Safety is the precursor to everything that helps us thrive.
Often as the year changes I spend some time between Christmas and New Year’s in contemplation and listening, trying to discern what’s important to concentrate on in the year ahead.
You’ve all likely seen the posts about the “word for the year”, and they’re often things like BRAVE or THRIVE or EMBODIMENT (I actually like that last one too!).
But the more I thought about it and prayed about it, the more the word SAFETY kept coming back to me. Perhaps it’s because it features so prominently in the new book I’m writing that’s due in March, but basically we can’t have good things in our lives unless we have safety first. It’s the bottom of the hierarchy of needs pyramid, as those of you who have read The Marriage You Want may recognize (or who studied Psychology 101!). Safety comes first.
Here’s what I mean by safety, and see if it resonates with you:
The Definition of Safety
Safety is the ability to use your voice, to show up fully as who you are without hiding, and to pursue what you are passionate about and called to without fear of reprisal, punishment, or threats.
Safety is the knowledge that you won’t be hurt for being authentically who you are, and that others won’t try to impose their will on you.
Safety is the feeling that your needs matter, and that your role is not to care for others while nobody cares for you.
What happens when we don’t have safety?
When we’re not safe, our bodies can go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode. When we feel as if we may be punished, ridiculed, or attacked for being authentically ourselves and having needs, then our nervous system won’t be able to calm down. We will function always on high alert.
People who are constantly under stress like that experience more health problems. They can’t be as creative or dynamic because they have to protect themselves or their children.
Think about a woman whose marriage is characterized by sexual coercion. She knows that at night it is very likely that she will be pressured to have sex she doesn’t want, because her husband hasn’t honoured her own needs or cared for her emotionally. He’s instead felt entitled to use her body. She’s tense all day. Instead of focusing on what she could be doing and could be enjoying, she’s thinking about how she can avoid a sexual encounter tonight that looks more like rape. She’s wondering if she should just stay up really late and not get much sleep, in hopes he’ll fall asleep first. She’s wondering if she can get him drunk enough to not try. She’s wondering if she can be sweet enough that he’ll have mercy on her.
What she’s not able to do is be fully present for what is happening during the day.
Or think about the woman who goes to a church where she is diminished. Her voice doesn’t matter. She listens to sermons on how God’s will is that women submit and respect their husbands and don’t speak up. Even if she has a great husband, she has to dissociate during these sermons, because they feel so icky to her, even if she doesn’t know exactly why. This is the only gospel she has ever known, but she doesn’t feel embraced or safe in this church. When she’s alone and praying and reading her Bible, Jesus is very real to her, but at church, she just feels like she’s invisible. And that God doesn’t care about her. And she hates that feeling.
When we aren’t safe, we aren’t able to be fully present for ourselves or those around us. We aren’t able to honour our own emotions and fears. We have to stuff them down, because rocking the boat is unsafe. And so it feels as if we are participating in our own discomfort, which is a horrible way to feel.
In 2026, I want to help equip all of us to be in places that are safe.
I want to help all of us start to ask those questions: am I safe to show up authentically here? Are my needs, thoughts, and opinions valued? Do I carry weight?
And if the answer is no, then let’s start making plans for what we can do about it.
How to pursue safety for yourself
How do we prioritize safety? I can think of a number of things I’d like to explore this year:
1. We pursue a safe marriage
If we aren’t safe, then we start drawing boundaries and finding the words to describe what we want. We seek out the help we need. Two great places to start: Read The Great Sex Rescue, if you haven’t already, which shows what safety in the bedroom looks like. And read The Marriage You Want to learn what safe, thriving marriages look like, and to help you identify entitlement and work against it.
2. We pursue safe relationships with others
If there are relationships that are hurting us, we do something about it. We limit our energy with those who make us unsafe. We prioritize those who build us up. We may even have to cut off people in our lives if they are being abusive or continuing abusive dynamics.
3. We pursue safe church spaces
For me, the place where I was the least safe for years was church. I overlooked it for all kinds of reasons (I felt I had to sacrifice my dignity as a woman if I wanted to be in a church that “preached the gospel”, and feeling dismissed as a woman was the price of being near Jesus), but eventually I couldn’t any longer.
There isn’t a one size fits all approach to whether or not to leave a sexist church, but if you are to stay, what can you do to build a spiritually safe community anyway? What can you do with small groups or with friends? How can you honour yourself by speaking up when appropriate, even if you aren’t listened to?
How can we help others be safe?
Safety is not just for us; it is for those around us too. Part of doing the work of Christ is also helping others be safe so they can thrive.
How can we make sure our children are safe and have a voice? How can we make sure that we are raising them to be able to be authentically themselves, and to pursue God as He calls them?
How can we make our churches safe for those who are experiencing the most distress? How can our churches be a refuge for others?
What can you do within your own family to help those who are suffering to find safety?
You can’t fix everything, but I think if we ask God, He can help us see where our words or actions, even if they aren’t big, can soothe those around us.
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We’re living in very unsafe times.
The world is spinning, and 2026 looks bleak. I feel a lot like I did after 9/11, when no one knew what was going to happen. It’s a difficult time to feel safe.
And yet that’s why I think it’s even more important to deal with the things that we can, on an individual level, this year. Let’s get ourselves healthy and safe in our families and the church communities we choose. Let’s help our nervous systems calm down and help ourselves find our voices.
Jesus wants us to have life, and have it abundantly. So many of us have become shells of who we were at 9 or 10 when the world stretched out before us because others told us we had to calm down, that we were a bother, that our voice was a problem, that our needs were too much. What if this were the year that we felt safe finally, so that we could truly live as we were meant to, and walk into God’s calling for us?
How would our marriages and families and churches look different?
I encourage you to dream about that today, and in the days to come. And then let’s work on safety together.
What do you think? What does safety look like to you? What areas of your life do you need more safety? Let’s talk in the comments!
To me safety means to me is being able to be truly be who you are. As a neurodivergent Christian I was always shamed in engaging in my special interests and hyperfixations and that it was idolatry unless I could somehow make it into a ministry which would suck the fun out of them. I really felt like I couldn’t just have fun, it had to glorify God by being productive toward some greater good or something. It is kind of like how anyone into crafting will tell you how they hate it when people say how they should sell their stuff and how they constantly have to explain it sucks the fun out of it but with me it wasn’t just crafts but everything I did and it felt like I couldn’t just relax and not make everything into some huge project.
Totally get that! I hope you have a good group of people you can be totally yourself with.
This really strikes a chord with me. It’s really helpful that you explain the psychological components of safety. I have been navigating a tough situation with someone I care very much about, and I recently had to tell them they were behaving in a way that made me feel unsafe. It didn’t go so well. They thought because they were not being physically or verbally aggressive, using the word “unsafe” was exaggerating and trying to make them seem like the “bad guy.” I really struggled to explain what I meant, so we left the conversation unfinished. I think the language of knowing our needs matter and being authentic without fear of reprisal will really help, if/when the subject comes up again.
I’m glad you found it helpful! I think some of us are going to have to take a step back from some relationships this year because they just aren’t safe. But i hope you’re able to explain better to that person.
I love your definition of what safety is. I would like to be able to go to extended family events without feeling like I don’t have the right to have a different opinion from my parents or sister. My husband and I have gotten to the point to where it’s easier to stay home than to be around them. My dad says things about my husband that are supposed to be “humorous” but are really quite hurtful instead. I would love to feel like I’m not going to set myself up for my dad’s manipulation to control everyone around him. I would love to be able to tell my children that if their grandfather makes a promise that he will keep it. Instead I have had to tell them not to believe him when he makes promises, because it’s unlikely that he will keep them.
Jesus said that the world would know that we were his disciples by our love for each other. I think that we would create the safety for others when we start showing genuine love for each other.
Amen, JG! And I think it’s great that you’re teaching your children to be honest and tell the truth about relationships, rather than pretending that everything is great. That’s really a gift to give to your kids. We had to do this with our kids too, and our kids understood. They weren’t as hurt by it really as we were because they never expected close relationships with those people.
I’ve never been one to set resolutions or choose a word for the year, but this holiday season, it settled in my mind that this would be a year of [metaphorical] feasting: conversations with friends, nature walks, moving my body joyfully, delighting in the opportunity to learn, etc. I don’t think a mindset of feasting is necessarily to diminish the horrible state of our world and the indignities the country I live in (US) forces on others. For me, it’s a rebellion against an oppressive system that would thrive even more if I were too tired to do anything but stay home and feel sad and helpless. The key to a good feast is having other people there, so by extension, I’ll be helping others have better lives, too. We’ll see how things go.
I love that! I think that’s a great thing to focus on too!
There is another dimension of unsafe environments that is important to highlight – Neglect. I think neglect happens when your needs aren’t taken seriously or prioritized, when you’re not cherished or pursued, when your presence doesn’t truly matter to those around you. Neglect can happen with or without the existence of sexism.
I spent a significant amount of time in a church culture that was neglectful, and it took me a very long time to admit to myself that something was wrong. Instances that should have been red flags – not being pursued in friendship, initiating social events that weren’t attended, reaching out to staff members for help during tough times and clergy never pausing to stop, explore, and understand what I needed, parishioners making assurances they would call me back but not following through.
I was never attacked, ridiculed, or punished, but I was also never prioritized and pursued.
Sometimes church teachings on community worked to disguise the neglectful dynamics I encountered. “It takes about 3 years to form community…you have to log the hours” was one popular teaching, “Have positive assumptions about others,” was another.
It doesn’t matter how long you invest in a community if your presence isn’t taken seriously to begin with, and assuming positive intent behind neglectful behaviors only excuses and disguises unhealthy relationship dynamics.