THE LINGERIE SERIES: How to Choose Lingerie that Makes You Feel Sexy

by | Aug 7, 2019 | Uncategorized | 53 comments

10 Tips for choosing Lingerie that helps you feel sexy
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What does “lingerie” mean to you?

Some of us, when we think lingerie, immediately think of sexy, lacy pieces that take about 10 minutes to actually get into and about 30 seconds to take off.

You know the pieces I’m talking about–the ones that are really meant to be some eye candy for a bit but are quickly thrown to the floor a few minutes later.

Having a few of these ridiculously sexy pieces can be a ton of fun for anniversaries, special occasions, or just to surprise your husband just because! But the problem we can run into with this kind of lingerie is that it sits in the back of the dresser or the back of the closet to just be pulled out a few times a year.

And the rest of the year we’re in gym shorts and ratty t-shirts.

But many who are reading this may think “lingerie” and get incredibly uncomfortable.

Maybe you feel uncomfortable about how your body looks in lingerie. Maybe you want to be sexier, but when you try on some of those crazy sexy pieces you just feel ridiculous. Maybe you even feel a bit of shame around the idea of lingerie.

No matter if you’re the type who gravitates towards the special occasion lingerie or no lingerie at all, I want to challenge you to re-think lingerie’s role in your daily life. This month, on Wednesdays, we’re going to be talking about how to reclaim the word sexy and bring sexy back to our marriages, and I thought I’d start with a week about choosing lingerie. I’m going to let Rebecca take this one over today, because she has some pretty firm views on the subject!

In previous generations, lingerie wasn’t just something you received at your bachelorette party.

Lingerie was simply your underthings–slips, brassieres, garters and stockings were all just a normal part of what you wore under your clothes. And then at night, women wore silk or satin night gowns, teddies, or top and bottom pieces with a robe that were clothes specifically set aside for nightwear.

And they looked awesome. Seriously, look how gorgeous these slips are (again, this was normal everyday wear!)

I think that with our over-airbrushed, over-edited, over-photoshopped modern culture we have this mindset that in order to be sexy, we need to be over the top. We need the skimpiest piece we can get that makes our boobs look as huge as possible while our waist looks incredibly slim in order to be sexy.

But the problem with that mentality is two-fold. First off, most of us will not look like models because of body type, having kids, surgeries, or what have you. Secondly, that just takes a whole lot of work. And the more work something takes, the less often it will happen.

What would happen if we went back to thinking about lingerie the way that women did in the past, where it was something comfortable and feminine that was just a part of our daily routine?

I don’t think we need to start wearing full-body slips again under our clothes. But just the idea that we can have simply, day-to-day items that are feminine, flattering, and incredibly comfy can revitalize how you see and choose lingerie.

I personally think that having a small but thoughtfully chosen lingerie collection that is appropriate for everyday wear is a game changer for sexual confidence. There’s something about having on a nightgown instead of your paint-stained gym shorts and the camp T-shirt that just makes you feel so much more put together and feminine, even though it takes literally no more effort to put on (and is just as comfy, if you choose the right pieces!).

So here are some tips and some questions to ask yourself when buying lingerie to help you choose pieces that are better for your lifestyle and better for your body so you can feel confident, beautiful, and sexy on a daily basis!

1. Focus on creating a functional lingerie wardrobe

We all need a few of those “wow” factor pieces I was talking about earlier–the ones that come out on anniversaries and birthdays. And we completely endorse shopping for some of that in the mall’s lingerie stores. 

But when it comes to buying lingerie you’ll actually wear, focus on functional pieces. Pieces that can also be pyjamas, pieces that are also actual undergarments that you already wear but just a little nicer. For instance, many people swear by thongs, but others find them just plain uncomfortable. No one wants a permanent wedgie! But you don’t need a thong to have pretty underwear:

The ones on the left are still pretty without feeling “granny”, but they also won’t give you wedgies.

It’s better to buy lingerie that is pretty that you’ll actually wear than stuff you think you’re supposed to wear but you won’t because it’s uncomfortable.

Changing this mentality can help us get used to seeing ourselves more as womanly, beautiful, and sexy on a day-to-day basis. (And sex is much less exhausting to think about when you’re already wearing a cute nightgown or tank and shorts set that makes you feel beautiful and flirty than when you’re wearing a stained t-shirt and sweat pants!)

2. Try bra and panty sets

Bra and panty sets can be a lot of fun if that’s your cup of tea! And the best part is that throughout the day you’ll feel like you have a secret outfit on underneath of your real outfit–one that just you and your husband know about.

Investing in some great bras and pairs of underwear is helpful in more than one way, too: it will help you feel confident and beautiful, but it also just helps your clothes fit better! You will have fewer underwear lines, show off your curves better, and if you have large breasts having a well-fitted bra can help relieve back pain, as well.


If you’re someone who is uncomfortable with the idea of lingerie or trying on “sexy” clothes, this is a fantastic place to start. You already wear bras and underwear, so why not have fun with them? It can be a great stepping stone for those of us who are less comfortable with trying new things!

And colour can be as sexy as shape. Take the same beige bra you already wear, but make it purple with polka dots. You’ll feel more playful! 

Make an appointment at a good lingerie store or a good department store for a proper bra fitting (the vast majority of us are wearing the wrong bra size; most of us need to go DOWN a band size and UP a cup size). And then try on a bunch! When you find a pretty bra that looks great, buy a few pairs of underwear (since bras can be worn more than once before washing, whereas underwear can only be worn once!). You can get everything from the high end Simone Perele bras to the lower end Victoria Secret. Have some fun trying them on!

Sheila says: I always hand wash my bras, too. It makes them last so much longer. In fact, I’ve never had a bra wear out. I change sizes before they actually wear out. It’s a little bit more work, but I just soak them in a lingerie wash, then rinse, then squeeze dry and roll up all the bras and underwear pieces in a towel. Then squeeze the towel, hang to dry, and you’re all set! It takes about 3 minutes in total (you soak for longer than that), and I’ve been doing it for around 20 years now). 

3. Look for breathable and soft fabrics

This was the number 1 game-changer for me when it came to nightwear and lingerie. Look for fabrics that will be comfortable to wear all night long–cotton and silk are great places to start, but some polyester blends that are made specifically to be breathable can work great, too. But pay attention to the details: a lot of lace and other embellishments found on night gowns and lingerie pieces are often made with a scratchier material than the rest of the garment. So when you try a piece on, focus on every part that is touching your skin–is it soft? How will it handle sweat (gross question, I know, but important)? Does this give me room to move around or do I feel like I’m going to rip something or I’m constrained?

Finding pieces that are made with breathable fabrics that are soft and easy to move in will help you create a lingerie mini-wardrobe of a few pieces you wear every day and feel awesome in. If it’s not comfortable or you feel sticky or sweaty in it, you simply won’t wear it.

4. Try on LOTS of things

And don’t be discouraged when most of them don’t work! Easier said than done, I know, but when it comes to lingerie you would be surprised what you try on that you end up just loving.

If you’re comfortable with it, consider bringing a friend or a sister along who can help you pick out some unique pieces you may not have otherwise considered. I’ve gone with multiple friends to help them find some everyday wearable pieces or bras that suit them and it’s a ton of fun–remember, we’re not talking those once-a-year lingerie pieces; we’re talking about nightwear that’s sexy but you’re still covered for the most part!

5. Watch your reaction when you try things on

Choosing lingerie is less about choosing pieces that you think might make you look sexy, and more about choosing lingerie that makes you hold yourself with confidence because you really feel beautiful and sexy. If you try something on and you think, “this looks good on me I guess” but your body language is nervous, ask yourself if it truly feels like “you.” If no, then put it aside–you’re looking for pieces that match YOU, because then you’ll want to wear them!


Choosing lingerie is less about choosing pieces that you think might make you look sexy, and more about choosing lingerie that makes you hold yourself with confidence because you really feel beautiful and sexy.

6. Look for figure-flattering pieces

We all have different proportions, even among the typical body shapes you hear about. If you’re very straight up-and-down and want to add more curves, have fun trying on lots of pieces with extra frills or ruching to add dimension. Or, if you have an athletic build and you want to accentuate that, why not try some structured silk or satin sleep shirts with a pair of shorts? They’re incredibly chic and can really compliment more angular builds!


If you’re more curvy, looking for really classic-looking pieces like satin nightgowns with a nicely defined waistline can be incredibly flattering and make your curves look awesome. Plus, they look incredibly feminine, and will likely provide more support for the girls than that ratty t-shirt did, anyway!

A tip for bustier women in particular: look for good coverage up top. Many nightgowns do not come high enough to adequately contain what’s going on in the breast department so when you roll over at night, it pops out. And that’s just annoying. So look for pieces that fit you well and keep you contained so that you can sleep comfortably!

If you’re more bottom-heavy (like me!), pieces that have more going on up top and are more streamlined on the bottom half can really flatter your curves and make pear-shapes look fantastic (emphasize, don’t hide, the behind!). I love this black midi-length gown with a lot of lace going on up top with a super sleek bottom half, since it would nicely define your curves without being too tight around the hips that it would be uncomfortable.

If you’re less endowed on top (like my mom!), try some structure on top, either with form fitting spandex or full coverage tops. If you go with just a deep V for the bust area, it’s very easy to “slip out” every time you move if there’s not a lot to keep the piece in place. 

With all of these general body-type suggestions, it’s important to recognize that these are merely starting point suggestions. As a bottom-heavy woman, I struggled for a long time to get over trying to “hide” my legs because I thought that my hips were just too wide. But you know what I realized? It’s a lot easier to work WITH your body than AGAINST it. So don’t be afraid to try on a gown that will graze your hips and legs–if you find the right fit, it won’t make you look bigger, it’ll just emphasize your curves! If you’re self-conscious because you think you have too small breasts, don’t always feel like you have to try to make them look larger–you can also just find some pieces that are really structured to show off your more subtle curves (think Audrey Hepburn anyone?). If you are carrying more weight than you would like, don’t feel you have to hide away in a ton of fabric–find a cute shorts and tank top pair that fits you well, shows off your curves, and you can wear around the house with confidence knowing you look awesome.

7. Invest in a good robe

Maybe you already have a great housecoat that would work for this, but having a good robe or housecoat takes pieces that may show a bit more skin than you’re comfortable with around the kids/if anyone saw through the kitchen window and makes them appropriate for everyday wear. It’s a simple addition to your wardrobe that helps make your lingerie wearable day-to-day!


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8. Pay attention to wash and care instructions

Not all pieces are going to be feasible to be everyday items if they require dry-cleaning every time. Look for pieces that can be easily hand-washed in your bathroom sink with a bit of detergent or even thrown into a gentle cycle in the washing machine.

We want to make lingerie an easy, natural part of our routines–having dry clean-only pieces doesn’t do that unless you’re already in the habit of dry cleaning!


9. Look in outside-the-box stores

Often the stores in malls are only going to cater to one kind of lingerie: very skimpy. Although that has its place, when you’re trying to create a wearable lingerie wardrobe for your everyday routine it doesn’t work so well.

Look for some more high-end boutiques in your neighbourhood or check out Etsy to find some great hand-made pieces! You’ll be surprised what’s out there, and if you invest in 2 or 3 really great pieces that you end up wearing every day, even if they’re expensive, it may actually end up costing you less than buying 5 or 6 “OK” pieces that you only wear once in a blue moon.

10. Remind yourself that it’s good to feel beautiful and sexy.

I honestly think that much of the time we get into the t-shirt and old sweat pants routine because we forget that at the end of the day, it’s a good thing to feel good about our bodies! We’re told by so many different people (ourselves included!) that our bodies just aren’t good enough.

But think about what it would feel like to get up after the kids are in bed and wash your face, brush your teeth, but then instead of throwing on the faded yellow t-shirt you got at that volunteer job you did in university you put on a beautiful, lace-trimmed cotton nightgown and wrapped yourself in a satin housecoat. It takes just as much effort, but can help us feel so much more confident because we’re taking that little bit more effort to tell ourselves, “Hey, I look pretty great tonight.”

Choosing Lingerie You Love that Looks Good on You

Those are our best tips for creating a lingerie wardrobe for more than just anniversaries and birthdays. What are some of your tips and tricks for finding “wearable” lingerie? 


Join us next Wednesday when we look specifically at all the different cuts of underwear–bikini, high cut, boys’ cut, etc.–and talk about which ones to choose for what body type!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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  1. KellyK

    I’m a 38DDDD. Seriously. I had weight loss surgery 10 years ago & dropped weight everywhere else except my breasts ☹️ Was gonna get a breast reduction/lift but then I got kidney cancer. My breasts are saggy. Always have been. Even after breastfeeding my son for 6 months. It’s hard to find a good bra that isn’t $100 let alone sexy lingerie.

    One time I bought some lingerie at a plus-size store & was told by my husband, “why did you buy that for? It’s only gonna end up on the floor?” 🙁 so…I haven’t purchased any since. :/

    • Joy

      Right there with you. Each baby has brought me up.a cup size. I order from the good bra companies and just swallow and push go. I buy cheaper “sexy” stuff. Bigger breasts can be harder to fit so I go with less structured for those items.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, ouch, Kelly! That’s really rough. I would just say keep buying what makes YOU feel good. That does matter!

      • Kelly

        Nothing feels good. Bras are so uncomfortable yet necessary. I have permanent indentations in my shoulders from bra straps. Underwire bras are a must for adequate support. It’s impossible to find matching bra/panties sets when you’re my size. I’ve spent $70 for 1 BRA! Ouch!

        When I went to my 20th high school reunion, the strapless underwire bra cost MORE than the dress! 😮

    • Linda

      I’m sorry Kelly, did your husband mean it was going to end up on the floor because he liked it? or because all of your other clothes are on the floor?

      • Kelly

        He meant it would end up on the floor because it would be removed at some point. 😉

  2. Stef

    The thought of wearing lingerie for myself is completely new to me! My hubby is one of those low sex drive men (mostly thanks to mental illness and the meds that help him survive it) and doesn’t even bat an eye if I’m wearing something lacy or silky or transparent. We’ve been married for 11 years now…for the first few years I was so hurt by the way he didn’t seem to notice that I’d fancied myself up, that I just stopped. All my pretty pieces have been packed away for years (they wouldn’t fit anymore, my body is different after our babies). I wear a tank top to bed. But I love this idea of finding pieces that make me feel good, and doing it for me! Why should his indifference mean that I don’t get to feel good about myself!? I love it!! Thank you for another amazing post!!

    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      Yes! I actually think that mentality that lingerie is JUST for the men in their lives is a new concept–in the past, everyone wore pretty, frilly things to bed even if they were unmarried.

      I’ve actually encouraged or taken a few of my single friends who just felt “blah” about life or their bodies to go to lingerie stores and buy really nice silk night gown and robe sets to wear to bed. No one is going to see it but them, but it makes such a difference and can really help us women just feel really classy.

  3. Andrea

    Thank you for “think[ing] that having a small but thoughtfully chosen lingerie collection that is appropriate for everyday wear is a game changer for sexual confidence.” I wish society would stop measuring a woman’s sexual confidence by how skimpy her clothing (lingerie included) is.

    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      Yep. Sexual confidence looks different for different people, and everyone also has just different tastes! But having wearable items that when wearing a robe people other than your husband could see you in and not be scandalized is also just way more practical than ONLY having skimpy pieces!

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yeah, I think the best thing we could do for our sexual confidence is feel comfortable and pretty at the same time! A lot of the super skimpy stuff does neither. 🙂

  4. Swty

    Bras with transparent strap works great too. It feels comfortable as usual and it FEELS and looks so sexy.
    Caution: It will be taken off within few minutes.

  5. anonymous

    I love this article! I actually already follow many of these suggestions, even after 21 years married! I like the suggestions of the different styles. I’m going to try looking at some other shops for different styles.

    My question is actually more an issue of storage. I have a fairly large collection of beautiful bra and underwear sets and i am always looking for a better way to store them for easy access that is organized, and safe for the pieces. I dont want them to get scrunched up or stretched out, etc. Right now i have them all hanging on hangers. It is organized and easy access but they take up alot of closet space and I’m afraid of stretching the straps out. Ive never seen much info on proper storage.

    • Anonymous

      I actually have struggled with good storage for a long time. Nothing seemed to work well.
      My husband finally built us a huge dresser that we share, it has 12 monsterous drawers. I have committed an entire drawer to just bras and underwear. I lay the bras down face up and nest them together. They hold each other’s shape, with no crushing.
      I also love that I can organize them by color so when I open the drawer in the mornings I can see exactly which one I want! 🙂

  6. Bethany

    I really love this article, and think the idea of having everyday lingerie that’s pretty and makes you feel wonderful is the best idea.

    I also have a lot of problems finding that kind of lingerie. This will definitely sound like a litany of complaints, but mostly I’m hoping someone might have some ideas….

    Bras: I have small breasts but a really wide chest and broad shoulders. I also have incredibly sensitive shoulders, so if I wear anything tight on them (like even properly fitting bra straps) I get a headache. Bra bands also tend to be too tight and really bother me.

    Underwear: Post babies, I really want high waisted underwear with pretty full coverage to keep it from giving me a wedgie or drooping down below my post-pregnancy belly-shelf. I love lace, but have trouble finding things that fit this profile in this size. I also really like waistbands that aren’t thin elastic that bites the skin. I’m about a US 16 size wise.

    So, anyone have any ideas? Currently I wear just like large cotton undies with wide elastic/yoga pant style bands, and wide strap undershirts with bra pads in them. They are not the sexiest, but honestly I feel pretty and good in my skin for the most part. I just like pretty things and would be in to having more of them.

    • Joy

      I have the same problem with undies. I had a c section and that totally changed my body. I found the warner brand higher waisted underwear work for me. Currently 6 weeks post partum with 2nd baby and loving the fit. Also kindred bravely has some cute high waisted ones.

    • C

      You may want to look at JJ Winks for casual around the house lounge wear. They have a very loose shelf bra and flowy styles on top so nothing is binding at all and the material is so so so soft. Also look into bralettes instead of traditional bras. True Body by true&co are great. They come in a lot of pretty styles and colors with a lot of different styles of panties to match. I have a large busy but a lot of sensory issues with things that bind or are tight etc and these are some things I have found that I love.

    • Tiffany is my favorite for panty/bra shopping. It is discreet, free shipping and returns, and they have a huge selection for hard to find sizes. I am 36DDDD and I have purchased from there for about 7 years now.

      • Kayla

        I’ll second! I love the wide selection, descriptions, reviews, measurements, and recommendations for similar products! I almost always check there first. I wear a size 34F (UK) / 34G (USA).

    • EM

      I would try the online bra brand ThirdLove. They have a much wider selection of sizes than typical stores and should be able to get you the right size for a wider band with smaller cups.

    • Bethany

      Thank you all so much! These are great tips! 🙂

    • Katherine

      One place to get great panties, bras, and chemises and other sleepwear is They have a large selection of beautiful, comfortable, and classy lingerie. Your comment on underwear made me think of their embraceable super soft briefs with wide soft lace waistbands which are very comfortable. You might find some bras/panties on the site that fit your needs. Soma also has local stores and you can check if there is one in your area.

  7. Wifey

    I like these tips! I had nothing ‘upstairs’ until I started nursing. I still haven’t adjusted to actually having boobs, even my husband (who loves me no matter what shape I’m in!) was wondering if they would shrink after nursing ends. I sure hope so! I have never worn a ‘real’ bra in my life. I was wearing bralettes until my milk came in and now wear a super soft cross over nursing bra. Things are tight and I only have one, so I have to make sure to stay home the day I wash it! I wore comfortable and revealing cotton nightgowns until baby came along, but I’d love to find a nightgown like the old time slips shown in the drawing above. I wear thrift store/garage sale clothes so having clothes that fit in a flattering way is somewhat rare for me. I’m short and small, neither apple nor pear shaped. I usually wear size 16 girls or size 2-4 women’s. Not complaining, I am so blessed to be able to stay home with my baby! But it makes it hard to spread my wings with clothing or any kind. I’d love to learn how to complement my figure better! Thanks for sharing these tips!

  8. Anonymous

    Lingerie has a special meaning in our marriage. When my wife wears lingerie to bed, it means she is available for sex. This is her way of initializing sex (which is very, very difficult for her).

  9. EM

    I have treated myself to a few pairs of nice pajamas this year and it makes me feel like such a grown up (after 4 kids lol). We host holidays now so it’s great to have a set (long pants with collared, button up top in a beautiful plum color) that looks really nice and is appropriate when there are relatives in the house. When it’s just us at home, I have found some comfortable but pretty nightgowns at Target. They are just sexy enough, but still ok if my kids see me in them. For summer I got myself some matching tanks and shorts. Since my boys are hitting junior high, I bought some simple, comfy padded bralettes to wear under the tanks so there isn’t too much nipple action😂 I love not having to go change if hubby and I decide to get frisky. I’m already ready to go!

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That sounds awesome! I always give my family new PJs on Christmas Eve, too, and I wear those a lot with family. 🙂

    • Rachel

      EM, that’s awesome! I will have to do something similar I think 🙂

    • Madeline

      EM, that sounds so nice! I just got my first bralette this summer and I’ve found it to be more comfortable than a standard bra and my husband has mentioned more than once that he really likes it 😀

  10. Chrysti

    I need to update my lingerie wardrobe. Everything I got when we were first married either doesn’t fit anymore (hello babies) or I just don’t like it anymore. Question is, what should I do with the things I don’t use? I feel kind of awkward taking it to the charity shop. 😂

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s a great question! If it’s natural fibres (silk or cotton) I think you can actually put it in a green bin or compost? I’m guessing? Anyone else want to chime in here?

      If it’s a pretty nightgown, I’d donate it, though. 🙂

    • A regular reader

      Donate it in an opaque bag with other items! It blesses those of us who shop thrift stores exclusively due to financial constraints! It’s a big day when I find name brand bras in nice condition in my exact size for $2 each!!

      • Chrysti

        Thanks, regular reader! I will definitely keep that in mind!!

  11. Anonymous

    I love this article! I actually already follow many of these suggestions, even after 21 years married! I like the suggestions of the different styles. I’m going to try looking at some other shops for different styles.

    My question is actually more an issue of storage. I have a fairly large collection of beautiful bra and underwear sets and i am always looking for a better way to store them for easy access that is organized, and safe for the pieces. I dont want them to get scrunched up or stretched out, etc. Right now i have them all hanging on hangers. It is organized and easy access but they take up alot of closet space and I’m afraid of stretching the straps out. Ive never seen much info on proper storage.

    • EM

      I found great drawer organizers for lingerie on Amazon.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I do the Marie Kondo method, and it actually makes them all look really beautiful! Maybe I should talk about that in next week’s post about how to organize underwear. Hmmmmm…..I just don’t really want to put a picture of my underwear drawer in a post. 😉 But I’ll see if I can link to where se does. Basically you fold the underwear in thirds and then in half and then you put it standing up in the drawer, so you can see them all at once. And bras can either be stacked inside of one another or laid out alone. It looks really pretty and you can see everything quickly at a glance!

  12. Blessed Wife

    I love to get bras and panties in jewel-tone colors. If I can’t find panties that match the bra, I buy a pack of white cotton bikini underwear and dye them. Comfortable, breathable, washable, although some dyes don’t hold as fast as others.

    I also have a pair of very short gym shorts that my husband LOVES, which I wear to sleep in with a bra-top tank or one of his t-shirts, which he also likes me to wear.😂

    Also soft lace things.

    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      I love the idea of dyeing pieces so they are exactly what you want! That’s such a out-of-the-box idea I haven’t heard before! 🙂

  13. Madeline

    This was such a fun read! I was feeling kind’ve down from reading some heavier news just now so thank you for this 🙂

    I love the idea of having feminine but comfortable pj’s. I might just have to save up and splurge on some actual nightgowns now!

  14. R

    Thank you, seriously. I actually just spoke to my husband recently about wanting to wear nicer things to bed but I don’t want it to be a thing of, he sees me wearing something nice and just thinks “it’s on!” automatically – which is what we have done in the past (and I saw another commenter said that in their marriage that is the wife’s signal!), but I am finding that if I don’t feel in the mood I simply avoid the lingerie and go straight for my shorts and t-shirt (I know, unhealthy… I’m working on it). So I thought, if I make it more part of my routine to actually wear nice things with no expectation attached, I just KNOW I will feel better, sexier, etc, and it’s truly more likely that sex will happen! And I won’t feel bad because I’m wearing a plain t-shirt and undies… I will have heaps more confidence if I know I’m wearing something nice underneath!
    Not just to bed though. My husband and I live and work on a college campus and afternoon sex sometimes happens 😉 so if I’m wearing pretty underthings during the day that would be fun too!!!

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s awesome, R! And, yes, that thought that, “if I’m pretty he’ll expect something” really does backfire in pretty much every way. That’s also the reason we tend to stop kissing. But if we stop kissing, stop wearing pretty things, stop flirting–well, then how are we ever supposed to get in the mood? So talking about these issues is really the best way!

  15. Elsie

    Thanks for this great article. I’m definitely guilty of wearing old clothes to bed and I’d like to get a nice set of PJs. My problem is that our house is always so cold (my husband gets hot easily) so I have to have my arms and legs covered at night or I’m too cold to fall asleep. Most long sleeved PJs have a button up shirt which I find so uncomfortable. Any suggestions on nightwear that looks nice but keeps you totally covered and has no buttons?

    • A regular reader

      Elsie, my husband and I love my everyday collection of buttery-soft, colorful, form-fitting Lularoe leggings and touchable, very form-fitting v-neck tees in coordinating colors. For winter, I wear long sleeves, for summer, short sleeves.

    • Rachel

      I second the idea of leggings.
      Also, a cute pair of PJ pants with a tight long-sleeve top can be comfy and cute… and if you’re wearing some nice underwear underneath, all the better 😉

  16. Anon

    Sorry to be the party pooper. I don’t go anywhere near lingerie. Just another thing my husband has stolen from our marriage with his horrific porn addiction history. A lot of it involved lingerie sites so I steer clear of anything other than very boring PJS.

    I don’t want the reminder of what he did and I’m never going to look like any of his fantasy women so I have been robbed of this whole aspect of marriage that other women enjoy.

    • Natalie

      You can continue to allow his porn history & the hurt it causes you to negatively effect you and your body image. Or you can reclaim lingerie & your body image back by doing things for yourself and making yourself feel pretty. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for no one else’s pleasure or enjoyment other than your own!!! Who cares what those girls on porn look like. You deserve to feel just as pretty in what you wear in and out of the bedroom as they appear to on the screen. (Now, whether they feel that confident in themselves in real life is a totally different story). Your body is beautiful and deserves to be dressed as such because you’re worth it and worthy of feeling beautiful because you are!

      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        I like this a lot! Great attitude!

  17. Abby

    Just wanted to let you all know about a great site for lingerie. It’s called Mentionables and is a small online based company. What sets them apart is that they never use models in any of their photos. They use manikins or lay out the lingerie. This makes me so much more comfortable shopping online for lingerie because I’m not comparing myself to models in the pictures.

  18. K

    I sew my own everyday lingerie. I have a very hard time finding colors and fabrics that I like in ready-to-wear items, and I also have rather unusual upper proportions (smallish cup size with a wide root/underwire area). I source good t-shirts at thrift stores and make matching bra and panties sets that fit ME. (I even know of free patterns, so it’s really economical.) Since I’m breastfeeding, I put in clips for nursing accessibility, and I used the bra pattern for the top of of a couple nightgowns (also made from t-shirts and/or fabric from a jersey sheet). I know it’s not an option for everyone, but I love being able to make my own comfortable, pretty lingerie!

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, I would love to be able to sew like that! That’s amazing!

  19. ann

    Yes, if it was clothes were made by a plant or animal, it composts (cotton, silk, wool). My favorite store to get panties and bras are Sierra Trading Post because I can get high-end wicking stuff that looks really cute affordably. Since the switch to wicking I love underware again! I usually get beige, because it doesn’t have the bikini look which makes me look shorter and fatter,

  20. Lynnel W.

    Hi Mrs. Gregorie! I first saw you on the Mike Huckabee show. I am now reading your link about sexy lingerie. I’d like to leave a tip: A couple of years ago I found a wonderful bra washer, I believe manufactured by “Evercare”. It holds 2 bras, zips and won’t damage the underwire, shape, fabric!

    Just wanted to share that tip.

    God bless you! -Lynnel W. – Jacksonville, FL

  21. Scott

    My wife wears white granny panties. She is scared to think that our teenage kids might see her undies in the laundry if it was anything else. (and oh my! what would they think?) I asked her to pick out a matching set for my birthday and as something that would let her think about being in a romantic mood all day long. Not something from Fredricks, but something that could be functional and cute. She has worn them twice and both times for less than 20 minutes. I thought they were perfect for her. How do I give her the confidence to know she doesn’t have to see the glass half empty.

  22. Emma Benitez

    Unfortunately for me I found this really enlightening article two years too late – but better late than never! I was particularly drawn to the old vintage slip ad and your comments around it because as a fashion historian with a penchant for fine lingerie it is a subject close to my heart.

    I have two well-used mantras: “Believe in your lingerie and you’ll believe in yourself” and “Life’s too short to wear mediocre underwear”.

    The best advice I could possibly give is to pamper yourself and learn to ‘feel’ your lingerie. Stop just ‘wearing’ underwear and start ‘feeling’ lingerie to improve the way you feel about yourself, not just for rare and special occasions but every day. Believe me, wearing fine lingerie every single day is not so much a matter of how you look but truly how you feel. Start by investing in a couple of high quality items that are intended purely for your own comfort and self-esteem. Wearing lingerie just for looks can easily turn out to be an uncomfortable experience, but feeling great in your carefully chosen lingerie as you go about your daily routine should come naturally.

    After a good few years in the cultural wilderness, feminine glamour seems to be coming back, finally. Certainly, interest in those nearly forgotten classic styles are gaining the interest of more and more women – and not with the disapproval of their husbands either!


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