Pastors should not be writing books until they’ve dealt with their trauma.
And even then, they shouldn’t write the book based on how they dealt with their trauma. They should write it based on peer reviewed research, because one person’s experience may be the exception, not the rule.
Our third–and last–instalment of our Love & Respect docuseries is live now, and in this one we delve into the question: what if Emerson Eggerichs’ love & respect concept was not actually based in Scripture or from God at all, but rather was his attempt to make sense of his childhood? He may not have realized that of course, but when you look at the evidence–it’s striking. And sobering.
And pastors and Focus on the Family should have seen right through it.
Many of you likely remember the story that Emerson Eggerichs tells of how as a child he witnessed his father strangle his mother (she lived). He then praises her for never saying a bad word about him, and for not seeing herself as a victim. We’ve talked about this a number of times in the podcast (and especially this episode where we examine his sermon at Houston’s First Baptist).
In the final episode, we look into this in more detail, using his own words. And we see the ramifications of what happens when someone speaks from a position of unhealed trauma, rather than from a position of wholeness, based in peer reviewed research.
We also measure the harm that’s been done by this book.
We look at what our own stats showed about whether or not men need respect more than women do, and what happens to a marriage when the couple believes this. We talked to several women who believed the Love & Respect message hook line and sinker, and saw what it did to their marriages–even marriages that weren’t abusive.
And we ask: how can we spot stuff like this so it doesn’t happen again?
We hope that you’ve enjoyed this docuseries!
We’ve been working on it behind the scenes for so long, and I think Rebecca and Joanna are very glad it’s finally done and they can share it with the world! They’ll be taking a bit of a victory lap before moving on to the next project.
So thank you to everyone who donated to our Good Fruit Faith initiative, and to our Patreon supporters, who all help make this possible (and donations to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko Foundation are tax deductible within the United States).
Please help this series go big, so that others will see it. One of our goals is to try to reach a younger audience, who is currently being fed tradwife content and all the theobros content and being sucked down a fundamentalist version of Christianity. We hope that this helps, and we hope that people curious about the book will watch the docuseries before they read the book–and decide to choose a different book instead!
So help others find it.
- Please like the videos when you watch them and leave comments. It helps the alogorithm!
- When you see us share about the videos on social media, or share little clips from them, please like and share!
- And tell THREE friends or relatives that you think would like the series about it! Let’s keep the momentum going, now that all three episodes are out!
And again, here are all three videos! If you’d rather just listen, you can find the audio on the Good Fruit Faith podcast channel (but remember that you will miss some elements of it since some of it is visually based).
What do we do instead of Love & Respect?
Please tell other people about our HEALTHY marriage book The Marriage You Want. It doesn’t have any of the ridiculous advice that’s in Love & Respect, and shares advice that lines up with research as to what actually helps couples thrive. And it’s right in line with Jesus too!
We’ve got an accompanying study guide that also has premarital questions and small group questions, and even a video series.
Church: it’s time to put the unheathy behind us and choose health and truth!
Let me know: What most surprised you in the video series? Did you see anything new you hadn’t known before? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts about the Issues in Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
Must Read Overall Synopses:
- An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson Eggerichs
- Our Video Deep Dive Docuseries: Part 1; Part 2; and Part 3
Our Resources:
- Download our One-Sheet Summary of the Problems with Love & Respect
- Our Rubric and Scorecard Outlining Why Love & Respect Scored 0/48 on Healthy Sexuality
- An Outline of How Emerson Eggerichs Misuses Scripture in Love & Respect
- I’m Passing the Torch on Love & Respect. 10 Ways You Can Pick it Up
Basic Issues with Love & Respect:
- A Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
- Love and Respect: Why Unconditional Respect Can’t Work
- The Ultimate Flaw in the Book Love and Respect: Jesus Isn’t at the Center
- Is It Okay if Christian Marriage Books are Just a Little Bit Harmful?
Problems with How Emerson Eggerichs Handles Abuse:
- Dissecting a Sermon Series where Emerson Eggerichs Gaslights Abuse Victims
- Love & Respect is Being Used by the BDSM Community to Convince Wives to Submit to Domination
- How Emerson Eggerichs Misses Examples of Marital Rape
Podcasts Discussing these Issues:
- Why Unconditional Respect Isn't a Thing (and how the verse the book is based on, and the survey data the book is based on, don't hold water).
- An Example from Eggerichs' blog of Eggerichs Gaslighting Women (we work through line by line)
- Dissecting Eggerichs' Love & Respect Sermons at Houston's First Baptist Church, with His Dismissal of Abuse
- How Emerson Eggerichs Ignores Marital Rape, plus our interview with The Woman Crying in the Shower
- How Emerson Eggerichs Misuses Scripture in Love & Respect
- Our Love & Respect Wrap Up
Rebecca and Joanna, this has obviously been an incredibly difficult and time-consuming project, but it is SO important, and you did such a fabulous job on it. The three videos are pretty much perfect. May they bear lots and lots of good fruit.
Thank you so much!
As someone who has been nearly killed by the steadfast application of the teachings in Love & Respect AND who finds the good in even the gruffest people, I cannot express how deeply appreciative I am of the careful distinction make between stopping the harm while seeking healing for the one causing the harm. Thank you! It resonates so strongly with me as the delicate line I walk with my children regarding their father.
My kids were also put in the situation of protecting mother from father, and they fear him because of it. It would be so easy to turn him into a monster…except that I understand why he is the way he is. While it does not excuse his behavior towards me or the kids, my kids needed to understand why he is that way to: 1) have compassion on him as a wounded human, 2) realize they are not like him and don’t need to fear that they are becoming him, 3) learn how not to blame the victim for the abuse, 4) decide how to relate to their father on their own terms, 5) recognize these dynamics when they run into them in their lives.
This is how we are breaking the cycle.
I really like that second point especially–that this helps kids realize they aren’t going to become him. That’s so important!
What made me sad was seeing how he openly mocked women for having valid needs. He put men’s needs on a higher level than women’s needs. The way Eggerich denied that women also deserved respect was very telling. Unfortunately that attitude is a part of many marriages and many churches.
I am definitely planning to buy several more copies of your books for family members and friends who are getting married this year.
Thank you so much!
The video were so well done. Thank you!
The clips where he was mocking women for being nervous and for walking on egg shells were so upsetting for me to watch even though I had seen them before. In the context of the 3 videos it really jumped out how warped it all is. So cruel.
I was just so surprised to hear everyone laughing along with him! That was so horrifying.