What Should You NEVER Say to Your Spouse When Talking about Sex?

by | Aug 27, 2019 | Uncategorized | 58 comments

Merchandise is Here!

When it comes to sex, are there some things that are best kept to yourself?

So it’s Tuesday, and I still can’t type.

(In fact, this is actually Rebecca writing out the post on Sheila’s behalf again.)

Normally we get our posts scheduled a few days ahead of time. But on the weekend I hosted two big family parties, and that was the focus of my energy last week. And we weren’t expecting for me to not be able to type this week so it’s throwing a wrench in our plans.

In case you missed it, back on Saturday I had an incident with an onion and a kitchen knife that led me to the ER room to get stitches.

Later this week we have posts that will run like normal, but for today we wanted to try something different again. We just loved seeing your answers for Monday’s post–and we’re going to be putting together a collection of responses for the post on Friday so there’s an organized answer from all of you.

If you haven’t read the post yet, check it out here: Should This Wife Have to Be Sexier? I’m Asking YOU!

So today I’m asking for your opinions again. There seemed to be a consensus with yesterday’s question that it was inappropriate for the husband to compare his wife to other women when he was asking her to be sexier. Honesty is not always the best policy! So here’s today’s question:

What things should you never say when talking about sex? What are you and your spouse’s absolute no-gos when it comes to talking about sex?

Some examples may be:

  • You should be sexier like other women (yesterday’s post)
  • I wish your (body part) were bigger/smaller
  • I had a sex dream about your sister/mother/best friend

Then this week’s newsletter on Friday will contain 10 of the best/funniest/most helpful answers from your comments to help make sure we don’t commit any major blunders during these difficult or awkward conversations! Because let’s be honest–a lot of these are learned after it’s too late.

So be sure to get on the email list if you’re not already!

And, as I told you last week, I want to start a weekly challenge on Bare Marriage: Something super easy you can do to help bring you closer.

This week your challenge is going to be very simple:

Your Weekly TLHV Challenge

Ask your spouse, “Have I ever said something while talking about sex that hurt you?” Because many of us may not know what causes our spouse pain when talking about these really personal, intimate things. So be honest, be vulnerable, and be willing to listen!

Now, if this challenge leads to some difficult conversations, you may want to look at these two posts and talk through them for context: 

And please remember, if you find that this is raising issues that you are having a hard time working through on your own, working through 31 Days to Great Sex together can really help you understand each other and get on the same page. And right now it’s only $4.99 in ebook form! 

Feeling sexually disconnected?

Like you’ve lost your groove?

Like you’re on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage? 

31 Days to Great Sex can help you talk through what’s gone wrong and try some new things to figure out how to make it RIGHT!

 

So let’s hear it: what’s your best advice of what to steer clear of when talking about sex with your spouse? 

Like this post so far? You should also check out:

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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58 Comments

  1. Liza

    Your examples belong to very different categories! You can’t help having weird dreams, this is probably something that’s better just left untold. But if you really think your spouse is not sexy enough, or that their body is not small / big / whatever enough, that’s a problem that doesn’t go away by just not telling them.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yes, Liza, but it’s also YOUR problem, not theirs. A woman can’t make her breasts bigger, and a man can’t make his penis bigger. To make your spouse feel as if they’re inadequate when they can’t do anything to change it and you knew what they were when you married is super hurtful.

      Reply
      • Liza

        Yes absolutely, that’s what I meant (English is not my native). If you think your spouse’s body is not good enough, then the issue is not whether or not you tell them. The problem is that you think that way. Just not telling them does not solve the problem.

        Reply
    • Irene

      When one tells the spouse to be more sexier is not good why should they compare. It’s high time that there should be faithfulness in marriage by comparing it lowers the other partner’s self-esteem

      Reply
  2. Arwen

    Never talk to them about the type of porn you used to watch. Especially if you have repented and stopped. There is nothing edifying about discussing your porn videos. Instead talk about how, why, you changed, repented, etc.

    Reply
    • Lindsey

      I would actually disagree with this to an extent. I do agree that what your specific fantasy was (librarians, other ethnicities, big busted, etc.) doesn’t need to be shared. That being said, I have an absolute right to know if the person I am engaged to or married to is watching child/young teenager porn, violent porn, or homosexual porn. These are issues that I would say are much more serious than what many uninitiated think of when they think of porn. If I knew
      Someone had actively sought out any of those types of porn I wouldn’t marry them – and if I was already Married I wouldn’t stay married unless they sought intensive counseling.

      Reply
      • Natalie

        I agree and disagree with both of you. I think it depends on the relationship and the context. My husband and I have discussed quite a bit about the type of porn be used to watch, when he started, how he chose that type of porn, how it made him feel, how he was drawn to it, and how he was introduced to it in the first place. Because I know he loves me and enjoys sex with me more than any porn he’s watched and because he never had a true porn addiction, I’m okay talking about this with him. I don’t compare myself to the porn stars and know the deeper meaning for why he was looking in the first place. Discussing this topic has been really beneficial to us and actually really improved our sex life and general trust in the marriage.

        I think I’d feel a lot differently if he’d ever actually been addicted to porn or was still using porn.

        Reply
        • Hhe

          For our own marriage, I disagree. I would feel more betrayed by him not sharing his feelings, thoughts, concerns or struggles than him having them at all. I don’t want to be fooled into thinking I have a fully faithful husband who thinks I’m the sexiest woman he’s ever seen. I want to know the honest truth rather than hear for years that I’m sexy and wonder why he suddenly doesn’t seem as interested in me.

          Reply
      • Laura

        I would agree with Lindsey: It’s a bad idea to tell your wife that you watched porn of big-breasted women, but anyone who watched the following should absolutely tell their spouse:

        *homosexual porn
        *child or teenager porn
        *violent porn

        Innocent women may assume that “porn” means naked women or naked couples. Without giving overmuch detail, it’s important to be honest.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          And one other thing–if your spouse admits to watching child porn, PLEASE report them. That’s not okay. That’s real children being hurt. Police need to know so they can track it and rescue kids. Those kids deserve your protection more than your spouse.

          Reply
          • Lindsey

            Amen! May the Living God strike down those who hurt innocent children in such an abominable way!

          • Sheri

            Report them? Your spouse shares something with you and instead of getting them treatment you report them? You have no clue what marriage is. You have no loyalty to your spouse. I am frankly shocked. I will look elsewhere on advise for a Godly marriage.

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Yes, for child porn, you definitely report him. That is not just a sin he’s confessing. That is a horrid, horrid crime. Those children deserve protection. Marriage does not mean covering up crimes, especially crimes against children.

            My site is about helping marriages thrive, but I do not treat marriage as an idol. The goal here is not marriage above all; it is Jesus above all. When we put marriage above doing what is right, we are making marriage an idol, and that is rebellion against God.

            If you would protect a husband over God’s precious children that are being hurt, then you need to examine your heart and ask, “am I serving Jesus here?”

            And I’d also point out that Sapphira got to choose between her husband and doing what was right. She chose her husband. God struck her dead. Seems we know what side God is on!

      • Lindsey

        Also beastiality…that’s another horrible thing that people get messed up on. May God help us all, the world can be a vile, dark place.

        Reply
        • Arwen

          My understanding with child porn is that since it’s punishable by law anyone who watches it is being tracked since that type of porn is not easily accessible. You’ll have to go into the dark web to find it. And anyone venturing there is being monitored. Plus what man is going to admit he’s a pedophile? Instead i trust the authorities to do their due diligence and get him before we meet. Because he will not admit to watching. Everybody knows what type of porn is acceptable to watch by society and what type is condemned. And they’ll only admit to the ones society founds acceptable. That’s why i said what i said. I’m not under an illusion that a guy will confess to watching child porn or bestiality. That’s why i pray the authorities find them before i do. And also pray they are genuine believers.

          Reply
  3. Lisa

    I am same sex attracted and was once asked during counselling if I found my husband physically or sexually attractive. I answered honestly and said no. That must have killed him. We’ve struggled our whole marriage with our sex life.

    Reply
    • Tim West

      Lisa, why in heaven’s name did you marry him then? That sounds cruel to me.

      Reply
      • Lisa

        Because I had repented from living that lifestyle, but my desires and attractions didn’t change like I thought they would.

        Reply
        • Harold

          Let me dare suggest that many opposite sex attracted person face a similar challenge. With the obesity epidemic the reality is that many people will have to make a choice whether to bond with someone that who is light years away from the ideal. We have not protected boys from porn addiction and less attractive ones frequently become “incels” or involuntary celebate. They lead miserable lives masturbating to images in their heads of beautiful women. With increasing gender fluidity indoctrination in media and schools choosing to bond with a person of the opposite sex and accepting the natural consequences of the bond (children) will become more of a values choice than instinctive.

          Reply
    • Lindsey

      I’m so sorry for you both. I pray God spreads healing over your situation.

      Reply
      • Lisa

        Thank you Lindsey for your compassionate response. Changes are slow but progressing.

        Reply
        • Lindsey

          You’re welcome Lisa, and keep at it. I’m sure it feels unbearable difficult at a time, but you can do all things through Christ.

          You know, I think it’s a weird question from the counselor anyway. I ALWAYS enjoy sex with my husband, and I think he has a handsome look. But that intense, dopamine-fueled attraction doesn’t happen when I look at him after ten years in marriage. So, while I’d not say that I wasn’t attracted to him, it isn’t the same intense feeling that many people consider attraction. When I look at him I see my best friend, the father of my children, and the man who loves me most of all – and that’s attractive to my soul, even if I don’t feel that physical rush of attraction/sexual desire when I see him.

          Reply
    • Ashley

      Oh wow. How sad that you were put in that situation! I’m sorry for you and your husband and the pain you have both endured.

      Reply
    • Laura

      Lisa, derek prince ministries has been a great resource for me dealing with deep personal, spiritual issues. I got several helpful pieces of advice there. Perhaps it would be helpful to you.

      Reply
  4. Tim West

    “I had a sex dream about your sister/mother/best friend”. I know this was one of 3 examples, and they are only examples, but is there a reason why all 3 examples pertain to what men shouldn’t do, and only 1 would pertain to what women shouldn’t do? Related question: do women have sex dreams about their husband’s brother/father/best friend?

    Reply
    • Daniel

      Tim: Wow, that must have really offended you. Let’s be honest here, men are typically the ones who say stupid things, do stop being offended by unfair treatment of men, and get back to the question she posed.

      Reply
    • Ina

      All three apply to both genders. Why would you read it and assume otherwise? Clearly, a woman shouldn’t tell her husband that he should, “be sexy like that guy at work.” When the Bible says a man shouldn’t covet his neighbor’s wife, we infer that the charge applies to women too. It’s really not likely that Sheila’s trying to single out men here.

      Reply
    • Anonymous This Time

      Tim, I think all 3 examples can be for men or women. I know I have had dreams about sex with men I don’t won’t to be dreaming about that way! I did know better than to say anything. It would have just been hurtful.

      Reply
    • Lindsey

      For the record, it is possible to have a sex dream about another person of the same gender, anyway. You have zero control about who shows up and what they do when you’re dreaming and it has nothing to do with that happens in your thoughts normally. I think the point of not mentioning it is that it would then be weird around that person – but it’s kore likely that the wife would be jealous around her sister after hearing about her husband’s dream than vice Versa, which is probably why she phrased it as she did.

      Reply
    • Madeline

      …she could have same-sex attraction…which is something that should be shared with her husband but she still probably shouldn’t mention it was his sister in her dream…

      Reply
      • Lindsey

        You can have a sex dream about someone you aren’t attracted to, though, and that’s the point. It’s just a dream, it doesn’t mean that you want that person.

        Reply
    • Mary

      Tim West: I totally had a sex dream about my husband’s best friend. i enjoyed the dream a lot! In the dream during it I enjoyed it! I remember that distinctly, then when I woke up I had these feelings of guilt, and what did I just do!!??? I love my husband and I don’t want to cheat on him ever, but how did this dream happen, and my feelings during the dream? So the other thing i remember, just to give a bit more to this, is that in my dream, the guys’ penis was smaller than I expected. I still can’t believe I remember all these details, and this is pretty embarrassing to me. Anyway, I did tell my husband about it, and he didn’t feel it was betrayal or awful. I knew I couldn’t live with him without telling him, because it felt like I had betrayed him. Since then, I haven’t had any more sex dreams about this guy. what does this dream mean?

      Reply
      • Anon

        It doesn’t mean anything! Don’t give it any more attention, or you may convince yourself that there’s “something there.” I have sex dreams a lot, and usually they are about my husband but not always! I’ve even had some about women, but I don’t have same sex attraction when I’m awake. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with and i have never thought of cheating on him in real life…the subconscious is a crazy thing! The worst ones though are when I dream that my husband cheated on me. I wake up SO mad and it takes me a day to convince my brain that it wasn’t real lol.

        Reply
  5. Chris

    “But we just had sex last year”

    Reply
  6. Bethany

    My only blunder was , not realizing that he was self-conscious about his “down-under”. And my talking about being dissatisfied with orgasms not coming anymore, he was blaming his size. So now when we talk about how to get my body going, I try to make sure I never accidentally insult his body. So make sure you never insult your spouses size of their body parts. It is a sensitive issue! That you never think about, until you remember how easily you can get emotional about your own body imperfections.

    Reply
  7. AJ

    “Your too much work”, “your taking too long” and “if your going to take this long you need to let me come first.” All of these statements have been made at different times during our marriage. It has been difficult for me to forget and even though he now says he enjoys pleasuring me it’s hard to not to feel under pressure during sex.

    Reply
  8. Ina

    Always or never statements in general are good to steer clear of. It might be true, but saying, “you always/never” rarely starts a healthy discussion! Unless you’re saying, “you always make me feel amazing!”

    As an anorgasmic woman, I’ve also learned to not use blaming language with my husband. I know how I’d feel if he had ED and made me feel like it was because I wasn’t good enough. “You’re probably just really bad at having sex” won’t help you get closer when there are struggles!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Totally agree! Always or never are always wrong. 🙂

      Reply
  9. Mary

    I remember specific very hurtful comments husband said. He denies saying them. I can remember where I was and what I was doing at each occurrence.

    Reply
    • Lindsey

      That sounds unhealthy. Something I have had to learn over the years has been to find my voice, to tell my husband straight up – “Don’t gaslight, this is what happened/what you did and it’s important to me that you acknowledge that.”

      Now, my husband is a good guy, not someone with a personality disorder. But we all tend to try to “spin” things when we are feeling defensive.

      That being said, it’s really important to deal with stuff in the moment or shortly there after, not just because people genuinely forget, but also because sometimes when I feel hurt by something my husband says it’s because I am hearing it through a certain lense, and addressing the issue right away can help him to correct his intention so that there are no misunderstandings.

      Either way, I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this!

      Reply
      • Mary

        Lindsey,
        Thank you, I really like your advice.

        Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, I’m sorry, Mary.

      Reply
  10. Natalie

    Concerning telling your spouse their body should be bigger/smaller, I’d agree that that’s best to not say to your spouse. But I’m the flip side, having a better sex life could be a motivating factor for someone who wants to lose weight.

    For example, I was mean and told my husband plenty times in the past that I thought he was too fat and he needs to lose weight. And while that’s true, I could’ve said it in a MUCH nicer way! However, since we’ve been having more sex and I’ve been working on my side of the marriage and on myself, he’s been realising that him losing the extra 150lbs he’s carrying around would greatly contribute to an improved sex life. Not only would we be able to do more positions more effectively and he’d have better stamina and energy in general, but (most importantly$ he’s also feel more comfortable in his own skin and proud of his body, which in turn would make him more confident in bed, which would be a huge plus for both of us! How you word things is very important, and ultimately the drive to lose weight has to come from within. But I don’t think it’s bad if the spouse points out that losing weight would have xyz benefits, as long as they don’t make it about their spouse failing as a person or just being an awful spouse.

    Reply
    • Lindsey

      Hey Natalie!

      This is so funny, because I was literally just about to comment the exact opposite! My husband once, fairly on in our marriage, said something along the lines of “if you lost weight we’d probably have more sex.” He said it gently and tried to frame it from a “stamina” perspective, but that didn’t matter. It was horribly discouraging and added to my insecurities. It also made me resentful because at the time I felt I expended way more effort planning special times, initiating, and making sure that he felt good physically (massages, foreplay, etc). I wasn’t so large that it physically hindered our sex in any way at that point, and it just felt like a hurtful comment that didn’t do anyone any good because I didn’t feel motivated to lose weight, I felt motivated to avoid sex/nakedness/intimacy.

      So, my comment was just going to be that people should never tie sex to a change their spouse needs to make for another reason (health, finances, etc. obviously some breech of marital intimacy wouldn’t apply). It just makes the idea of sex feel – less intimate and more judgmental. Let sex be about intimacy, and ask your partner to make changes about themselves for other reasons. Let sex be a safe place where they can feel loved and accepted. My husband has since done this for me, and it makes a world of difference.

      Reply
    • MidwestWife

      Never say to your spouse that “sometimes I don’t really feel like it but I do it anyways because that’s what I’m supposed to do”. True or not, it goes over like gasoline on a fire.

      Reply
      • Hannah

        I actually disagree. I’ve had that conversation with my husband several times (in the context of an otherwise healthy and happy sex life and marriage). Purity culture seriously messed with me, and I’ve had to work through the pressure I feel constantly to have more and better sex “for him” (as if sex weren’t for both of us!). That’s led me to do some really stupid stuff, like saying yes and then resenting him and acting my way through sex. It was awful, it felt awful, and it wasn’t fair to either of us. He needed to know that, not so I could hurt him, but because what I was doing–hiding, lying really–could stop, I could heal, and we could build our way to a healthier foundation.

        I mean, everyone says yes sometimes out of generosity; Sheila’s talked about that numerous times. It’s tactless and unkind to throw that in your spouse’s face. But if it’s an unhealthy pattern, it really should be talked about just like any other problem.

        Reply
  11. Daniel

    Something I said early in our marriage that I should not have said, especially in front of friends, was “I do all the work, all she does is lay there and moan”. Ouch. Don’t say that about your wife. I know it didn’t built her up, and it was entirely true either. Any negative comment you make just chips away at trust. Trust is important, so be careful what you say. Making a suggestion about ways to change things up can be great, but criticism is never good.

    Reply
  12. Ina

    I have another one to add! Don’t use defeatist language for both your sakes. Don’t say:
    “I’m broken. ”
    “We’ll never figure this out. ”
    “Maybe we should stop trying.”

    It’s easy to despair when dealing with dyspereunia, vaginitis, hormones, shame etc… but disparaging your own body and what God created won’t help the healing process, even if the complaining feels comforting in the moment.

    Reply
    • Daniel

      Ina: Yes! So true.

      Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, I love this! I’ve said this too in my books: Tell them, “I don’t know how we’ll get there, but I’m committed to trying.”

      Reply
    • Arwen

      Yeeeeeeeessssssssss!!!!!!!! Love it!

      Reply
  13. Rebecca

    Sometimes you may need to tell your spouse what porn you were looking at. 4 years into our marriage my husband dropped a bombshell – that he’d been looking at porn (and masturbating) since he was a teenager, had stopped when we got married, but started again when his job was stressful. He’d tried over and over again to stop, but hadn’t succeeded until he cried out to God for help. He thought the masturbation was worse, because it led to depriving me, and he also found that harder to stop – but I was more hurt by the porn. I really needed to know what sort of things he was looking at, and where he was looking at it. Why?? Because 1. I needed him to tell me the whole truth, and 2. My imagination was running wild and I basically needed to know the worst so that I could shut those thoughts down. Also, if there was anything we did together that he’d wanted to do because of porn, I needed to know. Turns out he’d never gotten into videos, by the grace of God. Once I knew what sort of images he’d been looking for, I was able to take a deep breath and move forward toward forgiveness. Sometimes it is necessary to bring things into the light, because that helps to break the power of it over you. I’ve also encouraged him to tell me if he’s feeling weak for some reason, rather than hiding it so that I can pray for him and support him.

    As far as what not to say – don’t joke about a sex act or something that was a big deal for your spouse! There was something my husband was keen on trying for a long time, and I was not keen at all in the idea – eventually I asked him to stop asking and if I wanted to to try it I’d tell him. After a while I decided to give it a go (don’t knock it until you try it and all that haha) on the proviso that if I didn’t like it he was never allowed to ask me again. Turns out I did actually enjoy it after all lol. Even so, it was a big deal for me to put myself out there and do something that I wasn’t 100% comfortable with. A couple of weeks later he made a joke about it and it was like the wind just went out of my sails completely!!! It made me feel so devalued, like he didn’t even comprehend what a big deal it had been for me to even try this particular thing. It made me feel taken for granted. Thankfully we were able to talk about it and he apologised, but it took me a while before I felt like doing that again.

    So don’t joke about stuff in the bedroom that might have been a big deal for your spouse, or that they might be feeling vulnerable about!

    Reply
    • Rebecca

      Oh I meant to add – maybe don’t tell your spouse what you were looking at unless they actually do want to know 🙂

      If my husband just dumped it on me without me insisting that he tell me once I was ready to know, I think that would have been incredibly unhelpful and unnecessary.

      Reply
  14. Stephanie

    I think a lot of the problems with people saying the wrong things about sex in their marriage has more to do with timing and the current state of the marriage than with the particular thing the person has said. If you have a solid healthy marriage, it’s easier to receive things like “I’ve been having sex dreams about your sister and it’s been really bothering me.” or “I’m concerned that your weight is affecting your health and our sex life.” When you are at a place where you feel insecure and broken in your marriage, those things just cut into the already broken places. It’s important to build and strengthen the relationship as a whole first and address those other sensitive issues later when the marriage is a place of safety. Your marriage should grow to be a place where you can talk about hard things. Of course, even in a healthy marriage, you need wisdom in how and when to address those topics!

    Reply
    • E

      I really feel there is never a time share with your wife that you’re having sex dreams about other people, especially not those close to her because that thought cannot be taken away any time they see her.

      Reply
    • Arwen

      Exactly! It’s like do you REALLY want to hear the truth. You remember the movie A Few Good Men, where he shouts, “You can’t handle the truth!”

      Gorge R.R. Martin — “People often claim to hunger for truth, but seldom like the taste when it’s served up.”

      Remember when Jesus told the truth to the Pharisees and they tried to throw him off a cliff and had Him crucified in the end for telling the truth. Depending on where a person is emotionally, Spiritually, psychologically, will determine if they’re genuinely ready to hear the truth.

      Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      On the whole I agree, Stephanie. The one caveat I would say is that sharing something which neither of you can do anything about is not helpful, because it can trap the person. Sharing something that builds better intimacy or allows you to work on a problem–absolutely. Sharing something irrelevant? Not helpful.

      Some of those would be: I don’t find you attractive or I’ve never been attracted to you; I think your body parts are too small; I don’t like the way you feel.

      Saying something like: “Sex has never felt wonderful to me and I want to work on this together,” or “I’m worried that my mind is straying to other people and I need to fight against that because I don’t want that, and I don’t understand what’s happening”, well, that’s a conversation that could be helpful, if phrased the right way at the right time.

      So that’s how I’d sum it up–is it something you can work on together? Or is it going to be something which will leave us stuck?

      Reply
  15. Danae

    Things about other people you have slept with. My husband was previously married. Although I know the basics of what happened – why they got divorced, etc (those things are super important to discuss, by the way), I never want or need to know about their sex life! Thankfully, we both seem to have an unspoken understanding here, so nothing has ever been said. But it’s worth mentioning for the post.

    Reply

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