Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?

by | Sep 20, 2024 | Making Sex Feel Good | 16 comments

When she can't reach orgasm

Maybe orgasm is elusive because we’re going about it wrong.

I’m pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they’re going to head right to Module 4.

That’s where we talk about sexual technique and how to figure out arousal and orgasm. That’s where we go over erogenous zones and how most women like to be touched and what tends to make her feel good!

And that’s all well and good, because there’s great specific information in Module 4, and a lot of encouragement to get you there!

But there’s also a reason that sexual technique is Module 4, not Module 1.

For most (but not all) women, technique is not the main issue.

The problems with reaching orgasm are not only about figuring out how to touch her right. Technique can certainly help, and it’s super important. But it’s not the main thing.

And it’s especially not the first thing.

Feeling sexual pleasure has a mental component and a physical component.

For great sex, we have to:

  • mentally feel in a “sexy” frame of mind, ready to embrace sex and excited to experience pleasure;
  • and then we also have to physically get the right stimulation.

For many women, the problems with orgasm come not with the physical part, but with the mental part.

When you feel badly about sex; when you feel like sex is an obligation; when you feel hopeless about your body’s ability to respond–sex just isn’t going to work.

But not just that–when you have a hard time relaxing and listening to your body because your mind is filled with all kinds of other messages from other areas of your life, it’s going to be hard to respond sexually, too! When we have negative body image; when we’re super stressed; when we’re sad; when we’re overwhelmed; when our hormones are totally and completely out of whack, then orgasm is going to be more difficult.

In the Orgasm Course, then, we help women go through all the different things that could be holding that mental component of orgasm hostage. What’s stopping you from feeling sexual confidence and sexual desire? What’s stopping your sexual response?

If you’re like most women, there’s often not just one thing blocking orgasm.

It’s all kinds of things (that’s why we’re so complicated!). And to help women figure out which one relates best to them, we’ve created five “characters” that are composites of so many of the stories that we hear that can help them relate to their roadblocks and see them more easily. One of them–The Engineer–is someone who has learned that boys will always try to push boundaries and sex now feels unsafe, so she analyzes everything rather than just relaxing into sex.

But all of the characters share one common roadblock, which really is the biggest one:

The biggest roadblock to orgasm is quite simple:

We think that sex = intercourse, and anything else is “extra” or “bonus”. 

We emphasize the husband’s best route to orgasm, while de-emphasizing the wife’s. And because we equate sex with intercourse, then we feel as if we are all required to have intercourse–an act which makes him feel good–but we aren’t required to do foreplay or bring her to orgasm in other ways, because that’s “extra”.

And if intercourse is the main thing, and if that’s what she thinks she needs to do because she’s believed messages like “I’m obligated to give him sex because I can’t deprive him” or “I need to have sex with him or he’ll be tempted to lust or watch porn”, then she can end up feeling selfish if he’s trying to stimulate her in other ways and it’s taking too long. She feels like she’s being selfish; she’s being an impediment; her body isn’t working.

After all, he reaches orgasm so easily. What’s wrong with her? Why can’t she catch up? Why doesn’t her body respond the way his does?

Even if he doesn’t see sex this way, these are often messages that she has internalized which make it very hard for her to advocate for her own pleasure; ask for what feels good; or even figure out what feels good! She’s so focused on doing sex “right” that she isn’t able to relax and enjoy it and listen to her body. And so she feels like she’s broken.

We take his experience of sex as being the norm because it tends to be more automatic, and her experience is seen as a problem that needs to be solved.

In the Orgasm Course, we want to change all that.

Her orgasm is not a problem to be solved but an experience to discover. There is nothing wrong with her if she takes a while to get warmed up. There’s nothing wrong with her if the things that bring him pleasure are not the same things that bring her pleasure.

And she is not selfish for wanting and needing different stimulation.

I hear from so many men who would LOVE to help their wives feel good, but their wives can’t relax because they feel as if their pleasure is somehow wrong, or as if their bodies just don’t work, so they’d prefer for him to just hurry it up and get it over with.

That doesn’t sound fun for anybody.

And then we hear from so many women who would love to feel good and figure out what their bodies want, but their husbands don’t understand that they need to slow down and try different things.

No matter what the dynamic is in your marriage, we hope we can help you figure out what is holding orgasm back–so that you can actually open the floodgates!

And we’ve created two different versions of The Orgasm Course to do just that!

The women’s edition takes women through self-assessment exercises to identify harmful beliefs they may have about sex; to identify how relationship elements may be stopping orgasm; to identify if their physical or emotional health may be hurting them. Seriously, it’s hard to orgasm when your mental load is so intense from all the concerns of the household and you can’t turn them off!

But most of all, we assure women that it’s good and okay to want to feel good and to take time to listen to your body.

The men’s edition goes through this one big belief that may hold women back (whether she holds it or he holds it!), and the one big attitude shift that men can make that can unlock orgasm for her, while taking him through a self-assessment exercise to figure out how he can help lift any blocks she has to orgasm, too.

And then, of course, everyone gets to the fun part of technique!

Right now, until Monday at midnight, you get the men’s version for free when you buy the women’s version. It’s $49, instead of the normal $69 for both together. 

So often when we try to reach orgasm we do this backwards.

We focus on technique when she still feels like she’s being selfish and broken for taking so long, and he can’t figure out why she needs all this anyway. We focus on technique before we’ve figured out how to help her feel relaxed in the first place. We focus on where to touch before we’ve focused on how to help her experience real arousal.

Instead, let’s start in the right place, and build from there.

Then technique isn’t just flipping, bopping, or rubbing the right way. It’s not just moving 1/4″ to the left. It’s actually listening to her body WANT something, because she’s already aroused. She already feels close to her husband. She already knows that this is something she wants, desires, and deserves.

So check out The Orgasm Course!

What’s been your biggest roadblock to orgasm? Is it something you defeated? Let’s talk in the comments!

Written by

Sheila Wray Gregoire

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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16 Comments

  1. Jane Eyre

    My biggest roadblock: my husband, who thinks that his penis is magic and I should be wailing in ecstasy at the mere thought of it. My husband, who is 100% unwilling to initiate sex more than 10 minutes before I’m asleep. My husband, who doesn’t understand that being a POS to me about my body will affect my enjoyment (or if he finally does, berates me about needing therapy to fix the mess HE made).

    Turns out I waited for marriage because of God’s law, and he waited so I wouldn’t figure out how selfish he is in bed.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’m so sorry, Jane. So very sorry.

      Reply
      • Jean

        My husband has been clean from a decades-long porn addiction for over 10 years now, but he’s still a critical, whinging narcissist. Not a great mood-maker. He’s “tried everything,” except what he needs – therapy – which could help turn an okay/good marriage into a great one, and help us both get what we really want.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          That’s so sad! Yes, it’s not just about quitting porn, but looking into what set you up for that problem in the first place, and the long term impact it’s had on you.

          Reply
    • EOF

      I’m so sorry, Jane. He sounds a lot like my STBX who used to brag about his “success rate” (because I’d been told by church ladies to “fake it until you make it”) and he also yelled at me that how he treated me outside the bedroom had nothing to do with what happened inside the bedroom and that I better get with the program. He also groped me and demanded sex anytime I wore leggings, and also made me have sex with him if I went out with friends.

      I spent decades wondering why I saved myself for this. The sexual prosperity gospel is full of lies. It also teaches men to be self-serving, entitled, demanding misogynists who ruin the lives of their wives.

      It took me a long time to understand that this kind of treatment was breaking marriage vows. The book The Lifesaving Divorce goes into that and is a great resource.

      Reply
      • Anonymous305

        That’s horribly abusive on his part, so sad you went through that!! I bet you wish you’d found the Life-Saving Divorce sooner ☹️❤️☹️!! I’d like to scream at him the way he screamed at you‼️

        Reply
    • Anonymous305

      That sounds worse than my ex, it must be horrible to be still living with him ☹️❤️☹️‼️

      I relate to the part where I waited for marriage to obey God, but I’m not sure if my ex had the same reason. I’d like to believe he cared about God’s will, but he conveniently hid the fact that he’d give me the silent treatment whenever I got a vaginal infection after marriage.

      Reply
  2. Devastated

    Believing that feeling good is bad for a woman

    Reply
    • Nathan

      For me, that was ASTOUNDING that some people actually teach that: That women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex in any way. They’re ONLY supposed to enjoy the fact that they’re serving and pleasing their husbands, and that any happiness they feel for themselves is sinful. I’m glad I was never taught that. Hopefully, I would have been able to overcome it if I had.

      Reply
    • Anonymous305

      So sorry you absorbed that belief ☹️❤️☹️‼️

      Reply
  3. Nessie

    Simply wanted to say I think this statement is just so beautiful, and I hope more marriages in future will live it out, “Her orgasm is not a problem to be solved but an experience to discover. “

    Reply
  4. Jo R

    So let me see if I understand (always dicey, me being a woman and all).

    Spouse A provides to spouse B’s “sexual response organ” the type of stimulation that B needs to orgasm.

    If that particular stimulation does not induce an orgasm in A, then B should provide to A’s “sexual response organ” whatever stimulation is effective so that A can also orgasm during the encounter, right? Right??

    What am I missing here?

    If B persists in being unwilling to give A the necessary and effective stimulation, why is A required to continue providing the particular stimulation B needs?

    I think we all know why.

    Until B is willing to look beyond B’s own “sexual response organ,” no amount of effort in learning on A’s part will make a hill of beans’ worth of difference. So that’s the FIRST problem that needs solving.

    If THAT problem is solved, then yes, the course is great!

    (I see you, Jane Eyre, and my heart absolutely breaks for you.)

    Reply
  5. Russell

    Seriously, unless you’re trying to make babies, forget intercourse. It has nothing to recommend it.

    With intercourse I could basically never keep myself from getting ahead of her. Take intercourse out of the picture, and it’s easy to keep in step arousal-wise.

    Also, my wife’s body is intensely interesting to me. There is nothing I would rather do than spend a good long time giving her body any sort of attention she might want. And getting her there is exciting enough for me that, once she’s done, I can be there myself in an instant. Just pop a sock on to avoid a mess and rub against her approximately 0.5 times. (TMI, I’m sure, but why don’t we ever talk about the basic unfairness of leaving her with all the mess?)

    We don’t have to do it the same way lizards do. Because we are not lizards. People sharing a meal together are doing something fundamentally different from cows eating grass together. We’re using a basic animal need as a way to meet a uniquely human need for connection. And we don’t serve the blandest, easiest food possible; we show how much we care about that connection by taking the time to prepare dishes that we hope will delight. How much more should sex be like that!

    Reply
  6. Elna

    I’m not sure the orgasm course will help until we deal with past wounds and current alcohol addiction. My husband and I have been recipients of most of the bad teaching you talk about in the book and more.
    Purity for girls but not necessarily for boys, gate keeping, more marital sex to control lust and porn and prevent affairs, men need sex are all ingrained.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yes, we talk a lot about those messages and the effects they have on people.

      Reply
  7. Too Late

    I waited 28 years to finally tell my husband I wasn’t happy with the frequency (rare) with sex (he has very low desire), and ask for it to be any other time than in the AM when I am most tired and don’t respond well. After that, he waited several months before he would even touch me again. And now, a few years later, it’s really too late as he has ED and even pills don’t seem to help. 🙁

    Reply

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