Reader Questions: Am I a Lesbian, Why Do I Hate Sex, and More!

by | Dec 17, 2018 | Sex, Uncategorized | 13 comments

Reader Questions about Sex for Sheila
Merchandise is Here!

Am I a lesbian? Is oral sex really okay? How do I trust my husband again?

On Mondays I like to run reader questions and take a stab at answering them, but it’s the end of the year pretty much and I have such a huge backlog that I thought I’d try to tackle 5 of them today, linking to some other posts I’ve written to help answer them. So here goes!

1. Why Do I Like Lesbian Porn?

Reader Question

I’m 18 years old, and unfortunately I got into watching porn. One had a clip of two women kissing. I immediately turned it off but the image seemed to stick in my mind. I often day dream about kissing my future husband and making love, but then recently these random women began showing up with us or he suddenly looked like one. Do I actually like girls as well as men? Before all this I only ever thought about men, and it’s freaking me out.

.I hear your confusion! I can’t tell you what your sexuality actually is, but I can tell you this: If beforehand you only ever were attracted to men, then it’s very likely that you’re still just attracted to men. Studies have shown that the majority of heterosexual women do get aroused by lesbian porn. It’s just a fact. So I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions there.
The important thing is that you fight the urge to watch porn, because that’s the root of your current problem, and it can cause all kinds of other problems. Porn rewires the brain so that what becomes arousing is an image/fantasy/scenario rather than a relationship, and it can make it very difficult to get aroused just be a person, without having to fantasize about something you’ve seen. It makes sex impersonal, rather than about truly making love.
So I’d say this:
Figure out when you’re tempted to watch porn, and then address those triggers
Is it when you’re bored? Alone? Stressed? Up late at night? If it’s late at night, then always charge your computer/phone/iPad in the kitchen at night, rather than taking them into your bedroom. If it’s because you’re bored, have a list of things to do if you find yourself bored. If it’s because you’re alone a lot, make plans to go out with friends more often.
When thoughts enter your head, turn those thoughts to something else
If images from porn enter your head, decide to think about something else. It’s possible to reject those images and focus your mind somewhere healthy.
If you are trying to fight a porn problem, don’t do it alone.

By signing up for covenant eyes and using its web browser, you gain access to a variety of content filtering options, along with screen  reports that you can have automatically sent to someone else so they can help keep you accountable

2. My Husband Sex “Video Chats” with Other Women

Reader Question

Our problem is sexting, chatting and videos. After our daughter was stillborn (10 yrs ago) his coping mechanism was sexual chats. These eventually led to pics and videos with women (I found out 5 yrs ago). They are always different women, ones he “hooks up with” on dating sites or Craigslist and then hangs out with in Google chat. He says he has never had a physical or emotional affair…..it is always about control and release. He hates what he is doing and tries to fight but I don’t know that I can keep dealing with his habit and lies. (As an aside….I never want to have sex, both bc my hormones are screwed up and I don’t trust him, but I am willing to have it, but he doesn’t want me to be willing, he wants me to want it, and I can’t convincingly lie that I do want it, so we don’t have sex much). We both feel helpless on how to fight this….any suggestions you can give?

Okay, no wonder you don’t want sex if he’s busy sexting with other women! Seriously. Stop blaming yourself. And don’t let him blame you either. It is totally natural to not want sex with someone you can’t trust.
The issue here is that your husband has broken trust with you, and he has made no effort to show you that he is going to rebuild the marriage. You say he tries to fight, but it doesn’t sound like he’s very successful. So I would do these things:
See a counsellor together, preferably one who is Christian who understands the need for trust in a relationship
Go to counselling together to figure out why he does this when he’s stressed (it sounds like it was triggered by stress and grief, but this is not a normal or healthy response to stress or grief). And then figure out a game plan so that he stops.
Start spending time together to rebuild your friendship
Friendship is really the key to trust. When you feel as if you care about each other, it’s easier to trust one another. So find some hobbies to do together. Pick a date night once a week or once every other week where you do something fun (even if it’s an at-home date night). Play board games together. Do a daily check-in where you talk about your day.
Decide what you will and will not tolerate
What will you do if you catch him again? Are there any consequences for breaking trust? It’s important to think through this and decide what it is you will tolerate in your relationship.
Until you’ve done all these things, don’t worry about your sex life. In fact, I think it’s perfectly legitimate to say that you’re going to take a moratorium on sex for a few months until you get a plan in place so that you know that he is getting mentally and spiritually healthy and won’t do this again, and you are rebuilding trust.

3. I’m a Newlywed and I Hate Sex

Reader Question

I’ve been married for 3 months now. I have been wildly surprised and disappointed to discover how much I hate sex. My friends who are married said it wasn’t fun at first, but none of them have had difficulties this long. In your course you mention just enjoying the ride without worrying about the climax, but what do you suggest when there is no part of it that’s enjoyable, and it is generally uncomfortable? I find myself often literally gritting my teeth to get through. By the time we’re finished I’m frustrated and bitter, and feel more alienated from my husband instead of closer.

I’m so sorry! That does sound awful. I’m not sure what you mean by feeling uncomfortable, though. If it’s that it physically hurts, it could be that you have vaginismus. I remember gritting my teeth to get through, and I did have vaginismus, which is a condition where the muscles in your vagina tense up, making sex extremely painful (gritting your teeth makes that worse, by the way!).
If it’s not actual pain, then I’d suggest stopping what you’re doing right now and back up that truck a bit. Sex is supposed to be mutual, and women’s sexual pleasure matters, and if you get used to having sex when it’s only for him, you’ll end up resentful, and it won’t be a good dynamic.
So stop altogether and go back to basics. You need to figure out what you like and what you enjoy having touched, without intercourse. I’d start with The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, my book to help you learn how to make sex great. The first few exercises are really only about talking through your feelings, and then they’re about touching each other and they grow slowly from there before it gets racier. But going back to those exercises where all you’re doing is touching and discovering what feels good is likely the first step! I hope that helps.

4. I Had Sex Before Marriage. Am I Tainted?

Reader Question

I am a woman who has known Jesus my whole life and was baptized early. Unfortunately I made a mistake by choosing a boyfriend that didn’t have the Christian values he pretended to have. He ended up touching me quite a lot under the belt line. I broke up with him – but the scars that he had given me by heavy petting and that i suddenly had been touched a place where only my husband was supposed to touch me were with me. I brought that in to my next relationship because I had pictures of what my ex and I did in my head – because i still felt ashamed, so I needed to get those pictures out from my head and I did that by sinning with my then currently boyfriend. Now I’m engaged and I’m very sad to say that I have had sex before marriage–and i feel so impure and in a way I was so sad because I felt like i betrayed God . We have been fighting as a couple with letting go of the sexual part because we of course long for each other. But I feel like I’m such a bad christian because i wasn’t strong enough to keep myself away from the temptation. I also read in the bible that God punishes sexual sin – is that true? and have Jesus not taken that punishment away from us?

First, congratulations on finding a man who loves God! That’s great.
Now, you’ve done something that you regret with him, and you’re right–you should stop having sex until after the wedding. When we have sex before we’re married, we often confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. One of the reasons that God wants us to wait until marriage for sex is so that we can truly get to know each other and have those close conversations, and having sex makes you feel close when you might otherwise not be. It also can change the way we see sex, and it does often affect your sex life later.
At the same time, sexual sin is not a worse sin than other sins. God does not punish it more. He does not get angrier with you over sexual sin than He does other sin. We treat it that way, but we shouldn’t. The difference is that sexual sin affects us more than other sins, and that’s why it’s trickier. But no, God is not angrier at you now than about other sins, and we need to stop thinking that.
I would say this: If you’ve struggled to do what you want to do, and what you know God wants you to do, then I’d also recommend that you make sure that you’re in a really good Christian community where you can grow in relationship with God. By that I mean make sure you’re in a strong Christian community, like I talked about last week, where it’s about authenticity and humility, not just about following rules. A church that talks all the time about rules but has no way for people to be real with each other is not a church that will help you get to know Jesus and lean on Him.
Here are some posts that can help you:

5. We Find Oral Sex Weird Now that We’re Parents

Reader Question

We used to be more open and willing to try things in the bedroom but after we brought our wonderful son into this world, oral sex made us uncomfortable because he sometimes eats and drinks after us & gives us kisses. We both have admitted we miss it sometimes, but can’t help but feel like it’s dirty.

Great question! Okay, oral sex can transmit some diseases. For example, if someone has herpes, and has cold sores, and they then perform oral sex, it can spread genital herpes. Similarly, if they have genital herpes, and you perform oral sex, you can then get herpes, including cold sores, and can transmit that to your child.

The problem here, though, is not oral sex per se but the herpes virus. So make sure no one has an STD.

Beyond that, I’d just say that mouthwash covers a whole lot, and I really don’t think you need to worry about things like that. Your child is far more likely to pick up germs from putting random toys that have been on the floor into his mouth than by eating your food. Or if you’re worried about germs, your child is far more likely to catch a cold virus from kissing you than he is to catch anything else.

It sounds like the issue is far less about germ transmission and far more about feeling as if you can’t be both a super hot wife and a good mom at the same time (How can my mouth do THAT if my baby might touch my mouth?). Read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, if you haven’t done so yet, because it helps you see that sex was something that God designed for us. It’s not dirty. It’s a beautiful part of marriage, and it’s important to your child’s well-being that you and your husband have a great sex life! So don’t hold back just because now your parents.

By the way, none of this is to say that you MUST have oral sex–just that staying away from it because now you’re parents when you enjoyed it before could be a sign of something far more problematic with the way you see sex. Let’s get back to the heart of the issue: sex is not dirty, but it can really be both hot and holy!

Whew. That’s a whole bunch of questions! I’m glad I could clear at least a little of the backlog.

What do you think? Any more words of wisdom for these 5 women? Leave it in the comments!

5 Reader Questions about Sex for a Christian Sex Blogger

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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13 Comments

  1. Curious

    I can relate to the first question. I am recently coming out from a porn addiction and while things are much better now the temptation is there every now and then. I too struggled with my sexuality because of porn and still do at times. I fell into transsexual porn and it messed up my head. I started to question if I was straight and it scared me. What if I was gay? But I couldn’t see myself with a man just he thought repulsed me. But why am I drawn to these men who look exactly like women? It was so confusing and at times still is but the more I have stayed away from porn(6 months now so pretty early) the more I realize that I am not attracted to men or transsexuals. Porn creates these awful desires and the more I turn towards my wife the more I realize I want her and only desire her. But it is easy to be tricked j to it. In one way I guess I am happy it got to the point that I watched those things because if not I don’t think I would have realized what was happening. I knew poner was wrong but it wasn’t until I crossed a line I never thought I would that I really realized that I can’t go on like this anymore. I started o be scared that I would eventually cross other lines that woule be illegal if I continued to watch porn. And who knows. I never thought I would be tempted by this kind of porn but there I was. Thankfully I am walking on the path of freedome even if it’s still a fight.
    I just wanted to add that one thing I think many Christians miss when it comes to beating porn addiction is therapy. I tried and tried and confessed and limited my access to the internet and etc. But what helped me was going to the root of the problem. I got a chance to meet with two secular therapists who didnt focus on the porn. They understood it was a problem but they started to look on things around me and inside my heart. They didn’t say it was ok but they didn’t guilt me either. Instead the started to show me how anxiety was taking over. How I was emotionally burned out by trying to be some super Christian, super person, super worker and etc. And how porn was a coping mechanism that I had used since I was a kid (10 years old). When I started to deal with that and went on vacation my desire for porn dropped. It was an amazing change. I still struggle. It’s hard sometimes and I have been very close at times but knowing that it’s because of stress or anxiety and not because I am a total monster has helped so much to say no. To put things in perspective and understand how much this destroys. I wish more Christians would recommend this and make people understand that sometimes (and most of the time) therapy can be a real help in this struggle. Ifs not about shifting the blame and excuse oneself because of mental health problem but it’s about finding the root to this. So I would recommend therapy too.

    Reply
  2. Hope

    About #4 (premarital sex), a “good Christian” in my view is someone who regrets their sins and makes changes to repent and do better. That’s what Christ wants most from us.
    Foregoing sex before marriage and then having sex only within the bonds of marriage are steps for change. There is a quote from Boyd K. Packer of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I really love: “The Atonement [of Jesus Christ] leaves no tracks, no traces. What it fixes is fixed. … It just heals and what it heals stays healed. … The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars. That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, [the Savior] has promised that He would atone. And when he atoned, that settled that.”

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Very beautiful! Thank you, Hope.

      Reply
  3. Daniel

    #5. Well sure it’s dirty…. if you don’t wash down there, and if you don’t wash/wipe your mouth when your done…. BUT if you wash well down there, like say, take a shower before sex (which is awesome to do together by the way), and just rinse your mouth off later, it’s honestly not dirty AT ALL. I can’t imagine sex without oral… it would be a sad day if I had to stop giving my wife oral.
    Are your hands too dirty to pick your child up if you accidentally get poop on them when changing their diaper? Nah, just wash your hands… or like a lot of us have done from time to time, just wipe them good with a wipe.
    Don’t sell yourselves short, if you miss it, well, stop missing it, and just continue where you left off. And do yourselves a favor and read Sheila’s 31 days to great sex.

    Reply
  4. Neva

    To the woman struggling to enjoy sex three months into her marriage: You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you! Well, you may have a biological issue like vaginismus (or you may not). What I mean is, I hope you know that there’s no shame or guilt in struggling to adjust to sex after marriage. My husband and I have been married for 8 months, and sex just finally “clicked” for us, if you will, in the last six weeks or so. Prior to that, despite all our best efforts, it was just uncomfortable or even painful for me, despite a clean bill of heath from the gynecologist. I was confused and disillusioned and I felt like either I’d been led to expect something unachievable or there was something wrong with me. Sometimes it just takes a while to get things figured out. I’m not trying to minimize your pain or imply that there’s really nothing to the issue, and I definitely advise you to see a gynecologist if you haven’t already, I just thought you might find it encouraging to know that I found myself in a similar situation and that with a lot of patience and communication between my husband and myself (and a lot of astroglide and foreplay) we’ve made it to the point where it’s hard for me to believe I haven’t always thought sex was the best thing ever.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, Neva, thank you so much for sharing! That’s very encouraging!

      Reply
    • Daniel

      Neva, just a bit more encouragement for you; my wife and I thought sex was great… but then in our 15th year (yep, 15th year) we discovered that there is far more pleasure to be had. And it keeps getting better all the time. Have fun! 😉

      Reply
      • Grace

        And we are married 32 years and feel sex just keep getting better! Read somewhere that couples reach their groove sexually after 20-25 years of marriage, so that is so encouraging. There is so much more to learn!

        Reply
        • Daniel

          Grace: I love to hear from people like you. So encouraging. Keep up the good work!

          Reply
    • Suzie

      Neva, is there any specific advice you have for other newly married people? I have been married 7 months and still don’t have things “figured out.” I try not to get too discouraged and emotional about it, but sometimes it is hard to believe that there is something better and not to give up. Things stopped hurting a little while after we got married, but nothing feels very good. Do you have anything you would recommend?

      Reply
  5. katee

    In the first question, she mentions she often daydreams about kissing and making love with her future husband. I am wondering if this is wrong? Most people would say sexual fantasies are a sin, so is fantasizing about having sex with your husband when you’re married wrong? Maybe daydreaming about your future wedding night or something? I’m talking about a single person fantasizing, so obviously they wouldn’t know what their husband looks like, but where is the line there? I am curious.

    Reply
  6. Heather

    I experienced something like the first woman too. To be clear, I don’t condone porn use at all. But I also wrestled with my sexuality because of feeling aroused by erotic (though more of a soft-core as opposed to full on explicit porn) images of women. I felt like I was being betrayed by my own body. I didn’t know how to make sense of why I felt such an odd curiosity and draw to the female body. I wondered if maybe I was bisexual, (even though I still wouldn’t feel free to act on any same-sex desires, because of what I believe) but I have only ever had crushes on men and if given the opportunity, I wouldn’t desire a relationship with a woman or a sexual experience with one.
    Only recently, have I gotten the courage to share that part of my story with a few close godly women in my life. One of my friends told me she had the exact same experience.
    When I told my mentor, she told me that it’s possible that when I was looking at those images, I was actually imagining myself AS the woman rather than fantasizing about myself being in the position of having a sexual encounter with her. I hope that’s not too crude. But realizing that made a lot of sense for me. Especially when I connected it with my body image insecurities. I realized that I was drawn to women who looked the way I wished I did and had sexual confidence instead of the shame I carried. That helped me unravel a lot of my confusion.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yes, that’s exactly what a lot of psychological studies have shown about women and porn (and even women and advertising). We tend to imagine ourselves as the woman. It’s very different. I’m glad that you’ve found some insight!

      Reply

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