I believe men can be emotionally healthy and available–
–just as much as women can be! I don’t believe that women are necessarily better parents, or more emotionally in tune and healthy, or more emotionally stable than men.
I don’t believe that women are more romantic, more spiritual, or more steady than men.
We talk a lot at Bare Marriage about the terribly anemic view of men that so many evangelical authors have—that men only want sex; that you can’t expect them to be emotionally mature or connected; that men weren’t designed for relationship.
Despite everything that I read in evangelical books telling us, like Jimmy Evans did, that men have a God-given need for “domestic support”, I believe that men men can be fully engaged and involved partners–as much as women can be.
And maybe one of the reasons I’ve always been able to see through that utter toxic garbage is because everyday, I see it in my own life.
Tomorrow is my 33rd anniversary.
We got married just before Christmas in 1991. And the first few years were big adjustments, as we’ve shared on the podcast before.
We’ve had to figure out our own attachment issues left over from childhood. We’ve had to deal with bad teaching along the way.
But Keith NEVER felt that the house was mine because I was a woman. He worked super long hours when the kids were little, but when he was home, he was 100% there for the girls, and when they think back to their childhood, they remember lots of time with their dad–because he made them a priority.
When I left for speaking engagements for a weekend, the house did not fall apart.
He could step in, because he was a partner.
He still has a great relationship with our girls today. And he is able to talk about his fears, his dreams. He can get vulnerable with me, with my daughters, with my sons-in-law.
And I see the same things in how my sons-in-law parent.
Here’s Connor, Rebecca’s husband, with my grandson. I’m so glad that my grandchildren aren’t growing up with an emotionally stunted man-child as a dad.
Connor is just as present with his kids as Rebecca is. They switch on and off since they both work from home, and he is just as good a stay-at home parent when he’s the one “on.” (Rebecca actually says he’s better!). He knows the kids’ allergies, the kids’ food preferences, what you have to do to get my granddaughter to take a nap.
Rebecca can leave for a few days or be sick for a few days and nothing falls apart.
Because Connor is a good man.
So when Christian resources tell you that you can’t expect a man to care for his kids, or to be emotionally available, because men and women are just so different and God didn’t build men that way—
—know that they are lying to you.
And feel sorry for these authors’ wives and kids.
Because I do, everyday.
As I thank God for the amazing men in my life.
And as I celebrate 33 years with this amazing man, who everyday proves to me that these authors have no idea what they’re talking about!
The Marriage You Want is coming in this year!
Our new marriage book is almost here!
Make sure you're notified about our pre-order bonuses, and about how you can join the launch team (and get the book early, plus get a free audio version of the book!)
Let me know: Do you have men who everyday challenge the stereotype in these books? Let’s celebrate them today in the comments!
Over 7 months ago, I got married to a wonderful man who is a caregiver to his grandfather. He cleans the house, bakes yummy banana bread, lives on my fur baby who just loves him. He’s nothing like the men these evangelical male authors claim that all men are. I waited a long time for him and I am so glad I did.
Thankfully years ago I gave up on reading these Christian marriage and dating books because they were so discouraging and even though they were marketed towards Christians, I didn’t see anything Christ like about these books. Yet, other Christians told me I should never read secular self help books because they were not of God. However, I have found much better advice from secular books. Because they do real research and it’s not biased like the Christian ones are.
I want to be good.
Being honest about where you are and where you want to be is a great start and, imo, in line with the kind of good men Sheila is celebrating. That’s a good place to be.
Congratulation,s Sheila and Keith!
Cheers to More Big Full. Happy 33rd anniversary Sheila & Keith…
I’ll echo Phil’s wish on that. Happy anniversaries and life to all of us!
This is an important topic to discuss here, since I’ve heard a fair amount of claims that this is nothing more than a man-bashing site. I’ve gone to places that ARE man-bashing, and this one doesn’t qualify, not even close.
All of the men in my life are wonderful, and I love and admire them. My husband was my hero, and my beloved. My son is such a good man, and such a good husband and father, that I am incredibly proud of him. All of my brothers are wonderful men, and so are the men I count as friends. It would never occur to any of them to treat a woman as “less than” in any way, or to be less than fully responsible for themselves and for their families. This site does not bash men. Ever. It loves both men and women and wants the best for them both. It’s the Evangelical Church that I have a problem with (and will never go back to), not men. The opinions of too many of these authors are disgusting, and have absolutely no basis in reality. I don’t know why anyone even reads these books, frankly. They are lies, even if they are purporting to be “of God,” and even if the authors had good intentions. Our lives, our marriages, and our families are much too important to play Russian roulette with them by following the advice of people who don’t know what they’re talking about. And the only way to be sure that someone knows what they are talking about is to check out their credentials and the research that they are basing their advice on. “I’m a Christian and I love God” is not enough. If it were, you could ask the church organist to operate on your brain tumour, because hey, she’s a good Christian, so who needs education, training, or knowledge? (And if Christians should not read secular self-help books, does that include books on how to do your own home repairs or how to potty train your toddler? Do these people never take advice from secular sources on diet and exercise, or how to live a longer, healthier life? It seems to me that the evangelicals don’t really care how much secular advice you take as long as it doesn’t have anything to do with women or with gender roles. In every other sphere, they seem happy to recognize that non-Christians may have expertise that is worth listening to.)
And by the way, what a gorgeous picture of Connor and son. And happy anniversary, Sheila and Keith.
Public shout out to my man of integrity. 🥰
We’ve been married 20 years. It’s been a journey n we’ve both got lots of room to grow.
But I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.
He puts the stereotypes to shame.
Happy anniversary, Keith n Sheila!
Have a very happy anniversary, Sheila and Keith! Here’s to many, many, many happy years together for the two of you!
Happy anniversary!
Happy anniversary, Keith and Sheila!
Happy anniversary! Your family is such a blessing!
Happy Anniversary Sheila and Keith!!
Congratulations on your 33yrs together.
I am really new to your blogs, podcasts and books, 2 months in fact, and have read 2 of your books.
Keep up the good work.
Mike