It’s time to analyze some more terrible takes–and work at critical thinking.
Rebecca and I wanted to start the new year focusing on our word of the year for 2026–SAFETY–and seeing how so much of what we see on social media in evangelical spaces for women works directly against that.
So we thought we’d walk you through a few problematic articles we’ve seen lately, as well as some problematic social media posts, to show how people can use critical thinking skills to recognize when things that may “sound” Christian actually aren’t.
And how it’s okay to walk away from advice that isn’t safe or healthy!
I often get the best feedback from people after we work our way through articles, because it teaches them how to do it themselves. So I hope you find this helpful!
Also, I think one of the things I find most interesting is that so much of this advice sounds just plain miserable.
When they give their marriage advice, their marriage sounds miserable and awful. Why would anyone want to live like that? So much of evangelical marriage advice rubs me this way, and I just want to say: if the stuff you’re reading and hearing sounds miserable, then maybe it’s time to tune out of that source!
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
00:00 Welcome & 2026 Intro, Patreon Book Club
3:15 “Why Women Are Going To Therapy Instead Of Church”
13:00 Why Good Pastors Actually Want Women In Therapy
18:23 What Does It Mean To Be In Safe Community?
21:42 How The “Seductive Woman” Analogy Dehumanizes Women
29:23 What Is Wrong With the Tandem Bike Marriage Metaphor
42:23 Your Husband Knows He’s Messing Up, Don’t Tell Him (Really??)
44:43 Don’t Bring Up Things That Bother You Because Not Everything Is A Sin (Spoiler: We Disagree)
47:15 Stop Being Negative And Choose To Be Grateful (But Sometimes Feedback Is Necessary!)
51:22 All People Need To Feel Safe In Relationships
57:13 Real Research: Followership Behavior Study
1:00:38 Protect Your Safety In 2026 By Fixing Your Algorithm & Finding Healthy Community
Key Talking Points
- Biblical Counseling vs. Licensed Therapy – Why women turning to professional therapy instead of church leaders is actually healthy, and why most good pastors support this
- The Safety Principle – Safety doesn’t mean avoiding persecution from the world, but means not being consistently beaten down by those who should be your support system (spouse, pastor, church community)
- Critical Thinking Framework – Ask yourself: Is this gendered? Who benefits from this advice? Would I accept this for my 7-year-old? Does this person sound happy?
- The Tandem Bike Problem – Deconstructing Tilly Dillehey’s marriage metaphor and why “doubling his strength” means you disappear rather than both partners showing up fully
- The Nagging vs. Communication Myth – Why giving your spouse factual feedback isn’t criticism or nagging, and how treating basic communication as “disrespect” creates an unhealthy dynamic
- Safety is Non-Negotiable in 2026 – Because God wants all of us to live in safe families, safe marriages, in safe churches, and safe communities. And fostering safety means prioritizing mental health and thinking more critically about the messages we allow to influence our lives.
- Algorithm Curation – Practical advice on unfollowing toxic sources (Gospel Coalition, Focus on the Family, Desiring God) and following healthier Christian voices instead
Things Mentioned in the Podcast
TO SUPPORT US:
- Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our work
- And check out our Merch, or any of our courses!
- Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko Foundation
- Join our email list!
LINKS MENTIONED:
- The Desiring God article on tandem bikes
- The Gospel Coalition article on therapy
- Our book The Marriage You Want, and the video series that goes with it
- The study on followership behaviour
- Our article on our word of the year–Safety
Why do you think women are going to therapy instead of pastors? And does this type of advice sound depressing to you too? Let’s talk in the comments!
Transcript
Coming soon
As someone who grew up with a critical mother, I sympathize with the idea of women learning not to criticize so much. But, that’s not the same thing as what they are saying, which is to simply keep women from ever pointing out where their husbands made a mistake. I find it odd that these women talk so much about how amazing their husbands are. But if they are such great, godly men, why do they get so upset about having their mistakes pointed out? If I make a mistake of any size I want my wife to tell me so that I can do better. We are all so emotionally immature, across the board. Another reason therapists are a good thing!
Exactly! These guys don’t sound great; they sound like fragile toddlers.
What else did you expect from Desiring God, i.e. The Pious Piper?
One thing that I’ve found very frustrating over the years is that TGC does not enable comments. Once several years ago, I was so angered by an article about the role of older women in TGC type churches that I contacted the editor. He said I could send a letter to him, but he could not guarantee that he’d pass it along to the author.
Yes, so many sites have taken off the ability to comment. I do have to moderate a lot to make sure it doesn’t become a cesspool, but not letting people comment is so aggravating.
This is more a comment for your Friday round up rather than this podcast, but I am less likely to comment on Youtube so I will put it here. Could you guys potentially speak to the idea of victim leveling, especially regarding the Philip Yancey situation? What I mean by victim leveling is that in Philip’s statement he mentions multiple victims of his affair (wife, people who read his books etc) but then at the end he says “but most of all, I have sinned against my God.” This rubbed me the wrong way as it felt like bypassing harm. In his mind, the greatest victim is a nebulous non-embodied entity who isn’t likely to give him immediate obvious consequences of his actions (God is unlike to smite him). This feels like it is down playing the actual physical harm he enacted upon his wife who now has to live with him and by right can give him obvious physical consequences of his actions because she hasn’t been hurt to the same extent as “God has.” I hope I am articulating this concept sufficiently. It really just felt like his was sending his sin into a conceptual realm rather than the physical realm that it actually was because he tend not to see conceptual sin as badly as we do one with physical manifestations.
Yep! We’re going to cover that too. It’s all a hug mess, and Tullian Tchividjian’s post really got me mad.
Oh my gosh that prayer about a “hedge of protection”. I heard that growing up and took it super seriously until I read the satirical book “Stuff Christians Like”. Why not a wall of protection? A castle? A cathedral? Couldn’t the man just hop over the excuse for a fence and “find” himself in sin anyway? I have so many questions.
For some reason, I always envisioned the “hedge” as a sort of boma enclosure with spikes poking out towards the invader, not a manicured boxwood hedge. In either case, my child brain could never figure out why someone wouldn’t just walk in the gate. Every hedge, fence, and wall has some sort of opening for getting in and out. I supposed I imagined whoever was inside the hedge of protection pulling shut a gate that also had spikes sticking out and then the entire hedge-circle would levitate just enough to move around with the person like a giant force field. 😆 And no, I never played video games; I just had an active imagination.
Ever heard Tim Hawkins of the “Hedge of Protection?” Hilarious!
Regarding that Yancey thing, I will at least give him credit for mentioning that his wife was a victim. Sometimes in these situations, the person caught will only say that they have betrayed or sinned against God, the church, their congregation, etc., and often leave the wife out of it (or sometimes the woman he was with, who, if single, may now be isolated from the church and blamed for everything in the first place).
And also credit for owning the fact that this disqualifies him from ministry/writing etc. Should go without saying but I don’t remember seeing someone spell that out so explicitly in a public apology before.
Needless to say, it doesn’t minimise what he did in any way, but he does at least seem to recognise the seriousness of it.
You know, it’s entirely possible to go to therapy AND church. If you’re noticing that a whole bunch of people are choosing therapy INSTEAD of your church, maybe it’s worth asking why they might start to think your church is not a healthy place?? I’m going to guess it won’t have much to do with them being overly dualistic.
TGC has the exact same attitude re Therapy as Scientology.
Unwanted competition for THEIR alternative equivalent..
Tip: When your church culture could be described as “Just like Scientology, Except CHRISTIAN(TM)!”, that is NOT a good sign.
The feeling competent makes him feel sexual comment (I can’t remember the exact phrase) had me spluttering laughter. Can you imagine one of these men having sexual feelings to/from their male boss because their boss considers them competent? I know the exact comment and discussion were contextualized, but the way it was said was too funny in the context of a belief system that likes strict always/never dichotomies.
These Mighty MenaGAWD have spent too much time in their own echo chamber; they have no idea just how WEIRDD they sound to someone outside the bubble. And not Weird in a good way.
ANd sometimes their sheer cluelessness gets hilarious…
Remember Ray Comfort and his banana proof of Young Earth Creationism?
About the ‘seductive woman’ bit… I think Sheila’s take on it is more accurate than Rebecca’s: Proverbs 5 is a father’s warning to his son, that HE needs to exercise wisdom and self-control. I get the feeling that Solomon’s instructions to his son is born out of his own bitter experience.
I think putting Proverbs in the ‘OT misogyny’ box is not warranted. Wisdom is personified as a woman (the Hebrew word, chokma, is a feminine noun); Solomon tells his son to listen to both his father AND his mother; women are described as building their house through wisdom; etc etc.
Yes, there are warnings against bad women, but equally, there are warnings against bad men.
Side note: Proverbs 31 is a king’s mother admonishing her son that he needs to get off the ‘wine, women and song’ circuit, and start governing properly, and get himself a proper wife. It’s not actually a list of goals for women; it’s a wake-up call for a delinquent king, and the entire chapter is what his MOTHER says to him! (I only discovered this last month, and it’s kind of exciting me, just in case you can’t tell… LOL.) I feel like this needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Or at least the pulpits.
I’d never noticed that about Prov 31. Interesting!
Though how can we be sure V10 and onwards follow on from v1-9 rather than being a separate thought?
(Not a rhetorical question, I’m unsure about it and interested in your thoughts)
Sheila, can you sometime address the common platitude that having an affair or moral failing “can happen to anyone”? I see people saying this after the Yancey news and it annoys me to no end. I am married and neither my husband and I will ever have an affair. I’m not prideful in saying that; I’m being truthful. Most of us faithful married people (Christian or not) are not on the verge of constant temptation to have an affair! It sounds similar to the prayer described in the podcast, where a wife is constantly anxious for her husband to stay faithful to her. This fear-based worldview is tragic, pathetic and not the reality for most of us. And when people say it after another Christian leader’s failings, it just sounds like another example of sin levelling. Except instead of saying “you’ve told a lie in your life so you’re just as bad as XYZ,” it’s saying, “be honest, you know YOU could have an affair soon too so don’t judge.”
I came across this on my Substack right after writing that comment. I’d love to hear Sheila and Rebecca analyze it on a podcast. https://newsletter.oalannoble.com/p/take-heed-lest-you-fall-into-an-affair
Based upon my 35 years of practicing mostly family law that given the perfect storm of circumstances anybody will cheat. This includes everybody from the most devout to the worst heathens. Probably 80% of the people that cheat never intended to do so. They didn’t set out to have an affair. The stars just lined up and Boom!!!
Most of these affairs take place in the work place and women will cheat faster than men.
I’ll take research on affairs over anecdotes, thanks. Women will not cheat faster than men, according to the literature. I stand by my statement that my husband and I will both never cheat. I’ll check back in 50 years and confirm our ability to keep it in our pants. we don’t need to follow the billy graham rule or any other nonsense, either. we just treat everyone around us as human beings like we did when we were single for 35 and 38 years, with dignity and self control. You say that circumstances lead to cheating. I know that decisions and choices do.
I’ll be happy to review your research if you’ll cite it. I’ll also state that there’s world on paper and the world in reality.
Bad choices are included in the aforementioned circumstances. You make enough of them and suddenly you’re in trouble. Things happen that you had no intention of happening.
There’s a saying among lawyers that I first heard back in law school. “A man will sacrifice his happiness for his family. A woman will sacrifice her family for her happiness.” Over the years I’ve found that to be true.
Boone, a family lawyer is going to see a group of people that largely have one thing in common: their marriages broke down, and frequently adultery was a factor. You’ve studied that group and concluded that religiosity, social status, and having good intentions or a genuine belief that infidelity is wrong do not protect you from potentially committing adultery. I think New Listener is saying that there *is* something that can keep you out of that group, which is self-awareness and commitment to actively maintain honesty and integrity with yourself and others, no matter how difficult your circumstances.
Instead of saying “anyone can cheat,” wouldn’t it be more accurate to say, “you would be surprised at the characteristics that *don’t* prevent cheating”? And we should also study the behavior of people who stayed faithful, even under stress or difficult circumstances or temptation, and see what set them apart from those who made wrong choices.
A wise person looks at the life of others and history and takes heed. We learn from the example of Peter denying Jesus that good intentions aren’t enough. I think it’s good to cultivate healthy self examination as a regular practice to keep ourselves from “falling asleep at the wheel” in the long years of adult decisions. Also, having true, honest relationships with others who will tell us in love if they see the start of an unhealthy attitude or habit.
“Based upon my 35 years of practicing mostly family law that given the perfect storm of circumstances anybody will cheat.”
How does this differ from “BUT EVERYBODY’S DOING IT!”?
(Thirty-odd years ago, I had a predator try to high-pressure his way into my pants using a variant of “Everybody’s Doing It, You’re Just In Denial”. I didn’t fall for it.)
Yep! It’s coming out on Monday and was out on my Substack on Friday!
I agree that an affair cannot necessarily “happen to anyone”. A moral failing, however, of various types, CAN happen to anybody.
nope! not a moral failing that would ever make the news cycle. I can confidently promise I will never embezzle money, traffic children, take or give a bribe, abuse a position of power, commit perjury, or any other moral failing. and I’m not being prideful to say so. I’m being a self aware, grown adult with a fully formed brain, a conscience, and the Holy Spirit (though again, I don’t think Christians have the moral high ground–most nonChristians I know will never do any of these things either).
I think it is wise to consider the doors that inability to deal with weakness and hurt can open to moral failings.
The one person that I knew personally who went to prison for embezzlement had a gambling addiction; he stole from his employer to pay gambling debts. I think that a significant number of women who get involved in child exploitation or trafficking (usually of their own child) do so because it feeds their drug addictions or a very psychologically twisted need to have male approval/“protection”.
I have seen people commit moral failings when they were angry at God- when they were hurt at feeling left alone or abandoned through a trial, when they were tired of being good without help or encouragement for a very long time and wanted to act out by being bad- even when those bad actions hurt others or were self-destructive. Resentment against God and others, if I don’t have the emotional maturity to process it and deal with it, can be like a very long fuse that suddenly explodes.
These are not excuses, but it is good to remember that life can get messy and complicated and the greatest tragedies often arise when “good” people with good intentions don’t know how to process certain emotions or unmet desires in a healthy way, and it blows up.
When. I was married to my first husband over 26 years ago, we did do marriage counseling through our church which I’m not sure was that helpful. I remember the first pastor, who happened to be on his second or third marriage, said that divorce should never be an option. Almost 2 years later, I had been seeing a licensed female counselor for personal help and then we saw her for joint counseling. Neither one helped our marriage, especially since he was sexually abusing me. The reason I went to a licensed female counselor was because I didn’t want to talk to a male counselor about the sexual abuse and felt too embarrassed to do so. Going to this female counselor helped me to gain the courage to leave my ex.
I didn’t want to go to church counseling because of their spiel that divorce should never be an option. I was afraid I’d be told to stay and submit .
As another commenter mentioned, I think going to church AND counseling is acceptable. We go to church for spiritual fulfillment. License counseling addresses the mental and emotional well-being. It’s like taking your car to a mechanic for service on your car or going to a hairdresser to get your hair fixed. You don’t go to church to get your car serviced or to get your hair cut.
Thing I noticed quickly about the tandem bike article: the author didn’t want to be at the front, even when it was with her sister.
So she takes her insecurities and slaps a “God” label on it! This isn’t something she needs to work on or her own personal limitation she should acknowledge; this is about ALL WOMEN.
I’ve said this before and it became your comment of the week: traditional gender roles don’t just tell you what you have to do; they tell you what you’re exempted from doing.
A woman who is scared of leading likes that arrangement, not because God made women to follow, but because she herself gets a pass on needing to lead.