Let’s take a look at The Love Dare by the Kendrick brothers
Do you remember the movie Fireproof? It had a book that went along with it–The Love Dare–and that book has been a huge best-seller for two decades. Today we’re going to take a close look at it for a comprehensive review
One of the things we’re passionate about on this blog is making sure the self-help and relationship advice in the evangelical world is healthy.
Over the last few years, our team has surveyed 40,000 people, measuring how certain teachings common in the evangelical world about marriage and sex affect marital and sexual satisfaction.
And the results have not been pretty.
We’re asking the church to stop spreading harmful messages, and make sure that what is said is actually healthy. Because it is actually possible to write books that do not harm!
As we’ve confronted harmful messages, we’ve written three big books–The Marriage You Want, The Great Sex Rescue and She Deserves Better.
We’ve also published a series of downloadable one-sheets on evangelical books that still sell well, but have been shown to contain harmful messages.
And today, we’d like to talk about the book The Love Dare.
This post is written in bullet form, with just the synopsis of the problems. You can download the post below, in a one-sheet format that can be printed.
And tune in tomorrow, to episode 280 of the Bare Marriage podcast, where Rebecca and I talk about these issues!
The Love Dare, New Revised Edition
By Stephen and Alex Kendrick
STATED SYNOPSIS OF THE Love Dare
A 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love.
Summary of Issues with The Love Dare by the Kendricks
- Views the success of a marriage based on whether or not the marriage stays intact, rather than on whether people are healthy, whole, and safe
- Rather than focusing on growing intimacy, encourages people to gaslight themselves into believing any problems are not real or important
- Confuses forgiveness and reconciliation, and does not acknowledge that one can forgive without restoring relationship
- Presents a view of sexual intimacy that is coercive in nature
The Love Dare
One Sheet
Everything Harmful with The Love Dare Summarized on One Sheet!
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The Love Dare Teaches People to Ignore Problems Rather Than Deal with Them
- Implies that our spouse’s faults shouldn’t hurt us because we should find our joy in God instead.
“Your husband may be late coming home. Again. But God will always be right on time.” (100)
- Stereotypes any time a wife brings up concerns to her husband as “scolding” or “nagging” or complaining (80). Says that instead of “endless nagging”, we should commit to pray rather than using “persuasive efforts” (day 16), partly because “it is a much more pleasant way to live.” Never shows examples of addressing issues in a healthy way, instead advising people to write down your spouse’s faults and “burn” the paper so you can forget about these things. (48).
- Sin levels routinely throughout the book:
“If you’re thinking that your spouse–not you–is the one who needs work in this area, you’re likely suffering from an undiagnosed case of ignorance, with a secondary condition of selfishness.” (37)
“You cannot point out the many ways your spuose is selfish without admitting that you can be selfish too.”
“Everyone has unresolved, issues, hurts, and personal baggage…But we have this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our partner’s failures under a magnifying glass.”
- Reminds people that though the bad things may be true of their spouse, “So are the good things.” Never actually tells people how to deal with the bad things; just tells them to think about the good things.
- Presents as a solution to dealing with your spouse’s selfishness and sins (which include porn, infidelity, and more) that you make a list of all the good things they do (day 7); remember that you are selfish too and are just as bad (day 5); say nothing negative (day 2); ask your spouse how you bother them (day 5); go out of your way to do thoughtful things and pick up small gifts and say nice things (day 4).
- Tells women in very unequal relationships where the husband is treating her badly that she should celebrate all the fun things he gets to do.
“He may be enjoying golf on the weekend while she stays home cleaning the house. He boasts to her about shooting a great score and she feels like shooting him.” (49)
(Instead, she should celebrate his great golf game.)
- Slants the definition of selfishness in favor of a husband. A husband is considered selfish if he “puts his interests, desires and priorities in front of his wife.” A wife is considered selfish if she “complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband.” She is selfish if she doesn’t want to carry all the load. (27)
- Never talks about how to draw boundaries.
The Love Dare Ignores Abuse and Infidelity, Prioritizing Marital Permanence Over Health
- Blames someone who leaves an unfaithful spouse, saying the one who left caused a “tragic divorce.” (104) Says that the biblical model is to love even when love is not returned, and insinuates that if someone does not, they are not truly a Christian. “If love is to be like His, it must love even when its overtures are returned unwanted.” (104)
- Downplays women’s well-being. “Kindness graces a wife with the ability to serve her husband without worrying about her rights.” (24). Some rights should be non-negotiable.
- Traps people in abusive marriages, warning that you can never leave your spouse—they can only leave you.
“When you have done everything within your power to obey God, your spouse may still forsake you and walk away–just as Jesus’ followers did to Him. But if your marriage fails, if your spouse walks away, let it not be because you gave up or stopped loving them. Love never fails.” (172).
- Draws no distinction between reconciliation and forgiveness, insinuating that once one has forgiven, the marriage is restored, without putting any onus on the offending spouse to stop the offending (porn use; infidelity, etc.). Instead, the onus is on the offended spouse to forgive. “Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long.” (116). Says that once someone forgives they will feel peace and feel free—but never talks about how to address the underlying problem that needed forgiving in the first place.
- Warns against talking ill of your spouse to others, which cuts off people in abusive marriages from support that may help them see clearly and get free.
- Points people seeking help to “a pastor, a Bible believing counselor, or a marriage ministry.” (156) (i.e. not focusing on finding qualified help but suggesting groups of people who have historically overlooked abuse.) Never mentions calling the police for abuse.
The Love Dare Prioritizes Frequency of Intercourse Over Intimacy & Safety
- Declares that sex is not something God allows us to “withhold.” Gives no caveat of any kind – eg. illness, abuse, infidelity, porn use, mistreatment, exhaustion, or even the postpartum period, insinuating God cares more about us having intercourse than treating each other well.
“You are the sole person on the face of the earth called and designated by God to meet your spouse’s sexual needs. So “stop depriving each other,” the Bible warns…If your spouse comes knocking and requesting physical intimacy, your love should open the door and welcome them in. Sex (or the withholding of it) is not to be used as a weapon or bagaining chip.” (144).
- Treats women’s pleasure as an afterthought. Never mentions that many women do not feel pleasure during sexual encounters, as evangelical couples suffer from a 47-point orgasm gap. Never mentions that evangelical women suffer from twice the rate of sexual pain than the general population, in large part due to teachings like those in this book.
- Says that God gave us sex in marriage as the “only way to protect our moral purity” (145).
The Love Dare HEALTHY SEXUALITY RUBRIC SCORE: 18/48*
INFIDELITY & LUST: 6/16 | PLEASURE 6/16 | MUTUALITY 6/16
What Others Have Said about The Love Dare
“The Love Dare came out the year of the first affair in the fifth year of our marriage. I truly think that it was THE reason that I gaslighted myself, brushed it under the rug and forgave without reconciliation or healing. In my 20 year marriage, I have suffered through 6 other instances with other levels of infidelity. And finally I have found peace with leaving. Finally.”
“The first three challenges have to do with refraining from negativity towards your spouse….The rest of the book focuses on reading bible passages together and praying together. I was looking for a real challenge that would push us to learn more about each other and offer more tools to repair a relationship. Waste of money and no help.”
“It basically says no matter what it is your duty as a Christian to stay married and also implies that only Christians can have truly fulfilling marriages. I had to force myself to finish it and still two weeks later am thinking of all the psychological damage this book could do to someone in a loveless or abusive marriage!” LM,
“The dare for the first day is this: if your spouse does something you don’t like, rather than speak up, say nothing. That’s right – DON’T tell them how their actions are affecting you. DON’T tell them they’ve hurt you. Don’t communicate, just keep your mouth shut. Love is patient, yes. But not to the point of becoming a doormat… What I’d like to see is more authenticity and openness in marriages. More communication, not less.”
“I’m in an abusive/controlling marriage and this book seemed to be telling me to do a lot of the things I already was; without solving the issues…This book really mocked me.”
Synopsis of Findings About The Love Dare
Two men with no credentials or education in marriage counseling wrote a 40-day challenge that invites people to paper over the problems in their marriage (even big ones like infidelity and abuse), and tells people that no matter how much your spouse sins, you sin just as much. Instead of showing couples how to deal with issues, encourages people to ignore those issues, setting up those in abusive marriages for much harm. Values marriage over the people in it, presenting a terrible version of how Jesus sees us.
Instead of The Love Dare, Choose…
The Marriage You Want by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire
Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend
The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight by Dr. Dan B. Allender and Dr. Steve Call
Get this whole post as a perfectly formatted download
Hand it out to your pastor, church librarian, sisters, friends, or anyone you know who is recommending The Love Dare!
The Love Dare
One Sheet
Everything Harmful with The Love Dare Summarized on One Sheet!
Subscribe today to get the free printout to share with your friends, family, and pastors
You may also enjoy:
- Our podcast on The Love Dare (coming tomorrow!)
- Our one-sheet on the issues with Love & Respect
- Our one-sheet on the issues with Power of a Praying Wife
- A list of all of our one-sheets
- Our Healthy Sexuality Rubric and Scorecard
Have you ever read The Love Dare? Or did you watch Fireproof? What did you think? Let’s talk in the comments!
Note to self: Never meet these authors face to face! Either they don’t think things through to the point of naiveté, or they’re extremely selfish and only worry about what they want (everyone else can just deal with it). Either way, these authors make me feel icky just reading their words. It’s like magical thinking disguised as spirituality!
It’s EXACTLY magical thinking disguised as spirituality. Like so much of our teaching about prayer and Christian life.
The difference between Religion and Magick (Crowley spelling deliberate) is that in religion the supernatural powers are the ones in control (or at least independent) and not subject to mortal control, where in Magick the mortal Sorcerer is the one giving the orders and his conjured and bound supernatural beingas & owers do the Sorcerer’s bidding.
And you know what the Witch-men of Appalachian lore and the Hexerai of Pennsylvania Dutch lore do the most in the stories about them? They extort money, goods, and sex from everyone around them, using their conjured & bound supernaturals as Enforcers.
I think it’s really pertinent to note that this book came out of the movie (Fireproof), not the other way around. In the movie, the book is given to a selfish, neglectful husband by his father, who challenges him to love his wife better. The problems arise because, in real life, it will almost never be the problematic spouse who picks up a book like this, but rather the one already trying to fix things, already being neglected and ignored, and the book clearly will exacerbate that dynamic when applied in that way. The authors should have considered this, but clearly didn’t.
I think you’ve nailed it Elizabeth. The movie depicted the spouse who had the bigger issues, and was doing the hurting, as the one who saw the light and changed his ways. So I enjoyed the movie on that basis.
The book should have come with a warning that it was unlikely to help a marriage if implemented by the spouse being hurt.
Not to mention that THEY MAE SURE to point out that the spouse who was being abused was ALSO in sin!
Yes, that’s the problem exactly!
“Your husband may be late coming home. Again. But God will always be right on time.”
Yet it’s hubby who insists on dinner being held until he gets home, regardless of the wife’s or kids’ needs.
“If you’re thinking that your spouse–not you–is the one who needs work in this area, you’re likely suffering from an undiagnosed case of ignorance, with a secondary condition of selfishness.” (37)
Is this sentiment ever directed at husbands who don’t give a crap about their wives never having an orgasm, or is it just the wives who are supposed to do colonoscopy-level introspection?
“Kindness graces a wife with the ability to serve her husband without worrying about her rights.” (24).
Yeah, when he’s focused on his penis not getting its conjugal rights, I’m sure he’s kindness personified.
In other words, the book shames women into doing more than ever while giving men a free pass to do even less.
Younger women have noticed, fellas, that your shtick is all about men, and that’s why women are increasingly not interested in church or men.
It really is so bad! To be fair, they tried to make things gender neutral. But it still ended up bad.
Their attempt at neutrality was ham-handed. See above.
I saw the movie and felt some unexplained discomfort with it. I had the book and did the dates but was single then and used the dates that could be for any type of relationship by displaying them toward others in my life. If these dates were specifically for marriage, I didn’t do them. I just dismissed them and thought maybe it was good that I was single.
Besides, I don’t think the Kendrick brothers ever wrote books. They make movies and I wouldn’t be surprised if neither one of them are college educated in the area of psychology or social work.
I meant “dares” not “dates.” That’s what happens when I type on my phone.
I think the books are definitely ghost written.
I read bits of it and thought it might be a worthwhile “dare” because it had things like reading the bible and praying together and that was sadly laughable but desired in my marriage (by me). I don’t recall what it was but there was some dare in it that made me throw it and just refuse to look anymore. I simply recall being so mad because it seemed there was literally no way I could ever do enough to fix our marriage yet I couldn’t be a”nag” so my hands were completely tied to fix anything. The only parts that my husband would be willing to do were ones that involved physical touch. So I gave up. Maybe that was a good thing. And waiting on God to fix things via my prayers just made me feel as though He couldn’t care any less about me and was giving me the silent treatment, too.
I think the movie in part landed well to many because it was the least “cheesy” of Christian movies because of having a professional actor involved. It seemed like a big improvement at the time.
I thought the movie was so cheesy even back then, and it just didn’t seem like anyone would ever really repent that way.
Oh, most definitely still incredibly cheesy, which just speaks to how bad other ones were if it seemed less so by comparison.
It’s like “new” marriage books that came out now and then over the past several decades- same old peddled junk simply rebranded with a new gimmick. In this case, an actor.
I bought that book way back when it was new. I tried to get into it, but just didn’t connect with it, To be honest I felt a bit guilty that I didn’t want to “do the challenge” after reading a bunch of them. Like maybe I was being selfish or not invested enough in my marriage. I’m so glad to have read this review. It totally re-frames why I wasn’t invested in it – I was picking up on these issues but didn’t at the time have language or a framework for articulating why it felt wrong rather than right even though it was couched in “Christian” language. Thank you! No I feel fine to go and find that book (I think it’s still on a bookshelf somewhere) and bin it.
Yes, definitely bin it!
It teaches you how to love unconditionally but I am convinced that the only one who is capable of true unconditional love is Jesus. Because if you think about it, if the person is being abusive toward you, it isn’t healthy to love unconditionally and put up with that and it is in our survival instinct to not love the people that hurt us and cross our boundaries. People tend to romanticize this idea of unconditional love but if you think about it, in practice it isn’t healthy long term especially if the person doesn’t love us the same. You can even argue a parent and child relationship isn’t completely unconditional because while you will likely put up with more from your kids than your spouse, especially when they are younger, there is such a thing as elder abuse where someone can lose their love for their children.
It isn’t wrong to have boundaries and no longer love someone if they cross them. It’s part of the survival instincts God created. People need to stop romanticizing unconditional love especially when the person doesn’t love you just as much back and treats you like they do.
Exactly! And also, you can love unconditionally and still have boundaries. It shouldn’t mean you put up with everything. But that’s what they make it mean.
> “your love should open the door”
That passage in the Song of Songs where the woman is slow to open the door to her lover is frequently used to say, “See what happens when you refuse your spouse’s sexual advances?” But that’s exactly the opposite of what it’s actually saying.
We have a sex scene in chapter 3 and 4 where *she* initiates and sets the pace and the format and he takes things slow and is highly attentive to her, and they both have a great time. Then we have the deliberately contrasting scene in chapter 5 when *he* comes clamoring for sex when she’s half-asleep and exhausted, tries to *force the lock* of her door, and by the time she even starts to be interested, he’s gone and there’s “myrrh” on everything.
This isn’t saying, “She’s suffering because she refused him.” It’s saying “Men, this is how icky and awful it is when you treat your wife as a sexual outlet.”
Totally in keeping with the fact that the only command in the book, a command repeated three times in totally hyperbolical language, is a command to women “never ever awaken love unless it desires.” I.e. never because someone else desires, or needs it, or it’s your duty; only if you yourself desire it.
Really good, Russell! I’ve got to take a closer look at that!
Oh, interesting! I’ve never really heard that “don’t awaken love till it desires” line discussed, except to more or less say “now watch out kids, don’t be having sexy feelings till you get married!” Which very much *not* what the text is actually saying! This is a reading I haven’t heard before. Is it your own or did you base it on someone else’s?
My own reading, but in response to a number of commentators and translators who talk about the “problem” that the text literally says “do not awaken love until it desires”. As you point out, this would align well with modern Christian moralism if it said “don’t until you’re married”, or something like that. The “problem” is that the text makes a vehement statement that it seems to then immediately undermine: “Daughters of Jerusalem, swear to me that you’ll never ever think about having sex…. unless you want to, in which case, sure, go ahead!”
So, my interpretation, given the context of the rest of the Song — which very much centers the woman’s voice, agency, and bodily integrity — is that it’s actually intended to be read exactly as written.
I’m sure you guys will get into this in the podcast, but… did these authors have any training or do any research? Did they have any qualifications to write this, besides being two dudes who made a movie about a guy who stops wrecking his marriage? I remember thinking the movie sounded cheesy when it came out (never saw it, no offense to anybody who liked it), but I’m surprised this book has had the legs to be a bestseller for 20 years. Why has it stuck around?
We’re not even sure who wrote it–it’s from the Kendrick brothers, but I think it’s ghost written to go along with Fireproof, to increase merch sales, honestly. Not based on anything.
The Kendrick brothers are the absolute epitome of people who do not know their limits.
They can’t act, yet they cast themselves in their movies (and the acting by MOST of the actors is just. plain. CRINGY.)
They can’t write, yet they keep popping out cheesy screenplays.
They can’t direct, yet they keep producing cheesy movies.
They know absolutely nothing about porn and abuse, yet they produce a whole movie based on healing a marriage devastated by porn and abuse.
They have no training and zero educational credit, yet they think they are qualified to write a book telling people how to fix broken marriages.
Basically, they need to figure out their lane and STAY IN IT. (Hint: they don’t have the gift of wisdom.)
Completely agree. But Christians flock to their movies anyway.
Which just goes to show us how christian culture has rotted our brains. ugh.
I think we’re often told we should celebrate / support anything Christian, because “secular” culture is so anti-family and anti-faith so we should just avoid it and seek out Christian entertainment. However, this just creates a lack of discernment and thought, and an us vs. them mentality, and this acceptance of sub-par materials just because it wears a “Christian” label. You’re right that we should be demanding better. Lots of secular movies have messages that are just as good as these (or better, because they aren’t warped by mis-directed spirituality) with much better storytelling.
If the Love Dare scored people, I would have gotten a 100%. The movie led me to believe if I just tried harder than I already was, if I just put in more effort, then my marriage could work. I lived for decades in the evangelical lie that all I needed to do was fix everything as the woman in the relationship and I could have the life I always dreamed (which, for me, was the lowest bar set- just a husband who cared about me).
So I set out to do the Love Dare and I did it entirely, perfectly, lovingly.
And now I’m divorced. But not because I didn’t try hard enough.
It’s so sad that they convinced you you were the problem and so you could be the solution! I hope you’re thriving now.
I remember watching Fireproof and hoping my husband would take the hint and read the book and actually try loving me… but of course he didn’t. 🙁 And I had already put so much into our relationship that I didn’t even want to read this book. There is a companion or similar book for wives called The Respect Dare, by Nina Roesner, I believe. I’d be curious how that scores on your rubrics.
I’ll have to take a look! I think the author herself no longer stands by it. I’m sorry about your husband!
“Says that God gave us sex in marriage as the “only way to protect our moral purity” (145).”
Ever noticed that EVIL seems to be the side most obsessed with Purity(TM)?
Absolutely!
“Do you remember the movie Fireproof? It had a book that went along with it…”
As well as other accompanying merch.
Since Star Wars, the real cash cow of a movie has been the accompanying merch.
Our church at the time did a big screen showing of Fireproof. Afterwards, we were all divided into table small groups. When I mentioned, I didn’t think that breaking your computer was really a solution for porn addiction, I got significant pushback from one of the men at our table. And he went on and on about being willing to cut off your offending right arm. I know it was just a movie, but, the movie was being presented as if it contained real strategies. And I sincerely doubt that busting up a computer (cellphone etc ) ever saved anyone from porn addiction.
I was engaged at the time of the movie and was watching it in a church type setting and towards the end i got so tired of how awful it was about relationships that i just walked out. I told my fiance the next day that if that was the kind of marriage he was wanting i was out. there was nothing in how the relationship was presented that was appealing to a woman.
thankfully he agreed that it didn’t seem great, tho i wonder now how influenced by my views he was.