This week has been taken up by two things: talking about the problems with the “all men struggle with lust” message, and telling you all about our Tea and Tent Pegs event!
It’s time for another edition fo my Friday Round-Up, where I cover what’s been going on on my social media platforms (because lots of the best stuff, and the best conversations, happen there!).
To start, this week I announced our awesome FREE webinar December 6 at 9 pm EST with Kristin Kobes Du Mez, Beth Allison Barr, and me! Hosted by Devi Abraham from the Where Do We Go from Here podcast!
We’re going to do things a little bit differently for the webinar, because instead of just talking about our own books, we’ll also talk about what we found interesting about each other’s! So it won’t just be a rehash of what you’ve heard us say on other podcasts.
1000 people registered in the first 24 hours, so I upped our plan to cover 3000. But once 3000 register, it’s gone. So grab your slot!
And you can always listen to the recording afterwards if you can’t make it live. (But I hope you can, because we’ll have door prizes and more!).
Many have been asking about the name “Tea and Tent Pegs.”
The Tent Pegs reference comes from a story in Judges 4:17-22. Israel is being attacked by its enemies, and Deborah, who is judging Israel, tells Barak, the leader of the army, to fight. Because he hesitates, Deborah tells him that the leader will be killed by a woman.
In the battle, the enemy is routed, and Sisera, the enemy general, escapes. He tries to hide, and passes by a tent where Jael, a woman, beckons him inside. He thinks he’s safe (she’s just a woman, of course), and he lies down to rest. She nails a tent peg through his skull and kills him.
The point of the story? Women who are underestimated will often defeat the enemies of God.
So, yeah, that’s why we’re all Tea and Tent Pegs!
Let’s talk “All Men Struggle with Lust”
I asked on Instagram stories on Monday how the “all men struggle with lust” message affected women, and I had hundreds upon hundreds of heartbreaking answers. I ended up posting about it on Tuesday (even though I said I wasn’t going to post on the blog anymore on Tuesdays!). And then I followed that up with a bigger question about why so many authors think it’s more important that men don’t feel shame about lusting than it is that women are spared these horrible effects. That’s kind of what I was thinking a lot this week, and it spilled over onto my Fixed It For Yous:
Here’s what I found so strange about the conversations we were having. Women were by and large insisting that noticing is not lusting; that many men were feeling guilty for things they shouldn’t. That lust is something that can be overcome, because women do not have the Holy Spirit more than men do.
But then several men kept insisting that this message is shameful for men. The only way men can not feel shame is to feel as if this is a universal problem men have that women will never understand. If you say anything less, you cause men shame. And they were insisting that men do lust, all the time. (to be fair, many men pushed back too).
I find this line of thought strange. If it’s a universal problem, then no one ever achieves victory. So it makes me wonder: is it that they don’t want men to feel shame, or is it that they want to convince themselves they don’t need to get over it, because no man ever can? Seriously, we have to talk about this better.
You may also enjoy:
- Why “Bouncing Your Eyes” Can be Disrespectful to Women
- Can We Respect Women Please and Stop Saying All Men Lust (by Keith)
- The Stumbling Block and Modesty Debate Podcast: Let’s put it to rest for good
- The Noticing and Yoga Pants Podcast
- Do All Men Really Lust? Let’s Look at the Numbers Podcast
And, of course, we cover this at length in chapters 5 and 6 of The Great Sex Rescue! Plus we share our results from our men’s survey in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex–which is available for pre-order now!
The Great Sex Rescue
Changing the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you’re NOT the problem with your sex life?
What if the things that you’ve been taught have messed things up–and what if there’s a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue.
Want almost a SECOND podcast? Plus a look at my granddaughter?
I recorded a half hour Instagram Live where we went over this concept that women are being asked to suffer so that men don’t feel shame–even though what we’re teaching is both unbiblical and unscientific. And I dissected an article by Barbara Rainey claiming that men are barbarians without women to stabilize them (which is such a low view of men!).
Let’s Talk about Aunt Matilda, and My Dedication in The Great Sex Rescue
Many of you may not know what my dedication in The Great Sex Rescue is. It reads:
To The Act of Marriage’s Aunt Matilda, and all the women like her. We see you. We hear you. And we are so, so sorry.
You can watch the video for the story:
Or you can read what I wrote on Facebook:
I dedicated The Great Sex Rescue to Tim LaHaye’s “Aunt Matilda” character from his book The Act of Marriage.
Can I tell you about Aunt Matilda?
She’s central in an anecdote that Tim shares. A young woman is getting married, and her Aunt Matilda tells her that marriage is just legalized rape, and that sex is awful. Aunt Matilda is portrayed as the ANTAGONIST in this story, because she wrecks sex for her niece.
Tim then recounts that Aunt Matilda’s husband stripped & raped her on their wedding night while she fought & screamed.
Tim excuses it, saying her husband was older, clumsy, embarrassed, from the old country, a farmer. (I’m pretty sure most older farmers don’t rape their wives).
And then he talks about Aunt Matilda and her “equally unhappy” husband.
He called the rapist equally unhappy as his rape victim.
The book was written when marital rape was largely not illegal. By the time the 4th edition was published (the one I read), marital rape was illegal pretty much everywhere. But no one thought to remove that story. No one thought “we shouldn’t make Aunt Matilda the bad guy.”
In our survey of evangelical marriage & sex bestsellers for The Great Sex Rescue, we found far too many cavalier, dismissive attitudes towards marital rape.
Aunt Matilda deserved better. YOU deserve better.
No more toxic books.
That’s it for this week! Please remember to support my wonderful sponsor Femallay. They’re a Christian women’s wellness company with a unique take on what products can help women. They have menstrual cups with valves so they can be emptied without always having to be removed. They have vaginal melts that work way better than just lubricants because they actually help nourish the vagina. And so much more! Check them out.
And have a great weekend, everybody!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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