In Christian marriage advice, sex is supposed to be deeply intimate–until it’s not.

Here’s what happens: Before marriage, Christians are told that sex is deeply intimate. That it bonds you together. That as you get closer and love each other more, you’re going to want to have sex.

The books and youth group advice tells you that the world sees sex as only physical–that the relationship doesn’t matter, it’s just orgasm that does. They tell you that the world depersonalizes sex, while the church sees sex as something sacred and beautiful, and that’s why it’s meant for marriage.

I actually agree with that (except that I don’t think “the world” has a uniform way of seeing sex, but that’s an argument for another time).

But here’s the problem: All of that logic goes out the window as soon as a couple gets married. 

Then what are we told? (and all of these are quotes from different books):

Once you’re married, evangelical advice changes. Sex is no longer about connection, but rather about providing “release” so that he doesn’t stray. Your emotions don’t play a role at all.

A while ago I did a stitch on Instagram and Facebook about an influencer couple telling women that they should have sex even when they don’t feel emotional connection:

I find this interesting–that before marriage, sex is seen as something that is intended to be a deeply spiritual, intimate experience, and that’s why it’s meant for marriage, but AFTER marriage we’re told that we shouldn’t even consider that intimate experience, we should provide him release anyway.

This isn’t the only way that evangelical sex advice mirrors “the world”

Christian marriage and sex advice frequently and rightly rails against pornography, but then inexplicably sees women and sex the same way porn does.

In pornography, women exist to serve men. Women exist merely as sex objects. Women aren’t seen as whole people.

But then books like Every Man’s Battle, while ostensibly trying to help men defeat lust, actually agree with pornography’s depiction of women.

Women in these books only exist either to tempt men or to provide men with sexual release. The way that men are supposed to defeat lust is to “bounce their eyes” and never look at women, which sees women entirely as sex objects too. And then they’re supposed to turn to their wives and use them like they’re methadone. 

There is absolutely no difference between how porn treats women and how Every Man’s Battle treats women. In both cases, women are only sex objects, and women exist to satisfy men’s cravings. In fact, in the book Every Heart Restored, which is supposed to be for wives of men trying to quit porn, one woman laments “I feel like a human toilet for semen.” While author Fred Stoeker admits that’s sad, his solution is for the wife to understand that this is how God made men (“men just don’t have that Christian view of sex”), and that she should have compassion for him.

(Interestingly, we weren’t even allowed to use that quote in our book The Great Sex Rescue, because our original editor thought it was just too much. Even though we were merely quoting another book!). 

Mark Driscoll, too, has called women the “home” for men’s penises. That God created women to provide the penis with a home. Josh Butler wrote that horrible book Beautiful Union explaining in detail how men’s ejaculation is holy, while never mentioning a woman’s orgasm or that she can feel pleasure too.

So is sex deeply spiritual, or do men just require women to provide “release”?

Honestly, when you look at all of this together, it does sound like “casual sex the Christian way,” doesn’t it? Put sex in marriage and it’s automatically “holy”, and then you can prioritize his orgasm while claiming that you’re doing things God’s way.

But the central mistake that all of this thinking makes is that it centers the man’s ejaculation as the thing that God wants, first and foremost, and it sees women as a means to an end rather than as a whole person.

And there is nothing holy about that. 

We cannot create a Christian sexual ethic or a Christian approach to sex when we still center the man’s orgasm above all else, and then make women adapt to it so that they can provide orgasm on demand. 

What does this have to do with Christianity? What does this have to do with having the mind of Christ, who became a servant? What does this have to do with the Golden Rule of loving your neighbour as yourself? What does this have to do with truly “knowing” someone? 

All of this only makes sense when two beliefs are simultaneously present:

1. Men’s orgasm is prioritized and men’s needs are prioritized
2. Men are assumed to be scared of true emotional connection, and so channel all needs for intimacy into sex

And thus we have now created casual sex the Christian way.

No wonder so many evangelical women struggle with libido or orgasm! No wonder so many women get married not truly understanding their own desires for sex (because we’ve never been taught we had any). No wonder so many men think they’re actually being righteous by pressuring their wives to have sex, because they’ve been taught that God created her to be a release valve for their lust. 

But there’s nothing holy or Christian about one-sided sex. There’s nothing holy or Christian about ignoring or minimizing the need for true authenticity, vulnerability, and emotional connection (the ingredients that are actually the biggest drivers of libido). There’s nothing holy or Christian about seeing women as objects. 

When authors and pastors pretend that emotional connection automatically flows from sex, and we tell people, “just have sex and you’ll feel closer,” they ignore the actual reality on the ground, where almost 1 in 5 women say their primary emotion after sex with their husband is feeling used. Sex doesn’t bring them closer; sex makes the gulf wider. 

And evangelical teachers know this when it comes to premarital sex. They talk so much about how in hook up culture women are discarded, and have their hearts broken.

But somehow they think a wedding ring changes that. 

It doesn’t.

And if casual sex is wrong before marriage, then it’s deeply harmful after marriage too.

If you’ve been caught up in this cycle, I wrote a long series of posts on this a few years ago that you may find helpful. I also highly recommend you read The Great Sex Rescue, which will be both eye-opening and valiating!