Sheila here! Last week, Bethany Jantzi joined us on the Bare Marriage podcast to talk about how the elements of coercive control are actually found in the marital dynamics that so much of our evangelical marriage advice creates.
Which is horrifying!
At the end of the podcast, she talked about how we can get out of coercive control, using an acronym–FOG(C). (The C is silent!). I thought that was great, and asked her to write it up for us today!
Here’s Bethany Jantzi from Free from Control:
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control can be challenging to identify. It involves a process that, by design, makes it difficult for the victim to be able to see and understand the gradual corrosion of their autonomy, intuition, and self-concept.
Coercive control is an intentional pattern of behaviours designed to control and dominate another person. The central tactics are isolation, intimidation, humiliation, the use of threats, and sometimes violence. Yet how these tactics are used by the abuser and their context is uniquely personalized and tailored to the victim.
Coercive control operates like a language only the victim understands. The abuser weaponizes the intimate knowledge they have gained through years of close relationship. This looks like the controlling partner using the privileged knowledge they have gained over the course of the relationship when the victim has been open and vulnerable with their greatest fears, their secret shames, their hopes and desires.
So while the tactics, whether that be social isolation, threats, humiliation, etc, follow more well-known and recognizable patterns, the specific nature of how this is carried out may not raise any red flags for those outside of the relationship. If outsiders can’t rely on stereotypical and explicit signs of abuse such as physical marks on the victim, and if the victim herself (or himself) is psychologically twisted up in knots trying to comply and appease, it can be a challenge for either party to recognize coercive control.
What does a victim of coercive control experience?
The partner who is being controlled frequently becomes adept at rationalizing and justifying the harmful behaviour because they understand, often unconsciously, what it takes to minimize the risk of their partner lashing out at them.
Their previous experience shapes their behaviour and they view the dynamic in terms of cause and effect: “If I do ______, my partner will react in a specific way (silent treatment, cruel put downs, etc). So I will not ______, then my partner will have no reason to react.”
They may rationalize altering their behaviour and making repeated concessions to appease their partner because they love them and are committed to “keeping the peace.” Yet what this pattern actually illustrates is that the controlling partner is using threats as a way to control their partner. This control is at the heart of coercive control.
What does a wife’s submission have to do with coercive control?
There are countless ways that women are socialized to defer to the men in their lives, to not be assertive, to not rock the metaphorical boat, to appease, and to sacrifice their needs and desires for their partner. After all, they love their partner. They want to live in peace with their spouse. They have a desire to obey God in how they treat their husband. If they place these tendencies within the context of complementarian marriage, they may normalize appeasement and concessions as part of their submission to their husband.
Martha Peace, in The Excellent Wife, lays out the scope of a wife’s submission to her husband as deferring to him in everything from his preferences to his stated demands, whether that be the length of your hair, how you clean the house, or which friends you are permitted to have. You must comply unless you are absolutely sure he is asking you to sin. The wife may view this dynamic and behaviour as simply trying to be a Godly wife, trying to give grace to a partner that struggles with frustration, anger or fear.
What Is the FOG(c) of Coercive Control?
This acronym stands for:
- FEAR
- OBLIGATION
- GUILT
- CONFUSION
You can picture these as buttons that the people closest to us can push to pressure us to do what they want. Or you may experience the FOG(c) as a residual feeling you are left with after interactions with certain people. You may feel small, worn down, or perpetually not good enough.
If we are experiencing control and abuse, these emotional responses of fear, obligation, guilt or confusion will be frequent and dominant in our internal world. Everyone will experience these emotions in our lives at different points, but if they are ongoing emotional experiences that linger inside us when we interact with our partner, that indicates we are not experiencing emotional and psychological safety in our relationship.
Fear
A relationship lacking in psychological safety will not allow us to be truly honest with our partner. If we do not feel we can say no, without fear of repercussions, (like punitive reactions or intimidation tactics like driving dangerously or physically blocking you from leaving the room) then our “yes” is not authentic and from a place of genuine care. Our “yes” is motivated by a desire to placate.
If we are not free to say “no”, then our “yes” is being shaped by a coercive dynamic underpinning the relationship.
Think of coercion as the subliminal message of “do this or else”. There is an on-going, low level of fear that is causing us to adapt our behaviour to keep the “peace”. Peace that comes at the expense of ourselves, our dignity, and our autonomy, is not true peace. Conceding your needs and desires to avoid conflict is not peace, but appeasement.
Obligation
As humans, our sense of obligation, commitment, and duty help us be faithful friends and spouses. We need each other and rely on others to be there for us. That is a positive thing.
Yet that sense of obligation can be exploited and used to bend our will.
Controlling people and abusers feel entitled. They feel entitled to our time, our resources, our bodies, and our most private thoughts and feelings. This entitlement leads them to lean heavily on our sense of obligation. This is a favorite button for controlling people to push. They will remind us of previous sacrifices they made for us (real or perceived) and they will overstate how much they have done for us, and what they have given up. They will press that obligation button and remind us how much we owe them.
She Deserves Better!
Because we all deserve a big faith.
Your daughter deserves better than what you likely grew up with in church.
What would it look like to prepare the next generation without toxic teachings about modesty, sex, or consent, and instead set her up for a big faith?
Guilt
Guilt can look like your partner bringing up the past over and over. There is no time limit for making you feel guilty for a real or perceived injustice or slight suffered by a controlling partner. Guilt can be induced with phrases like, “if you really cared about this relationship you would…” or “if you really loved me, you wouldn’t …”
Controlling people attribute their short-comings and failings to everyone but themselves. They will look to place the blame on you. Guilt is a very effective button to push because we often do not tolerate it very well. We find it distressing so we give in to relieve the discomfort. This is partly what makes this tactic so effective.
Confusion
When a person is blanketed in fog, it’s confusing and disorienting. They may feel that they don’t know what way is up. Nothing they do is enough, but they cling to this hope that if they just try hard enough, they can return the relationship to the way it was at the start.
Yet, it feels so challenging to put their finger on what is actually happening in the relationship. Something feels off. They are plagued by chronic confusion, desperately trying to discern their role in the conflict. It is often the victims who read book after book, listen to podcast after podcast, trying to mold themselves into the perfect spouse who will not set off their partner.
How could it not be confusing when they experience kind and tender moments with their spouse alongside spiteful cruelty and emotional withholding? This confusion is a deliberate state cultivated by the controlling partner and weakens the victim’s ability to comprehend and articulate her experiences.
FOG(C) is the psychological fallout that dominates a person’s internal world when covert tactics designed to apply pressure to bend a person’s will are commonly used by one partner. These tactics do not reflect the mutual respect and care that characterize a loving and healthy marriage. These tactics do not uphold the dignity and value inherent in each person. This is not the way of Jesus. This is not love. This is control.
Are You Caught in the FOG(C)?
Here are some suggestions to explore this possibility. Set aside some time to reflect on situations that you suspect may have involved emotional manipulation. Write down what you have experienced. Here are some writing prompts to get you started.
- Is this dynamic of fear, obligation, guilt or confusion a pattern?
- How long has this been happening?
- When you reflect, do you notice yourself providing explanations or justifying the behaviour?
- How often do you hold back from expressing your feelings or desires?
- Do you find yourself apologizing often?
- Has your life gotten smaller over time (ie. friendships, time with family, hobbies, ambitions, confidence)?
- Do you feel that your daily behaviour is shaped by explicit or unspoken “rules” that you fear breaking?
- Do you feel like you have lost who you are?
- What do you anticipate would be your spouse’s reaction if they found you reading this article?
Download Our Marriage Survey
Join 40,00 others and let's change the evangelical conversation about sex
Try this thought experiment. Pick several scenarios that you have experienced and imagine if a person you cared about, for example, your adult daughter, or a close friend, came to you and described those scenarios. How would you respond? Sometimes that cognitive distance can give us some valuable perspective.
Seek out a close friend to share your concerns. Connect with a licensed therapist. If it doesn’t feel like they grasp the nuance of your experiences, keep looking. Coercive control is difficult to identify, so please don’t give up.
Read more about coercive control
If you want to explore FOG(C) more in-depth, read “Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You” by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier. This acronym is from their initial work and adapted to reflect the conceptualization of coercive control and how it shapes the internal world of those experiencing it.
My hope for you in reading this is that you are able to recognize when relationships have required you to become small and sacrifice your well-being. You are precious to God. You deserve to live free from coercion, abuse, and manipulation. Give yourself grace because leaving the FOG(C) is a long journey that takes courage and support.
So glad Bethany joined us today! Find more about these concepts at Free From Control.
Can you relate to the concept of FOG(C)? Let’s talk in the comments!
Yes, I can completely relate to the coercive control. My parents were really good at using it to keep me in submission to authority. My mom would tell me, “This isn’t a guilt trip” for whenever they demanded submission. My dad would threaten to kick me out of the house if I didn’t submit. I didn’t have much choice since I was trying to finish my degree at the time. At that time, I didn’t have a job that would support my living on my own so I had little choice.
My dad still tries to manipulate us and others by coercive control. It took me a long time to see it for what it was and is. Going minimal contact with them hurts, but it is the best thing for us in the long run. Unfortunately, most people that get into the habit of using coercive control, never see the damage that they have caused others.
No need to answer, but I’m curious if you now receive judgement from friends, etc. who see your minimal contact as being an unloving child, etc.? At least I have experienced that and it just compounds the hurt and frustration.
Not really. My sister knows that we set some limits. A few of our friends know, but not very many. We also go to a different church than my parents do and live about 30 miles away from them. We also have 5 children ages from 23 to 14. With one in college, two homeschooled, one in private school, and one in special education at another school plus a home business our lives are incredibly busy.
We still see my parents, but it’s not as frequent as it used to be when our kids were younger. When we do see them, we keep our conversation on surface things. It’s easier that way. I know eventually that my sister and I will have to figure out how we are going to look after them. I just don’t know what that looks like yet.
I had a really nice comment all typed out and ready to post and I got distracted by a phone call and family bombarding me in my office and I lost it – so Phil learned the hard way once again – don’t type in the box but type it somewhere else and cut and paste.
Here is the gist of what ai wrote – Glad Bethany returned on the topic and the continuation of the topic helped me understand more deeply. What comes to mind is Coercive Control passive aggressiveness on steroids and cocaine. In my own personal story a person in my direct sphere used to be passive aggressive and what that looked like was you were victimized and you knew you were wronged but you felt like you didn’t have enough evidence to call them out. Through boundary setting and grace that this person was healthy enough to respond appropriately, I continued to tighten the reigns and call out the behavior. Today that relationship is healed and our family dynamics are great now. I hope for those who are stuck in this situation that they can identify and address by either leaving or negotiating for the better of themselves. Have a great weekend ALL.
Many years ago, I realized that if I’m always confused in my relationship with one person–and only that person–then that person wants me to be confused. And that’s my signal to start exticating myself from that relationship. Fortunately it’s only ever happened in friendships, but when it does, there’s always that “wake up” moment when I say, “But I’m not stupid. I don’t have these problems with anybody else,” and after that, it’s a lot easier to see what’s going on.
Oh my.
Change references to “spouse” and “partner” and “husband” to “adult siblings,” and at least 85 percent of this applies to some situations Mr. R and I are in right now.
And it completely and totally sucks. If we match their energy, their actions, their attitudes, *we* will be the bad siblings. Their action history for the last fifteen-plus years is acceptable, because of course.
Well, I’m not having it anymore, and I’m ready to just write them off. They’re just in-laws to me, so it’s easier, but stuff is just getting too blatant. Plus, my healing from all my other issues has opened Mr. R’s eyes to some of this stuff. He’s struggling, but it simply can’t be hidden anymore.
Time to buy this book and some other recent ones you’ve featured, Sheila. Thanks so much for your energy and passion in getting these messages out there for all of us.
It’s amazing- when I started spending time around healthier individuals it was scary and unsettling because it was so abnormal for me.
I was raised with FOGC by a narcissistic parent. My sibling and I became codependents. I eventually realized it and have been working on myself for years, but not before I married a guy who hasn’t been good for me (he is trying to change though it is a snail’s pace due to his own family of origin issues+) and has a narcissistic sibling, and my bro married a girl with suspected OCPD. Now my nieces and nephew are all being abused in various ways that are not easily documented unless they begin that detailing in their own lives.
When I wound up at a narcissist-led church, it felt right because it was my normal. That has been so deeply damaging to my relationship with God and I am never sure one day to the next if I will ever really develop a relationship with Him. I want to want to, I know I should want to…
For my life, it began with one abuser- my mom. It’s disgusting the damage just one person can make. Each year, the scripture about removing *all* the yeast makes more and more sense to me. Just more reason for us to call out all the crap when we see it in these books, etc. They are actively harming the next generations which will continue to harm their descendents. I’m so tired of the trope of “look for the good in others and stop looking for the bad,” “forgive and forget,” etc Yes, we should try to find good- but when there is bad there, it needs to be fleshed out and worked on.
Oh Nessie, I am **SO SORRY** for what you experienced from your mother. That power of being twisted, used and rejected by a primary caregiver is enormously painful and damaging – and really affects our ability to see God in a way that is positive and accepting. 😭
I also experienced a great deal of pain from my mother – and my dad couldn’t protect me from her. I have also struggled (and do) to trust that God is good and interested in me in a positive and affirming way.
My STBX was deeply spiritually abusive – and that happened in a uniquely isolated environment …. I went through a severe crisis of faith about 5 years ago.
Diane Langberg is the primary reason I didn’t walk away.
You may enjoy this seminar she did – the substance of these talks form the back bone of her book “Suffering and the Heart of God”.
https://www.dianelangberg.com/2018/06/church-as-a-refuge-session-1/
https://www.dianelangberg.com/2018/06/church-as-a-refuge-session-2/
https://www.dianelangberg.com/2018/06/church-as-a-refuge-session-3/
https://www.dianelangberg.com/2018/06/church-as-a-refuge-session-4/
I truly hope that you can feel seen and cared about in a real way if you decide to listen in. 😭♥️🤗
Thanks! I will try to check those out sometime. 🙂
Thanks for writing about this, this is really important to know about.
Now that you have a book on recognizing the “do not’s”of relationship, can you write a book on recognizing the “to do’s”? For Both for men and for women? The content that I have read from baremarriage feels very freeing for women, and I’m wondering if men need the same thing given to them to release them from the binding relational death that is taught to them as well?
Our marriage book that’s coming out in the spring is all about what to do! I’m so excited about it. The Marriage You Want. You can preorder it here! https://amzn.to/3YQfqMy
I am definitely suffering from FOG(C) as described in this blog post – and I have been for 30 years now. After all these decades of wondering what in the world is going on in my marriage and why I can never make any progress in my relationship with my husband (it’s only been eroding), even though I have striven to be the godly wife no matter what (I know I’m certainly not perfect but I have tried so hard), I am finally discovering new truths that are stunningly enlightening but frightening at the same time. I am a committed Christian and have never sought secular marriage advice until recently. Out of desperation, I’ve been searching for answers online (Biblical counseling years ago accomplished nothing for us because he still blames me for everything). I stumbled across Lundy Bancroft’s books Why does He do that?: Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men and Should I Stay or Should I go? and I am amazed at the truths and insights and I am finally getting the answers I have been looking for. This FOGC post contains similar information to those books. My only dilemma is what do I do now that I am aware that I am caught up in this unhealthy relationship, not being loved and valued like a wife should be? Divorce has never been an option for me but I am getting extremely discouraged into thinking it’s now my only option. I’m asking the Lord everyday what I’m supposed to do with this new information I have now become aware of. I’m so confused. Some Christians believe divorce is ok because Moses allowed it with “divorcement papers” but Jesus said that is not God’s plan for marriage. So, to be totally honest, the only reason I haven’t divorced my husband is because of what Jesus says in Matthew 19:9. However, some Christians believe emotional abuse (I am not physically abused unless you count my physical health has been torn down by this marriage) is also grounds for divorce; if that is true, then I do have an out. But I still don’t know.
Abuse is a form of abandonment, KB. It is totally up to you what you do. Some people choose to stay and make the best of it, understanding that he will never change, and trying to emotionally disengage and find their joy elsewhere. Others choose to leave. Others try strict boundaries and sometimes that wakes him up and he changes. But that’s rare.
Have you followed Leslie Vernick yet?
Dear KB, I don’t believe in divorce either, but Lundy Bancroft and Dr. Ramani are right: these types of people don’t change. I stayed with my coercively controlling husband for more than 20 years, always following godly principles and hoping for the best. The Malachi 2 verses talking about God hating divorces explains: ““To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty”, and that is what he is already doing to you by controlling, blaming, and destroying your spirit. Hagar’s Sisters is a good organization supporting Christian women in these difficult relationships. As Mica Miller said, you are the bride of Christ first, and Jesus would not ever want his bride to be mistreated in this way.