When your marriage starts to go in a downhill spiral because you both feel neglected and misunderstood, can you reverse that spiral?
I think you can. And today I want to share with you some insight from Dr. Ron Welch from his new book 10 Choices Successful Couples Make: The Secret to Love That Lasts a Lifetime.
You’ve probably got some unspoken truths, too:
- He’d rather spend time with friends than with me.
- He cares more about success at work than he does about the family.
- She loves the kids way more than she loves me.
- She’s only with me because of my paycheque.
So let me introduce you to Luke and Laura, whose story Dr. Welch tells in this chapter.
As they started counselling and dug deeper, Dr. Welch realized that they were working with two very different set of assumptions about what marriage was about and what the goals in their lives were. I really related to a lot of this story, since my husband is a doctor and we struggled with his long hours early in our marriage, too!
They found intimacy again because they realized that they did have some control over their lives.
They were each making choices, and they could choose to make different ones. Laura could choose to open up about her needs. Luke could choose to own up to his own choices about work, and prioritize family. And that’s what stopped the downhill spiral. What I’ve found listening to marriages is that the problems often sound so complex, like it’s a cascade, where one thing causes another thing and soon it’s all so complex and interwoven it’s hard to untangle it all. But that’s what you have to do. Go back to the beginning and ask, “why did we start acting like this?” He has a great self-assessment tool in this chapter couples can take to try to discover their “unspoken truths” and face them. And he has many other tools in the book, too, to help you make other choices successful couples make–choices like choosing to be intimate; choosing not to take each other for granted; choosing the “us” model of marriage rather than being selfish; choosing to let go of old baggage, and more.
Sheila! You’ve done it again…and again and again. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you for this.
It’s so true, Satan wants us confused. Our hearts desire really is for each other but we get so wrapped up in the lies we forget we actually love each other.
I had never heard about this. I can really relate. One of the truths that Comes to mind when I read this is the “truth” that if I don’t act almost perfect as a husband my wife will stop loving me and leave me. It’s inevitable because the husband has the greatest responsibility and my wife doesn’t have to do as much as I have to do. Her love and attraction for me is my responsibility and will vain if I dont do things all the time.
I try to do as much as possible and I don’t think that is bad but sometimes I can feel resentment because I don’t feel that my wife puts in the same care. I try to do as many chores as possible. I try to take the kids as much as possible as soon as she needs to rest or study. I try to look for her emotional needs and meet them , I read marriage tips always thinking about how to become a better husband and etc. But I don’t feel she puts in the same effort. She thanks me but I guess I wish she would do more about meeting my emotional needs. I recently got hurt because I came home from work and took the kids without her asking it so she could rest(mind you that the nanny had been with the kids all day so it wasn’t like she had been doing a lot of things, I or the nanny take turns cleaning) . Another day I was extremely tired and almost sick but she didn’t even offer herself to let me rest, I feel like a failure if I am not constantly doing something and scared that she will think I am lazy so I want to know that she thinks it’s ok if I rest. I don’t think she does it out of being mean but she doesn’t think about those things. A small example but I feel like I can’t raise my concerns because it feels like Christians always says that one shouldn’t expect anything back or ask for anything back so I don’t.
I have started to feel more and more resentment.
Reading this post I realize I may need to deal with this kind of truths.
Sleepy, your wife may just think differently than you do. I am the type who does the types of things you are doing in your marriage, I am oriented to serving and noticing what needs to be done and doing it. My husband is more leadership/big picture oriented which your wife may be too. He just doesn’t do those things or volunteer to do things when I am sick. He is willing though, I just need to ask him . People just think differently. Try being direct and asking for what you want her to do. It isn’t good to grow resentful. I understand though, I have struggled at times too with it.
Is suggesting a woman quit her job taboo now? I can understand the husband cutting back on work but why didn’t she? If she was stressed out and needed more time why not cut out the job? Maybe that is addressed in the book? It seems like a trend lately that to suggest a Mom be at home is humiliating and insulting somehow. It’s her choice obviously but I don’t know if it even enters women’s minds anymore as an option. Maybe I’m missing the point but that was the first thing I thought. Her husband is a doctor, she’s working and has no time, she wants to do more for her kids. It seems obvious. It just feels like housewife or stay-at-home-Mom are bad words anymore. Like I’m less because I don’t get paid for my work. Except my kids need me, my former coworkers don’t. It’s not the answer for everyone but I think it would help a lot of women if it weren’t taboo in society these days.
Casey,
Her quitting her job and being a stay at home mom wouldn’t help. My husband is a physician and I did EXACTLY what she did but stayed home instead. I homeschooled my children so we could be off when daddy was off. Some of her thoughts were EXACTLY my thoughts. He works so hard. I knew this going in. I can’t complain. I took care of all of the kids, the house and anytime my husband wanted something I dropped everything to do it. My needs seemed selfish, so I kept them to myself. I ended up isolated and suicidal. He quitting wasn’t the answer necessarily. It took over 25 years before I learned to speak up about my needs and that is only because my husband realized I was about to commit suicide and listened. Before that he had no idea anything was wrong because I was always smiling and trying to be the perfect wife.