Should we be nuanced about the effects of purity culture?
On episode 247 of The Bare Marriage Podcast, we decided to open things up to all of you to ask us anything you’d been dying to ask about sex, marriage, purity culture and everything else related to healthy marriage dynamics. We got tons of great questions from you. I want to talk about one in particular today: “how do you respond to someone who says that purity culture was a good thing?”
So let’s jump in!
Purity culture didn’t happen in a vacuum
First off, while many people who survived purity culture may automatically think that purity culture was all bad and that people who liked it are bad too, this isn’t necessarily true. Because it wasn’t all bad. There are a lot of shameful and toxic elements to it, but purity culture did not emerge from a vacuum.
Here’s what we mean by that:
Speaking as a Gen X woman, I grew up in the 1980s when teenage pregnancy was at an all time high.
Rates of teen pregnancy and sexual activity were much higher then than now, and many people grew up with traumatic teen sexual experiences. These early, and extremely negative, experiences threw a lot of lives off track in some really rough directions.
Those who grew up in the 80s and 90s saw people getting pregnant or contracting sexually transmitted infections. They saw a lot of people who were deeply heartbroken from being used. They saw the negative effects of having sex outside of marriage, and then they clamped down because of the fear of the very real risks that they had personally experienced and wanted to protect their children from going through the same health scares and heartache they did.
A teenage life where you avoid some of these huge things can be better. But here’s the question:
Are Sexual Hedonism and Purity Culture Our Only Options?
When you think about the opposite of purity culture, your mind may jump to “sexual health,” but healthy sexuality is not the opposite of purity culture. The opposite of purity culture is actually “sexual hedonism.”
Purity culture is extreme abstinence from any indulgence of sexuality, whereas sexual hedonism is embracing whatever feels good in a sexual sense. Sexual hedonism was the culture of sexuality in the 1970s & 80s. It embraced a kind of sexuality that was free from many rules or expectations. And we now know that sexual hedonism leads to a lot of really, really bad stuff. Like hookup culture and using people just for release and for fun.
There is a common idea that everything is getting worse. But it isn’t. Teenaged kids were much more likely to be having sex in the 80s than they are today. However, a lot of purity culture grew out of a time that was really quite toxic. This kind of thinking leads us towards a black-and-white worldview where the only two options for our kids and grandkids are:
- Sexual hedonism
- Purity culture
You hear those defending purity culture saying this a lot: well, without purity culture everybody would be sleeping with everybody and it would have been a mess! Or you hear those who don’t like sexual hedonism arguing, “so I guess we need purity culture.”
But those are not the only two options. There is a middle option, and this is the one that we want people to understand and see as a valid option as they teach their kids about sexuality.
What Is The Middle Option in the Purity Culture debate?
This third option is one that sees sex as something that is taken seriously; sex is something sacred.
Sex isn’t just something that all kids just do. They actually shouldn’t. We have laws that agree that kids shouldn’t be having sex. But at the same time, it is actually really important that they understand that they are not a dirty, disgusting, used up, chewed up wad of gum if they do have sex.
There is the middle ground of healthy sexuality where:
- There is a focus on consent
- There is a discussion on what it means to keep sex sacred
- There is an understanding that chastity is important because it’s good for us and others
- There’s an acknowledgment that it’s a way that we can be living sacrifices unto God
This middle ground can acknowledge all of this while not also arguing that if we give away our most precious gift, we’ll have nothing to give our husbands.
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It does not argue that it’s okay to have sex with someone you’re just using for a good time (because it’s never okay to use people for any reason). But also it’s not okay to tell someone, “Well, now you’re used up, and you’re worth nothing,” because they were always worth more than their virginity.
Both of those things can be true.
And incidentally, this is what we’re teaching in our Whole Story sex & puberty course for parents to share with their kids! We created the course several years ago, and the girls’ version features my daughters, and the boys’ version features Sheldon Neil and our sons-in-law. I don’t talk about the course very much because we’re in the midst of totally revamping it, and we’re planning on releasing the new version in about a month!
If you’ve bought the lifetime access old version in the past, you will get access to the revamped version automatically when it goes live (and you’ll get an email about that). But keep watching this space for info when it’s ready to launch!
Not Everyone Experienced Purity Culture As A Harmful Message
Purity culture, for a lot of people, actually helped them because the message they got from it was the intended message: don’t be flippant about sex, only have sex with one person, marry someone who is a good person, and then honor God with your body.
They didn’t get the whole, “you are a crumpled rose, chewed up gum. You’re worth nothing if you have sex. You aren’t a good Christian.” They did not hear, “you are responsible for him not sinning as the woman.”
That’s why it’s important, when we’re talking with someone about purity culture, that we carefully define what we mean. They might not be using the same definition of purity culture that we’re using. While we might be talking about this harmful and traumatic approach to sexuality, that places blame for boys’ sin at girls’ feet, this other person may just mean: kids should be abstinent in high school and not have sex. Which is something we can agree on! We know that abstinence is actually good for kids.
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Purity culture came up because of very real threats that were happening to teenagers, and it was an overcorrection to the time that was mixed with the misogyny already present in the church and turned into something really quite harmful.
But a lot of people got a kind of “purity culture lite”, and it turned out great for them. And a lot of people don’t understand that there’s a middle ground.
To those people who got the “purity culture lite” message:
Remember the thing called survivorship bias. If you got through unscathed, you may think, “Well, then purity culture is actually good.” But the fact that you got through unscathed means that you are biased about this.
There are a lot of people who didn’t get through unscathed. Their pain and trauma is real, and we cannot dismiss it.
And to all of you: Please take a look at our book She Deserves Better, if you haven’t already, to see the stats about what happened post-purity culture, and to see in black and white the terrible things girls especially were taught. We can do better! And the book is almost 50% off on Amazon right now!
What do you think? Did purity culture have some good effects? How can we talk about this well with people who don’t think purity culture was bad? Let’s talk in the comments!
I was a teenager in the 90s, but did not become a Christian until I was almost 18 so I didn’t hear messages about sex in youth group. In public school, we were told that abstinence was the best choice and with abstinence we would not have to worry about STDs, unwanted pregancies, or broken hearts. I also heard the metaphors about being a piece of chewed up gum and a rose that has lost its petals. In spite of pushing abstinence until marriage, we did learn about safe sex and consent.
Years later, I have heard how sex ed in Europe does not promote abstinence only and safe sex methods and consent are taught, yet teen pregnancies and abortions are lower than they are in the U.S. I think a lot of American parents have the fear that if their kids learn about how to use a condom and get access to birth control pills that they’ll go to the extreme of sexual hedonism. We all know that abstinence only sex ed did not stop teen pregancies or abortions from happening. I think it is necessary to educate kids about sex at age-appropriate times.
I’ve never had children so I don’t know what is the right age to start talking to your kids about sex. What I do know is that when they start asking questions, then think about having a talk with them, but consider what is age appropriate. Many people from my mother and grandmother’s generations did not get the sex talk from their parents and whatever was talked about in school was just the mechanics of the female anatomy.
When my library had a display of books about sexual health, an 80-year-old woman told me (I’m a librarian) that she thought it was neat that we had those books on display. She wished she had known more about sex when she was younger and thought it was good that these books were now available to everyone today.
I found a link to a resource: adolescent sexual health in Europe and the United States. It might be a bit older, but I think it’s useful. https://www.advocatesforyouth.org/wp-content/uploads/storage/advfy/documents/adolescent_sexual_health_in_europe_and_the_united_states.pdf
I think most of us are self-focused enough that we tend to assume our experience is what most others share. If our friends are very similar to us, there may be reinforcement to that; then it can be hard to see other sides than ours. It’s something we can all work on in ourselves.
I think if we can all try to give our heads and hearts a bit more Christ-likeness (thinking of others as much or more than ourselves), then we will be better able to listen when someone shares their experiences, whether good or bad. When 2 people have had very different experiences, I think it is Christ-like to extend mercy and grace and realize that the party who has been injured by the same issue needs to be listened to as someone who needs healing rather than lectured to that they just got it “wrong” because the other person wasn’t injured by it. Jesus came for the sick because they needed His healing.
I’ve grown tired of Christians who say that I just misunderstand God or the “Bible” or whatever else while they go on and on about how their lives have been so much better. It seems it is often an effort to make themseves feel like they have been blessed for good behavior, which in turn sounds like if I just “change my ways” I will magically find myself no longer hurt by purity culture, submissive teachings, etc.. That thinking can lead to those harmed by the same issues wondering what I did wrong as a kid to have gotten such a raw deal. Is God punishing me? Am I still getting it wrong? Should I just give up trying to learn who God truly is? Because honestly, a lot of us that have been hurt have spent so much of our time and energy trying to undo that damage and relearn, and we are simply tired. We don’t have much energy left to try to convince others that what didn’t hurt them did in fact hurt us. When we are told we got it wrong from someone claiming Christ, it reinforces to us that either I am being punished, or Christ is not good. That’s a terrible message to unwittingly put out there as a Christ-follower.
However, that tiredness also means I shouldn’t waste my energy trying to convince someone else that *wasn’t* hurt by it that they actually *were* if they truly don’t seem harmed by it. Perhaps they were and are still in denial. If so, arguing with them isn’t likely to convince them they were harmed- but maybe simply sharing my pain will? And if they weren’t, then hopefully they can simply hear our side with compassion and leave it at that so as not to compound our pain, and to also make sure that others are not being misled or harmed by similar messaging? Maybe that is too much to ask of them?
I don’t think there is a simple “how to” for this, just good old-fashioned compassion and listening.
In the 80s and early 90s, my youth group at church only heard “sex before marriage is bad”, and nothing else. Nothing about how sex is a good thing within marriage, or the “chewed up gum” stuff. However, there were some lectures given to girls only. The girls later told us it was mostly about what kind of clothes NOT to wear.
At its core, the purity message is good. Sex is a wonderful way of physically, emotionally and spiritually connected with each other in a strong, healthy, Godly marriage. The other stuff is harmful (like your purity is the ONLY thing of value you have. If you lose that, you’re ruined forever).
I grew up in the 80s and 90s and did not get away from purity culture unscathed. I will be doing sex ed with my own children very differently from what my parents did with me.
(Side note, was going to start the Whole Story with my oldest in a couple months, so super excited to hear there’s a revamp coming!)
However, I place absolutely zero blame on my parents for how they handled sex ed. One of their sisters became pregnant as a teen and they saw how it completely upended not only her life but also that of her parents. And my mom was a nurse during the AIDS crisis of the 80s, where there was so much unknown and so much fear and so few treatments. My parents made mistakes, but they always did the best they knew how with the resources and knowledge they had at the time.
So, yes, some parts of purity culture were totally rational reactions to very concerning things in society at the time.
We know better now, so we can do better now.
Exactly! I was in high school during the AIDS crisis and I don’t think a lot of millennials realize how scary that was for parents!
I was part of the free sexuality movement of the 80’s well on my way to addictive sexual behavior. I honestly never even heard of the purity movement until I got here. However, I guess the way I see it is this is just like any other topic you can bring to the table. I am going semi political here..but PLEASE DONT GO THERE. This is just an example only. A family member was barking to us about a certain important program that is always a top shelf item for Americans. Health care. In The 80’s this family member enjoyed double insurance submission through marriage for health care and insurance was included as an employment benefit at no cost to both of them. Their opinion was, that the “new health care options” that were rolled out created a horrible impact on Americans pocket book. However, when that family member was informed that due to our situation, had it not been for that health care system, we would have been sunk without insurance and sunk financially from the cost of medical care that had impact on us. That person didnt realize how much insurance costs and they didnt realize the facts of why we really needed that program. It was an eye opener for that family member. See, where I come from in the 12 step rooms there is a saying. It is better to understand than to be understood. This street has two lanes and it works both ways. This person took empathy on us and even that program because they now understood us. It changed their heart at least in this case. Thats a stepping stone the way I see it. So my answer is, we need to talk about the impact it has on people more than how wrong they are. This creates an understanding….
“we need to talk about the impact it has on people more than how wrong they are”
Love this.
Empathy breaks through where fact and argument hit brick walls.
Yes, I think that’s the common theme I’m hearing as people process this post! For some people, it spared them the scars of sexual hedonism. For others it was really harmful.
And we know the messages were harmful!
But we can’t discount the people who are grateful they didn’t go the other route.
We just need to find ways to teach HEALTH without the SHAME!
I didn’t grow up in the evangelical space, but Catholic. I didn’t hear all the same messages to the same degree, but I did get some of them.
I had a lot of the modesty messages about not distracting boys around me & that I need to cover up.
I think you handled this in a respectful way. Your book “She Deserves Better” helped me a lot.
I’m so glad!
My experience of purity culture was awful. It was like having my leg broken to keep me from falling off a cliff. Not going off a cliff is good, but it created a whole ‘nother set of problems.
It didn’t help that I had two cousins just older than me who were having sex with their boyfriends. One of them got pregnant. I think the other adults were understanably scared. Unfortunately the overreaction left me internally tied up, confused, and continually in fear. It also made me vulnerable to predators because at that point, I had almost no voice for myself.
But I was chatting with another mom in our church nursery, and she was talking about modest clothing choices for her daughters (who are all teens and older). For her it was about teaching her daughters self-respect. It had nothing to do with trying to control boys minds, and she was appalled that that had been my experience.
All that to say, I think this article is spot-on. Not everyone means the same thing when they talk about purity culture, modesty, etc. Listening matters.
Listening really does matter! And acknowledging people’s pain matters. I think if we were to acknowledge people’s pain, they’d be more open to understanding when messages were harmful too.
I love this post, and I love the acknowledgement of the middle ground. I just finished listening to Tia Levings’ “A Well Trained Wife.” Her upbringing is similar to my upbringing. What I keep wondering is how (HOW!) some people got away unscathed. Like Monica. Did Monica sit through the same youth camp lessons? Was she not paying attention? Did she not hear the yelling about “gongorea”? Or did she and laugh it off?
I’m sitting here working with a trauma therapist for anxiety, depression, cptsd, and suicidal ideation. My children have the misfortune to be raised by a mom with mental illness as a result of purity culture. It just feels so unfair that God spared some people and not others.
I think that one of the things that can happen here is that parents can forget that teenagers and children don’t have the maturity to chew the meat and spit out the bones like they do as adults. Both my wife and I grew up in conservative homeschooling families, and are very grateful for most of that. We were exposed to various degrees of the harmful teachings you discuss here, and it certainly did impact us in different ways. However, I don’t think our parents ever fully agreed with these teachings. I believe they were able to sift through what they heard and see where there was truth and where there wasn’t. But, they also didn’t always go out of their way to explain to us their reasoning, and we were therefore left thinking that what we were hearing was good.
Yes, exactly! Kids can’t sift through. So we parents need to speak up!