Reader Question: My Husband Isn’t Interested in Sex Anymore

by | Jan 22, 2018 | Libido, Resolving Conflict, Uncategorized | 32 comments

My Husband Isn't Interested in Sex
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What do you do when your husband is not interested in you sexually?

Last week on the blog we dealt with some pretty big marriage issues–infidelity, how to talk to your kids when you’re having problems, and more. This week I actually want to talk about some practical ways to help when you’ve got some problems (namely, how to feel intimate when you’re making love again!). Too often sex is just sex; it’s not making love. And we’re going to look at some practical ways to see sex as an intimate thing and to enjoy it!

But before we do that, I’ve got a backlog of reader questions I need to answer, and so many of them relate to the same thing: what happens when the HUSBAND has the lower sex drive?

Usually we think of the wife as being the one who doesn’t want sex as much, but I actually get more questions about the opposite scenario, when the husband has stopped wanting sex. I’ve already written quite a bit about this, but it was a few years ago, so some of you may not have seen those posts.

 

But it’s still the #1 question I get. So I’d like to share a few letters from readers, and then put it a few extra thoughts and point to the most relevant article. Here goes!

My Husband Isn't Interested in Sex! What to do when your husband has no libido. | Low Male Libido | Husband Doesn't Want Sex | Husband Has No Sex Drive

 

From Reader #1–We Have Small Kids and My Husband’s Sex Drive is Gone!

Reader Question

My husband & I celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary this Sat. We’ve been together for 16 years (high school sweethearts). We really struggled to wait till we were married. Now that we’re older & busy with kids, stressed with work it feels like we NEVER have sex. I’m kinda glad I at least got some then. I still plan to teach my kids to wait. But I wouldn’t want to wish on them our struggle. I’m always in the mood & hubby isn’t. I think he struggles with low testosterone. He was just more interested & able to be in the mood at 18, 20, etc than now at 32. 🙁

I’m sorry! That is so tough, and honestly, a great sex life is one of the best ways to handle small kids. It’s such a stress reliever! I’m sorry you don’t have that.

I’d check out the 4-part series on how to identify what the issue is and talk about it. If it is low testosterone, then please, go to a doctor with that. It’s a relatively easy fix, and so many women on this blog have said, “I can’t believe the difference! I wish we’d done this 10 years ago!” On the other hand, given his age, I’d just make sure that it’s not an issue with current porn use or porn when he was a teenager. It really does change the brain and lowers your libido for your spouse. Just ensure that’s not the case–and here’s a great post on how porn affects the brain that can help you see if this may be part of what you’re dealing with.

From Reader #2–We’ve Had a Lousy Sex Life for 25 Years, but Now I’ve Found my Libido–and My Husband’s Lost His!:

Reader Question

I have been married for 28 years and I figured I was just broken and my body wasn’t meant to have an orgasm because I’ve only experienced a couple.  After some research I discovered that isn’t the fact, so I got a bit excited to figure out what we could do to help me figure out my body.  Ironically my husband and I have switched roles.  Our children are all grown and now I am so much less stressed and have found a new interest in sex.  But my husband now is very very very very and always stressed out and bombarded with his church responsibilities.  He has expressed to me that he just has so much on his mind that he just doesn’t think about it or me.  With all of that his libido has dropped and he did tell me he is worried that he won’t be able to perform. I try to talk to him about things but it usually does not go over well. So I have tried to just back off and leave him alone.  We do have a good relationship and spend time cuddling and doing things together.  I guess I am just wanting to have more sex than him and I need to learn to be ok with that. Sometimes it isn’t even the sex, I would just like him to flirt with me and make me feel like I desires me. Is there anything that can help the libido of men at middle age where there levels drop? How can I talk to him without making him feel bad? I think I have pretty much told myself something stressful will come up every night, so just don’t expect anything.  Boy do I feel selfish.  Instead I know I should be helping him and thinking of his needs.  That is part of my problem–I am self focused.

Okay, a few quick things. First, I think your husband may just have some real disappointment around sex that he’s just squashed in order to love you and keep your marriage strong. To go 28 years with a wife who never seemed to enjoy sex can be so demoralizing for a man. He may feel like he’s not a good lover. And he likely felt guilty for wanting sex. So over the years he probably decreased his sex drive just so that he could love you (as you’re trying to do now!).

I’d talk to him about wanting to do things differently now. Apologize for the past, and say that now that you’re empty nesters, you have your whole future ahead of you. So let’s just start again. Even work through the 31 Days to Great Sex, which can help you start from scratch and take the pressure off.

But I also want to say this: It isn’t selfish to want a good sex life. It isn’t you being self-focused. You do not need to feel ashamed of this.

God made you to be truly intimate in every way–physically, spiritually, and emotionally. When we connect sexually, we solidify the other areas of our lives. And we get in touch with our passionate side, which is also the side of us that is most intimate with God. When we don’t open ourselves up sexually, we often wall off God, too.

And I would continue to phrase it that way. If your husband is so stressed at church that it is making your marriage difficult, maybe you really need to reassess that church involvement. Maybe he needs to step away. It sounds like he could be under attack, and now your marriage is under attack, and that’s not good. So keep talking to him. Keep talking about where you want your relationship to be in 5 years. Are you heading in that direction? This stuff does matter, and you’re not being selfish!

 

Reader #3–Sex Makes My Husband Anxious and Nervous

Reader Question

I’ve been married 8 years to man I love, but our sex life is in tatters. We were both virgins when we married and the honeymoon was about the
only time our sex life was decent. Due to many different stresses, our first few years of marriage were rocky. I have the higher libido and found husband’s withholding attitude extremely hurtful, and as you can imagine this led to YEARS of fights all about sex. I’m thankful to say that we came through the other side and our marriage is doing better, but our sex life is still awful. Husband says he has “negative associations” to sex now, that the idea makes him too “anxious” and “nervous”. When we do have sex, we have an enjoyable time, everything ‘works’ just fine. But Husband will NOT initiate and will literally let months go by without once proposing intimate time with me. (Porn is not an issue, nor even is libido, even though it’s on the normal/low scale) He says that he doesn’t want to be withholding, but the stress associated with sex is keeping him from me, and I have no idea what to do. I feel like our marriage is going to fall apart again – and while I don’t know how much rejection I can take, I feel like I’m coming to tail end of it, and I’m going to really start becoming bitter to my husband for making me live this way. Please, please help.

I’m so sorry! I’m glad you’ve figured out what ISN’T the problem–porn and testosterone. Good. That means that we can zero in on a few things.

There are two issues here: the initial reason why he wasn’t that interested in sex, and then the stress in your relationship now because you guys had such tension around it.

I still think you need to delve down into the initial reason. I’m wondering about some emotional or psychological issues. Some men are very passive, and have a hard time sexually because they’re running away from themselves. Given that he is now so anxious and nervous, I wonder if that may be a factor. Talking to a counselor may be a very good idea for him.

But then there’s the way that you relate now. I think if you could talk about restarting your sex life and going back to the beginning and trying to do it differently, that may work well. Agreeing with him that you have a lot of baggage, and you want to start just exploring with no expectations. I’d suggest a three fold approach:

  • Try scheduling sex to take the pressure off of “do we have to tonight?”
  • Try working through the 31 Days to Great Sex

But still–encourage him to see a counsellor!

Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?

31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

From Reader #4–I’m Living in a Total Sexless Marriage!

Reader Question

You’ve written about when hubs wants more in the bedroom than she does, you’ve even written about when his libido takes a nose dive, even about when he wants something gross in the bedroom. How about when he wants nothing in the bedroom? It’s been a decade. I’ve tried everything you’ve suggested – education, prayer, ruling out medical reasons, ruling out psychological reasons, etc. His T is low, and he does have a few issues, but since he doesn’t see a problem with our lack of intimacy, he doesn’t see anything that needs treatment. Or change.He understands that I have a problem, but since he doesn’t, he honestly believes that WE don’t have a problem. It’s not a marriage issue in his eyes, just my problem. How do I learn to love a sexless relationship?

I honestly don’t know. I’m not sure we’re supposed to live with a totally sexless marriage. Marriage is supposed to involve intimacy; if he’s running from that, he’s hiding from you, from God, and from himself. He’s not just hurting you; he’s hurting himself, too. And that’s why I don’t think it’s the loving thing to do to just let this go on. It needs to be confronted.

Read my posts about living in sexless marriages and how not to be an enabler. And I will say a prayer for you, because this is so, so tough.

Whew. Okay, that was another tough day on the blog.

But the rest of the week should be easier! Yes, we may be dealing with some people with difficult sexual issues, but we’ll be pointing to some real solutions, and I’m hoping it will feel more hopeful!

For now, let me know: how big a problem do you think sexless marriages are in your experience? What’s the best way to handle them? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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32 Comments

  1. sunny-dee

    We hit clinically sexless last year — I quit counting on a calendar (for the first time in our marriage) but I can only recall 7 times last year. We weren’t having enough sex to get pregnant, and when I started fertility treatments, it’s like my husband got a get out of jail free card and it totally nosedived.

    There’s … actually nothing I can do about it. Talking doesn’t work (snort there), getting to the bottom of it doesn’t work when someone just shrugs and swears “it’s not you,” and there has literally never been a single time, ever, when your husband responded to a sexual advance or seemed interested in sex. (With me. I should emphasize — he has tons of interest in sex with other women.)

    Sometimes you just have to accept that you are in the situation you’re in. I could probably try to blow up the situation by demanding counseling or a divorce, but I don’t know what that would actually buy me. You can’t get blood from a turnip, and my husband has never (not even on our honeymoon) had any sexual interest in me. You can’t create feelings out of nothing. He has told me countless times that he can’t just “force” himself to have sex, that he doesn’t have “those feelings” for me, that he doesn’t enjoy sex with me because it’s boring (but also we can’t do anything but missionary for … reasons). There are only so many times a person can literally and metaphorically say “I don’t want to have sex with you,” before you kind of accept that as the truth.

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Oh, Sunny-Dee, I’m so sorry. Does he actually HAVE sex with other women? Like is he having affairs while also never having sex with you? That’s truly terrible.

      But even if he’s not, even if it’s porn or something else, I really am sorry. That’s so wrong.

      I guess it comes down to a choice you make: Are you willing to stay with him, with things staying exactly the same way (and potentially not having children), or do you want to make it an issue and ultimately risk your marriage? I can’t answer that for you, but I do think that withholding sex is very serious, and the fact that he married you with no interest in sex with you speaks to some serious issues on his part that likely do need counseling. That’s so tragic that he can’t see that and won’t work on it. I’m sorry.

      Reply
      • sunny-dee

        Oh, no, to my knowledge, he hasn’t had an affair. He was super promiscuous before we met, and I found out he was using porn a couple of years ago. (I hit the roof for that one, and I’m pretty certain he’s stopped.) Once, early on in the marriage, he admitted that when he was single, he was all about the chase, and he’s afraid that he’s going to fall into that pattern again.

        Reply
        • Sheila Gregoire

          Sunny-Dee, I really wonder if porn could be the problem. He obviously does have a sex drive. And it’s super, super common for people who use porn to just not be attracted to their mate in real life (and he said he never was interested in sex with you). That’s the porn changing his brain.

          Good for you for hitting the roof!

          But even if he’s not using it anymore, it’s likely changed his brain, and he needs to relearn what intimacy is. Can you go to a counsellor and talk about it? People can recover from it, but they have to first understand what they’ve done.

          Reply
          • sunny-dee

            I hit the roof because he had told me in the past he wasn’t interested in porn or masturbation, so he flat out lied. And we were trying to conceive at the time, so I am literally begging for sex, even a quickie, and he’s doing it maybe once a month and then I find out he’s checking out porn and MB’ing twice a week (which is what he confessed to, so I’m guessing more like daily). While I am in the house. I just couldn’t hold back right then.

            He said it was for variety (which is also laughable, since he’s 100% in control of what we do and won’t try anything else) and for how easy it was. He pretty much hit all of the right notes for porn scrambling his brain for partnered sex.

            He also has a drinking problem (something else he actively hid from me while we were dating and several months into our marriage), and that is serious enough that it needs to be handled first, I think, before we could even begin to tackle other issues. He’s had a couple of extended periods of sobriety, but he straight up refuses individual counseling, talking to our pastor, or AA. He’s made a ton of progress there, and I don’t want to discount that.

            With the porn, though, which I found out about 2 years ago, I realized — I don’t think there is a foundation there to build on with marriage counseling. I mean, there is a presumption with counseling that there is at least some romantic love, right, or was at some time? I don’t think he ever felt that way about me, and I don’t see how he could force it now. I think he married me because he needed me and he was scared of the (bad) direction his life was going and I was a safe place to be. But, looking back, I don’t think he was ever in love with me.

            As for kids … oh, that’s a rollercoaster. I am 37. I realized a lot of this crap at 35. The odds of me getting a divorce and then getting remarried and having kids at my age is nil. (Assuming I felt good about divorce in this case, which I don’t.) So I can stay in this marriage — which is what I feel is the right thing to do — but I’ll never be able to have kids naturally. I debated for a long time (while we were laughably “trying” and he kept insisting once-to-twice a month sex was TOO MUCH effort to have a baby), and finally decided that I do want kids. So I tried IUIs (which failed) and finally IVF. It is not an easy decision, but my options were to be barren “naturally” or have kids with, um, science.

            My husband is not violent or angry or bad or anything like that. (I have a handful of boundaries, and he’s never come close to crossing them.) We don’t have a romantic marriage, but we have a stable relationship and a peaceful home. I already have a stepson, so the choice was whether *I* would have children, not whether we would have children more generally. And I decided to do it (after also determining that I’m emotionally and financially able to support a family on my own, should I ever need to).

            I’ve actually caught a lot of flak for that decision, but I’m in a situation where I don’t have any perfect options. I thought trying for kids would at least give me another outlet to express love and to build up something.

  2. Johanna Galyen

    Sheila,
    Our marriage suffered for years. Like a yo-yo. Up and down. Good and bad. My husband never knew if I would ever want sex again. We tried ‘talking’ about it, but usually, those talks just ended in nasty arguments. We went to a 4-week group marriage counseling course…didn’t change anything.

    On the outside, everything looked fine. We really enjoyed being with each other in every avenue of life…except consistent sex.

    What finally made a difference was realizing that I was hitting brick walls everywhere I turned and I was done with hurting my marriage. I was desperate for help. And finally, then, it still took months of one-on-one in-depth coaching. Until a husband or wife comes to that point of desperation and seeking help, nothing will change. All the help classes, 10 step programs, or finding facebook groups for advice…will accomplish nothing.

    A life that is running away from God and filled with hurts & pains & buried skeletons in the closet will not be fulfilled sexually. Only by seeking those out, working through and releasing them, and finding forgiveness will a marriage find true change and the love can be restored.

    It won’t be easy digging through all that muck…but I can personally say it has been SO worth it in my marriage. ~ Johanna

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      That’s so true, Johanna! And I think that when people keep hitting brick walls sexually, it often IS because they’re running away from God. We need to deal with those things. We really do. Thanks for sharing your story!

      Reply
  3. OurSpice

    Long-term relationships often dim the passion of those early days as the daily tasks of life settle in. Kids, work, finances…..exhaustion. Love generally remains, but too often the spark cools and sometimes even resentment and longing set in. It’s more common than most realize, whether it is the man or the woman in the relationship, but it doesn’t have to doom the relationship. Love is there and often both partners, quietly and privately, wish there was a change, but it’s hard to spark that change, especially from within the natural tensions of that partnership. Often, it helps to have an outside influence guiding the relationship. Sheila’s post contains great info and resources covering several different situations, but ultimately that change can only come if you both have the courage to act upon it.

    Reply
  4. Natalie L.

    What about when your husband is ill? My husband used to have the higher sex-drive, but with fibromyalgia and depression consistently getting worse, things have stopped. It’s been several months since we’ve done anything, partly because I was pregnant, but his pain level was getting so bad that when he would get going, his back would start screaming at him; or he would have the desire, but didn’t have enough stamina to finish and that was a huge blow for him as well. Our baby is now 7 weeks, and with each of our older children he had always wanted to get back to it as soon as I felt like it, and we still made time for some sort of intimacy even before I was done bleeding. This time there has been nothing. It wouldn’t be so bad if he was at least affectionate, but he’s been so tired, and in so much pain that there just doesn’t seem to be any energy there. He has mentioned that he does still notice me, but he doesn’t do anything about it. I have tried being more affectionate to him, and he always appreciates it, but hardly ever reciprocates. He did finally start PT, but I have no idea if that will help this problem.

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Oh, that’s so tough, Natalie. I’m glad he’s at physiotherapy, and I’d just encourage him to deal with the pain. Fibromyalgia is very debilitating. I have a friend dealing with it, though, and she took up swimming (even became an Aquafit instructor in her 50s!). But she just found that unless she worked out everyday, it was absolutely terrible.

      Reply
    • Ana M.

      Hey Natalie,

      I completely understand what you mean. My husband has fibromyalgia and bipolar (and thyroid, RA, OA, migraines, high blood pressure, etc.) as well. When we got married 9 years ago he was not that sick and most medicine had him under control which meant we would have sex at least once a week ( if it were up to me, it would be more but oh well.) When you Take into consideration that i am 16 years younger than him (im 31 hes 46 now) it makes sense that i have a stronger sex drive but i feel like i dont know him anymore. He is always in pain and sleeping during the day because the only pain meds that seem to work knock him out. I know he loves me and wants to be with me but he physically cannot handle more pain or when he can, there is no way he can enjoy being with me because of his fibro brain fog. Some months are better than others but during winter even going on date night is impossible

      Reply
    • Justin

      Thank you Sheila for writing this blog n all the ones u take time to do. We appreciate your hardwork unto the Lord n to us. U have been a blessing truly. Even to currently single male believers like me. I have learned a whole lot n it has created a great desire to have holy, hot, God intended sex for my marriage. With a honest heart. I thank you. God bless you

      Reply
  5. Nancy

    I’ve written in numerous times about my lack of sex-drive husband. I’ve tried talking, understanding his love language, biting my tongue when I completely disagree with him(to let him lead), but nothing has worked. When he does decide to have sex with me, I almost feel like a charity case. I didn’t wait until I was married to have sex and as bad as this sounds, I’m glad I didn’t. At least I had a time when a man really seemed to want to be with me. He didn’t wait either so I don’t think he has some buried anxiety of my past lover. I realize though that leaving because of lack of sex would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face. Having MS, I can’t support myself and I wouldn’t want to separate the family due to sex. Sounds a little selfish to me, so I sit and hope.

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Oh, Nancy, I’m sorry. Honestly, I read all these comments from women whose husbands aren’t interested, and I just wish I could shake your husbands for you! What a terrible waste.

      I know that God can teach us such deep things about patience and relying on him during these difficult times, and about unconditional love, but I also know that God’s best is for your husband to want intimacy, not to run from it. And if you can keep talking to him like that about it, I just wouldn’t give up, because he’s hurting himself. Also, it sounds like you’ve been super nice. Have you tried being firm instead? Sometimes people need to understand how much they’re hurting the relationship–and themselves.

      Reply
  6. LookingUp

    Hi Sheila,
    Well, I though I’d add my two cents in as maybe others will read it and find encouragement. I was married at 22 to a very good man who was 35. We both had waited for sex.I had been engaged before and knew what it felt like to be wanted. My hubby and I had a FAST dating experience, married 8 months after our first date. I knew I was a passionate young woman and was so excited to be the “best” wife ever!! I thought I’d be any man’s dream! I was outgoing, religious, had no sexual hangups, was fun, fit and stylish, a budding cook, hey, what could a man not want?? Right?? No….We got married, argued on the way out of the reception,got our hotel after a lot of bad turns, had non-heart-racing, boring quick sex (didn’t even know that existed!), and little did I know that was a preview of life to come. Now, I don’t say this to discourage women from still waiting for marriage. BUT we ignored warning signs. He just didn’t seem to be struggling to keep his hands off me while dating like other men had, he was more passive, more introverted, and when I told our priest before marriage that I was concerned we’d be physically incompatible, he laughed and said my fiance was being a gentleman and would wait to express that after…hmmm….he should have at least been struggling right? Ok, I’ll cut to the chase, 10 years of marriage, I don’t remember but once maybe his initiating, we have children, honeymoon was a nightmare, I cried in my lingerie while he snored. I had a different lingerie set for every day back then! He would tease me and say I was a nymphalmanic….not nice. I wasn’t. Just a naive innocent girl who wanted a loving marriage. So where’s the looking up part??
    Well, I’ve read your blog for years, the posts for these problems never helped much in all honesty as it’s definitely not porn related, we’ve had testosterone checked, it’s fine. It doesn’t matter whether he’s in shape or out of shape, or whether I’m pregnant or not. Last year we had a record low, 7 or 8 times the WHOLE YEAR. I never would have thought that could happen to me. Wow. He says he likes it when I initiate but it just doesn’t cross his mind. He doesn’t think of it ….says our needs are different. In the beginning years I felt broken, cheated, dead from it. Now, I am being more practical and assertive about it. I’m almost 33, I’m no longer craving it daily as I’m tired with kids, but I make the effort….and last week, we had it three times over about 8 days!!!! Wow!!! How did that happen? That’s my point I guess, my hubby is a good man, hard worker, good father, but doesn’t need sex. I need a good amount of it to stay affirmed in our relationship, after 10 years he’s starting to realize the true importance of it and he is really making an effort to be more mentally and emotionally available to me in the evenings. I actually shocked us both the other week and encouraged a quickie in the middle of the afternoon!! Hmmmm that’s been years!! But the point is, as unromantic or unsexy as it sounds, the movies are just not real, and it takes work for many of us. And hey, thank God my hubby is married to a higher drive spouse, if he were married to someone like him they’d be celibate!! Lol!!
    Anyway, hope some of that helps! I swear I could wrote a book. Ladies, be of good heart, keep encouraging and oh, one last thing, I was so insulted that lingerie didn’t “do anything” in our early years, that I put it away and stopped wearing it….Last week, I resurrected some nervously and it was like he had never seen it before and he actually loved it. I said I used to wear it all the time. And he said “I must have been blind.” Oh yes babe, you were blind. So my point Shiela, is, exxing out porn, health, etc….let’s pray and work and have faith. God has healed the blind before! My marriage is FAR from perfect but I have hope.

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Oh, thank you so much for sharing that! That’s likely going to encourage a lot of women. That’s wonderful!

      And I totally agree with you about lingerie. 🙂

      Reply
    • Hopeful

      This was encouraging to me. I also was so confused on our honeymoon when my new husband seemed to have little interest in me! I kept waiting for the whole “newlywed stage” to happen and it never did. Lingerie means little to him still. Sex has been the one ongoing marriage issue that we have had. Sometimes I feel like it was all a waste, my whole twenties were spent begging for and waiting for my husband to show an interest in me.
      Ultimately I found out porn was an issue for my husband, he has been three years free of it now. The hard thing right now is that after marriage counselling , my husband has rededicated his life to Christ and is a completely different man than he was six months ago. he is loving and kind to me and affectionate, but still has little sex drive and some ED and it’s just heart breaking that as good as everything else is right now , that we just can’t get that part of our marriage right. He is seeing a specialist and I think he has probably always struggled with low testosterone. it’s harder for him to see that it’s such a big issue , for myself, I just long to be desired by my husband. I’m so thankful for how far our marriage has come , but this is definitely an area we are still struggling with a lot!

      Reply
    • Kate

      Wow! This made my day. I’m married for only 2.5 years and now have a 3 month old. When dating we had so much chemistry we had to stop being alone in my house for dates or just to watch a movie. I was sure we wouldn’t have any issues with sex. I waited until marriage (at 30 years old) he had previous relationships before converting to christiansm. But as soon as we got married, I’m talking the first night, he was rude and said he was tired so we didn’t have sex that night. Fast forward to our honeymoon and we didn’t do it until the third day. I’ll say it was ok because I enjoyed it even though it was my first time. But even in the honeymoon we didn’t do it every day and our honeymoon was 9 days. Then when we got home I always tried to make things romantic at home but he would just make excuses that he was tired, or that I would want sex at night and he liked it during the day? Mind you, we never had sex during the day at all. Point is he has never ever initiated sex since we got married. I have counted and in the two and a half years we have been together we haven’t had sex more than 6 to 8 days in a whole year. Last year was only twice, when we conceived and then once in early pregnancy I think I was 4 months. Now after the baby is 3.5 months I’m trying to schedule some alone time for us but he keeps making excuses that baby is too young and he doesn’t want anyone to baby sit. Point is I’m about to give up. At first it was bad I thought I was crazy for wanting sex at least one a month ( if it was for me it would be at least once a week if not twice) but he never wants sex. He did admit to have a problem with masturbation before but he has been free from that for a year and a half. He is also overweight so I don’t know if that’s affecting him. But I’m just tired and about to give up. I tried talking to him but it’s always back to excuses and he never tries. Your post is giving me some hope but I don’t know what to to. I feel like I should run while I’m still young. I feel like I wasted my youth and beat years saving myself for marriage to get this. 😭

      Reply
  7. Anonymous

    Sometimes men cannot take T. Many doctors are now “seeing” that men even if they are low, taking T can have serious consequences …………….bringing about cancer(like prostate), etc. Some doctors will not write prescriptions for it. I guess it’s like estrogen for women with breast cancer. They cannot take it, especially if their cancer was hormone- related.

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Yes, that’s true. I wonder if there are any herbal supplements that can help? I’m doing a post today on supplements for women; I wonder if there are more natural ones for men?

      Reply
      • Dean

        Pumpkin seed oil and hoary willowherb are very good for the health of the prostate, and more healthy prostate can often lead to better performance in bed.

        Reply
      • Melissa

        My husband has found that ginseng helps with blood flow and energy levels, if you know what I mean. It’s not for everyone, especially if you have caffeine sensitivity already as it can make your heart race but my husband feels the effects of one pill for at least two days. It has enhanced our already wonderful sex life. He feels like he is 20 years younger in that area.

        Reply
        • Hopeful

          My husband has been using a supplement called “sex essentials “ by preferred nutrition. It contains ginseng among other things. He is also taking a zinc supplement and a high dose of vitamin d. I think it might be starting to help a little bit. He has been very hesitant to use a testosterone supplement, we are currently waiting for a follow up with his endocrinologist.

          Reply
          • Sheila Gregoire

            Great thoughts! I think that’s true–lots of herbal things can help beyond testosterone, or at least they can trigger hte body to produce more of the hormone naturally.

        • Sheila Gregoire

          Wonderful advice, Melissa! I’ve heard that too.

          Reply
  8. Doug

    Sadly, church leaders are largely silent on these cases of wife abuse, which is what many of these stories amount to. Unbelievable. Forget the counselors, these things should be called out from the pulpit. A man does not need libido to love his wife and be intimate with her. He does not even need a penis when you get down to it. Flat out, these husbands are not exercising love. Thank God for TLHV and others who are willing to advocate for sex in marriage!

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Thank you, Doug! The church is very quick to condemn affairs or pornography, but does virtually nothing about sexless marriages. We must get better at this.

      Reply
    • OKRickety

      Sadly, church leaders are also largely silent in those cases of husband abuse, where wives with lower sex drive than their husbands limit the frequency of sex. Just reverse the sexes in the rest of Doug’s comment to apply it to this situation. It’s arguably the more important scenario because, unless I’m greatly mistaken, it is quite a bit more common for husbands to have a higher sex drive than their wives.

      Reply
  9. Michele

    I found out my husband had an affair a year and a half ago. I left but came back after 8 months. I’m still very much in love with him and he loved me, he was sorry and felt nothing for her. Well I went through his phone and found out they were saying the loved eachother. Ever since the affair he hasn’t been interested in me at all sexually. If I get undressed he doesn’t even look at me! He will make up excuses and everything to avoid it. I’m totally heartbroken he says he loves and wants me. I don’t think he loves me anymore and is probably in love with her. I’ve tried everything to try and get his attention back too.
    Please help!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Hi Michele,

      I’m so sorry. That is so heartbreaking! I hate when people throw their lives away on something so silly as an affair. How devastating.

      The problem is that you can’t change his feelings. What you can do is become sure of yourself and confident in yourself that you won’t tolerate being discarded like that. A great book for people in your situation who want to save their marriages after an affair is Love Must Be Tough. It shows you how to draw good boundaries, but also how to figure out who YOU are so that even if he doesn’t change, you emerge stronger. I hope that helps!

      Reply
    • Kathy

      That might b my husbands problem we had sex every night for 25 yrs now nothing once a month but I just found out I have copd don’t know if that has something to do with it or if there’s someone else just don’t know gained 25 pounds due to my Steroids anyway just don’t know what the problem is

      Reply
  10. Agape, Philos, and Eros

    I have a wife who would like me to enjoy sex more, and I’m having hormone, fatigue, and nerve damage issues that relate to SLE (Lupus).

    I’ve tried talking with doctors–it’s an ongoing thing with autoimmune, and I’m told by most major medical journals that I’m actually ahead of the curve for finding out about my condition (I have a likely diagnosis at 3 years rather than the average 6.6 years).

    The pain of it all is that I went from a very high libido when my wife and I were dating (we used to talk about what our sex life ought to be once we were married), to having almost no libido and being in such pain during sex that I often want to throw up.

    I’ve offered to just help satisfy her needs, and even she would say I’m nuturing by nature, but unless I’m hitting a rare moment of drive/passion–she just doesn’t feel it’s enough to just have sex, and I don’t know how to fix that.

    We’re starting therapy again, and this time a Christian therapist (who thinks we should try what older adults do and find intamicy outside of sex, at least till I’ve figured what to do about my health). I’m even going to try and see a psychologist who specializes in sex, and have appointments with an endocrinologist (ongoing) and a rheumatologist.

    I’ve seen dozens of doctors for my health over the last three years, and our sex life is a major issue–I’m feeling like I’m battling this and battling accusations by my wife, and it makes this whole thing even more lonely.

    Any ideas on how to solve this issue, and soon–outside of what I’m currently doing–would be great.

    Reply

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