A lot of people need to hear this for Christmas!
I wrote this a few years ago, and I wanted to revisit it today as we get closer to Christmas. You aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings! And many of us need to hear that.
Are you responsible for making your husband happy–or for making your wife happy?
What about your kids? Do you owe them a happy life? Do you owe your parents a happy Christmas?
I gave a speech at my daughter’s Katie wedding where I was trying to express a big truth, and I still don’t feel like I did a good job (the speech was short; but that’s not really an excuse. Lincoln gave the Gettysburg address in just a few minutes; I could have figured it out better).
(Incidentally, if you want to hear another part of my speech, and Keith’s speech, and Rebecca’s speech, watch Katie’s wedding video!).
Anyway, what I was trying to say was something like this:
Many people will give you advice about how to have a good marriage, how to be a good wife, how to make your husband happy. But what those people think doesn’t matter. What your husband thinks isn’t even the main goal. It’s what God thinks that matters. When you run after God and let Him become bigger in your life, you’ll love David well and have a great marriage. But when you’re focused on what other people think you should do, or how other people feel, you can miss the boat. Pursue God; and everything else falls into place as it should.
It didn’t come out well, though, and I’d like to elaborate on it today, because in the Focus on the Family broadcast I shared yesterday, that was actually the focus: how a wife can make a husband happy. And this time of year, we’re often focused on how to make our kids happy, or how to keep peace in the extended family.
That’s simply the wrong focus. So let’s start from first principles:
God does not tell us we are responsible for making other people happy.
We are not responsible for other people’s feelings. We are only responsible for our own attitudes and actions.
God never tells us to make others happy. He tells us to be kind, loving, peaceable, giving, good, trustworthy, faithful. He tells us to treat others as we would have them treat us; He tells us to act as someone’s neighbor (easier said than done in marriage–that’s why “my husband is my neighbor” is thought #1 in 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage!).
But then there’s something deeper (as C.S. Lewis would say, there’s a deeper magic! Higher up and further in!).
The goal is not just to be kind, loving, peaceable, giving, good, trustworthy, his neighbor, etc. etc. The goal is to grow to be transformed into the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:29), that we may show people God, and point others to Him.
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.
The goal is to point others to Jesus.
Those are the goals of your life: To be transformed into His likeness, and to point others to Him.
Your ultimate purpose, then, is not that your husband is happy, or that your kids are happy and have an easy life, or that your mom is happy with you. Your goal should be that God is glorified.
To me, that’s a big relief. I’m not responsible for my kids being happy or for Keith being happy. I’m just responsible for acting as Jesus would, and for growing in my relationship with Him. And that’s something I can control!
Paul even wrote:
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Paul knew that sometimes whether or not someone is happy with us actually does NOT depend on us. We are not ultimately responsible.
That’s really what I was trying to say to Katie: When we serve God and run after Him, then we’ll end up treating our spouse well, and the marriage will usually grow.
When our aim, though, is our spouse’s happiness, sometimes that will cause us to enable sin; paper over problems that need to be dealt with so we don’t upset him (or her); or ignore our own needs and feel more emotionally distant.
A happy marriage is not built on one spouse trying to make the other happy; a happy marriage is built on two spouses trying to love each other and caring for each other’s needs. Having a happy husband (or a happy wife) is not the measuring stick for your success in life. Pleasing God is the measuring stick for your success in life.
Sometimes pleasing God does not result in a happy spouse.
Do the things that make us happy automatically bring God’s best in our lives?
Let’s say that what makes your husband happy is getting to play video games all day, everyday. If you made him happy by never making any demands on him, is this the right thing to do? You’re now enabling a video game addiction. If you have kids, you’re making it easy for him to ignore the kids. You’re also encouraging him to have a very self-focused life, where he doesn’t contribute to the betterment of this world.
Or what if the thing that makes him happy is something else that is bad for him–like eating a ton of baked goods and drinking pop? If you constantly bake unhealthy food because it makes him happy, are you helping him? What is it that God wants for him? God wants him to be healthy and energetic, because God has works specifically planned for your husband to do (Ephesians 2:10). Treating our health cavalierly does not contribute to bringing the kingdom of God on this earth.
And you can think of many other examples, I’m sure. I know for myself I LOVE spending a whole weekend watching Netflix and knitting. But that’s not ultimately good for me, and there are other things that God has for me to do. I know that it makes me really happy to to phone a friend and gossip a ton about someone who is being ridiculous, but that doesn’t please God, either. The point is not our happiness; the point is who God wants us to be.
And as we grow closer to God, soon the things that make us happy actually line up with what God wants for us, because our hearts are transformed to be like Jesus. So a video game binge weekend loses its appeal, and we stick to a few hours with friends but then do meaningful things with our lives.
Sometimes pleasing God makes your marriage rocky.
We find the story of Abigail, Nabal, and David in 1 Samuel 25. Abigail was married to Nabal, who was a bully and likely an abusive scumbag (he really was a scumbag, if you read Scripture). Nabal offended David and his band of warriors, and Abigail deliberately went against Nabal to do the right thing and protect her household.
Sometimes doing the right thing upsets your husband.
Saying no to porn, putting filters on the computer, or having his brothers in for an intervention into his porn habit may upset your husband, but you know that God’s ultimate good for your husband is that the porn use stops.
Drawing boundaries around what yelling or calling names may upset your husband, but it is pleasing to God (if your husband is physically abusive, please take care before confronting him, and get to safety).
Seriously, sometimes Keith has had to sit me down and say, “Sheila, you may not think this is an issue, but it is an issue that is affecting us. And it matters. And so we are going to deal with it, even if you don’t like it, because our marriage matters.”
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The concept of boundaries teaches us that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings; we are only responsible for our own.
So, please, can we stop talking about how to make your husband (or your wife) happy? It really becomes idolatry at some point. Certainly show your husband love! Certainly be kind to one another. But keep the focus where it sholud be: Love Jesus well, and you’ll end up loving your husband well. And as you do that, your marriage will grow and your husband will likely be happier.
But if you’re loving Jesus well and you’re being kind and gracious and your spouse isn’t happier–that’s not on you. And it’s important that we get this language right. In everything, put God first, and the rest takes care of itself.
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Thank you for sharing this. You are absolutely correct. It is not up to us to make another person happy, look good, etc. Our priority is to love Jesus first and follow his example.
Absolutely!
This blog post will offer some clarity as well, but pre-clutch your pearls if you don’t like those Anglo-Saxon words that end in the hard consonants, which may appear in both the posts and comments:
https://zawn.substack.com/p/what-dad-privilege-looks-like-during-fb4
And be sure to also check out the regular “Dad Privilege Checklist” linked just above the comments for more bullet points.
Reading the Dad Privilege Checklist and realizing the truth in it is what finally pushed me off the cliff of feminism. 🙂
Of course this applies to marriage and family and whats most important. For me, I am thinking about this more in the context of Christmas. I am not responsible for making people happy at Christmas. I see where I have fallen into that trap. Particularly due to the fact that it was set up that way. I fell into secular Christmas concepts and mixed them into the Spiritual meaning of Christmas. (Like many of us, I also grew up with that) Now I want out (and have for years) of the secular Christmas but it is engrained – even in my church! (We had Santa at the door for em event last year) “Getting out” doesn’t seem like an option because people would be disappointed. What I am doing is working on changing my attitude. By now I have usually said, I hate Christmas” many times. “I will admit, something happened the other day, and I started saying it and stopped myself at hate. I truly want the true meaning of Christmas to dwell within me. I am working on how to separate this world of Christmas without Christ and the Christmas of my Faith in Jesus who is Christ!
Sheila. Thank you for sharing that video. I remember bits and pieces of that that you shared shortly after. This might get weird but I don’t care. Here is what happened to me when I watched the video. Besides it being perfect (except the bling thing) it gave me calm. When I am in or approaching hypo mania mode I sometimes take a Xanax to calm me down. I can feel the stress fall off my face and release within my brain and body. From watching that video it produced that exact sensation. I certainly identify that as a sense of peace. Peace I wish I could sit in forever. Thank you.
Hmm. Where do we think the line is between an unhealthy sense of obligation to “make people happy” and an appropriate investment in others’ wellbeing? You can’t have healthy relationships without the latter. But some relationships and situations just have blurrier lines, I think. I’m curious how people work this out practically.
I think the key is to show care and concern without making yourself responsible for how other people feel, which is outside your control. (With some people, it also helps to accept that they are NEVER going to be happy, regardless of what you do! We are bracing ourselves for the Christmas visit from my mother, who is one such person – we know it won’t be easy, but it’s an awful lot easier than it could be, because we are not taking responsibility for her attitude. So if she chooses to be miserable, it’s on her!!!)
My ex was such a person. He could NEVER be happy, but man did he get mad when I stopped trying to MAKE him happy!
I was also thinking of the analogy Rebecca gave about not letting your child eat Cheetos all day everyday because that’s what makes them happy. It sounds appealing to the child at first, then they’ll get sick because they’re only loading up on junk food and not the healthy stuff.
Being in Celebrate Recovery has taught me that I am not responsible for others’ reactions or behaviors. I’m only responsible for mine. It helps that this is a Christ centered recovery program. This ministry has taught me way more about how to achieve healthier relationships than most Christian marriage books or focus on the family ever taught me.
Congratulations on your willingness to learn and keep on learning!