Why We Have to Stop Ignoring the Orgasm Gap by Saying Frequency is all that Matters

by | Jan 11, 2022 | Uncategorized | 44 comments

Orgasm Gap vs Frequency

Once again, Focus on the Family is promoting an article that places the blame on you if your spouse cheats.

They’re advertising an older article on their Facebook page right now where it encourages you to look for “vulnerabilities” in your marriage to see if it’s vulnerable to adultery.

There’s no problem writing an article on signs your spouse may be cheating, or how and why to never consider cheating even if you’re unhappy. AND there’s no problem writing an article about how to prevent drift in marriage (and if that’s what this article was about, the points would have been almost okay). But to frame it as, “If you drift your spouse may have an affair so don’t drift” is problematic. I’ve done this in the past, too, and I’m trying to undo it.

Focus has a history of blaming people for their spouse’s affairs. This does need to stop.

Okay, with that preamble, here’s what I really want to talk about:

Mentioning frequency of sex without EVER mentioning the orgasm gap means you’re prioritizing his experience and ignoring hers.

On Tuesdays I don’t write in depth posts, because it’s my day to get some serious work done. But I do want to just use this as an example of something important.

In the post on preventing affairs, they say this:

 

When physical intimacy diminishes in a marriage, couples are at a higher risk for affairs.

If you find yourselves arguing about sex or the frequency of sex, take this as a warning sign and find out what is going on. Is the culprit fatigue, stress, a medical condition, a mental health issue, loss of emotional connection or something else? Whatever the reason, address the issue before it makes your marriage vulnerable.

To protect your marriage’s physical intimacy, have honest conversations with your spouse about expectations and frequency. Some couples don’t understand that sexual desires can change over the course of a marriage. Different seasons of life and circumstances influence sexual intimacy. Consider, for example, the differences in physical intimacy when comparing a young newlywed couple with no children to a couple with several children, or compare empty nesters in their 50s to couples in their 70s or 80s.

Many couples experiencing difficulty with physical intimacy avoid talking about the problem. God created us to be sexual beings, and staying healthy in this area means we need to regularly tune in to our spouse’s physical needs no matter what season we’re in.

DR. ANGELA BISIGNANO

"HOW TO RECOGNIZE WHERE YOUR MARRIAGE IS VULNERABLE TO AN AFFAIR", Focus on the Family

I talked about this problem a while ago with a Dave Willis article on XO Marriage, but here we see it again in action.

So let’s lay this out.

What is the main problem? Lack of frequency.

What are you supposed to do about it? Talk about it, communicate, and then make sure you meet your spouse’s physical needs no matter what season you are in. 

What might be the things holding you back? “fatigue, stress, a medical condition, a mental health issue, loss of emotional connection…”

Okay, people, and I know I have you super primed right now, but do you notice anything that is missing?

That’s right! No mention of the orgasm gap!

In chapter 3 of The Great Sex Rescue, we showed how we have a 47 point orgasm gap in the evangelical world (and other peer-reviewed research would suggest that’s a larger gap than the general population, likely because, as we found, certain evangelical teachings artificially lower women’s orgasm rates). 95% of men almost always/always orgasm during a sexual encounter, compared to roughly 48% of women.

To not even mention the orgasm gap as a problem is, quite frankly, major negligence.

And it reveals much about how they frame sex, which leads me to Sheila’s Law:

Sheila’s Law

When all someone talks about is the importance of the frequency of sex, and they do not mention the orgasm gap, her pleasure, or intimacy, they show that they believe that sex is really only about a husband’s ejaculation.

Frequency ensures that he climaxes, not that she does. And it tells us nothing about their emotional connection. 

Stressing frequency is a sign that they do not understand sexuality and have chosen to see sex as a male entitlement rather than as something MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH as God intended.

This simply needs to stop. It should no longer be acceptable to tell women to have more sex without FIRST telling couples that sex should feel good for her too.

Frequency is usually a sign that there is something else wrong with the person or with the marriage; it is rarely the problem, in and of itself. To treat it as the problem is to elevate his needs while ignoring hers.

Talk like this is what is CAUSING the orgasm gap as well. We need to ditch our whole mindset when it comes to sex, and start over, and The Great Sex Rescue is a wonderful way to do that.

In the meantime, I take comfort from this: at the time that I’m writing this post, my comment on Focus on the Family’s post has more positive reactions than their whole post!

 

Focus on the Family Article on Divorce

The Great Sex Rescue

Changing the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.

What if you’re NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you’ve been taught have messed things up–and what if there’s a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue.

So that’s at least a little comforting! On Facebook, many are taking issue with this post and pushing back. If we all started doing this, imagine how things could change!

What do you think? How do we normalize talking about the orgasm gap? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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44 Comments

  1. Nathan

    From a quick glance at the post, many of the comments seem to call out the article as well. You seem to be the only one noticing the lack of mention of the orgasm gap, but most (not all, but most) of the responders seem to criticize them for saying that it’s the wife’s fault that the husband cheats.

    Reply
      • Anonymous please

        Is this where comments are anonymous?

        Reply
  2. Jim

    Sheila, it appears that you are letting your past history with Focus on the Family to color your judgement.

    I read the article and nowhere did it blame the wife for the affair in the story that set up the article and that you used as your premise for this post. If I missed it, please show me where it says that the affair was the wife’s fault. The author is very careful to not use language that specifically calls out the husband or the wife.

    The article talks about warning signs that the relationship could be vulnerable to affairs. No where did it say ‘if your spouse has an affair that it is your fault’.

    The main issue that you seem to have is that they did not specifically mention the ‘orgasm gap’. They did mention, and I am quoting the article,

    ‘If you find yourselves arguing about sex or the frequency of sex, take this as a warning sign and find out what is going on. Is the culprit fatigue, stress, a medical condition, a mental health issue, loss of emotional connection or something else?’

    One could easily include the orgasm gap into the ‘something else’ category or in the ’emotional connection’ category since you have often talked about how emotional connection and orgasm are connected.

    The author also says that ‘To protect your marriage’s physical intimacy, have honest conversations with your spouse about expectations and frequency.’ Isn’t that something that is often talked about on this blog and your podcast? Honest conversations would uncover issues that would include an orgasm gap.

    Your whole premise is a semantics argument.

    Reply
    • CMT

      Given the extent of the orgasm gap and the close connection between women not reaching orgasm and eventual decreased frequency of sex, lumping this whole issue under “something else” isn’t just semantics.

      Reply
      • Jim

        Did you expect an exhaustive list in a short article that had 6 points where sex is one point?

        If anything, this is a good article since it has sex as one component of the larger picture of the marriage relationship. To be upset that specific verbiage is not used is nitpicking. This article gives a general overview of potential issues.

        I would call this a one thousand foot/meter view article. If you want more specifics on a particular point, you would need to drill down to get more details. A separate would be more appropriate to better address specifics.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          No, it’s not a good article, Jim. Frequency is not the measure of a healthy sex life. Frequency means that he orgasms; it says absolutely NOTHING about her experience. The real measure of a good sex life is whether it is mutually satisfying, intimate sex. Frequency tells us nothing about that.

          And until we stop talking about frequency as if it’s the measure, we will continue to cause all the problems that we identified in The Great Sex Rescue from our survey of 20,000 women (and verified in our survey of men). When we prioritize the man’s experience of sex (which we do when we use frequency as the measure), all kinds of problems follow. This matters, Jim. I hope you will try to understand. Try to think like a woman who feels used or who doesn’t orgasm, just for a minute, and ask if frequency is the right measure.

          Reply
        • NM

          Well they had time to point out “frequency” as an issue but not “pleasure” or “satisfaction.” So that automatically is prioritizing the husband over the wife. That’s what Sheila is saying. Frequency needs to stop being the measure of a successful sex life because for a woman it is most definitely NOT the most important factor.

          Reply
        • Jane Eyre

          The entire setup is wrong. Imagine a world in which half of marriage consist of a man performing oral sex on his wife until she climaxes, and she does nothing in return. Now imagine an article talking about problems with “frequency of men performing oral sex on women,” which listed some vague things but never that half of husbands get nothing out of the experience.

          Reply
          • Chris

            Jane, you just described my marriage. About once a year my wife and I will have physical intimacy session. Once a year. And let me point out that technically this is a very consistent frequency. It consists of me providing oral and my clothes not even coming off.
            I feel like I understand both sides to this discussion: In one corner we have Sheila saying that frequency = male orgasm and unknown orgasm status of the woman. But in the other corner they are saying without frequency sex cannot improve. And while frequency may or may not lead to better sex for her, infrequency will lead to fewer orgasms for everybody. Is this a fair assessment?
            Also, anyone want to take bets on if “Jim” who comments here on this post is Jim Daly?

    • exwifeofasexaddict

      Given the totality of Focus’ teachings over the decades, Sheila’s conclusion is reasonable. By saying that you can prevent an affair, you are setting up the situation to blame the offended partner when an affair happens– It’s the victim’s fault because they didn’t prevent it. And while the article isn’t gender specific, this advice is very often directed to women.

      Jim, I speak from experience. My ex husband used His Needs Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage to justify his unfaithfulness for 2 decades. In the end, he filed the divorce, and found a way to make it my fault. This isn’t semantics or theoretical harm. It’s real. And Focus on the Family is responsible for a large part of the toxic beliefs both my ex-husband and I entered marriage with. They are bad.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Yes, they were in the top 5 harmful resources named on our survey of 20,000 women, too, mostly from women who had used their advice and found themselves stuck in abusive and adulterous marriages.

        Reply
    • SLS

      Jim,

      A pastor friend of mine once told me that he made a point to preach about the goodness of sex in marriage three times for every sermon he gave on sexual sin.

      This was because the congregation he pastored grew up with the “sex is dirty and awful, save it for the one you love” message.

      In other words in order to correct the false messages his congregation learned growing up he couldn’t be “neutral”. He had to actively point out the falsehoods and speak the truth.

      Same thing here. A person who grew up in the 90s purity culture could easily read that FOTF article as “wife needs to have more sex or her husband will cheat.”

      It’s not enough to just use neutral language here. An author talking about sex needs to correct the common misunderstandings of their audience.

      Reply
      • Jim

        Here is the problem, you are asking for a general marriage article from 2019 to address sex specific issues. As I pointed out before, sex was one of 6 points in this article.

        If this article was addressing sex in marriage, I would agree that it needs to be more specific with the recommendations on that aspect of the relationship.

        The church has been terrible when it comes to messaging regarding that ‘sex is dirty’, often targeted at women, and it needs to course correct. It is great that your pastor friend is working to address this.

        In regards to neutral language, Sheila talked about times when gendered language should be used. This article was good saying that the advice was for both spouses, not just the wife or the husband. The advice is not targeting one or the other, but both.

        It appears that your conclusion is adding more to the article than the words say. This is my main criticism with this post is that the outrage appears to only be justifiable by adding to what is actually said because of who the publisher is.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Again, Jim, they had time to point out frequency, but not pleasure. All frequency measures is whether or not he is having an orgasm. It does not measure her orgasm. It does not measure their emotional connection. Frequency simply elevates his orgasm over anything else.

          That’s why frequency is the WrONG measure. It isn’t that they didn’t have time to say anything else. It’s that they took time to say the wrong thing.

          Reply
          • Jim

            Sheila,
            I have read this post and it does not change my opinion. You have shown that you have a bias against Focus because of how they dismissed you. I am not excusing how they treated you and they should have listened to you and evaluated your criticisms of some of their stances.

            However, your criticism of this article is bringing in that baggage and is not fair based on this article alone. It would be like if there was a literature review of book A from an author and saying that book A is bad because that author wrote book B that was bad.

            Frequency was one part of Point 2 of the article. I have quoted the article several times because I am looking at what the article says, not things that you are adding to it.

            To address your specific issue quoting the article,

            ‘If you find yourselves arguing about sex OR the frequency of sex, take this as a warning sign and find out what is going on.’ (Added emphasis)

            The article says that frequency of sex is a warning sign and to find out what is going on. That would be correct because, as you have said many times, frequency is often a symptom of a bigger problem.

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Jim, I don’t know why this is hard to understand. What they’re saying is that IF YOUR SEX LIFE IS FREQUENT, then you’re not vulnerable to an affair. Because the sign that something is wrong is that sex becomes infrequent.

            Frequency is not the measure, Jim. It’s that easy.

          • Jim

            Sheila,

            You are partially correct. Frequency is not the ONLY measure. Speaking for the guys, a drop in frequency is an easy indicator for us that something is not right. This article agrees since it does not make the heading ‘Vulnerability No 2: Frequency of Sex’. The heading is ‘Vulnerability No. 2: Lack of physical intimacy’ which is a larger bucket than frequency of sex.

            Could one equate the two? Sure. But if you read that entire section, it has frequency as one piece.

            It states that ‘hav(ing) honest conversations with your spouse about expectations AND frequency’ is important and that ‘different seasons of life and circumstances influence sexual intimacy’. This is great since it appears to echo what you have talked about with things like the obligation sex messages and the like. That things do change and that it needs to be talked about and not be forced.

            ‘Many couples experiencing difficulty with physical intimacy avoid talking about the problem. God created US to be sexual beings, and staying healthy in this area means we need to regularly tune in to our spouse’s physical needs no matter what season we’re in.’

            I don’t know about you, but this sounds good to me. I want to be in tune with my spouse and her needs and her with mine. Talking about it is the only way to get there.

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            I think at this point you’re deliberately ignoring the points I’ve made, Jim. It never once talks about her pleasure. Not once. It says that we need to tune into our spouse’s physical needs no matter what season we’re in–which is the obligation sex message. It’s simply written poorly, and I’m not sure why you’re having such a hard time admitting it. You’re accusing me of having bias towards Focus on the Family. Could it be that you have bias too–but in the other direction–so that you can’t see what’s problematic?

          • Jim

            Could I be biased? Sure. I am a broken, sinful, flawed man in desperate need of a Savior. And I acknowledge that they did not specifically talk about her pleasure, but they did not talk about his pleasure either.

            That is not unexpected when the article has 4 total paragraphs on Physical Intimacy and none of the advice is specific.

            The author, a licensed clinical psychologist, even states ‘If you and your spouse are gridlocked on an issue, it may be time to involve a professional.’ That sounds like you, Sheila.

            I pray that you can see that you appear to be making a mountain out of a mole hill with this article and it is not as bad as you are making it out to be.

          • exwifeofasexaddict

            Jim.
            .
            .
            .
            .
            oh never mind. you wouldn’t listen anyway.

          • Renee

            If frequency is the measure, then my marriage is in dire straits but actually, it is not and we are coming up for 21 years. Sex, when it happens, is good and enjoyable, especially since I stopped giving in to sex when I didn’t really feel like it. More often would be nice but for us, sex needs to be mutually desired and if either one is tired/pre-occupied/in pain/grieving the other understands and accepts.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      The reason people cheat is because they chose to cheat. Imagine reading this article as a mom of 3 kids under 4, where you’re so busy trying to keep the house running, and you have a part-time job, and your husband plays video games a lot and watches porn occasionally. And then you find out he had an affair. And you read this article and you learn that it’s because you let yourself grow emotionally distant, and sex became not frequent enough, and all of the other reasons.

      No, people cheat because they choose to cheat.

      If the article had been, “6 signs you’re vulnerable to have an affair YOURSELF” or “6 signs your spouse may be cheating” that would be fine. But to insinuate that you play a role in your spouse having an affair is highly problematic, and they should know better.

      Reply
    • Jess

      I half agree with you Jim, there no indication they are only referring to PIV intercourse and don’t seem to be referring to being unhappy with the sex life itself. But that is an incredibly weird assumption when you’re taking about sex problems. Certainly it should be obvious to look at the quality of sex before looking outside the bedroom! Really should be the first thing to discuss (not “something else”) and it frankly feels gaslight-y to me, trying to point the finger somewhere else because she’s not supposed to have sexual needs.

      Reply
      • Jim

        I’m curious, where in the article does it say that women do not have sexual needs?

        The last paragraph of Point 2 states that ‘God created us(men and women) to be sexual beings, and staying healthy in this area means we need to regularly tune in (understanding)to our spouse’s physical needs no matter what season we’re in.’

        I do not understand that statement to mean that women do not have needs. Please explain to me why that is?

        I know that some of you are getting annoyed with me but I am trying to understand why this article is making so many angry when the statements attacking it do not match what is written in the article.

        Reply
        • Jo R

          Let’s imagine a couple where the husband needs five minutes of stimulation to orgasm. Every day, his wife gives him thirty seconds of stimulation, then just stops.

          Good frequency, so I guess he’ll have no cause to complain about his sex life, right?

          But I’m guessing he’ll complain mightily, and he probably will do so the very first time it happens. Or rather, doesn’t happen. And if every single sexual encounter proceeded the same way–not anywhere near enough stimulation to achieve orgasm–what will he do? I don’t think he’ll placidly sit by and just silently hope for more, either more encounters or more time at each encounter.

          Women are taught–TAUGHT–that women don’t need sex they way men do, that women should be glad for the emotional connection that pleasureless penetration supposedly provides, that women should make their husbands think they’re great lovers, even when they’re not. And God forbid–literally, according to some of the books–that wives attempt to educate their husbands in the bedroom. 🙄🙄🙄

          (And has anyone else ever noticed that making your husband think he’s good in bed when he’s not is actually bearing false witness? Pretty sure there’s a commandment about that.)

          Reply
  3. Melanie

    It’s not even just the lack of mention of the orgasm gap. It’s the fact that we still view marriage as transactional. It starts out as a “lifelong sleepover with your best friend” and then kids come along and, especially if she’s breastfeeding exclusively and is able to stay home, she picks up a massive amount of responsibility while he changes a few diapers and takes the baby when she hands him off. But boys “aren’t supposed” to play with dolls so the caregiver role isn’t natural. And then kids come to prefer mom and unless dad takes initiative it means mom never gets a minute off until they’re grown, while he’s only really on at work.

    If men want a happy wife all they really need to do is make sure not only the bed isn’t one sided, but take on some of the mental load. And learn to do chores properly. And I don’t mean nitpicky things like putting decorative pillows where they go. I mean getting all the dirt when you sweep so that the wife doesn’t feel like she has to do all the actual cleaning. A job half done being better than not at all only flies when you’re a child and still learning, or are just doing a quick wipe down before making another mess.

    Reply
    • Jim

      I agree that some of the messaging about marriage needs to change. I hate how people say that marriage is 50/50. No! It is 100/100 because there are times that one spouse may not be able to give as much as before. It is then the responsibility of the other spouse to pick up the slack. And this goes both ways.

      Personally, after child birth, my wife was not able to do as much because she needed to focus on the baby. I picked up the slack and did as much as I could while juggling other responsibilities or even giving up normal activities for a time.

      She did the same for me when I went back to school for my MBA. She took on more while I was doing assignments that would often take me into the early morning hours.

      What allowed this to happen was communication. This article talks about honest communication and setting expectations. I often think that unrealistic expectations is a major factor in marital conflict.

      Reply
  4. Emily

    “Sheila’s Law,” I love it. It’s so encouraging to see how people in the comments are calling out this article. Thanks for doing the work that you do, Sheila!

    Reply
  5. Diana

    Keep calling this stuff out, Sheila! You’re doing a good work. The more we raise a ruckus over this garbage, the more people will realize that groups like FOTF need to be held accountable for what they preach. Thank you for everything you do!

    Reply
  6. RecoveringSA

    I need advice. I am recovering from SA. 3 years + sober/clean.
    How do I know when it’s ok to return to sexual activity with my spouse?

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’d strongly recommend seeing a licensed counselor to help you through that. Many recommend a fast of 90 days to reset things, and work on non-sexual touch and communication during that time. If you’ve been clean for three years, then that’s likely good. But it also depends on whether you mean that your style of viewing sex and women has changed, or whether it’s simply that you haven’t watched porn. I’d recommend Michael John Cusick’s book Surfing for God about that.

      Also, if your wife has significant betrayal trauma, you must proceed at her pace. If she’s struggling, she should likely see a counselor as well.

      And WAY TO GO for quitting. That’s amazing! I hope that you’re able to rebuild in your marriage.

      Reply
  7. Anonymous

    I think what Jim described is wonderful and I wish I had been in such a marriage. And his experience explains why he doesn’t “get” why the FOTF article is so frustrating. He and his wife communicate with a goal of supporting the other… whatever feeling supported means from the other’s perspective. In that kind of marriage, communication clears out the gunk and helps the couple align.

    For those of us who experienced a spouse who negotiated in bad faith, always focused on what they were getting (a “transactional “ relationship, as mentioned above) the article is infuriating. When words are weaponized in the relationship, articles like this are used to brow beat.

    In that kind of marriage, another problem of using frequency as a measure of satisfaction is that frequency is a quantitative term but the article never quantifies it. What is the magic number of “enough”? 5? 10? A day? A month? A year? But that’s a trick question because there is no objective answer to that question. Because there is no one “rule”. It’s “enough” when the “couple” says it is. When each member is satisfied.

    A spouse who uses words as weapons claims that sex is not often enough and is never wrong in making the request (because there is no rule) and, therefore, can also never be wrong in using that as the reason for infidelity.

    The concept of frequency becomes the straw man logical fallacy (I think that’s what it’s called), the basis for everything that is wrong in the marriage. But really, the conversation never goes anywhere because there is no intent to come to “enough” for the couple, just to get to “as much as I want.”

    Mentioning frequency at all implies an objective standard. Following that with the words, but you have to talk it out, still implies a negotiation toward an objectively determined universal standard, but there is none so it cannot be done.

    Articles like this are bad for marriages because nowhere in the Bible is there an objectively quantifiable standard for being a Christ follower, for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, or self control.

    If anything, articles should be teaching couples how to support each other as Jim described, through all of the challenges of life, without keeping score, come what may.

    Reply
  8. Susan

    As a survivor of a marriage that was filled with emotional and spiritual abuse that ended because of emotional, and potentially though not admitted physical, affairs, I have to chime in:

    Frequency of sex has zero to do with whether a spouse cheats or not. For many years, I bought my husband’s lies that he required sex every day in order to stay faithful. This was a man who actually commented on one of your blog posts many years ago something like “Christian men only get married to have guilt-free sex any time they want it.” (You thankfully tried to set him straight on that one.) Now that I’m in a healthy relationship with a man who I know loves me, the difference is earth-shattering.

    Thank you Sheila for championing this whole issue. The effects of years of emotional abuse like this are not easily healed. But I do want to add this: Even addressing the orgasm gap doesn’t get to the point of the issue. For years, I had sex with my (now ex-) husband almost every day. I happen to be the opposite of a woman with vaginismus. I orgasm easily and often. Not only did it not keep him from cheating, but I never felt connected to him. In fact, he used the fact that I orgasm often as part of how he made me feel guilty for not wanting sex all the time (multiple times a day was his true wish). The difference is the reason for having sex. It did not flow out of any feeling of connection outside the bedroom. It was an obligation that I fulfilled while stuffing hurt down inside me for the emotional abuse I was enduring. Physically it was satisfying to both of us. But there was zero connection or love in it.

    If anyone reads this and identifies with it, please know you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. Even your own orgasms aren’t the litmus test for a healthy sex life or marriage.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      YES! That’s why we need to stress the three-fold nature of sex always: MUTUALITY, INTIMACY, and PLEASURE. If you miss one, you’re changing the very nature of sex. If you miss intimacy, then it doesn’t matter how much she’s orgasming; marriage will still be problematic (and that’s what our numbers found too).

      I’m so sorry about your marriage. I really am. And I’m glad I did chime in on your husband’s comment!

      Reply
      • Susan

        You’ve helped me in so many ways. I’m one of the ones (because I feel there’s probably many) who usually reads your posts on Facebook and gains healing and hope from it without commenting. I’m careful about even reacting to your posts because, after being married for 18 years, his family is still my family and therefore FB friends. And at least one of his family is an avid follower of yours also, so it’s just awkward. I say all that to let you know that you have a lot more positive impact than you know. Your response to my ex-husband years ago was a large part of the catalyst for me to wake up and realize the truth of what I was allowing in my life.

        So, thank you.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Oh, my goodness. Really? Okay, that’s a great encouragement. I’ve never really known that my comments make that much of a difference. Thank you! I shall pray over my comments more and try to answer them more.

          Reply
    • exwifeofasexaddict

      I also had a marriage where I orgasmed more often than not, but never had intimacy. I now realize my ex is not capable of intimacy. The kicker? He believes he is more emotionally mature than me, and a month after our divorce (maybe sooner) he had a dating profile saying the was emotionally mature and ready for an emotionally mature relationship. Lol.

      Reply
  9. Sad Wife

    I need advice. I recently celebrated my 15th anniversary. I was a virgin when I married and honestly we have never had a good sex life. In the beginning the passion and kissing was there but my husband became a very selfish lover and over time as he realized thus through talking he changed his heart but the probably later became his all consuming weight issue- he is 6 feet tall but over 500 lbs. He is embarrassed and ashamed and frankly so am I. We cannot physically have sex now due to his weight and though he promises to change, I doubt if he will. It’s so depressing to even try to have any type of encounter that I end up feeling sexually abandoned and rejected because he simply says it’s not possible after a few minutes and then leaves. We have a good friendship otherwise but honestly I have never felt married in the sexual sense because I’m just sort of forgotten. How do I overcome this? Is it wrong if I just say that I don’t even want to try anymore until he loses weight? He continues to try but it’s clear that it’s physically impossible.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, Sad Wife, I’m so sorry! I think it’s vitally important that your husband get a handle on his weight (I know that’s easier said than done, but this is a big long-term issue that is only going to get worse, and it will impact far more than your sex life). I would really suggest seeing a licensed therapist as well. And sometimes food issues do have emotional roots, so him seeing someone may also help with weight loss. This is a difficult thing, and it may be better to not attempt sex if it’s not going to work until he’s lost weight. Is he willing to do other things? There are sexual things you can do other than intercourse?

      Reply

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