Is it wrong to have expectations in marriage?
On Monday on the blog (and last Friday on Substack–are you following me there yet?) I was talking about entitlement in marriage, and how we found that to be the biggest marriage killer. (You can read all about it in our new book The Marriage You Want.)
But just because we’re not supposed to be entitled does not mean we can’t have expectations in marriage. Often we’re taught that expectations are a sin as a way to pressure people to stay in bad marriages (we talked about this in a recent podcast on the 5 point faulty marriage foundation).
So often we’re told that to expect anything from our spouse is a sin, but I’m afraid that’s just enabling emotional immaturity in one spouse while trying to convince the other to live in a miserable marriage without any tools for it to get better.
Today I’m going to climb up on my soapbox for this post and just give a little bit of a rant. I hope you’ll excuse me.
(I ran this post a few years ago, but it fits so well with that recent podcast, and what we’ve been talking about, that I want to run it again–since most who are on this blog weren’t following me back then!)
I see a problem with the way that a lot of Christian teaching addresses emotional needs in marriage by downplaying those needs and saying that we shouldn’t expect anything better. It sounds something like this:
You can’t expect your spouse to meet your emotional needs. Only God can. If you’re expecting your spouse to meet your needs, you’re putting your spouse in God’s place.
The only way to be happy in marriage is not to have expectations on your spouse.
So having expectations in marriage is thus seen as sinful.
If your spouse is treating you badly and you’re sad, then the problem is not with your spouse for treating you badly. The problem is with you for expecting your spouse to be kind, since the only person we can change is ourselves.
Now, there is an element of truth here. I do believe that the only person you can change is yourself, and so we need to be focused on changing our own behaviour to better the marriage. The contention that I would have is that the change that is required is not that we let go of our expectations; it’s that we learn to handle them appropriately and we learn to express what we need better.
Why does Christian teaching often focus on how expectations in marriage are wrong?
I think that we’re so scared of couples getting divorced that when a couple has a problem that is difficult to solve, the better course of action seems to be to deny the problem is real. If solving the problem involves one spouse changing their behaviour, and that spouse truly doesn’t seem interested, then we’re stuck. So the only solution is to take the miserable spouse and tell them they’re wrong for being miserable.
Ironically I think that philosophy actually harms marriages far more than it helps. When people are miserable because of how they are being treated, you can certainly tell them, “You’re wrong for wanting to be treated well.” And they may push down their misery for a time. They may be able to throw themselves into The Word and grow closer to Jesus (which is definitely a good thing!). They may be able to find other outlets for their needs, for a time.
But ultimately when we are living a lie, that lie catches up with us, even if we’re growing closer to God at the same time (and I would say that growing closer to God often makes that lie harder to live with). And I have personally witnessed several friends leave marriages after decades of pushing their own needs below the surface, and finally not being able to take it anymore.
Expectations in marriage are not sinful.
I have read so many variations of “our marriage was only happy when I let go of my expectations.” And some of that may very well be true, because many of us have unreasonable expectations of what daily life will look like regarding how we split the chores, how much we have sex, how often we talk, what we do for hobbies, etc.
Expecting that your spouse will meet your needs in a specific way, or do specific things, is often counterproductive. But it doesn’t follow that ALL expectations are therefore bad. Here, for instance, are four realistic expectations you should have of your spouse:
1. It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will fulfill their marriage vows.
When you married, you vowed certain things. And a vow is serious! It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will:
- Forsake all others (including pornographic images of others)
- Share your worldly wealth
- Stay with you in sickness and in health
- Love and cherish you
- Remain committed until death
Unfortunately, that’s not always what we’re taught. John D. Street, the head of biblical counseling at John MacArthur’s Master’s University and Seminary, wrote that we shouldn’t expect our spouses to be faithful, and if they’re unfaithful and we’re hurt, the problem is with us for expecting anything else in the first place! I did a Fixed it For You of that:
What is the purpose of John Street saying the original quote? It’s to convince people to stay in a marriage where there has been pain. It’s to convince someone they have no right to be upset, so that we can push it all back under the rug and keep the marriage together at all costs. It’s not to heal; it’s to make people stay.
When we fail to assert that it is perfectly reasonable to expect faithfulness, then we show that we’re not interested in healthy marriages. We’re merely interested in intact marriages.
2. It is reasonable to expect marriage to meet some of your emotional needs.
Let’s break down what “love and cherish” in those marriage vows mean. No, obviously marriage can’t meet all your needs. First and foremost, our peace, security, and sense of self have to be rooted and grounded in Jesus.
But remember that it was God Himself who said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) It was God who created marriage because we do need each other’s help! Thus, it’s okay to expect that when you get married, you will meet some of your spouse’s needs and they will meet some of yours. Why else would people marry?
And we do have responsibilities towards those around us. The concept of boundaries even teaches us this. When we talk about boundaries, we often focus on the “negative” aspect–how to say no to things that aren’t your responsibility. But there’s another aspect to boundaries. If you think of boundaries like a fence, not only do they keep bad things out; they also keep good things in. They show us what’s supposed to be inside our fence. And some things we are responsible for–including loving and cherishing our spouse.
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3. It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will be an equal partner in the relationship.
You are partners in this marriage. When you marry, you are promising to go through life together. And as we talked about Monday when we looked at the difference between entitlement and expectation, no one is entitled to someone else working harder than they do.
You can expect that when you marry, you both will be working towards the same goal of the well-being of your family. You may not work in the same way–one may earn more income while one does more housework or childcare–but you both will work, and you both should enjoy roughly equal rest and downtime.
It’s okay to expect that your spouse will be your partner and will help you. It’s okay to expect that your spouse will not be significantly less exhausted that you are. It’s okay to expect a partner.
4. If I were to break this down even further, I would say this: It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will care about your well-being.
To love and cherish someone means that, at heart, they care about what happens to you. Therefore, if something is seriously bothering you, then it should seriously bother your spouse, too.
Sometimes we may tell our spouse that we’re really hurting, and our spouse doesn’t seem to care. I’ve talked before about I why your spouse may not understand how much something is bothering you, and how to present it in such a way that they will understand. I truly believe that for most couples having issues, your marriage would fall into one or more of these reasons. It isn’t that the spouse doesn’t care (because most people, after all, are not cruel); it is just that they don’t understand.
Nevertheless, there are some spouses who truly don’t seem to care about a spouse’s misery. How could this possibly be?
1. Their view of Christianity may be that her needs truly don’t matter
In some of the couple friends I know who have split, the husband had such a hierarchical view of marriage that he truly believed that how he saw the marriage was the only valid position. If he believed the marriage should look like X, and she didn’t like X, then she was wrong and had to get into line because he was the leader.
It wasn’t honestly that he was a bad person or that he didn’t care; he actually cared quite a bit about other people’s feelings in other aspects of his life. He just honestly believed that in order to follow God, they needed to pursue his vision for the marriage rather than hers. And if they started talking about her perspective, they would be stepping outside of God’s will.
2. They may be very immature
All human beings go through different stages of moral development. But not all human beings progress through all stages.
Some people learn to do what’s right because it benefits them and they want to follow the rules. But there is a higher stage of moral development, when we do what’s right simply because it’s the right thing to do. That’s the Christian ideal. It’s when we hand over the lordship of our life to the Holy Spirit, and we allow Him to guide us into all righteousness.
But if you’ve never really done this, and if you’re living at an immature level, only doing what benefits you, then you may honestly ignore what your spouse needs. People who come from very dysfunctional families, or families that were super authoritarian or based on fear, often do not progress through different moral stages, and aren’t able to give lordship of their lives over to God.
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3. They may be neurodivergent
(I’m updating this because a wonderful commenter pointed this out!)
Sometimes (but not always) neurodivergent people can have difficulty connecting emotionally in a way that a spouse understands. They may need to be given very direct instructions on what a spouse needs to feel emotionally connected, and this may be an ongoing challenge.
4. They may have mental illness
(again, thanks for the commenter for pointing this out)
Some with mental illness may not have the emotional bandwidth or space to connect emotionally or invest emotionally. If your spouse is in this category, please seek both medical help and licensed counseling.
5. They may honestly be narcissistic
Finally, you may have a spouse who truly doesn’t care about anyone but himself or herself. I think this is often the conclusion that we jump to when we’re expressing our needs and our spouse doesn’t seem to care, but I also think it’s the least likely. Usually there is another explanation. But if you are dealing with a narcissistic individual, there is very little that you can do.
So what do you do if your spouse doesn’t care? Be honest about your needs.
Fight for your marriage! And ironically that means rocking the boat. It’s okay to insist that your needs matter. If your spouse doesn’t listen, it’s okay to demand that they see a counsellor. It’s okay to call in a mentor couple, even if your spouse resists. It’s okay to say, “You may think this isn’t important and that you don’t want to talk about it, but we are going to talk about it. This isn’t going away, because this is important to me and I matter in this marriage.”
By not backing down like you usually do, it’s going to look like you’re trying to destroy your marriage, but you’re not. The only way to make your marriage better is to not accept the status quo anymore. Healthy marriages are built on realistic expectations of marriage.
In our data for The Marriage You Want, we found that rocking the boat and talking about what you need leads to better marriages than just sucking it up!
Let’s stop this rhetoric that it’s wrong to have expectations in marriage.
Being married means you do have a claim on some things from your spouse. Let’s admit that. And then, if a person is living in a marriage where the spouse honestly doesn’t care, we can at least come alongside them and support them, rather than shaming them for having needs in the first place.
And, please, everybody, ask yourself this question:
Am I ignoring my spouse’s concerns? Am I repeatedly telling my spouse that he or she is wrong for having certain needs?
If you are, then you may be the one with the problem. And I urge you, please, care about your spouse!
What do you think? Were you taught that having expectations in marriage was bad? What expectations do you think are legitimate? Let’s talk in the comments!
>> wrote that we shouldn’t expect our spouses to be faithful,
Wow. That’s surprising, even for that crowd, since this is one of the few things that bible allows for divorce. It’s even one of the ten commandments.
I know! Yet we’re told that porn use isn’t a big deal or that we should forgive anything.
How do I convince husband that his porn use is cheating?
i’m seriously thinking about walking away from our marriage.
Honestly–you shouldn’t have to convince him. If he thinks it’s okay to objectify women like that, and you have to convince him he’s wrong, that’s a big red flag that he has no interest in changing and doesn’t really respect women. I’m so sorry.
The Holy Spirit has to convince him. You cannot.
Just because he has fallen into sin, does not mean he has no interest in changing. It is an addiction and he does not know how to get out of it is the most likely scenario. He, like most Christian men that fall into it, hate themselves for it every time they use it. There are underlying issues that keep drawing him back to it. Have some grace and let the Holy Spirit does His work. We need to do our part and follow what the Bible says for us to do. Have you followed the Bible’s way of dealing with it? Pray for him. Tell him in private. After that has not worked, bring a second witness. After that does not work, take it to the church. If that does not work, the church should throw him out so that he can truly see the gravity of his sin.
Before you bring the second witness, let him know that you care for him and that this is hurting him and his marriage. You can tell him how much it hurts you. Tell him if he does not stop, then you will be required to follow the Bible’s teaching on how to handle it and will be bringing a 2nd witness and all the steps that follow until it is resolved because you love him.
If he does not repent before the church throws him out, he will most likely decide he is an unbeliever that wants to walk away from the marriage. If he does repent, then you have won over your brother and can rejoice. We are all sinners, we all need grace. The pharisees wanted to stone the adulterous woman, Jesus indirectly reminded them that they are no less sinners than she was, so we should not be quick to throw stones.
Yes, we all need grace. But not everyone contributes to human trafficking and the sexual enslavement of others, and I do find that difficult when there is sin levelling when real people are getting raped.
Remember that the vast majority of porn is violent and non-consensual, and even the “consensual” porn has been shown to be primarily non-consensual.
Porn use is a big deal. So are a host of other things that we all do on a regular basis, like trying to convince ourselves we are not as bad as that other guy over there.
I am curious, do you not believe “we should forgive anything”?
Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
Colossians 3:13
bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.
Matthew 18:35 (wicked servant that was forgiven much and would not forgive his fellow servant and was then thrown in jail until the debt could be repaid)
My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”
No one is talking about whether or not you forgive someone. We are talking about whether you can have a good marriage with someone who watches porn and doesn’t stop.
And the answer is: no.
If someone is actively getting help and relapses? Sure, that’s one thing. But if someone is not getting help, and is just simply saying, “you need to love me anyway,” then, no, that is not okay. This isn’t about forgiving; this is about the marriage. Just like you wouldn’t stay with someone who had constant one night stands, you can expect your spouse not to watch porn–especially since porn is basically human trafficking.
Jeff – I forgive him because I am commanded to. I lost count of how many times I forgave him over 40 years, because that’s how long his addiction has been going on for.
“Forgiveness” is not a synonym for “reconciliation.”
“Forgiveness” also does not mean “lack of consequences.”
>> we’re not interested in healthy marriages. We’re merely interested in intact marriages.
This goes back to the idea (false idea) that God cares more about the marriage than he cares about you. It’s also about wanting to present a bright, shiny, happy face to the rest of the world, no matter how much pain it causes underneath.
Yes, very much so!
When my husband was in active porn addiction, and I knew something was terribly wrong, I kept thinking, “I’m so ungrateful, I’m so demanding. He works so hard – of course he thinks I’m a pain in the a$$. I’m always at him about something.” Having expectations meant assuming I was worth something, and clearly I wasn’t. I told myself I should be happy with whatever I was getting. So what if we hadn’t had sex in 6 months? So what if he belittled me in front of our daughter? So what if his job and his birth family always came first? My job was to “consider it all joy” and to stop thinking I deserved any better.
Oh, that’s so sad! I’m so sorry, Evelyn. I hope things are better now.
So spouse A is supposed to meet spouse B’s needs while spouse A’s needs are to be met only by God?
Who would voluntarily sign up for such an unbalanced situation?
More to the point, what kind of person would hide until ***after the wedding*** the fact that this is their view of how the marriage will be?
Also, how does the obvious human inability to fulfill 100 percent of a spouse’s wants, desires, and needs transmogrify into a completely acceptable rationale and reason for doing absolutely zero toward said spouse’s wants, desires, and needs?
It’s crazy!
I know. It really is so lopsided.
I have heard this spoken in marriage conferences and in “Christian” books about dating and marriage. Not to have expectations which I thought meant do not expect your spouse to make a six-figure income or to look like a GQ or Victoria’s Secret model. Also, don’t expect your spouse to always agree with you on everything or want to do everything with you. I get that. I thought they meant do not have unrealistic expectations for your marriage. At least, that should be clarified.
Bottom line: We should expect our spouses to treat us like decent human beings and treat them the way we want to be treated.
Yes, there’s a difference between unrealistic expectations and expecting your spouse to care about your vows and your marriage!
Thank you for this, so helpful! I read ‘What did you expect’ by Paul Tripp when engaged and it totally depressed me! All expectations turned out to be sinful and caused major problems in a marriage, according to the book.
Good to know what is and isnt realistic!
I’ve never read that but it sounds awful!
If the quotes provided came up on any serious examination for a ministry related position, that person’s candidacy would not be sustained.
As they stand, the remarks contradict mutual responsibilities in marriage. Ep 5:21-33 frames marriage as a reciprocal, sacrificial relationship where spouses are called to actively love and serve one another.
The marriage covenant itself is distorted. Marriage mirrors Christ’s relationship with the church [Ep 5:32]. But he does not abandon the church in order to rely solely on the Father. Instead he actively sacrifices and serves to sustain and nourish the church. Spouses similarly are called to embody this love. That he show the analogy is intended to function.
The claims also create a false dichotomy is between God and the spouse. This doesn’t entail idolatry in an Ex 29:3 sense; the issue is the ‘either/or’ in ‘either the spouse does this, or God does.’ In reality the canon gives us a ‘both/and’ in that God works through spouses to provide comfort, support and love [Pr 31:10-12].
The stated position also undermines the call to sanctification. Marriage is probably God’s primary tool for the believer’s sanctification. Spouses are refined through daily acts of love, patience, and forgiveness [Co 3:12-14]. Removing expectations negates accountability and hinders growth in Christlikeness.
The issues include the rejection of explicit commands for mutual care in marriage, the reduction of God to a competitor rather than a sustainer of marital care, and the risk of normalizing emotional neglect under the guise of piety while undermining marriage’s covenantal purpose at the same time.
How does an absence of responsibility to serve each other’s need align with Christ’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself” [Mk 12:31], a command applying most urgently to one’s spouse?
How can marriage require no expectations and yet reflect Christ’s covenant with the Church [Ep 5:25-27] which is defined by Christ’s steadfast commitment to serve even his own flesh and blood?
If emotional detachment is pious, how does Scripture condemn those who “do not provide for their relatives” [1Ti 5:8], a charge extending beyond material needs to include emotional and spiritual neglect?
It is astounding to me that people in the confessing Christian community get away with such remarks — let alone let them function in such a critical area.
“Why else would people marry?” I went to a Family Life marriage conference where the speaker opened with men get married for sex. Everything else in a marriage relationship can be experienced with a friend. I was also told by a mentor that marriage is essentially the best crucible of refinement God has for making you more like Jesus. There was also the all your needs are met in Christ. If you have a problem pray about it but do not even bring it up unless it is preventing you from ministering to your spouse. That was from a marriage book by a Biblical Counselor. I am sure I probably heard some better information in the conservative evangelical circles but the more extreme stuff is more memorable. Thank you for this article and what you are doing fighting against the bad stuff and promoting healthier ideas.
You’re so welcome, Chris!
Yes, the one thing my husband took out of our not so helpful premarriage counselling (which also happened to be a fan club for “Sheet Music”) was “You should not have any expectations of your spouse.
So this is what I get whenever I raise certain ongoing issues. Because said spouse does not apparently have any expectations of me… Only ” desires”… With the exception obviously that he expects a certain amount of sex because that’s his entitlement in marriage. I can only desire that he will help with the kids or help with chores! And yes, I am planning on getting a copy of The Marriage You Want.
If I didn’t see it, I wouldn’t have thought it possible that a supposed Christian counselor would deny the sinfulness of an unfaithful husband and suggest SHE violated the marriage covenant? How do so many of the “experts” (Christian??!) that you’ve pointed out Sheila, get cred. let alone airtime. It’s beyond appalling, it’s diabolical.
It absolutely is!