Scripture does not say that our goal in life is to be married.
If anything, 1 Corinthians 7 says the opposite, that people should remain single if they can. Marriage is nowhere mentioned as the main reason that God created us, and is certainly not mentioned as a woman’s main role.
In fact, no woman in the New Testament is praised for doing stereotypical homemaking roles. Instead, they are praised for their devotion to Jesus, their faith, and their work for the gospel. The idea that the way that women demonstrate their love for God is to invest completely in being wives and mothers is cultural, not biblical. Full stop.
I am not saying we shouldn’t be wives and mothers; a good marriage can be an incredible source of happiness, and can spur you on to do so much for Jesus too! I am so glad that I am married, and so glad that I had my children and was able to be home with them.
But I did that because it was my choice, not because it was the only option open to me as a Christian woman.
Women are constantly being told in evangelical spaces that our main role is as wives and mothers. Remember that infamous graduation speech where Harrison Butker told female graduates they should be homemakers because that is their role? We’re constantly being told that God made us to be wives and mothers, even though this is nowhere in the Bible as the only acceptable goal of our lives.
What happens when marriage is held up as the way we show our devotion to God?
In a large part in today’s Western evangelical culture, and especially North American churches, showing that you are a Christian is largely about showing that you have the right kind of family. Our families are part of the culture wars. And when people say there’s a war on Christianity, they really mean that in the wider society, people are rejecting the male-breadwinner-female stay at home mom as the only way to do family. Too many Christians see a rejection of our cultural expression of family with a rejection of Jesus Himself.
Which is interesting, since Jesus wasn’t married, and we never hear much about the disciples’ marriages. As Beth Allison Barr puts it in her book Becoming the Pastor’s Wife, if the role of homemaker were so absolutely vital to our walk with Christ, why doesn’t the New Testament talk about it?
Here’s the issue I want to discuss today:
What if we could create a church culture where the main thing young people aimed for, and the main goal of the Christian life, was not that one got married young and had a bunch of kids, but instead that one became emotionally whole and healthy?
What would it look like if youth groups and college & career programs were focused on:
- understanding maturity in all areas of our lives;
- learning emotional regulation techniques;
- understanding attachment and trauma;
- learning what holds us back from having life abundantly?
Because if we could make the focus of church that we want to be a place where people are made whole in everyway–spiritually, emotionally, relationally–then we could truly be a place where people came to be whole.
And then, if whole people chose to marry, those marriages would be so much healthier because people would have the tools to make them healthy! And if people didn’t choose to marry, or weren’t able to find a good mate, they wouldn’t feel like they were somehow “less than”, because marriage is not the goal in life anyway, and certainly not the way that we live out our calling as Christians.
The emphasis that everyone should marry, and marry young, hurts people
It pressures people into marriages too young, when they aren’t mature enough to understand what they’re doing or don’t have the life experience to understand who they would be compatible with, and it makes those who don’t marry feel excluded.
(I’m aware that there are young marriages that work well; I’m one of them. But statistically they are far less likely to).
Could the lopsided teaching in churches around marriage be a crisis of maturity?
Obviously the theology that says that men are in authority is faulty, and it largely spreads because people are very devoted to theology that gives them power. But in our survey of 7000 people for our book The Marriage You Want, we also found that those who ascribe to this theology have more markers for emotional immaturity than others (little emotional regulation; few conflict resolution skills; more passive aggressiveness; difficulty expressing what you want).
Could it be that in our rush to get people married young, we’ve created this vicious cycle where immature people get married, and then the only way to keep them married is to teach hierarchical theology that allows people to take shortcuts and avoid genuine communication and connection? And then we baptize this theology even harder than we would already, because without it marriages would fall apart as women especially realize the marriage is toxic?
This weekend, Rebecca filmed the videos for our new podcast docuseries
It will be launching in February (we hope!), and it’s focused on how the concept of Love & Respect became so big in evangelicalism, and why it leads to marital failure. We’ve got so much stuff we haven’t shared before, and it’s going to be awesome!
But in filming it, and in watching so many clips of Emerson Eggerichs and others talk about it, it’s clear that what’s really lacking in so many people’s marriages is emotional maturity and regulation. Emerson Eggerichs thinks it’s normal for men to be so enraged that they have to step away so they don’t hit anyone, and he thinks we should consider this honorable. But maybe we should ask: why are supposedly Christian men so emotionally dysregulated? And why is a man who flies into a rage that easily considered one of the best marriage teachers in evangelicalism?
The evangelical church substituted form for substance
We emphasized intact marriages as the sign of God’s favour and devotion rather than changed lives.
And yet the Bible does the exact opposite.
What if we stopped it with the culture wars, and started emphasizing spiritual and emotional health and transformation? Isn’t that what the church is supposed to be? By emphasizing marriage over transformation, we’ve changed into culture warriors rather than true ambassadors of Christ. And I think we need a major rethinking.
A great book for this is Emily McGowin’s Households of Faith. She challenges us to get a new vision of what family meant in Jesus, and how we can do communities and families differently in evangelicalism. I just loved it, and it got my brain going in so many exciting directions!
For now, let’s stop talking like marriage is the pinnacle of one’s faith walk
Marriage should not be the main goal of 18-year-olds in the church; emotional and spiritual maturity should. Because if the latter is secure, everything else will fall into place. And if we started teaching discipleship over marriage, we’d be a healthier church.
What do you think? What would it look like to change the emphasis? Is it possible? Let’s talk in the comments!
It is difficult being married to someone who will likely never be emotionally intelligent, loving, and encouraging but who is now safe enough to not bother with going through a divorce. I’m not trying to make light of the longings of singles who wish to be married, but I had several tell me how lucky I was to be married and that I took it for granted during a time I was being sexually and psychologically abused. I guarantee they would prefer to remain single than to enter a marriage like the one I had when they said that.
There really needs to be an emphasis on not getting married until we are healthy enough to discern the traits that we need to seek or avoid in a potential spouse.
I truly appreciated this thought- the entire blog could have been this alone and it would have been as precious as all the rest to me. “Because if we could make the focus of church that we want to be a place where people are made whole in everyway–spiritually, emotionally, relationally–then we could truly be a place where people came to be whole.”
I hear so often we will “never be made whole on this side of heaven,” but that does not mean we should not strive for wholeness and wellness!
Some have described churches whose concepts of singles are a free labor pool for the church.
Which turns up the pressure to get married so you can sit at the grown-ups’ table with all the other grown-ups and the singles have to serve you. This leads to desperation where the guy or gal (more often the gal) becomes just the “necessary piece of equipment” to achieve the goal.
That in and above the more generic trend that marrieds only associate with other marrieds and singles only associate with singles, with very little crossover to begin with.
I spent my teens and twenties in churches which viewed marriage as the only goal for a woman. Early marriage was strongly encouraged, and the view was that people needed to marry by their early 20s at the latest so that they wouldn’t ‘fall into sin’. Which was horrendous for two reasons. In the first place, it gave the impression that the only ‘sin’ that counted was sexual sin. And in the second place, it made the marriage partner responsible for preventing this ‘sin’ instead of encouraging youngsters to maintain a close walk with Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit. Unsurprisingly, the divorce rate went through the roof once these youngsters got into their 30s – teaching that encouraged both early/quick marriages AND spiritual immaturity was never going to produce stable, mature relationships. In spite of this, the church didn’t change and single women were referred to openly as ‘failures’.
In the UK, there is a fairly new charity called ‘Single Friendly Church’, which has been set up because of the number of singles who either feel unwelcome in the church or who are just refusing to engage with church at all because of the way in which they are treated. I really wish something like this had been around when I was in my 20s and 30s, but I’m encouraged to see it happening now and hope it will spread to other countries. Churches are encouraged to take an ‘audit’ of their church, to check that it is welcoming for all. It’s really not hard to do. We just need to stop idolising marriage and parenthood and acting as if people who haven’t ‘achieved’ these ‘goals’ are not fully grown up!
I grew up Southern Baptist and I never heard the get married early message growing up. I asked my son at the office today if they heard it growing up. He said that he couldn’t remember ever hearing it. He’s 32 and got married a month before his 20th birthday. He said that all he remembered was everybody trying to talk him out of getting married.
One of my friends got married at 24 and was told it was so good she had ‘finally’ found someone ‘before it was too late’. And I went to another friend’s wedding when I was 25, only to be told I was ‘disgusting’ and ‘disgraceful’ to still be single at my advanced age!
So, so, so good!! I love this.
“We emphasized intact marriages as the sign of God’s favour and devotion rather than changed lives.”
Yes. You mentioned form over substance; Dallas Willard calls it choosing the vessel rather than the treasure. And then we are amazed when we cling to the forms and vessels and find them empty.
The true “treasure” is a changed life; becoming a “living truth” like Jesus. This takes time and work and patience, not cheap tricks, spiritualizing or magic thinking.
I can’t believe that somebody would be that rude to you. Where I’m from words like that would invite what we call a good country butt whipping.
I was 30 when I got married. I got some jibes, too. I even told a couple of my aunts to mind their own business. Those were the same two that told my mother that I was only going to meet those kind of girls since I often rode a motorcycle. Mom reminded them that when my dad came home from WWII that the only transportation he had was a 1935 Indian Chief and that she rode all over the county with him on that bike.
“Marry Young Before Its Too Late” might have been different for male & female.
I suspect that women were pushed harder to marry younger; this would fit with historical patterns where the husband is older than the wife. He was expected to play around and get established before he could marry, while she would be married off upon “flowering”.
And Christians tend to be “retro” in all the wrong ways.
“Christians tend to be retro in all the wrong ways.” That’s so good!
Maybe it’s mostly women then? Because I had a family friend (who is a Christian leader in our community) tell me just earlier this year: “Women are either married or preparing for marriage.” I heard it often growing up, but maybe that was just my home/community.
Yes. Most of the churches I’ve been in have the view that it is acceptable for a man to be single because he can ‘serve the Lord’ as a single, but women can only really ‘serve the Lord’ as married mothers, unless they are going to become missionaries and work with women and children overseas.
Again, “Missionary” as the Prestige Posting and Litmus Test of your Salvation.
At the southern baptist church I attended, the gals were told they should marry young so they could start having babies (one married gal, 27, had not had a baby yet and was told her clock was ticking and she would dry up.) The men weren’t told to marry young so much as that marriage was how they solved their porn problems so if they didn’t have issues with that, there wasn’t a strong need to marry young… but most had some level of problem with porn so they tried to get married younger. The boys that were not able to find a willing gal to marry them were clearly disgruntled and complained bitterly ad nauseam of being “friend-zoned.”
The pastors there greatly stressed that all engagements should be as short as possible lest the couple “fall into sin” before the wedding night.
Telling that to the 27 year old women is terrible because what if she was infertile and desperately trying to have a baby? That would just stress her out more!
And completely ignores the fact that about 50% of the reasons for infertility is on the man’s side. It’s yet another way that people make a woman responsible for what is caused by the man. (Not that anyone causes infertility. I’m struggling with a way to say this that doesn’t place blame or intent on either party.)
Agreed to both Courtney and Jill.
You’re right- infertility is almost never anyone’s fault but the church would have women believe it is theirs and theirs alone. I was told by multiple sources that my infertility meant I just wasn’t doing something right in my walk with God- I needed to learn patience, greater obedience, to “allow” my husband to lead, etc. When we learned my only child had ASD, I was told that “God knew I couldn’t handle another kid so He in His infinite wisdom was only allowing me to have one child to protect me.”
Insulting and ignorant to women, infertile, and neurodivergent peoples. SO much room for growth in becoming healthy individuals within the Church!
That is just awful! I know you’re not at that church anymore, but that’s so toxic.
What a recipe for disaster!
Including a “Just like InCel Culture, Except CHRISTIAN(TM)!” among the guys who couldn’t score.
It sounds like everything that could possibly go wrong all wrapped into one big Christian package.
It really does!
You were male. Males don’t have concerns about becoming spinsters or dried-up old maids. Believe me, even if they’re not “pressuring” you to get married, someone is *always* around to comment about how they can’t believe such a pretty girl isn’t married yet!
Did you ever have an older man comment to you about how surprising it was that such a handsome guy hadn’t been taken yet?
The older men I knew encouraged me to stay single as long as possible. The older women were another story. I grew up in the south and in mountains as well. Here almost all older women feel that it is their sacred duty to get everybody married immediately. They were forever trying to fix me up with their granddaughters, nieces, etc.
“I grew up in the south and in mountains as well.”
Appalachia?
In which case, this is probably a “thing” of Appalachian culture.
I’m so pleased you’re talking about this. Have you read ‘Breaking the Marriage Idol’ by Kutter Callaway? I don’t agree with everything he says but it’s very much along the same lines. You might enjoy it.
Another related issue you haven’t touched on (no criticism implied, can’t cover everything) is how this messed up theology of marriage further marginalises those who are same-sex attracted. (I’m assuming here that pretty much all of the churches that teach this marriage theology would also teach that homosexual relationships are always unethical – whether or not you agree with that yourself).
If you mix a healthy view of marriage and a conservative view of homosexuality, people are told that some people are called to marriage and some are called to singleness and both of those are valid and honoured ways to be a mature Christian adult, and that not being attracted to the opposite sex is one of a range of reasons why singleness might be the best choice for you as an individual. If you mix the common Christian view of marriage that you’re critiquing here with conservative views on homosexuality, then people attracted to the same sex are essentially told “marriage is the only valid way to be an adult and you can’t have it”, which is a million miles away from what the NT has to say about marriage and sexuality (however you interpret the passages on homosexuality).
…and how sad that SSA young people are automatically assumed to be *called to singleness.* Tangential, I know, but I really think we need to reassess our views on homosexuality and singleness.
Sheila, you’re far more Catholic than you think you are.
In many ways, yes. But there are huge doctrines I just could never, ever get behind! And especially this week after they denied women as deacons, even though there were female deacons in the Bible…
I love this post. I think many Christian leaders have not reckoned with the way marriage and singleness have changed over time. For much of human history, it was the default to get married and have children, especially since women didn’t have many other options. But that doesn’t mean marriage and parenting are necessary or ideal for Christian maturity. We confuse the “is” of cultural context with the “ought” of the biblical message. The New Testament emphasizes knowing and serving God in whatever context you’re in. We can’t be stuck in the past; we need a better way forward.
I agree that churches can actually make it harder for people to find healthy partners. I’ve heard many single people say they have few marriage prospects because of the effects of patriarchy and purity culture, plus porn addiction, which is rarely addressed in productive ways. Focusing on helping all members grow spiritually and emotionally can promote healthier marriages. But it’s also essential for the church’s ministry to all people where they are. After all, the majority of people who get married will be single again at some point.
One practical thing churches can do is include single people in leadership and feature their voices. Many leaders got married young themselves and don’t realize how they’re making single people feel excluded. They may assume they know what it’s like to be single, but everyone’s experience is different.
I hear that all the time from single people–that the church is the last place they can find a spouse, because the men don’t do emotional labor and excuse lust and porn use by blaming women. They feel more respect from men outside the church, which is so sad.
Anyone else familiar with this scenario in a church context: unmarried couple is found to be sleeping together. Pastor tells them he/she will marry them tomorrow in his [backyard, office, etc] OR they can stop sleeping together and he will marry them in a more typical timeframe with a traditional ceremony, premarital counseling, etc. I’ve heard a version of this story numerous times from the perspective of the couple and of the pastor. Is this the best way to handle it? Or is it more about a sort of moral panic on the side of the pastor? Do we want the response to be hasty marriage or does this just make sex the most important part of the whole institution?