Recently in our Patreon group, a member posted a letter that she’s sending out to the girls (now young women) in a youth group she used to lead, apologizing for teaching toxic things.
I thought it was so wonderful I asked if I could run it here.
I just want to say: It’s never too late to apologize. And changing what you’re teaching doesn’t mean that you were bad before—it’s just that when we know better, we do better. And we try to make things right.
We were all on the same learning journey, and we didn’t always get it right.
But we can always make it right!
She’s sending this letter in a package along with our book She Deserves Better, and now she wants to add Dr. Camden’s book Recovering from Purity Culture too!
Everybody—if you want to do something similar, feel free to use this letter as a jumping off point, and make it your own!
I’m printing it just as is to make it easier to cut and paste.
“Dear _____,
Please forgive my abruptness in asking for your address, and the delay in mailing this package. I’ve tried to sit down and write this letter countless times, and it’s long overdue. I’d love to talk more about it if you want to reach out, but a response is certainly not required – I’m just really grateful for your willingness to read what I have to say.
It’s been a little over a decade since I was last involved in youth ministry, first through [church name], and then through [other church name]. I’m sending this to you because you were one of my students for at least part of that time.
I have grown and changed a lot as a person over those ten years, but within the past five years, my faith has also completely transformed. In 2020, I essentially reached an impasse where I could no longer continue without changing my belief system. I realized I was following faith traditions handed down to me instead of following Jesus, and I began to reexamine everything I had ever been taught, one piece at a time.
One of the first areas of belief I reckoned with is my identity and role as a woman. I was originally raised in a very conservative Baptist environment, and absolutely saturated in evangelical purity culture as I grew. Some of the messages I internalized were:
• Men/boys are not capable of sexual self control, so I am responsible for both their purity and mine
• Men/boys have a need for sex and a visual nature that women and girls do not
• The way I dress can either “do guys a favor” and help them stay pure, or it can trigger temptation and lead them astray
• My body is not my own to manage, God owns and controls it
• My sexuality is part of my sinful flesh – until I get married, at which point it becomes beautiful, holy, and a necessary tool to keep my marriage intact
• Sexual sin will permanently scar my heart and erode future relationships
• Maintained virginity makes me more desirable and better than others
I couldn’t clearly articulate most of those concepts until recently, despite believing them for years. It turns out that many of these “truths” I clung to for so long simply aren’t true, and don’t align at all with the heart of God or the life of Jesus. It has been a rude awakening – first because my own identity was anchored in these things, and then because I knew I had taught others the same lies… which brings me to the purpose of this letter.
As one of your group leaders in the past, I know I passed some of these messages onto you (whether intentionally or inadvertently). At that time in my life, I felt it was very important to show the next generation the importance of principles like modesty and purity. I remember being proud to present all of you girls with your own copies of the “Secret Keeper” book by Dannah Gresh, which was all about covering up to protect men from the irresistible power of female sexuality.
We also did some outfit “modesty tests” and talked about layering clothes to appear more appropriate.
I’m writing now to apologize for that. I’m deeply sorry for perpetuating these harmful ideas, and heaping shame on your young mind and body. I can’t convey the amount of grief I feel when I look back and realize that I helped teach you to take responsibility for other people’s lack of self control. I know these messages were not uncommon, and you were likely hearing them echoed elsewhere too. But I also recognize that as one of your youth leaders, I bear responsibility for the messages I chose to teach directly, as well as the ones I hinted at and modeled for you. Purity culture left a deep mark in my own life, and its lies left me feeling like collateral damage. You did not deserve to have that passed on to you.
I think all of our parents and pastors wanted the best for us – I know I wanted the best for you at the time – but these teachings didn’t set us up for success.
The book I have enclosed is one of the best I have found on this subject, and it’s been so validating for me, while also showing me just how much harm I unknowingly participated in. I hope it doesn’t even apply to you, and you escaped purity culture unscathed! I hope every single one of you has lost or destroyed your copy of Secret Keeper, forsaken the outfit modesty tests, and forgotten about any relational “wisdom” I may have passed on to you during that time. But if the book does hit home for you, may it be a reassurance that your experiences are real and not uncommon.
As I keep learning to know better, I’ve committed to doing better, and to declaring truth as often as I can. The truth is your underage bodies should never have been portrayed as temptations. You are not an object to be used, and you never have been.
Your body is a powerful and beautiful manifestation of divine glory, not a carnal threat to be neutralized. You were not made primarily for the enjoyment or comfort of others. Your body is not a tool of bribery in exchange for a faithful relationship. You are not the gatekeeper of other people’s self control.
I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that I hope you’ve been able to see and appreciate your own identity, body, and sexuality as you’ve grown – apart from anything you were taught. I hope you’re wide awake and seeking truth, not tradition. I also hope you’re thriving nowadays, and experiencing the truly abundant life and love you deserve.
Sincerely,
[Name]”
She Deserves Better!
Because we all deserve a big faith.
Your daughter deserves better than what you likely grew up with in church.
What would it look like to prepare the next generation without toxic teachings about modesty, sex, or consent, and instead set her up for a big faith?
Isn’t that a lovely letter?
I just want to say that when you apologize for something, people are often so gracious and happy. Apologies are rather rare today, and having one come out of the blue, where the person totally owns what they did and validates your feelings, can be a real gift.
Not all of us need to send one of these, obviously.
But many have asked: What do I do about the stuff I used to teach? Maybe it was a youth group, or a women’s group, or a marriage group, or a small group.
Or maybe it was even with your own kids.
But you can send a letter. And sometimes with kids, that’s easier because the conversation can be so hard.
A few tips for sending an apology letter:
- Explain the specific teachings that you regret
- Explain how you have changed your views on things, and why
- Center the regret that you have, and the repercussions of those teachings that you fear may have been a reality in the person’s life
- State a blessing over them of truth–that they are in the image of God; that they are worth more, etc.
- Let them know that you are here to talk
- Wish them well in the future
- Leave the next step up to them–and make it clear that you will not approach them again or bring this up, but will wait for them.
- Include a relevant book or resource, like She Deserves Better, The Great Sex Rescue, Recovering from Purity Culture, How God Sees Women, or even some of the printouts from The Great Sex Rescue Toolkit!
Together, we can make a difference for the next generation by breaking these cycles.
So grateful to this Patreon member, and looking forward to hearing how this letter is received!
What do you think? Would a letter like that have made a difference in your life? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Deconstruction Series
- 8 Things to Know about Deconstruction and Ex-Vangelicals
- PODCAST: The Ex-vangelicals feat. Sarah McCammon
- PODCAST: Rift feat. Cait West--and how courtship got so out of hand
- PODCAST: Hurt and Healed by the Church feat. Ryan George
- PODCAST: Spot the Propaganda and Logical Fallacies feat. Scott Coley
- When Deconstruction Means Losing Family
> > I realized I was following faith traditions handed down to me instead of following Jesus,
A big part of the problem is that many people often confuse these two sources. It’s easy to just assume that if an elder or church higher-up teaches you something, then it must ultimately come from God.
Yes, and if they use the name of Jesus it must be of Jesus, right? This is so hard to disentangle.
I think this is wonderful. There are so many points to this. Here are a some that come up for me immediately off the top of my head:
– personal growth for the writer.
– owning your own stuff is so important and it is the base of the tree that creates the fruit.
– the letter addresses toxic teachings but it is owned by the writer, therefore does not directly “accuse” said organization even if they taught and or still are teaching these messages.
– this is a loving method of planting seeds in others.
It is BEAUTIFUL.
t really is!
I love that she sent them something better.
If I got a letter like this now I’d cry for joy and cartwheel! I’ve already had this journey, but I would be so, so thrilled and completely and utterly shocked.
If I got a letter before I read GSR and SDB, I think I would have been equal parts surprised and validated. Because sooooo much of this never sat right with me, but what could I say? I was a teenage girl (and so ignored) and then I was a woman. I’d have been called a feminist or accused of bitterness.
In any event, the humility would strike me as amazing because she owns exactly her part but doesn’t take the blame for the entire movement or shuffle blame to someone else. I’m used to pride, I’m used to seeing women bear needless guilt and shame, but this is a beautiful example of responsibility.
Exactly! I think people really respond well to humility and authenticity.
Thank you for all y’all do! And yes, a letter like this would have meant and probably still would mean so very much! I’m 44 and purity culture surely scarred me immensely…I’m still trying to figure out the “how” of living outside of that prison and mindset in my marriage of almost 21 years …keep up the awesome work…I appreciate y’all SO much! ❤️
This is an example of the courage of genuine humility. It is breathtakingly beautiful.
“Your body is a powerful and beautiful manifestation of divine glory, not a carnal threat to be neutralized.”
Yes! This!
A couple years ago a friend was staying with me after fleeing an abusive boyfriend. When my parents met her, they had some thoughts.
Dad: I don’t get why women stay with a man like that when they’re not even married.
Me: WELL….. let me tell you. *explains the harm of purity culture and 90s marriage teaching, how it so easily leads to abuse and women thinking they have to stay and endure it*
Mom: but YOU weren’t taught that, were you?
Me: *mouth agape, totally incredulous* YEAH
Mom: But, not A LOT?
ME: *continued incredulity* YEAH.
My parents have the most patriarchal relationship of anyone I know. (I probably knew some worse ones at times, when I was in the homeschool world, but we were military homeschoolers so our groups were not AS extreme. And some were not extreme at all.) Did they really think that their example would have zero effect on me? But everyone can see their relationship for what it is except for them. And then there was Focus on the Family, playing on the radio every morning. The books, the tapes (I’m that old). Of course it affected me. Of course it contributed to my staying in my marriage way longer than was healthy.
So yeah, an apology from them and my former church would mean a whole lot. I doubt it will ever come though.
FWIW, that conversation did change my parents some. Not enough to abandon their patriarchal ways, but it was better than nothing.
I particularly love the paragraph that starts ‘Your body is a powerful and beautiful manifestation of divine glory, not a carnal threat to be neutralized. ‘ Wow, what power!
Thanks for sharing this and again making us all think about these things.
For me personally, I think there is still some nuance that I wouldn’t go as far as saying I agree 100% with everything up there, even if I agree with the vast majority. When the writer writes ‘Sexual sin will permanently scar my heart and erode future relationships’ as something potentially ‘untrue’, it worried me a little.
I don’t believe sexual sin has to permanently scar the heart of the one sinning, but I do believe sexual sin can and does erode future relationships.
As one who is recovering from my ex husbands porn addiction I have learnt so much about how any porn use prior to marriage has effects on the marriage. For example, if someone relieves their boredom/stress with porn while single for example, they often believe that when they get a real life relationship, they would never look at porn again. But the reality borne by many statistics is that once they are in a real life relationship, and they experience a time of boredom/stress, they will inevitably go to what they were used to going to. This destroys real life people, relationships, trust, confidence, joy etc etc. The pornified view of women that grows in someone from watching porn prior to relationships also has a huge impact on any woman in a relationship with someone with that view, which frequently doesn’t show up immediately.
From what I’ve read, and experienced, I would say that sexual sin usually does have a negative effect on any future relationship, and frequently that involves consequences that never go away, things like the betrayed spouse having an inability to trust, or a shame in showing their body to someone who has gorged themself on only the youngest and best nude bodies etc.
This doesn’t mean someone who sexually sins can’t have wonderful future relationships, but it does mean their relationships will take more hard work. Their partner will often bear consequences for life that are hard, and that they didn’t deserve (they deserved better). So I think we need to talk bravely about the impact of sexual sin while at the same time acknowledging in God’s wonderful way, there is always grace and forgiveness, alongside the consequences.
I did message people who had come to my house to go through “Created to Be his Helpmeet.” Once I finally broke free of garbage mindsets, I HAD to apologize!!
I love that!