I think it’s time to talk more about orgasm!
We spend a lot of time at Bare Marriage showing how BAD teaching can lead us to really bad outcomes–no sexual pleasure; distance in marriage; even sexual pain.
But we don’t just want to show you what can mess you up. We also want to help you experience AWESOME marriages! We root out the bad stuff so that we can build up the good stuff.
We do that in our books, like The Great Sex Rescue and our Guides to Great Sex. But we also do it in our courses–our Boost Your Libido course and our Orgasm course.
And this week, I’d like to zero in on some of our findings related to orgasm, and show you how orgasm works, if it’s something you’ve struggled with.
We talked about this a lot in the fall of 2020, but so many of you found me AFTER that. So I’d like to revisit this and summarize our new research and say some really important things, because I know a lot of you still feel stuck.
So in this post, I’d like to get started with a basic overview of our findings related to orgasm, and then in later posts this week we’ll look at some specific issues! (And I’ll be sharing a lot of older posts on my social media, so follow me on Instagram and on our new Facebook page!). Now let’s get started with the basics.
Marital satisfaction is related to sexual satisfaction
In short, the better your marriage, the more likely she is to orgasm. During our study looking at the results from more than 20,000 women, we looked at what beliefs women tend to have that can impact orgasm rates–and cause them to plummet.
One of the most striking revelations from our research for The Great Sex Rescue is the existence of a significant orgasm gap between men and women. The statistics are alarming: approximately 95% of men almost always orgasm during sex, compared to only about 48% of women. This 47 point orgasm gap is a major issue that we’ve been analyzing in depth.
But why does this gap exist, and more importantly, how can we close it?
Keys to Women’s Sexual Satisfaction
Our co-author and statistician, Joanna Sawatsky, has shared some enlightening insights that she came across during our research. Here are some key factors that can enhance women’s orgasm rates:
1. Healthy Marriages Lead to Better Orgasms
Women who feel their opinions matter as much as their husbands’ are 2.26 times more likely to orgasm frequently. This finding highlights the importance of mutual respect and communication in a marriage.
2. Obligation Kills Orgasm
Women who have “duty sex” or sex out of obligation are 3.75 times less likely to frequently orgasm. The more women orgasm, the more they enjoy sex, and that pleasure during sex turns it from an obligation into a mutually satisfying experience.
3. Beliefs Impact Orgasms
Harmful beliefs impact women’s sexual pleasure. For instance, women who believe that boys will push their sexual boundaries or that lust is every man’s battle are significantly less likely to orgasm frequently. These beliefs create a mindset that often leads to fear and hypervigilance, hampering sexual enjoyment.
Women’s pleasure shouldn’t be an afterthought
One of the most profound issues is not what many Christian books say about sex, but what they don’t say. Many books emphasize men’s need for sex but neglect to mention women’s right to enjoy it too. This omission leads many women to internalize the belief that their pleasure is secondary.
For example, the book “For Women Only” advises women that what men really need is to feel like you’re an enthusiastic lover, and so women are told that it’s very important for them to reassure their husbands during sex, going so far as to say that “know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone.”
This creates an environment where women’s discomforts and needs are ignored.
When women’s pleasure isn’t even mentioned, then it can make it sound like it’s really not that important; not the main thing. And then couples won’t prioritize her orgasm; they’ll prioritize his. When she doesn’t reach orgasm, it will be assumed “Oh, she just doesn’t like sex” or “she just isn’t sexual” or even “she’s broken.” They won’t realize that they just never actually learned how to give her pleasure!
Sexual Pain matters
Sexual pain, like vaginismus, affects many women and often goes ignored in conversations or teaching about sex.
Our study was actually the first to measure vaginismus in a large scale evangelical sample, and our work has been used as continuing education credits for pelvic floor physiotherapists. This is an area where we’ve been groundbreaking–because far too much advice about sex for evangelicals has told women how crucial it is for them to have sex at least every 72 hours, without ever mentioning that sexual pain disorders exist.
Vaginismus, a condition where penetration is painful or impossible due to involuntary muscle contractions, affects over 22% of evangelical women. Early intervention, such as seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist, can be transformative for many women who suffer from this condition (and other similar conditions).
For Those Struggling with Sexual Pain
Please be aware that pain during sex does not have to be the norm for you. There are specialists who can help like pelvic floor specialists. It may also be helpful for you and your husband to redefine sex together. Understand that sex isn’t just about penetration. Explore other ways to connect and find pleasure together while addressing the pain.
How big a problem is orgasm for women?
In our survey of 20,000 married women, we asked women how often they reached orgasm.
How often do married evangelical women reach orgasm?
- 48% of married women reached orgasm all or almost all of the time.
- 33% of married women never or rarely reached orgasm
- 19% of married women intermittently reached orgasm
Here’s what I want you to know: Many of those 48% of women who reach orgasm consistently today did not start out in the 48% category.
Many started out in the 33% category.
We talked to so many women in our focus groups who used to have a hard time with orgasm–but don’t anymore.
If you have trouble reaching orgasm, just know–lots of other women do, too. But with the right information, and with a change in perspective, things can shift for you!
If you’re in the 33%, we want to help you get in the 48%.
Sex is meant to be a deeply intimate and mutually satisfying experience. As we continue to break down harmful myths and empower women with knowledge, we hope to foster healthier, happier marriages that celebrate pleasure for both partners.
And that’s why we created The Orgasm Course. We initially launched this program in fall of 2020 after our revolutionary study on Christian women and sexuality.
The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!
Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
The Orgasm Course can help you discover arousal and learn why orgasm has been elusive–and how to finally get everything to click!
Are you ready to learn how to unlock sexual pleasure and finally experience sex the way God intended us to? Click here to learn more and to sign up!
This week, as we talk more about orgasm, we’re The Orgasm Course on sale.
When you buy it for $49, you’re also going to get the men’s version for free. So you’ll have both the info to help you figure out how your body works, and he’ll hear the messages he needs to hear that we’ve found are crucial for women’s pleasure.
So check it out! And stay tuned this week as we share more about what we’ve learned in our studies, and as we’ve scoured the peer reviewed literature.
We need to bridge that gap–so let’s do it!
The Orgasm Series:
- You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
- The Orgasm Podcast
- 5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
- What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm
- How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm?
- Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm
- 10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
- 5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the "Orgasm Gap"
- The Orgasm Course Launch
- Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm
As someone who started in the 33% and moved to the 48%, I was someone who really liked sex-still do. However, it became less and less about “making love” over the years and more and more about just the physical side of things. Why? Because when I looked into my then-husband’s eyes, I saw calculation, not love. Calculation and lust, I should say. That shocked me…so I kept my eyes closed and just concentrated on the pleasurable feelings. So, I was in the 48%, but came to realize that he always brought me there so he could do what he wanted with me. He denied that I was an object, but I felt used.
I guess my point is that I really like how you emphasize that a sex life should be ‘mutual, intimate and pleasurable for both’. And I think I’ve figured out that if it’s only ‘pleasurable for both’ and doesn’t hit the other two measurements, it’s still not a good sex life. It became manipulation on his part, which was abusive towards me. And that’s why these stats have confused me in the past. I wonder if you can talk about this side of it a little? It may not apply to very many people, though. I’m not sure. Perhaps on the part of one of the partners needing to focus on the physical pleasure side of things when the other two measurements aren’t there could be related to arousal-non-concordance? Or a survival strategy? Or a dissociation strategy? (I do have a therapist to work through these things with, but thought I’d comment).
I am very thankful for your work. It has been integral for my freedom from this ‘marriage’ and starting to learn healthy ways to view sex.
(Hope this made sense)
Yes! Very much so! It needs all three. I’ve spoken to women who experienced marital rape and they reached orgasm. But it was still coercion.
Orgasm, in and of itself, is not enough.
Yes, absolutely! That’s why down deep it always felt off and that this did not fit with a Christian couple who glorified God in their marriage. It was confusing for so many years. And I felt like I couldn’t get out because of so many harmful messages around divorce, but now I’m free and continuing to learn!
You make perfect sense to me. I orgasmed nearly every time my ex would actually have sex with me, but it was not an intimate act, and not particularly mutual either (he just wanted to get it over with), and it seemed like I worked really hard physically to attain the orgasm (if that makes sense!) So I do not have any particularly good memories of sex; and while I *think* I still like it, I really wonder if it’s worth finding out. (I mean, I’d have to find a date, too, and that just sounds like a lot of work anyway!) I’m sorry for both of us; being robbed that way is so frustrating.
I’m in the 48% with an ideal experience. But I think some key things made it possible:
1) Our first experience was very, very safe and he did everything possible to prioritize my comfort and enjoyment. That set up my body to see sex as enjoyable.
2) Once we figured out my body (it took about 2 weeks), we haven’t looked back since. I get there every time because he prioritizes me over himself.
3) He treats me like a queen both in and out of the bedroom. So when we get together, even if my libido is trash, I want nothing more than to be close to him.
4) We’re chill about the ups and downs. Seasons with newborns and kids who don’t sleep? Whatever. We’ll have sex when we can, make the most of it, and know that we can renew more frequent or passionate intimacy as the seasons change. Taking the pressure off ourselves and each other keeps sex enjoyable, instead of an obligation.
Mutual respect, gentleness, and selflessness has given us a satisying love life–even in some truly difficult seasons! I wish every couple had this experience!
I love that!
And your experience is very much what studies have found, too. When you get started well, things tend to go well. But if you don’t get started well, and you don’t address it soon, it can just be a lot harder to fix things!
Women have orgasms?
Believe it or not…
Hugs if you want them.
I know this has been so hard for you, Jane! I’m sorry.
At last! A happy topic!
I think we needed one after last week 🙂 … not that last week wasn’t extremely necessary.
All we need to do is switch these abysmal orgasm numbers to men to see just how ridiculous the situation is.
If men had these orgasm rates, there would be bitching galore about the situation, there would be scientific studies out the wazoo, the amount of money spent to fix it would be enormous.
But since it’s just women who are living this situation, meh. No big deal, it’s just the way things are, no improvement necessary, no study needed, and spending money on the situation? I don’t think so.
Because we all know all those super-pesky verses about do unto others and loving your neighbor and seeking the good of others don’t apply to any relationships except those between men. They certainly don’t apply to relationships between men and women, and they especially don’t apply to that particular relationship called marriage.
And to forestall the obligatory “not all men” response, don’t say that to women who have been DEPRIVED for literally centuries. Men need to own this situation and clean it up themselves. Because men for the most part only listen to other men. The only thing women can do in this situation is to ACT, and the best action is to decline relationships with men. Because there is literally no way to know if a given man is going to change from an apparently sweet and caring man to a selfish, self-centered jerk as soon as the “I do’s” are exchanged.
Is that harsh? You bet. It’s also observationally true in waaaaayyy too many cases.
If it’s any consolation…we’ve got peer reviewed studies coming out in the next year about this! (Big announcement coming soon!)
Another consolation is that it’s not just “Christian” men that do the ol’ switcheroo after saying “I do.”
I’ve been on enough secular blogs to see that it’s common “out there in the world” as well. My “favorite” was a couple that lived together for four years, they did everything equally (cooking, cleaning, house maintenance), then as soon as they married, he became a self-crowned king who expected his wife to handle all those chores by herself.
If even in THAT situation, a four-year test drive, the man hid his duplicity (or whatever we want to ascribe it to) completely, how in the world can a woman thoroughly vet a supposedly “Christian” man via six months of dating?
Short answer is, she can’t. It’s a complete crap shoot, emphasis on crap.
And people wonder why so many widows are not particularly interested in marrying again, while so many widowers are.