5 Steps to Getting Over the “Obligation Sex” Message

by | Feb 16, 2021 | Sexual Intimacy | 23 comments

5 Steps to Stop Obligation Sex Message

How do you get beyond “obligation sex” or “duty sex” to find the freedom of embracing sex because you actually want to?

We’re in the middle of our debunking series on the blog, and every week we’re debunking a different teaching that’s been prevalent in evangelical circles that has hurt sex, leading up to the release of our new book The Great Sex Rescue.

Last week, starting with the podcast, we looked at the “obligation sex” message, the idea that a woman must give her husband sex when he wants it, and can’t refuse. In our survey of 20,000 women for our book The Great Sex Rescue, this was the belief that we found had the worst outcomes. And it’s very prevalent; 40% of Christian women report believing it before they were married.

On Friday I talked about how that message impacted me–and I was a textbook case, according to what we found. It messed up sex for me, and even contributed to vaginismus.

One of the worst things about the duty sex message is that it changes the very nature of sex

Instead of sex being about a joining of two people for the purpose of mutual passion, fun, and intimacy, it becomes an entitlement to one and an obligation from the other. And if it’s an entitlement, then it can’t be a mutual, passionate, sharing. In fact, it can’t be mutual at all, because by turning it into an obligation, you’re saying that only one person’s needs matter. One person “needs” sex, and that means the other must provide it. So it’s no longer something entered into willingly.

That turns sex into something impersonal, or even dehumanizing. I don’t matter, only you do. 

But when you have grown up hearing that it is a sin to say no; that if you say no he won’t feel loved; or that if you say no he’ll have an affair or watch porn and it will be your fault–well, then it’s very hard to resist that message.

One woman in our focus group told us a funny story about the obligation sex message:

A friend of mine married, and within a few years was really perturbed because her husband never initiated sex. She worked really hard to get herself in the mood, and initiated every 3 days, like clockwork. He would go along, but he was never that enthusiastic.

One night in frustration everything came spilling out of her. “Why don’t you ever take the lead?”

He replied, “I’m just trying to keep up to you!”

That led to a rather interesting discussion. It turns out that she was initiating every 72 hours because that’s what she had been taught that men need, and so she was trying to do her duty so he wouldn’t sin or be tempted. He had no idea that she had ever been taught this, or that this was her motivation.

When he told her, he was flabbergasted, and assured her that he did not need sex every 72 hours, and he certainly wasn’t going to watch porn if they didn’t have sex enough.

So she stopped initiating when she felt like she “had” to, and they both decided to initiate when they wanted to. Since then, they’ve settled into a pattern of about once a week, and they’re both very happy.


She had been initiating out of duty and fear, and it hadn’t led to a great sex life.

But her husband was a good guy, and they were able to work this through quite well! With the duty gone, their sex life blossomed.

That’s a good outcome. But for many of us, it’s not that simple, because we’ve believed so long that he needs sex and we can’t say no that to stop sex or to not initiate would invoke almost panic. So let’s look at some steps to help you overcome obligation sex:

1. Make sure you’re safe

Most guys are good guys and would never want their wives having sex just out of duty.

However, most is not all. If you feel that not having sex whenever he wants it would cause him to treat you badly or treat the children badly, or would result in other negative outcomes, then you should likely seek help, at least from a licensed counselor, and even from a domestic abuse hotline. Even if you aren’t sure if you are being abused, if you call, they’ll be able to ask questions and walk you through.

2. Talk to him about the obligation sex message, where it came from, and what it’s doing to you

So many of the women in our focus groups reported that when they talked to their husbands about this, their husbands were flabbergasted. They had known for years that she wasn’t really into sex, but could never figure out why. But they didn’t want “duty sex”. They only wanted sex when she was fully into it. And when they heard that this is what she was feeling, they wanted to show her that she never, ever needed to feel that way.

And that changed everything.

It could be, though, that your husband isn’t happy about this. In that case, I’d read the obligation sex chapters in The Great Sex Rescue with him, because I think they’ll help explain what you’re going through and the effect that it is having on you (lower libido; lower orgasm rates; lower rates of arousal; less marital satisfaction, etc.) Say that you want to be freed from this so that you can both experience real passion.

"A groundbreaking look into what true, sacred biblical sexuality is intended to be. A must-read." - Rachael Denhollander

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue.

Great Sex Rescue

3. Take a sex hiatus

For someone who has been having sex every few days, or even everyday, for years, this can be scary. But in order to break the fear that “if I don’t have sex something bad will happen”, you need to let a significant amount of time go by without sex so that you can see that the sky won’t fall; your husband won’t become a porn addict or a terrible person; you can still love each other.

(Now, if your husband WOULD watch porn or treat you badly, please call a licensed counselor and get some help, because this isn’t okay.)

What does a hiatus look like? Take sex entirely off the table for a period of time, like a few weeks or a month, to grow the relationship, have fun together outside the bedroom, to show reassure yourself that sex is not what’s holding you together. Alternatively, and especially if you’ve had trouble with orgasm, make your orgasm the focus for a few weeks, rather than his. This can free you from rushing through foreplay because you’re feeling guilty and you know he wants to get on to the “main event”.

4. Give yourself  permission to stop at any point

Several large studies have shown that one of the key ingredients in a woman being able to reach orgasm is feeling like she can speak up in the middle of a sexual encounter and ask for what she wants.

However, most women don’t feel that way. Take this example from The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, which shows what most couples consider normal (and which he doesn’t try to correct):


“If I asked her, ‘How was that?’,” and she said, ‘It just hurt,’ I felt devastated, and she did too.

Tim Keller

The Meaning of Marriage

In context, they were talking about how trying for her orgasm was too much pressure, so they decided to stop trying. But I found this anecdote really sad. He was only asking her how it felt AFTER the encounter, not during. And she was enduring pain without speaking up!

That’s the obligation sex message. That’s what it does. It tells us that once we start sex, he can’t stop and he needs to finish, so we just hope that we can feel some pleasure, but if we can’t, we need to just lie there until he’s done.

Well, the biggest breakthrough for getting over the obligation sex message, and allowing yourself to feel pleasure, came, according to our focus group participants, when they allowed themselves to speak up in the middle of sex if it wasn’t feeling good, or if they needed a different angle, more pressure, or even just more blankets!

Not just that–sometimes she just wanted to stop. She started, and it seemed like she’d enjoy herself, but then partway through she’d realize it just isn’t feeling good. Having the ability to stop was what helped Sandra, one of the women whose story we told in The Great Sex Rescue, finally start to heal from longstanding vaginismus and find her own libido.

5. Practice paying attention to your own body

One last thing–often the obligation sex message goes hand in hand with the idea that he needs sex in a way that you don’t, and that sex is primarily about his pleasure. You have to grab pleasure if you can, but if your timeline doesn’t work with his, then you just need to live with it.

So you could be doing foreplay, but you worry that you’re taking too long and he’s getting impatient, so you say, “It’s okay, let’s just start,” and you forego your own pleasure.

Again, that’s obligation. That’s having sex pretty much entirely for him, allowing yourself to be an afterthought.

And most guys honestly don’t want that.

The only way to stop doing this, though, is to stop thinking about what he’s feeling and allow yourself to value what you’re feeling. Don’t worry if it’s taking too long; just pay attention to your body and what wants to be touched. When you’re having intercourse, pay attention to what feels good. If it would feel better at a different angle, tempo, depth, anything–notice that and speak up. When you allow yourself to focus on your own body rather than his, then this idea that sex is only for him can start to dissipate.

But isn’t all of this letting her be selfish with sex, rather than him?

Actually, no. Sex is meant to be mutual. When she is having sex only for him, and when we have a 47 point orgasm gap (in that 95% of men reach orgasm almost always or always, while only 48% of women do), then we need to right the balance. That will feel selfish, because we’re so used to sex being slanted in his direction. But what most guys really want, too, is for their wives to be able to let go and feel passion. And you will never, ever be able to do that if you see sex as an obligation.

Also, the obligation sex message has terrible repercussions on her sexual satisfaction. If he loves you and wants you to enjoy sex, too, then he should see that this message has to go, and you need to matter, too.

If you’re really struggling with this, two resources will help.

First, The Great Sex Rescue helps you to see how the obligation sex message got so internalized that we all seem to believe it. Then The Orgasm Course helps you work through letting go of this message and learning how to allow yourself to feel pleasure.

5 Steps to Stop Sex from Feeling like Duty Sex

What do you think? Have you ever overcome the obligation sex message? If so, how? Or are you still stuck in it? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Obligation Sex Debunking Posts

Some posts that have also dealt with obligation sex and coercion

And check out The Great Sex Rescue–with two chapters looking at where the obligation sex message has been taught, what our survey of 20,000 women told us about how it affected us, and what we should teach instead.

Written by

Sheila Wray Gregoire


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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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  1. Andrea

    I just looked up that Keller quote in my copy of the book and, ugh, he’s talking about the early days of his own marriage!
    It’s so typical of male Christian writing about sex. First he says how it’s supposed to be mutual. Then he admits to hurting his wife. Then she chimes in to say that orgasms are not that important.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yes, I found it really sad. It’s fine to say, “don’t worry so much about her orgasm if it’s causing stress to both of you,” if she’s orgasming 80% of the time. But if she’s never orgasming? That’s not the answer. I think in their case it could very well have been the 80% thing, and so not worrying about it so much may have been exactly the right thing to do. But that’s NOT the right thing for so many other women, and they didn’t even say that–let alone make any other mention of sexual pain and how it’s not okay if it hurts her. They just left that hanging.
      I think that’s the problem when we extrapolate too much from our own experience; we don’t realize how other people may be taking it. I know I was very guilty of that in my earlier days, and I’ve tried to hard not to do that anymore. And that’s why we did the survey–so that we’d actually have real data from other marriages.

      • Andrea

        You’re the first one to actually bring research into the Christian sex ethic! I love how in the 10 years between the two books your research sample has grown 10-fold, from 2,000 to 20,000!
        Everybody’s talking about the Ravi scandal these days, with the sex abuse taking front and center (and I really enjoyed your thread on it on Twitter). But his inflating of credentials is an example of a super-low bar in the evangelical intellectual sphere and is of the same pattern as these sex manuals you’ve been examining, more “mesearch” than research or horrendously bad research such as Feldhahn’s. Feldhahn would never be approved for peer review just like the secular university system would have disinvited Ravi from speaking engagements and publishing contracts as soon as it was discovered that his PhDs were only honorary and that he was never a visiting scholar at Cambridge or Oxford. Leman has an actual PhD from U Arizona, but the research he quotes in his book comes from women’s magazines (Redbook is his favorite), not academic journals, and I’m just wondering how did this guy get through grad. school? I went to a Christian college where a lot of professors bemoaned that the secular world doesn’t take them seriously and they blamed it on some sort of liberal bias (they wouldn’t got quite far enough to label it a satanic attack), but after I went to a big secular university for grad. school and learned about actual standards for research, I gotta say, I understood why the secular world doesn’t take us seriously.

        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Exactly! Very true. We were so excited because last week we passed ethics review for our survey, and now can start submitting to academic journals, so we will actually be peer reviewed! We’ve got a list of like 15 articles so far I think, and we could be writing about this for years there’s so much data. But I hope I can set the bar higher, that when we write Christian books, we should actually know what we’re talking about beyond our own experience.
          I know I messed up earlier, but my survey from Good Girl’s Guide was actually a decent one (and still had 5 times as many people as any of Shaunti’s), plus I did cross tabs. We need to do this better.

  2. Jess

    I agree that this is definitely a huge influencer in married sexual satisfaction. I somehow internalized this message even though I didn’t grow up super immersed in purity culture. My husband is super loving and mutual and doesn’t want one-sided sex and yet I still (after 10 years) struggle with this. Couple that with depression and fatigue, 4 young kids, a low sex drive (on my end), and a very high sex drive (on his end) and the problem sometimes seems insurmountable.
    The first step is at least opening your mind to a healthier way of thinking which you, Sheila, have helped with tremendously. But I get hopeless feeling like I’ll never be free from the guilt and obligation I feel to have sex even though my husband is not pressuring me.
    I’m not really sure how to handle it because I very rarely desire sex until after we start foreplay but making the decision to start foreplay feels so mentally taxing and gives me anxiety because I fear my mind and body won’t respond once we start (even though 99% of the time it does). It’s like some crazy, exhausting mental game I play with myself…trying to convince myself that sex is for me too and that it is pleasurable and that I want it…but really the main thought in my mind is usually “it’s been _____ days and I know he wants it and I want to be a good and loving wife and really, I’m just doing it for him because I feel fine whether we do or we don’t”. And then it takes me forever to get into it because I am thinking too much about why I’m doing it and if I will get aroused and how I kinda just want to sleep. 🥴 It feels impossible to get out of my head. Once we are in the midst of things, I am able to get out of my head and enjoy myself, but the lead up is sooooo difficult! Any thoughts on that??

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s a great question! Maybe I’ll put that out as a question for a post on Friday and see what other people say? I think people would likely have a lot of suggestions–and you’re definitely not alone. I think what you’re feeling is really common!

    • Michelle

      Jess, you described me exactly! Except I have 3 kids. I hope we can get some answers to this, because the internal guilt to how many days it has been is terrible to deal with. On my end, I think it has to do with my low self esteem and fear of my husband cheating on me (so I think if I don’t have sex eith him regularly I’ll disappoint him or he will be tempted with other women). Also, while he tries to be understandable, he does become disappointed or frustrated if it doesn’t happen. He makes comments which feel like jabs qt me if it has been more than 1 day that we haven’t. If we try and I do not end up turned on or if I do start to fall asleep then I can tell he is really bothered. He usually will leave the room and won’t stay laying with me which is so hurtful. But he says he gets too turned on and it is hard for him to be around me.. Which in turn has led to so much anxiety for me to get turned on. I want my body to hurry up and be there, but half the time it does not, probably because I know the result if I don’t.
      Thanks for sharing Jess, I don’t feel so alone. I hope we can figure things out for our sake!

  3. Amber

    Jess, your comment totally resonates with me. I have a great husband too, who only wants sex to be mutual. We have about an equal drive though (both pretty high). I internalized the message of obligation sex/sex every 72 hours when we were on the path of him recovering from a porn addiction. The thing is, his porn predated our marriage and was never about our frequency or lack thereof, and his recovery wasn’t contingent on it either (rather, it was contingent on his determining that he would never do it again, and sticking with that). Yes, I was at that time vulnerable to accepting the premise that more sex would make him more faithful, but in actuality that has never been true, and he has spent the last two years proving that. He has never relapsed, and while we frequently have sex 5+ days a week, we’ve also had very dry spells (due to home renovations, little kids, past hurts, etc.) that he assures me do not tempt him to go back to porn or to lust. He has learned how to see women as people and not objects, and he is able to maintain that character whether he has a “physical release” (don’t really like that term) or not. Because his holiness isn’t dependent on my putting out! Anyway, I’m with you about not being able to get the obligation sex message out of my head though….I feel like we’ve done most of the practical tips above (and they have helped a lot), but I still wish it wasn’t a mental rollercoaster I have to ride so frequently, battling between believing that people really can change, and that men are too animalistic to control themselves. I believe the former; I just wish there weren’t so many Christian leaders calling me to believe less.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Amen, Amber! And that’s so encouraging about your marriage. I LOVE hearing about transformation and about guys who get over this, because I know it can happen! That’s wonderful.

    • Jess

      I can relate to you as well. My husband did not have a porn addiction, but had sometimes sought out pictures of women online. He always confessed to me and would go months between doing it, but it still hurt and made the obligation message more cemented in my mind (thinking I could prevent him from looking by having more sex). We finally had a blow up about it maybe 4 years ago and he got serious about stopping. We had amazing, healing, conversations over a period of months, he set up accountability software, and hasn’t done it since.
      It also predated our marriage and he has repeatedly told me that it was his sin, his problem, and wasn’t caused by anything I lack, but still to this day, that is hard to fully believe. It just still feels so stuck in my mind that if I was sexy enough and had sex enough, he wouldn’t have ever been tempted to look at other women sexually.
      Our marriage and relationship is great…really the best of anyone I know. I feel safe and cherished and known and emotionally connected so WHY IS IT STILL SO HARD?? I think all of this faulty messaging is partly to blame. It’s just so hard to know how to fix it. I desperately want to feel free and uninhibited when it comes to our sex life but I have no clue how to get there!

      • Amber

        I just want us to be able to hug each other! It’s helped me, a little, to do what my old therapist suggested and simply believe my husband when he says there’s no place or reason for obligation sex. It’s kind of like people who say “the devil is lying to me”….well, if you know it’s not of God, then just don’t listen lol! So for us, maybe it’s like, “my husband has proven himself trustworthy and faithful no matter our sex life, I know the obligation sex message is stupid and twisted and harmful and wrong, I AM safe and cherished and I have experienced that I am not just being used for sex”….well, if we know all those things, then let’s try to stop needlessly suffering and be willing to accept the same freedom that our husbands have obtained.
        There’s my little pep talk to both of us. Easier said than done, I know, but in this moment I am renewing commitment to freedom from this toxic message. I’ll be praying for you.

      • Jess

        Thank you for the encouragement! It is so hard, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone. And I’m grateful we both have good husband’s who make it much easier to heal and move forward with hope!

  4. Jane

    Sadly the obligation/duty sex message is still being promoted today on a certain ‘transformed’ blog.
    It is so sad that this message is still causing so much damage to marriages and it is primarily the wives that suffer.
    Thank you for challenging this teaching and for providing a safe place for wives/husbands to share their experiences and find healing.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I try to ignore her! I know I get under her skin because whatever I say, a few days later she always publishes the same thing, but from the other viewpoint. But I never, ever look at her. Just ignore her!

      • Jane Eyre

        Good grief. I read what you’re talking about and read an interview with her. She said that prior to embracing all this, she picked fights with her husband and nagged him. For a quarter century.
        It’s rather obvious that her coping mechanism was to transfer the desire to pick fights with her husband (result: a miserable marriage) to picking fights with random women who go to college, wear jewelry, and think that sex should be mutual (look! A semi famous blog results from this!).
        The underlying desire to tear people down has not changed. The target has.
        Just my two cents on her.

  5. Healing

    This was helpful to read even though it’s too late for my marriage because it pointed out more of the destructive patterns I experienced. I would hear that my spouse desires mutuality in sex and wanted me to be a willing partner, yet the actions didn’t mesh with those words. I asked for sabbaticals from sex a couple of times to work through sexual abuse issues in my past with a therapist. Instead of support during that hard work, I received complaining and coercion and “poor me” messages. After reading this post and seeing that taking time away from sex to heal is okay and maybe even admirable, I now see that the words and actions of my spouse didn’t line up at all. I’m glad though that my time working on my past was fruitful. I know I can be whole and free.

  6. Lady J

    So what do you do if he is denying that he’s wanting sex and gets upset and angry if you say no?
    My DH has ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity, the teachings we grew up with taught both of us to expect obligation sex. We are really struggling because every time I bring the subject up he goes into a tailspin because of his RS and he makes comments like “fine we’ll just never have sex now” and I try to make it clear that I’m not saying that but he can’t get passed the “no” When I confront him and point out his behavior he says “oh I wasn’t trying to initiate.” And “I’m not upset”
    I have tried talking about it when we aren’t in the moment. I’ve sent him Sheilla’s articles at times when this isn’t on the table. And the result is always the same he assumes I’m saying “no more sex “ and gets angry. We are in therapy both individually and as a couple. But when we talk about this he denies being upset and try’s to make me out to be impossible to please.
    I’m exhausted from this. I want our sex life to be better to feel more mutual, but I can’t have a discussion or make any headway on this.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Lady J, that’s a really tough spot to be in! Is your counselor helpful for this? Can you have a conversation with your husband about this, and then talk with your counselor and your husband about that conversation later? Or is the counselor not really god at that?

    • Healing

      So sorry to hear about your experience. I can relate. It’s an impossible place to be and it’s so painful. My answer would be that you work on you and let him be him. You have tried to tell him repeatedly and he isn’t hearing you. His diagnosis isn’t an excuse. Sure it will make it harder to overcome, but shouldn’t be impossible. He is blaming you for what he won’t do- that’s a toxic behavior if not an abusive one. When someone refuses to hear us and work with us, the answer is often boundaries and consequences. You don’t have to stay in a conversation where you are being blamed. I would suggest checking out Natalie Hoffman, Henry Cloud, and Patrick Doyle. They have some excellent resources that have helped me with the circular conversations and blaming in relationships.

    • Michelle

      I am so sorry! I xan relate in the way that when I say no or when we talk about the things I am struggling with in intimacy and the work it takes for me to relax for sex sometimes, he ends up upset and says he wishes so bad that he didn’t want sex, he says that he prays to not want it, and he thinks that we would be better off if he didn’t want it. His response is in frustration and anger. It comes off as hurtful (I have super low self esteem and feel rejected really easily) because I genuinely wish I had a higher drive, ad I put in the work to make it happen often and for me to be able to relax and enjoy that time with him, but just because it takes work for me I feel less than. I feel like my husband doesn’t care about what my needs are emotionally when it comes to trying to relax for sex. Although he is not a selfish lover, it feels like he is selfish when he gets upset that I can’t get turned on.

  7. Rebekah Jeffreys

    Thank you so much for bringing this up.
    It’s really sad that this is something we have been taught from a young age and let it drive us to having sex out of fear that our husbands will cheat on us. I have recently found healing in this area and realized all the lies i had believed from “obligation” sex. One night my husband told me “just tell me no” and it was like everything changed. Also we have been experiementing with the carnivore diet and i can tell a huge difference in my sex drive from eating beef. No wonder I always crave hamburgers there really is something about listening to your body. I appreciate the work that you do Shelia!

  8. Daughterofmyabba

    Wow, this is new to me. I was told this lie on my wedding night by my mother, the one about be available and willing or he’ll have an affair…little did I know then that my husband already had a porn addiction. Mishmash the two together and you have a huge messy ugly lie both spouses are living under. Fast forward 20 years, broken promises of leaving porn behind….and the sudden realization I can say “no” wow…..thing is my marriage is so broken and we never knew real intimacy. I’m in no rush to say yes, and really if we are to do the essential “4 steps to move beyond porn” it will take a long time (cause I thought we already moved forward once then found out he had still been secretly using it). Your website has really been used by the Lord in helping set me free. I’m realizing that my desire to have a friendship with me husband, a shared hobby, nonsexual touch and emotional connection are not me being “demanding and never content” but rather how marriage is supposed to be. If y’all feel so led please pray for us. After 3 months of me saying no and 6 sessions of counseling, I shared my desire for him to install the covenant eyes software yesterday and he made all kinds of excuses why he wouldn’t. He offered to install some other program i know nothing about and I said that really has me questioning if he’s hiding things. He got upset (more reason for me to wonder). So we aren’t even at stage one of healing yet, but I am hopeful and prayerful because finally someone is tackling this issue and showing its Biblical. How can I thank you enough!!

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’m so glad you’re finding it useful! You may also enjoy the books The Sexually Healthy Man or Surfing for God. Both are really good about sexual addictions. If your husband isn’t willing to do the work, then things aren’t likely going to change without something drastic. I’m so sorry. I will say a prayer for you and that your husband’s heart will be softened.


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