What do you do if you’ve lost that spark and you want to be turned on by your husband again?

I thought we’d switch gears a bit today and focus on a question that I get from lots of women: they want to be turned on by their husbands, but they’re just not anymore. It’s not just a question of boosting their libido–although that can help (as can my Boost Your Libido course!). It’s more that such a woman has a desire for sex, but her husband doesn’t turn her on anymore. In fact, in some ways he turns her off!

Sometimes it’s because of health issues, where he’s just gotten really big or developed quite the paunch (and I’ve got other posts talking about how to have sex when your husband has a big belly, or how to talk to your spouse about weight issues.) Sometimes it’s just that the relationship has gotten stale and you don’t have that spark anymore. And sometimes you just feel so distant.

So let’s try to think this through, and look at 10 tips for helping you get turned on by your husband again!

1. Make sure there’s not something outside the bedroom that’s spoiling your enjoyment inside the bedroom

There are certain actors that routinely make the “sexiest men alive” lists, but I don’t find attractive at all–because they’re jerks in real life and it totally turns me off.

A person’s character, and your interactions with them, actually have more to do with whether you find them attractive or not than you think. As we look at last week on the blog, sex and friendship go hand in hand in marriage. When the friendship is better, sex is better; when sex is better, the friendship tends to be better. But there’s a caveat. Sex alone can’t fix a bad marriage.

And when women feel as if their opinions aren’t valued; when women feel as if their husbands don’t care about them or prioritize them; then sex suffers.

If you’re having trouble getting turned on by your husband, then, before you start looking at solutions in the bedroom, make sure there’s not something bigger going on in your marriage. It could be that you have bigger things to deal with, and for that I highly recommend checking out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which can focus on how to bring up issues in your marriage and how to deal with the things that are taking you down a bad path.

2. Get enough sleep!

Lack of sleep is often the #1 libido killer. If you’re just never turned on by your husband, it could be that you’re too tired to be turned on at all!

Or, if it’s not sleep, it could be that you’re carrying so much mental load in your head that you’re building up resentment towards him because he gets down time and you don’t. Check out our mental load series if this could be your story.

3. Don’t fuel unnecessary comparisons

Okay, let’s assume that there’s nothing particularly wrong with the marriage, and you aren’t completely overwhelmed and exhausted.

But he still doesn’t turn you on.

Now what? One big piece of advice: Keep away from media that will solidify in your mind that your husband isn’t measuring up. Some women can read novels and the love story makes them feel even more giddy for their husbands, because it reminds them how wonderful it is to have a man who loves them. But other women read novels and just find themselves wishing for another kind of life.

If you find yourself discontented with your marriage after reading novels or watching Netflix shows, then it’s likely best to steer clear of those things. Focus on media that uplifts rather than causes comparisons. Or just watch a ton of comedies together! We’ve really been enjoying Superstore lately–there are a ton of funny sitcoms that can help you laugh with your husband without making you feel discontented with him.

4. Focus on your shared history

I’ve always said that one of the reasons I can never leave Keith is that he’s the only other person in the world who understands what it meant to lose our son Christopher.

Our family at Christopher’s grave last summer

I know that’s a downer, but once you’ve spent years and years together, you’ve built up so much shared history that it does bind you together. When you focus on what’s good about your past, and how your husband uniquely understands things about you that no one else ever could, it can help revive those feelings again.

So often we think that romance and attraction is fuelled by what is new. But what if we realized that our shared stories are far more potent when it comes to building connection? No one else can ever know what it was like in the first 24 hours after your first baby was born; can know what it was like for you when a friend or parent died; can know what you went through trying to finish up that degree, and how you persevered despite trials. Instead of wondering “what if?”, remind yourself of the things that no one else will ever “get” about you in the same way.

5. Find things to laugh with him about

Laughter fuels desire far more than anything else! When we laugh we let our guard down, we become more truly ourselves, and the stresses of the day tend to diminish in importance.

How do you increase laughter? You spend more time just doing things together! Check out my list of 79 hobbies to do as a couple. Each of you choose two that you would love to try, and then switch lists and choose one of your spouse’s to do together. The more time you spend together, even if it’s doing stuff that you normally wouldn’t do, the more you’re going to laugh. And it’s often easier to laugh when pursuing hobbies together than it is just going on a “date night” which can seem contrived.

6. Do something meaningful together

Here’s another way to build desire–have a shared purpose! When you feel as if  you’re making a difference together, it’s going to lead to the good kind of pride in your relationship. You’ll feel honored to be with your husband. And that will fuel desire, too!

So aside from hobbies, find some way to volunteer together. Or maybe just pray together more. Prayer can be a great way to build desire, too, because you become so vulnerable with each other. If you find praying out loud challenging, I’ve got a great post on making praying as a couple much easier.

7. Get active together

Getting your heartrate pumping from exercise is a great way to boost your libido! So with spring coming, how about going for a bike ride? Or taking up tennis? Even just going for a walk after dinner together instead of sitting on the couch?

Being in the outdoors helps fuel libido, and when you see your husband being active, that’s likely to fuel more desire, too. Besides, if one of the reasons that you’re not finding him attractive is that he’s gaining some weight, then getting more active can help in that department, too.

8. Buy him attractive sleepwear

Ratty t-shirts with holes don’t exactly say, “Come and get me, baby!” They say, “I can’t even be bothered to try.” And when someone can’t even be bothered to try, then it’s hard to get excited!

Why not go shopping for some really attractive sleepwear–for him and for you? When you feel sexier, you’ll tend to see him as sexier. And when he’s in attractive plaid pajamas rather than just some old t-shirt from a charity walk you did together 12 years ago, then that may help with desire at night, too.

9. Focus on technique

Bigger guys can be awesome lovers–and guys who are in awesome shape can be terrible lovers! You don’t need a perfect body to bring your wife to orgasm at all, and if we focused more on perfecting technique, then maybe our bodies would respond more!

So speak up about what you want in bed! If you find that hard to do, check out The Orgasm Course which walks you through all the specific elements that go into women’s sexual response–and has an add-on to help husbands understand, too!

10. Pray about it

Seriously, I know it sounds weird! But if you love your husband; if you’ve got a good marriage; if you want a great sex life–but you just don’t feel anything? Pray! Ask God to give you incredible desire for your husband again. It’s honestly okay to pray about this stuff. I know it seems weird to pray about libido and sex and all that, but God wants you to have an awesome marriage, and He made this part of you. It’s okay to ask for some help!

So there you go–10 ways to reignite that spark and feel more turned on by your hubby!

Instead of trying all 10 things, focus on the 1-2 that spoke the most to you, that sounded like they most resonated with you. That’s likely where you should focus. What could you do in those areas today? Make a quick list, pray about it, and then do it!

What one spoke the most to you? Is there a particular element that’s most related to how you see your husband? Or what would be #11 if you were to add to the list? Let’s talk in the comments!