When we change our minds, we rarely do it all at once.
Over the last decade, Keith and I have changed our minds about a lot of things. But we’ve done it at different rates, and it’s been messy.
We’re pretty much at the same place today, but in some areas he beat me to the finishing line, and in other places I beat him. And when you’re standing there, looking back at your partner, it can be frustrating that they’re not up there with you.
But some people need a longer time to change beliefs about certain things. Change rarely happens instantaneously.
When you realize you’re wrong about something, you often have to go through several stages to get to the end of what I’d call the “deconstruction journey.”
Here’s how I conceptualize that deconstruction journey:
This is just me thinking first thing in the morning, so this isn’t an academic model or anything like that. But I think there are different stages that one goes through on the deconstruction journey of any belief. And it likely looks roughly like this:
The Deconstruction Journey
- Actively Causing Harm: Acting abusive; discriminating; encouraging others to discriminate; being entitled, etc.
- No longer causing harm: You’re not actively doing anything negative anymore and you’ve stopped feeling entitled in interpersonal relationships
- Recognizing the harm done: You start to recognize how you’ve been complicit in certain things, or how you have personally hurt people
- Repenting of the harm done: You feel deeply that what you did was wrong and you make amends
- Understanding the roots of harm: You understand why you acted the way you did, and how there were roots to your particular harm that impact other areas of life as well. You see the bigger picture.
Again, this isn’t meant to be an academic model, and there are likely other steps, and they may not happen on the line right where I said they did. I just want, for the purposes of our discussion today, to acknowledge that one rarely goes from 0% to 100% overnight. There are often different steps, different stops, along the way, and often people have to sit at those stops for a while to fully embrace them, so that they are able to move to the next one.
Here’s my question: Can we celebrate those who aren’t at 100% yet?
Like, can we celebrate those who are somewhere along the line beyond “not causing harm anymore”, even if they’re not totally at the end of it?
I would like to think so. And I would like to make my case today for what that may look like.
We live in an increasingly polarized world.
We’ve seen that vividly this weekend.
And in a polarized world, if you’re not 100% with me, then you’re part of the problem and I won’t accept you. It’s very unhealthy in politics, because it’s hard to get anything done, even when there’s broad agreement on much, because often the most vocal are on either end.
It leads to animosity and hatred between people, and villainization of others.
Here’s what I’ve realized:
If I want people to believe healthy things, I need to honor them at different stages of the journey, and celebrate the journey.
Yes, there’s a place to call people further along the journey, and to challenge others. But once someone has crossed the threshold where they recognize the harm done and they’re not doing it anymore, even if they don’t understand their part in the bigger picture, or the roots of it, we need to be able to honestly be happy that they’re further along than they used to be.
I don’t think I always do this well.
In fact, I’m quite sure I don’t. But this month on the podcast I’ve had people who are all in different places than me, and I’ve tried to celebrate all of them, and I think they’ve tried to celebrate me (because some of them may think that I’m not as far along the spectrum as they are). I think the fact that people are asking questions about “am I causing harm? Am I being entitled?” is a victory in and of itself, even if they don’t see the total picture.
It’s like this: I want to be the kind of person who can be giddy and celebrate when a complementarian church reads through The Great Sex Rescue, and tells the people in their small group, “it’s okay, you can believe what she says about sex without being an egalitarian.”
I know of so many churches that have done this, and I hear about them on a weekly basis. And I’m thrilled! Are they as far along the spectrum as I would like? No. But people have to move at different paces, and once someone starts to move, they often keep going. (And the slippery slope argument goes in the other direction too!)
This matters especially in online communities.
In person I’d have a bit different advice, and we’ll get to that in a minute.
But often people process this journey online. They go out seeking information. They comment. They share. They lurk, reading but not commenting (that would be the majority!).
Now, think about something big you’ve shifted on, religiously, politically, ideologically. Do you remember how long it took you to shift?
What if, while you were just testing the waters, you had seen a commenter make a point that you’re thinking about too, and then seen them get shut down, accused of being just as bad as someone at the far end of the spectrum? Would you keep going along that line? Would you keep deconstructing? Or would you become discouraged and/or angry, and give up?
When I argue or get quite firm with commenters, I reserve that anger for people who are still doing real harm, not people who have recognized the harm and are repenting, even if they don’t have the full picture yet. We want to encourage people to keep moving along that spectrum, and there is a way to challenge people to more in an encouraging way, rather than painting everything as black and white.
Does this apply to marriage or personal relationships?
Yes, and no. I think in marriage things are very different. Someone may have caused so much harm that even if they did move 85% of the way along the spectrum, it’s not enough to undo the damage, and the relationship is over.
That’s what Susannah Griffiths was talking about in her beautiful book Forgiveness After Trauma that we worked through earlier this year.
One thing Susannah said, though, that I didn’t talk about much on the blog, was that her husband, whom she eventually divorced, was getting healthy. She just wasn’t able to stay with him because she couldn’t process her pain with him or he’d feel condemned, and he couldn’t heal in a relationship where he was always feeling condemned. While the marriage couldn’t survive, she still wished for him to have people in his real life who could come alongside him and help him process and help him heal. She rejoiced that he was moving really far along that spectrum–it just couldn’t be with her.
Other people have found that their spouses (and especially husbands) have made such great strides that they’re able to heal together.
There isn’t one right way here. Trauma is trauma, and everyone is different.
And in a church situation, you may decide that staying in a church that is 85% there is no longer enough for you, because you see it as still contributing to harm. I think on a personal level we can have much greater boundaries, and we often need to.
Just because some do change doesn’t mean you need to wait for your spouse (or your church) to deconstruct.
I have seen some amazing transformations, both in real life and in the online world. I’ve seen men who haven’t understood what they did was marital rape totally deconstruct that and own it.
But here’s what I’ve found: The men who change often do so as soon as the wife has the proper words to describe the dynamic in the relationship. Maybe not instantaneously, but her having the words to talk about it puts things into place for him too, and he makes that shift. The ones who don’t make the shift once she’s able to talk about entitlement and mutuality and how sex is meant for both of you are far, far less likely to ever make that shift.
It’s like the post I wrote a while ago on the two different kinds of marital rape in marriage–how they’re both trauma, but the dynamics are different, and so while there can be a lot of hope for one kind, there’s very little for the other.
While I’m saying that it is possible for people to move along the spectrum and even get to 100%, that does not mean that you should stay in a marriage indefinitely waiting for that to happen.
If you are being hurt, that matters, and you matter. And you may not be able to heal unless your husband is totally on board.
(Again, some women have stayed and seen husbands change, and so I’m not making blanket statements for anyone. Journeys are all different, and my biggest piece of advice would be to walk through this with a licensed counselor who understands entitlement and abusive dynamics).
Here’s how I’m praying we can handle people’s deconstruction journey
When it comes to our online communications, or our acquaintances in real life, I hope we can do this:
- Call out the harm that people are doing when they’re still at the far end of that spectrum.
- Celebrate whenever someone starts to recognize that harm, and encourage them.
- Challenge those who are on the journey when they do have a blind spot. But do so in an encouraging way, recognizing that they are further along the spectrum, and they have left a lot of that harmful entitlement behind.
- Remember that if we want more people to get healthy, we need to encourage the journey, not castigate everyone who is not at 100%.
- In our personal lives, have firmer boundaries for our own safety. But at the same time, pray that others will come into that person’s life who can help them keep going on that deconstruction journey.
We all need to do our part to end polarization.
I really, really struggle with this. This is likely the #1 thing I pray about for my own heart. It’s hard.
But I so desperately want those complementarian churches studying my books to know that I celebrate them and welcome them.
And please: Trust the deconstruction journey.
If you’ve gone through it, you know that once you start to see some of it, it’s hard not to see everything. Once you’ve gone a certain amount towards the end line, it’s hard not to go the whole way. It may take a while, but one thing inevitably leads to the other, because once you start to understand abuse and power dynamics and what health actually looks like, you can’t unsee it.
So if you believe that–if you believe that you can’t unsee it; if you believe that health is attractive and that people will get it once they embrace some of it–then you don’t need to worry so much that you have to force someone to be at 100%. You know they’ll get there. You can celebrate the milestones with them, challenging them along the way, but not actively discouraging them or accusing them of still being part of the problem.
That, I think, is our challenge, and our hope.
Look to Jesus. He didn’t turn away people who didn’t 100% get it. His disciples didn’t even 100% get it! Not at first. But eventually they did.
Can we live with the messiness, celebrating people’s willingness to listen and change? Even if it’s not as far as we would like it to be?
What do you think? How do you handle people’s deconstruction journeys? Is this hard with online communication? Let’s talk in the comments!
I have called my deconstruction journey something different. I have been calling it processing what I was taught in the different churches I have been in over the years. Some of the things I took in was very harmful. Other things were biblically accurate. Some of the teachings were incredibly ridiculous. One thing one speaker said was that he could tell if a woman was rebellious by the way she wore her eye makeup.
All of the deconstruction has been painful, but my prayer has been that Jesus will bring healing to the people that have been so wounded by teachings that are so ungodly.
Thanks, Sheila, Rebecca, and team for helping me and others on this journey.
Hopefully all will be healed of the damage, and the abusers will see how harmful their actions and words are. My own churches while I was growing up weren’t all that bad, although I was mostly in the Sunday school section, and rarely heard the main pastors talk. One thing I recall from back then, though, was their belief in “stay in the marriage no matter what, and you can pray that various problems go away”.
I too struggle with frustration and even anger sometimes at others who just “don’t get it” yet…but I have to constantly remind myself that I was once where many of them are in terms of my attitudes, beliefs and certainty in my sense of “rightness.” It took me a long time to recognize and turn from beliefs that are harmful, inconsistent, and/or simply wrong. Remembering my own plodding journey helps me extend grace and patience to those who aren’t as far along as I am (though I sometimes really have a hard time of it!). I seek to share resources, ask questions out of curiosity, gently push back when I see potentially active harm being done, and always keep in mind that everyone – EVERYONE – is made in the image of God and is beloved. This is the most centering thing for me in those difficult relationships and conversations.
Right on!
I take it this is a response to the pushback on the pastor’s letter posted last week.
This seems like a nuanced way to look at it. I think you’re right that we may have to have different boundaries depending on how much a person’s behavior affects us personally-that’s not being unfair, it’s keeping ourselves safe. It’s much easier to trust the process and leave space for the journey someone else is on if I am
safe myself.
I wonder if a big problem with trusting the process is that sometimes there actually is no process. We’ve all seen the language of “repentance,” “accountability,” and “restoration” used for image management, deflecting from the needs of victims, and maintaining the status quo. It happens at scale in churches, and on a more intimate level in families and marriages. Those secondary betrayals may cut even deeper than the initial injury. It makes perfect sense to me for people who have experienced that to be deeply suspicious of people who claim to be in the process of change.
Yes, it’s important to encourage those who are making progress, who have finally taken at least the first step of making a 180.
But our joy and celebration ought to be tempered by our compassion for their victims.
Our rejoicing shouldn’t run roughshod over people who’ve been abused for years and even decades, who have not only NOT gotten any support (or even been believed) but who have in too many cases been further abused by being labeled as unforgiving, sinful, and rebellious, and possibly not even Christian.
All I ask is that we hold off on the ticker-tape parades for the abusers until they’ve had sufficient time to really, truly prove that they’re not simply starting yet another cycle of love-bombing in which they drop a few crumbs at their victims’ feet to keep those victims around for that much more abuse.
(No one is throwing any parades for the myriad wives who’ve endured or are still enduring three or four decades of abuse, barely hanging on to their sanity and often at the expense of their physical and spiritual health.)
And I wonder if Luke 15:7 comes into this: “There will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who don’t need repentance.”
The rejoicing is in heaven, not on earth, not among the sinner’s friends or family, not among the people who were sinned against. That take is probably stretching it, and I’d love to hear what someone trained in Greek and the first-century Roman Empire culture thinks.
—
I can’t help but be reminded of this post as well, because it addresses most of the same issues:
https://baremarriage.com/2022/09/why-holding-up-stories-of-radical-healing-and-forgiveness-in-marriage-may-backfire/
Hi Jo, I hear what you’re saying. I do.
At the same time, I do believe healing is possible. I serve a God who is a God of redemption and reconciliation.
BUT–and this is a huge BUT–I don’t think healing from abuse happens just because people pray and pray and pray. THOSE are the kinds of stories that I was writing about when I said that we shouldn’t share radical stories of healing and forgiveness.
But what I have seen, again and again and again, is that couples do have their lives transformed when SHE is able to put into words what was happening, and he is convicted of it. If she puts it into words and he doesn’t change? Likely not going to happen.
I made the mistake on Friday of posting the husband’s side. I should have posted one of the many, many notes I get from women. In all cases, the story is very similar: When he is confronted with what he did, he is overcome with repentance and remorse and puts in the work. That’s when things change.
And this is actually quite a frequent occurrence.
But if he isn’t overcome with repentance and remorse when she addresses the dynamics in the marriage, then it’s very unlikely that things will change at all.
In this post I was trying to talk about how there are two different types of abusers–those who abuse because teachings set them up for entitlement, and those who are honestly narcissists. The latter is very unlikely to change. The former can (but many won’t). But they CAN. And they DO.
And in this post I was addressing 2 different kinds of marital rape–one that stems from malice, and one that again stems from entitlement due to incorrect teachings, etc. The first is VERY unlikely to change. The other sometimes can.
I have seen so many marriages changed when the husband gets it and lets go of entitlement. And if we’re going to present it as if this as a fairytale, that once someone is entitled they are doomed forever, then I don’t think that’s a gospel message.
What I was trying to say in this post, and what I failed to say in the last (which I took down), is that, if you have words for something, and your husband isn’t changing or doesn’t get it, please get to safety. You matter, and if he isn’t listening, that isn’t okay. You don’t have to stay and keep praying.
But many women have reported that husbands have changed dramatically when they get the words for things. And I simply won’t discount that. I’ve seen it in my own life. I get messages like this every single day. I get messages of repentance from men. I get messages of thanksgiving from their wives. It happens.
It doesn’t happen because she just endured or submitted or prayed–but because she spoke up.
Now, even if he does change, the marriage may not be able to be saved, because of the hurt done to her (as I also said today). But the change may still be real.
And if we write all of that off, how are we ever going to help people along this journey? How will we ever change anyone’s minds? Because it is not just women we need to change–it is men too. I want to be able to celebrate it when a guy repents. That doesn’t mean the marriage will be saved necessarily, of course. But I want to celebrate when people move along that spectrum, because otherwise, what are we really doing? How will things every change?
One more thing: The whole point of what we do here at Bare Marriage is to say that a lot of abuse and entitlement dynamics actually happen because of our bad teaching. Our teaching both causes it and makes it worse.
If we get rid of these teachings, then we will lower rates of abuse and marital rape. We already see that happening.
If it was all equally hopeless, then there would be no real point in defeating the teaching. But if we can lower rates of abuse by fighting against teaching, then we have to do that. But this also means that we need to encourage people as they get rid of those toxic teachings. We need to have a way to encourage people to keep moving along that spectrum.
What if you doubt someone’s story? You can say something like, “I love hearing how you’ve dropped entitlement and let go of so many toxic beliefs! Great to see you growing. One thing you may not have noticed–your language here is still problematic….”
That’s great! You can still challenge people to more. I just hope we keep the goal of moving people along the spectrum, not blaming everyone who isn’t 100% there yet. I mean, I’m not 100% there yet on lots of things! But I react so much better to people who welcome my questions.
How many of the regular commenters here have said, “When I confronted my husband about XYZ, he changed … for six weeks … for eight months … for two years. And then after I got sucked back in, he went back to his old ways”?
How many women have shared their stories of telling their husbands that ABC is really quite hurtful, but their husbands “just can’t remember” or say “that’s just the way I am, so get over it already”?
Men have an incredibly easy time, well, stringing women along with empty promises and absolute crumbs of “love” and periodic love-bombing. Why is it so easy for men to get results? Because women are trained from birth to give, give, and give some more. To forgive. To give yet one more chance after already giving hundreds or thousands of chances. That divorce is not an option. Because marriage is meant to make us holy, not happy. Because all marriages have hard times. Because we deserve hell, so we shouldn’t complain about a mere chronically lazy husband. Because he doesn’t hit you. Or if he hits you, he doesn’t break any bones. Or if he breaks bones, well, what did you do to deserve it?
So when a man starts talking good talk about understanding how he’s been abusive and selfish and is going to make changes, why the rush to assume the best ONE MORE TIME?
In that moment, there is no way for anybody to know if a given man is REALLY committed to change—or if he’s just another poser who’s going to talk a good game and even do some actions, but who actually is not going to change.
There’s no way to tell those two kinds of men apart, not for quite some time. And if the guy is faking, the woman is going to get her hopes up once again, and the smash will be tremendous. (And it probably won’t be the first smash.)
So we can support such a man. We can encourage him. But how can we just blindly accept and assume and celebrate that he’s really changing before he’s established an extensive track record in the new direction?
I’m not suggesting in the slightest that we don’t encourage or support such a man. I am suggesting caution. I’m suggesting giving it lots of time, for that good fruit to grow and develop and mature. I’m suggesting his partner should protect herself. That she should guard her heart. That she keep some distance, emotionally if not physically. That she keep a touch of skepticism.
She’s probably been waiting decades. She should wait for real, demonstrable change to become obvious and enduring.
I realized that it’s quite similar to starting a relationship. You’ve gotten out of a bad one and have met this new guy. He says all the right things, he does all the right things, he’s a great guy, right?
So, are you going to marry him in two weeks? Or are you going to take some time to get past the superficiality? Are you going to do some pushing to see if he’s the real deal? Or do you just take him at his word, what he chooses to show you, and assume it’s all genuine?
If a man is really making these kinds of changes, then he is, in essence, a new relationship partner. Do you just take him at his word, as he paints himself? Or do you do some probing? Some checking? Some testing? Some waiting to see if he really is who he claims to be? 🤷
Jo, I’d like to tell you a personal story.
I grew up in a violent home. There was shouting and physical violence almost every day of my life. One of my parents was assaulted regularly. I regularly had my hair pulled and had spit on my face from the screaming mouth that leaned into it to hurl verbal abuse at me. At one point I had bruises that lasted for more than 6 weeks, from a particularly brutal beating. (Regular bruising was common. The beatings were never moderate.)
It never stopped. I left home. The violence there continued.
My parents attended a church.
The violence came to light.
My parents started living apart.
Counseling was given.
The violent parent started attending Bible studies and contributed thought provoking ideas to them.
Tears were shed.
My parents were encouraged to reconcile.
Teachings on forgiveness and reconciliation were given to the non offending parent.
Sound familiar?
A few weeks after moving back in together, the violence was not only back, it escalated.
Medical treatment was required because the damage inflicted by the violence was so severe.
A court order against the offender was sought and then granted.
This all happened in a country where court orders for this sort of thing were not only hard to get – it was almost unheard of for a protection order to be granted to man who was being beaten up by a woman.
The violent and abusive offender was my mother.
The victim was my father.
Now before you start telling me that my story only illustrates your point about how the church gets things wrong, or that this was an anomaly – I would like to stop you.
This is MY story.
It is real and true.
I lived it.
I watched my father struggle with the emotional and physical issues that arose from it.
The shame.
I watched my mother weave lies and manipulate people.
These are real people. The story doesn’t fit the statistics. But that doesn’t make it irrelevant. It doesn’t mean that compassion is not required because of all of the women in history that have been abused by men.
Statistically women have been on the receiving end of this behaviour.
But this IS my story. It just doesn’t fit the statistics.
I grew up to marry an abuser (who was superficially cultured and mild mannered.) “Nothing” like the wild animal who was my mother.
I have helped other abused women.
None of our stories are the same.
Do you know that the average woman leaving an abusive man leaves him 7 times? (Source – Lundy Bancroft.)
You say that you want to support victims – is your online anger how you intend to do that? Does it help anyone – or does it simply make you feel validated because you “engaged” in the fight? I’m not trying to be unkind. The answer matters enormously.
Another story:
I was the single resource person for a woman who managed to secretly get me her contract information for a couple of years. Her life was in danger – she was married to a violent offender who also drugged and raped her. She was **severely** isolated.
And suddenly, after a chance meeting with her, being secretly passed a slip of paper with a secret email address on it – it was up to me to help her.
I liaised with police officers for her, phoned the victim help lines, got Duluth wheels, mosaic reports and as much information on domestic violence, warning signs and statistics, as I could to her.
She left him.
I rejoiced!!
And then she returned.
Any negative speech about her husband would shut her down.
Until the cycle started again.
Then I would start sending her information and keep a finger on the pulse of her reply. (Was I drowning her with information? What was she interested in? What were her questions? Was she cooling off because he was engaging with her, did I need to wait again …. )
She left him. I rejoiced.
And then she returned. Any negative speech about her husband would shut her down…..
She left him. I agonized.
And she returned …. no I haven’t lost my place whilst typing. It was agonizing and circular and I felt powerless and frustrated.
I was left pacing the floor waiting for the police report each time. Waiting to hear that it wasn’t a hostage situation …. over and over and over again.
Every time when she went back I had to play a balancing game. Saying nothing negative that would upset the status quo, but waiting until she was ready for me to send more information that would help her.
You see – she needed to deconstruct before she was ready to make the break and feel comfortable in her own conscience with what she was doing. She needed to test her husband. She needed to KNOW that hope was TRULY gone – she needed to know this for herself. I absolutely could not make any decisions for her. This was HER story. My anger, frustration and indignation was a potential bomb to my being able to continue to help her if I allowed it to show at the wrong time.
Meanwhile, there was a clock ticking, he was escalating ….
And one day she knew that he was planning to kill her. She sent me a text – “Oh my God, I need to get out of here!!!” And she fled. The police were not called. She quite literally got up and ran.
She made it. (She almost didn’t.) And she has never looked back. Today, she is a strong, talented, compassionate woman, passionate about the rightness of her journey. She struggles financially, but is a force of nature to be reckoned with.
Supporting her was one of the hardest challenges of my life.
I learned that:
My anger was toxic.
My opinions were irrelevant.
My fears would shut her off.
But …
Patient support.
Listening, listening, listening …
Keeping a door open at any cost – to give her real life, practical, relatable, helpful information and statistics – so that when her mind was open she was receiving the information which she required, and which she relied on in the end.
I know you are angry. I know that you see the collective history and there seems so much of it. But anger is not how we will help anyone. It is not the same thing as support. It’s true for the victims and it is true of the wrong doers. These issues are nuanced. People are involved. Each story is different. And these are OTHER people’s lives and stories.
We are guests in their world.
We have to continue in hope that we can help people to get out. Sheila has dedicated an enormous part of her life to this – not everyone who gets things wrong has a hard core abusive mentality. There IS hope.
But for those women living with men who can remorselessly destroy them – there is often no quick fix. Patience, secrecy, listening and long term availability are needed far more than our flashes of (even righteous) anger.
Supporting victims is often a long, hard, challenging and intentionally conscious road.
History has been written. We cannot change it. We are alive today and now, with people crossing our paths and coming into our circle of influence. What we say and do, matters. Let us be conscious of our choices!
I wish you well.
You are right. And Jo R is right. It is a both/and situation. And we all need patience with each other as we work through these very difficult situations.
Hi Lisa, thank you for your thoughts! (and Nathan, I see you responded below to Lisa, also).
If my comment came across as someone who needed to be “right” then I failed miserably and apologise! In trying to make a point about being aware of the situation you’re responding in and to – I must have failed – through example, to make my own point! I think Jo is awesome – and in a previous exchange made an effort to tell her this.
The issue I was trying to raise was about approaching people’s situations with too much theory and not enough personal awareness of where they are actually at. Another one of the issues I focused on in my response, was about the issue of coming across as angry.
A simple question based on the information I provided above: “When a woman comes across as angry what do I (personally) have to deal with, in order to hear what she is actually saying?
Where is 10 year old me in that situation? (Yes, she still lives inside there – a gift of trauma.)
Do we need to share information with hurting people? Yes.
Is it okay to not accept a repentance story on face value? Yes.
HOW are we doing these things?
Nathan, you say “…we must also help and support those who are victims, who are broken and hurting and who have suffered…”
This is wonderful. Yes. The problem is, that many people in bad situations don’t identify as “victims”. I’ve personally not yet met one who did. They often feel horribly confused, frustrated and defective. Calling them a victim is often met with the idea that other people have it so much worse than they do – and they’re not THERE yet. The idea that they are a victim can be very disempowering to them.
Approaching people who are in destructive situations with anger often achieves the reverse of what we intend it to. Anger in their world is dangerous. You can go from ally to potential minefield in their mind in one encounter.
Information. Groundedness. Patience. Working through the reality of their personal situation – often having to repeat the same information over and over and over again because in their overwhelm they really didn’t get it the first and second and third time ….
These are the things I am arguing for.
And Jo, my deepest apologies if this feels personal. Again. I appreciate you. But I am a 3D with emotional luggage of my own! I don’t have a hate on for you – I promise!
One last thought – (I feel like I’ve taken up enough space) … there IS a time and place for constructive anger.
This usually happens when someone who has been abused has come through a path of deconstruction and they are realizing and processing what exactly happened to them. They need to tell their story and our well placed indignition can be very validating to them.
But again – situational awareness.
What needs to be said with how much vigour depends on all the individual factors that created the story in the first place.
Responding with anger to what someone shared here – in light of a problematic teaching that they have experienced repercussions from, could be perfectly helpful.
Responding angrily to someone who is in the process of awakening, may not.
♥️
I really appreciate what you have said today. I realized as I was reading that the “over it all” part of my deconstruction journey has indeed given me the tendency to be very impatient with people who aren’t all there yet. But it did take me several years to get here, and I’m sure I have a lot farther to go as I reconstruct, so intentionally extending grace to those who are still “working on it” will go a lot further toward helping them than my impatience would! So thank you!
Thank you, Sheila, for this post (which I completely agree with), and for all you do and the heavy burden you carry every day while doing this work. I’m truly sorry you felt you had to take the last post down. I didn’t read it as a ticker-tape parade for the writer, and I don’t believe you made a mistake in posting it. We weren’t celebrating the author or painting him as a hero. We were celebrating the fact that all the work you do and the books you and your team have written are having an effect (and that is how you introduced it, as I recall). Yay! It’s working! Look — progress! Keep it up! Let us read this and go away feeling encouraged, even as we acknowledge that there is not one of us who is yet at 100% (nor will we be this side of Heaven)!
If I’m understanding Jo R. correctly, she feels you should have waited longer (how long?) and heard from the wife, too, before posting this story as an example of how your work is having an impact so that you would have had more solid evidence of real change to present to us. But baby steps are worth celebrating, too. I found his story both credible and moving, I admired his courage in allowing you to publish it, and I wonder whether there may be readers of this blog who needed to hear what it’s like for someone still near the beginning of this journey, who needed this encouragement.
His letter to you encouraged you, and you shared that with us. And I thank both of you.
Sheila says
> > I don’t think healing from abuse happens just because people pray and pray and pray
Yes, I agree with this. Prayer can help give us the strength to heal or to help others heal, but prayer itself won’t magically cure things all by itself. People have to take action for this to happen.
>> It is a both/and situation. And we all need patience with each other as we work through these very difficult situations.
Very true. We can, and should, support and celebrate people as they journey to a better place. But we must also help and support those who are victims, who are broken and hurting and who have suffered. Too often, these people are ignored or, at best, told to just forgive, paint a smile on their faces, and act as if it never happened. At worst, they’re told that they’re the problem due to tempting men, not being a good enough Christian, etc.