Fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

Those are the common responses we have to trauma. When we face a threat, our body may go into fight mode. We may try to run away (or desperately want to!). We may freeze, feel unable to do anything.

Or we may fawn.

That last one is a little different. The first three often happen when there’s something imminent that is happening right now (think a physical attack). But what happens if such an attack could come at any time, but you never know when? What happens if you realize that you’re quite vulnerable in a relationship, and the other person poses quite a threat to you. Then what do you do?

You become as attractive as possible to the threat. 

You fawn. 

• You talk quietly, so as not to draw attention to yourself so that you also don’t draw their anger.
• You agree with what they say and don’t express your true opinion.
• You couch anything you say with flattery (“give him a crown, and he’ll become a king!”)
• You scan their emotions, to see if they’re upset, and you do what you can to calm them down and be a calming presence.
• You remain on an even keel.
• When things go wrong, you absorb the blame, apologizing and trying to figure out how you can prevent it later (“don’t be a stumbling block to the boys around you!)

And so on and so on. 

Does any of that sound familiar to you? 

Shrink yourself, be silent, flatter, appease, take the blame, expect nothing.

All of these are elements of the fawn trauma response. And every single one of them is also taught to women as a key element of biblical womanhood.

Fawning is a survival strategy when women are in danger, OR when women are in unequal power relationships where they’re vulnerable. Being vulnerable makes people fawn.

And so the question is: Why is it that evangelical women need a survival strategy?

My new book Fawn shows how all the elements of a trauma response became taught as biblical womanhood, and points us a new way forward.

And Fawn is available for pre-order now!

It comes out in March, but you can pre-order it now so that you’ll be sure not to miss it!

Pre-order it from Amazon, or you can get it right from the publisher for 40% off plus free shipping in the United States.

Fawn sums up everything I’ve been trying to say.

This is the book, really the seminal work, that explains why sex advice got so bad, why marriage advice got so bad, why women have been pushed aside in church.

And it isn’t something we can just fix by understanding power dynamics better or by understanding how we got here. Because real trauma has been done to women and girls. And that’s why I invided Dr. Merry Lin to be my co-author on this. She’s a psychologist who has worked with trauma victims, and she knows about trauma. And together we’re going to help you understand why, as women, we often feel so vulnerable and have a hard time speaking up. And we’ll give you exercises and a path forward to reclaim your agency.

Fawn is like The Great Sex Rescue on steroids.

It’s got so many quotes from books, but this time also from megachurch pastors like Josh Howerton and Joby Martin. 

And of course it has charts! We draw on all of the studies that we’ve done to pull out stats that we’ve never thought to run before. And we’ve got some neat charts that you haven’t seen yet that are quick, easy to understand, and will hopefully drive home the message that the way women are being treated in evangelicalism is not of Jesus. Is not healthy. And is certainly not okay.

I feel like God has been drawing an amazing community together to advocate for His daughters. 

We’ve had Beth Allison Barr looking at church history to show us how women were always in ministry throughout the ages, and the reasoning that women should be kept in the background that we hear today is not the historic practice of the chruch.

We’ve had Kristin Kobes Du Mez showing us the modern history of evangelicalism, and how it relies on stereotypes and politics far more than the Bible (and her new book Live Laugh Love releases tomorrow!).

We’ve had biblical scholars showing us what the original languages and text actually say. We’ve even had art historians critiquing the way we look at women (did you listen to the podcast last week? It was fascinating!). 

What we do here at Bare Marriage that’s unique is that we’ve actually studied the effects of all of these teachings on women. We take it out of the academic and theoretical debates and just look at the data. 

All of our approaches are necessary. It’s like how Paul writes about the body, and how each part is necessary do its job. And right now God has an army of women tackling the same issue from all different sides. 

I’ve never seen such an amazing coordination–and it’s not even intentional on our part (I think it is on God’s!). 

God is raising up an army to stand up for His daughters. 

And I invite you to be part of this movement. Please pre-order Fawn (and get the other books I’ve talked about too!). Let’s get this movement steamrolling!

Where can you pre-order it?

Pretty much anywhere you normally buy your books!

• Amazon, of course 
• Directly from Baker Books 
• Bookshop.org (when you buy from them your purchase helps support local physical bookstores)
• Koorong in Australia (they tend to have it cheaper than Amazon in Australia!)
• Indigo in Canada 

Why it helps authors when you pre-order

When you pre-order, it tells Amazon or other retailers, “Hey, there’s a lot of interest in this book, so you better buy a bunch of them.”

Other retailers see that this book is getting buzz, so they stock it. And retailers like Chapters/Indigo and Barnes and Noble, that have online as well as physical stores, are more likely to stock it in their physical store if it sells well online.

In addition, Amazon and other retailers often lower the price when there’s a lot of interest to bring the buzz even more–so you’ll get a lower price!

When you order early, you’re guaranteed the lowest price (because you’re charged when it ships, not now).

I’ll be telling you a lot more about Fawn in the new year.

We’re so excited for this book. We feel like it’s everything we’ve been working towards for years.

We want book to be a major wake up call to the church–and to rescue women who have shrunk themselves. And you can help make that happen!

Thank you so much for your support. Together we’re going to change the evangelical conversation about women!