Is Divorce and Remarriage Permitted in Cases of Abuse?
So many people ask for a robust Biblical investigation into whether divorce is allowed in cases of abuse, and considering how so much of the evangelical church treats divorce as an almost unforgivable sin, it’s a good question to ask! Let’s get curious and do our homework.
A few years ago I featured Ottawa pastor Winston Bosch’s amazing 3 sermons on divorce and remarriage on our podcast, and you can also find those sermons HERE, HERE, and HERE
But I often get people asking for a written explanation of whether divorce and remarriage are okay in cases of abuse.
And recently a very proud reader sent me in a copy of a lengthy, detailed, scholarly article that her daughter Jasmin wrote about the subject. I was so impressed with it and I want to share snippets here today.
Jasmin Biggs was commissioned by the leadership of Emmaus Baptist Church in Oklahoma City to write a paper examining the most common positions regarding divorce and remarriage as discussed throughout the Bible. She spent four months researching and writing her findings, and her own personal conclusions. Her work is top-notch!
The result of all her work is a long, but super in-depth, explanation of divorce and remarriage in the Bible. It is extremely thorough and looks at all points of view. I really appreciate all the work she put into ensuring that she delivered a well-rounded look into divorce and remarriage through the lens of Scripture.
Is the high divorce rate due to selfish reasons or “falling out of love?”
One of the most common arguments we tend to hear in the church about the current divorce rate (which is actually down from where it was in 2012!) is that people do not want to do the hard work of keeping their marriages together. The argument is that people are opting to leave their marriages for selfish reasons or simply because they do not believe that they are in love with their spouse anymore.
Biggs’s research shows that this is not, in fact true:
“Contrary to the stereotype that divorce is primarily a problem of marriage failing to meet Disnified expectations, a huge percentage of divorces are due to immense cruelty, destructive behavior, and injustice. And these numbers are not merely abstract. In the last two years, I myself have met about a dozen people in my immediate circle (both women and men) with harrowing stories of surviving destructive marriages. The percentage of women I meet who have survived horrific marital circumstances lines up with national statistics: “Over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.”
She goes on to discuss the different kinds of horror many people experienced within their marriages–things like, sexual abuse, emotional cruelty, systematic degradation and dehumanization. Upon leaving, many of these same people continued to suffer by being excommunicated from their religious communities, losing custody of their children and so much more.
Clearly this is an issue that goes well beyond leaving marriages due to “selfish” reasons.
How Biggs Performed Her Research
Far from picking and choosing her sources, Biggs made a strong effort to consult a wide variety of sources, from Wayne Grudem and John Piper to Gretchen Baskerville and Leslie Vernick. She also cites dozens of different Biblical passages that are often referenced when talking about marriage and divorce, going so far as to show which translations offer up the most compelling wording for whichever stance the person is holding.
She studied 5 different viewpoints and then analyzed the various ways these positions have been argued:
“In this study, I read half a dozen books that presented at least five different views on the “biblical” view of divorce and remarriage. Ordered from most restrictive to least restrictive, these views include:
- Marriage is inherently indissoluble (that is, permanent); no divorce or remarriage is permitted for any reason. (J. Carl Laney)
- Marriage is both dissoluble and indissoluble; that is, divorce is permitted only for adultery and abandonment, but remarriage is never permitted. (William A. Heth, Gordon J. Wenham, John Piper, John MacArthur)
- Marriage is inherently dissoluble; and divorce and remarriage are permitted only for adultery and abandonment. (Thomas R. Edgar, William A. Heth [see above – yes, he eventually changed his view from #2 to #3.])
- Marriage is inherently dissoluble; and divorce and remarriage are permitted for adultery, abandonment, and various types of destructive behavior, such as various kinds of abuse, deceit, or treachery. (Craig S. Keener, David Instone-Brewer, Wayne Grudem [notably, Grudem recently changed his view from #3 to #4.])
- Marriage is inherently indissoluble; nevertheless, divorce and remarriage are permitted for any reason, due to human frailty and God’s mercy, as long as the individuals involved are sorry. (Larry Richards)”
She does an excellent job of also explaining that many different variables that can influence someone’s view on Scripture (fear of compromising one’s convictions, concerns about culture wars, sola scriptura views, etc…), noting that it is possible to hold to a high view of the Bible and still come away with vastly different conclusions on a topic than other people who also hold a similar high view of Scripture.
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What does the Bible say about abuse in marriage?
Here’s what Biggs had to say about abuse within marriage:
“Given the expanded commentary of the Old Testament, when vows are made, they must be fulfilled, even if imperfectly, for the marriage (one-flesh unity) to continue. The chronic, hard-hearted refusal to keep one’s vows seems to result in the ending of the marriage relationship between God and those Israelites who remain unrepentant.
Thus, ‘marriages’ in which one partner domineers over the other, where the power differential is large (through, for example, chronic violence, deception, manipulation, isolation, verbal and psychological abuse, etc.) are not pictures of the one-flesh Gospel unity which God defines as marriage. The relationship between, for example, a torturer and a captive, an enslaver and a slave, or a rapist and a victim, is not one-flesh unity, nor is it a picture of Christ and his church. If marriage is meant to be a picture of Jesus’ love for us and our devotion to Christ, let us beware of making a mockery of God’s intent for marriage by forbidding people to leave marriages that grotesquely blaspheme this sacred picture.”
Some Christian leaders do argue that those experiencing abuse should be willing to endure, whether for a lifetime or for a season, for the spiritual benefit of both people within that relationship. To that, Biggs says,
“If suffering can be redemptive, does that mean we must sanction suffering in our communities? Is someone suffering abuse obligated to stay in that situation for the sake of ‘growing our character’ or ‘allowing God’s plan’? Some Christian communities elevate suffering to the point of willfully enabling injustice; these communities refuse to rescue those suffering abuse, seeing it as interfering with God’s sovereignly ordained plan.
But such is fatalistic and deterministic, pitting God’s sovereignty against His love and His justice. It also violates the many Scriptures commanding us to rescue those suffering oppression. God rescues Israel from the heavy hand of Pharoah, rather than leaving them to suffer for the sake of growing their character. If we refuse to alleviate injustice in God’s name, we will find ourselves in opposition to vast portions of Scripture and in violation of God’s direct commands to seek justice.”
So what did Biggs Conclude?
After a detailed analysis of each viewpoint, including pointing out the flaws in many of them, Biggs offers her conclusions that marriage should be defined as an institution that is dependent upon both spouses keeping their marriage vows, with the marriage coming to an end when one or both partners break their vows.
Given this take, remarriage, then, should also be permitted.
“So, if marriage is a dissoluble contract, a one-flesh unity that requires the mutual keeping of vows, and divorce is the formal recognition that at least one party has persistently destroyed that one-flesh union, then the one-flesh union (the marriage) no longer exists. In this case, each marriage partner is no longer bound to each other, and they are functionally unmarried and free to marry. Hence, remarriage is permitted.”
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I’ll close with this one last quote from Biggs because I do love it so much. She may have done one heck of a job with her research, but Jasmin Biggs doesn’t want anyone to take her at her word. She wants us all to do the work as well, which is a healthy encouragement for each of us to reflect on:
“While this is my own conclusion, we can also find Scriptural support for other views of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Each of us is responsible for evaluating the biblical evidence for ourselves. As we seek to determine which view best reflects the whole testimony of Scripture and the heart of God, may we do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. May the Lord lead you in your own evaluation.”
You can read the full post over on Substack. Check it out here!
I wish more churches understood this about divorce.
I remember sharing a heartbreaking story on the podcast a while ago about a woman who was put under church discipline for divorcing her abusive husband who had raped her. Because she hadn’t asked the elders’ permission, they denied her communion.
So many churches require a woman to come in front of the board of elders and go into the sordid details of the sexual assaults, so that a group of men (who are often her abuser’s friends) can decide if the abuse is bad enough.
Can you imagine telling a traumatized woman she must talk about her trauma in a room full of potentially hostile men? It’s unconscionable.
If you’re in a church like this, please know that these men do not have any power over you other than what you give them. I know it’s hard, but you can leave that church.
Jesus doesn’t want you stuck, and He certainly doesn’t delight in your suffering.
May the day come when churches understand this.
What do you think? What does your church teach about divorce and remarriage? Let’s talk in the comments!
This is so well said. I pray that those stuck in abusive marriages who stumble across this article will be liberated from the the teachings that are keeping them trapped.
“If marriage is meant to be a picture of Jesus’ love for us and our devotion to Christ, let us beware of making a mockery of God’s intent for marriage by forbidding people to leave marriages that grotesquely blaspheme this sacred picture.” – so so true!
I always can’t help but wonder if people who insist that things used to be “better” because there was less divorce fully know what they are talking about. They didn’t speak of it often, but my parents and grandparents occasionally told me stories about my great-grandfathers, 3 of whom were notorious alcoholics. 2 of the 3 were also known to be bad tempered even without alcohol involved. Even what little I know says that they were terrible to their wives, and my great grandmothers stayed with them still. They were even the reason why my own Dad rarely even touched alcohol. And the bad thing is, according to my grandparents, issues like alcoholism were extremely common in men in our region! Do we really want to go back to families just having to deal with the “mean drunk”?! Or the father that everyone has to walk on eggshells around, least it trigger their temper?!
I would say that things were “better, brighter, shinier and happier” in those days, but possibly only on the outside. Never mind what goes on behind closed doors.
Her conclusion is good, and is close to what others have said on this site before: That if one partner breaks the vows of the union, then the marriage is, for all intents and purposes, no longer viable.
Agreed. My grandfather was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive towards my grandmother (and to her children and grandchildren). He was also extremely controlling, preventing her from having a bank account or from driving a car. But from the outside, their marriage of nearly 60 years was something to be praised.
Regarding these statistics:
“Over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.”
Please be aware that those can be misleading. Various research by many measures and perspectives has indicated that whether perpetrated against women or men, intimate partner violence is mostly perpetrated by men.
Here’s one place to start:
https://faithsafe.org.au/family-violence/violence-against-men
So to all single females in church, and I mean everyone from the eight-year-olds to the fifteen-year-olds to the twenty or older somethings:
You can’t expect boys and men to treat you like an actual human being, because the males are being taught that females don’t matter. Well, except for providing whatever the males want whenever they want it (so, minor things like everything required to keep a house running [to wit, cooking, cleaning, shopping, juggling schedules, remembering everything that has to happen and getting it done on time, raising any eventual children {essentially single-handedly}—you know, all those adult responsibilities], plus orgasms when he wants them, complete lack of compassion if she ever—God forbid!—is sick or injured, and general dismissal of everything in her personhood: thoughts, ideas, opinions, plans, desires, hope.
And let’s not be fooled. This crap starts on the playground. Boys mistreating girls isn’t because the boys “like” the girls. No, it’s just the first step down the patriarchy superhighway. It’s NOT cute. It’s NOT accidental. It IS immature. It IS disrespectful. It IS the future for the female on the receiving end, unless an individual boy here and there gets massive intervention.
And it’s being preached from the pulpit, written in the books, and taught to the next generation in the seminaries.
Sure, not all boys and not all men. But the odds are pretty bad that a particular woman won’t wind up with one of these guys, because the boys are also learning how to hide their true selves. And they’re quite good at it. Simultaneously, girls are trained to studiously ignore the evidence of any red flags that do peep through.
Then, women in these abusive marriages are told its their duty to GOD to suffer. I’m sorry, but suffering in Jesus’s name or for the sake of the gospel should NOT involve friendly fire, not from one’s own husband nor from fellow believers in our churches. The odds are much too bad given what we have to admit is the likely outcome.
Yep, it’s a bleak assessment. Apparently, lots of women in the church have been looking around and coming to the same conclusion.
It’s interesting that she arrives at what is largely the Catholic position. We don’t believ that marriages are dissoluble, so much as that a valid marriage was never formed when one party goes in thinking it’s okay to abuse the other.
“If marriage is meant to be a picture of Jesus’ love for us and our devotion to Christ, let us beware of making a mockery of God’s intent for marriage by forbidding people to leave marriages that grotesquely blaspheme this sacred picture.”
This is so true. I think it’s why sex made me hate God.
Jane, I am so, so sorry.
My view of God is pretty skewed at this point, and I honestly have no idea if it will improve in my lifetime (I’m about to turn fifty-nine). At best I would describe it as marginally neutral. And frankly, that is an improvement from “why does God hate women so badly?”
I do so wish we could all get together in person. 🍵 ☕️ 🍺 🍸
The spiritual abuse is the worst layer of abuse of all. We see you, and we hear you.
Jesus was abused, too. He gets you.
Thank you for putting this together. When I was trying to figure out whether to divorce, a friend from church summed up my situation perfectly: “That sounds more like trafficking than a marriage.” And sadly, she was right.
My STBX and I were fed all of the one-way submission lies from all the books. The result? I was destroyed, living in fear of not only my husband but also of eternal damnation if I sought refuge from what multiple DV professionals have called severe abuse.
You may also be interested in this research study on whether porn use is biblical grounds for divorce: https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/porn-use-as-grounds-for-divorce-how-my-opinion-changed/
Mine was a marriage that had to end. My husband’s many issues had come to the point that he was highly abusive and dangerous. Mercifully, he left to go pursue life his way, but the amount of spiritual abuse I suffered from his very religious family (“no divorce ever”) and church-going people was horrific at a time when I was deeply questioning my faith as it was. Certain people told me that my ONLY path was to pursue him and submit 100% to his will, “as God intends.” I was even told that if he killed me, God would be pleased with me because I had reconciled and submitted. OK, so Dad is in jail and Mom is dead. Our kids would then have NO parents. How can that horrific situation be “as God intends.” So I refused to reconcile, and he divorced his “rebel wife.”
Our long-term church leadership was supportive because my husband initiated the divorce in the end, but over time, I came to realize that if I had initiated the divorce, they probably would have put me out of fellowship, even given the horrible circumstances. That church has since embraced the husband-led model which leaves me and my adult son out. Three large families are in charge of everything now, and attendance is way down with just a handful of people not connected to those families. All of the informal social connections are tied to those families, and my son and I are not included. Whenever I volunteer to help with something other than food, I am told that others do that. I have since teased out that it’s because I’m divorced.
Thankfully, my faith is lively and meaningful now. I am very active in local ministries in the town where I live (a town different from our church). My son and I are looking for a new church.
Oh, wow! I’m glad you’re not in that church anymore, and I’m glad that you’re free!
Samson annulled his marriage to the Philistine woman (before Delilah), calling it adultery, although she had not had sexual relations outside of their marriage. She had tried to get him killed by Philistine men, to whom she had primary loyalty.
Women are more in danger of murder by intimate partners than by illegal immigrants. Yet there is no hue and cry unless a woman is murdered by a black or a brown man who is an illegal immigrant.
The message to us white evangelical women? It’s this: Nobody gets to abuse you except us.
It doesn’t compute. If it was okay for Samson to divorce his Philistine bride, calling it adultery when she tried to get him killed…it must be okay for women to divorce their husbands who are violent and who might kill them.
And when there is no violence? We could talk about being ensnared in the ways of an angry man, something the Bible says not to do. Being the toxic waste dump of an angry man for years? It leads to being filled with toxins and eventually leaking them out.
Deuteronomy teaches to rebuke your brother so that you don’t build up suppressed anger toward him.
Mary Kassian nonchalantly says in one of her videos that it is okay to rebuke your husband. Did you know that? But what she fails to understand is that a husband with narcissistic traits can’t be rebuked for even tiny little negative things in daily life, let alone large and fundamental relationship problems. She has no inkling that it will only lead to dancing around more rages and victim cries if a man like that receives any negative feedback of any kind to any degree.
Narcissists have proven in the literature not to respond very much to therapy. The only thing the literature shows improving them? Hard life lessons.
Abusers almost never repent. The only time they repent? From accountability. And then it’s only 1 out of every 10 times. That’s what the literature shows. They are facing divorce or prison. Then there is a small chance they could become remorseful and change. Otherwise, they do not change.
Narcissists and abusers are not normal men, and normal men don’t have to live with them. Normal men, because of all the privacy in our society, don’t see the man behind the mask. So they don’t believe women and children. In previous societies, people had less privacy. They didn’t have so much opportunity to be one way in public and a completely different way in private. They were living in tribes, kinship groups, extended families, large households. Huts in villages close together.
Normal men reading this, it is not about you. It is about men who are unlike you and don’t show you how they are in private. They don’t tell you true stories about what they really do in private.