Are you a good wife or a good mom?
And how do you prioritize your marriage?
These are questions that are raised all the time in evangelical circles, and with Valentine’s Day coming tomorrow, all of this will be making the rounds again. How can you make sure your marriage comes first?
Today on the Bare Marriage podcast we’re going to do something different and take a huge step back and look at the data. Does “prioritizing your marriage” really mean that you need a date night every week? Do kids need to be seen as a threat to your marriage? Do husbands get jealous of kids?
What if you simply acted as a team and did life together. Does prioritizing your marriage look different then? And how do we stay close?
That’s what we’re talking about today!
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Doing life together reaps marriage rewards!
We start today by talking about the rhythm of life–bedtime routines, prayer routines, even housework. All of these tend to make your marriage better. But when we don’t do life together at all, date nights can’t necessarily come to the rescue.
Then Rebecca joins me to talk about the constant pressure women are under to give “your best energy!” to your husband, not your children.
What, practically, does that look like when you’ve got babies and toddlers? And why do so many marriage authors seem so jealous of their kids?
Let’s talk about what role parenthood plays in building a good marriage!
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What do you think? Have you ever been made to feel like your kids are a threat to your marriage? How can we fix this? And what makes you feel close? Let’s talk in the comments!
Transcript
Coming soon
I’ve heard this a lot. Most of the talk seems to be a demand that wives put their husbands first, then the kids. No demands seem to be put on the husband. My church at least says “parents, focus on your marriage first, and your kids second”. That’s a half-step in the right direction, at least.
Any man who thinks his wife is “too much mom” and “not enough wife” better make darn sure he’s doing his part in raising the kids before he says a single word to her.
Do you know your kids’ basic schedules, including nap and meal times? Do you know their favorite and least favorite foods and toys? Do you know how to calm them down if they get hurt? Do you know their clothing and shoe sizes? Do you notice when their hair and nails need trimming? Do you keep up with their growing bodies’ needs for bigger clothes? For seasonally appropriate clothes? Do you change diapers on the regular? Can you run them through after-school activities, supper, homework, bath time, and bed time routines ON YOUR OWN without constantly asking your wife questions you really ought to know the answers to?
Those are just off the top of my head as a woman who has never been a mother.
Here’s a more complete list (language warning for the post and the comments):
https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist
If you think your wife’s is “too much mom” and “not enough wife,” your score better be in the single digits.
Totally agree!
Said it on YouTube, will say it here; it bears repeating.
“Wife first, mother second?”
These are the ladies that don’t protect their children from predators.
Men who want to tell women that they need to place their children second to their husbands, let that sink in.
Yes – dealing with guilt from 20 years ago…..hubby was big on date nights (with expectation of sex). We lived 800 miles from family and friends and most times the kids went with us on the date, but a few times he insisted that we get a sitter. I never felt comfortable doing this and 20 years later find out that our children were most likely molested. The term “date night” is a trigger of ptsd for me.
Oh, wow, I’m so very sorry!
Really good podcast. The husband vs kids dichotomy is hideous. God bless my parents! When they first heard of husbands being jealous of their kids, they both snorted in contempt at such ridiculous immaturity.
This attitude to the family is ungodly — because it doesn’t reflect how Jesus treats children. It’s cruel — because it sends the child a very strong message that he/she’s an unwelcome intruder in the dad’s life. What a horrible message of rejection! And it’s stupid — because if dads want to have loving friendships with their adult child(ren) one day, then they need to be intentionally laying the foundation of love and acceptance from the get-go.
Also, I don’t know if anyone else picked up on it… but I had a good laugh at the ‘let your breasts be off the table while you’re nursing’ comment. (54:06ff) LOL!
And as for “Date Nights”: These are one of those things that can make a good marriage stronger, but can’t fix a bad marriage. Much like “have more and more and more sex”, you need to work out the problems FIRST, then go in for the extras.
So true!! I sat through INTERMINABLE “date nights.” They were no fun for anybody.
I think the idea of date nights was pushed so hard as some biblical cure that when my husband wouldn’t go on dates with me, I thought *that* was the problem. If we could just have some dates, we might get better.
I like your point, Nathan, that dates, like sex, can’t fix a bad marriage. They can be great extras but not until the problems are dealt with satisfactorally.
I often heard that the best example of a biblical life I could give my kids was to model a physically affectionate marriage and to prioritize my spouse.
Regarding the same bedtime: after years and a kid, I avoided going to bed at the same time because I knew he expected sex and if he didnt get it, he would be increasingly moody until he did. He couldn’t initiate going on a date, couldn’t handle having a conversation (I had deeper conversations with strangers in grocery stores), couldn’t handle helping around the house unless I spelled out exactly what and how, step by step, he needed to do something. He needed me to be his mom in many ways, yet expected sex, so I avoided him. (I say “couldn’t” instead of “wouldn’t” because he still claims his ADHD is at the root of it and meds don’t work for him, so we are now just roommates until such a time as he can pull himself together.)
Which makes me wonder- do so many of these men try to make this chasm so great- wife vs. mom- because they realize subconsciously they still behave like they need a mom so they need to differentiate themselves from their kids?
That’s an interesting question, Nessie!
Sheila – do you think it is possible to have true intimacy with a complimentarian husband? One who is not open to other interpretations of the “problem” passages on women? He is a kind person and has operated as an egalitarian on most occasions. I have 30 years of ptsd from purity culture, obligation, patriarchy, etc. I feel it has damaged me spiritually, physically, sexually, and psychologically as well as our marriage, children and church. He says he wants to agree to disagree and and he thinks if we just spend a lot of time together and talk about our marriage and sex (but never what I think is at the root of all our problems – complimentarianism) then we can “heal” and have “true intimacy” again. I don’t know how I can have true intimacy with someone who sees women as subordinate. Does your new marriage book address this? He read TGSR and Gottman’s 7 Principles. Do you think your new book would be helpful for him to read?
Hi there. In answer to your question, no. True intimacy requires that both people matter and both people are 100% free to show up, just as they are. But complementarianism says that men’s opinions matter more than women’s, so what she thinks can be discarded. And if that’s true, then real intimacy wouldn’t exist. I’m so sorry.