What Does “Respect Your Husband” Mean to Evangelical Leaders?

by | Jan 15, 2025 | Faith, Theology of Marriage and Sex | 34 comments

What Does Respect Your Husband Mean in Evangelicalism

When evangelical teachers say “men need respect”, what do they mean?

On both Facebook  and Threads, I posted this question:

“Men have a unique, God-given need for respect.”

When evangelical leaders teach this in regards to marriage, what, practically, are they saying that men need? What are they telling women to do?

I’d love your thoughts!

Because here’s the thing: We’re taught this constantly: Men need respect in a way that women don’t understand. Men’s need for respect is the same as women’s need for love. And it’s God-given.

But what do people mean when they say “men need respect”? Because it’s rarely actually defined. In the entire book Love & Respect, for instance, Emerson Eggerichs never gives a definition of respect. He just says that you respect your boss, but you don’t love your boss. And then he gives an acronym of the things that men need to feel respected:

  • C Conquest
  • H Hierarchy
  • A Authority
  • I Insight
  • R Relationship
  • S Sex

This idea that men have a unique need for respect is everywhere, and pastors and teachers would never say they’re teaching anything bad. 

But overwhelmingly, when I asked people what they thought this meant practically, the answers were stark and quite depressing.

And while pastors and authors might protest, saying, “that isn’t what we mean!”, when you actually look at what they say–it is, indeed, exactly what they mean. 

So let’s look at how people answered–and how that accurately depicts what teachers and preachers actually argue:

“Men Need Respect” Means Men Have Autonomy and Can’t Be Challenged 

“I have counseled many evangelical couples as a marriage therapist where this comes up. When we attempt to unpack what they are saying it seems often to really mean, “I want you to let me behave the way I want. I want autonomy but as my wife you need to submit to make life in our home less difficult.” Men want autonomy to have negative feelings but want their wives to be positive all the time.” 

“They think respect means being a doormat, means blind obedience, means never challenging them, means catering to their wants and preferences, basically being a slave.”

“Always agreeing that they are right and always say yes because if not you can’t possibly respect him and disagree or do something against his wishes.” 

Compare all of that with this message from Steve Gaines, former SBC President and pastor of Bellevue Baptist Church:

Got that? Your husband is your leader. Don’t correct him. 

It reminds me of Emerson Eggerichs labelling his wife Sarah disrespectful for asking him to stop leaving wet towels on the bed. He’s the one leaving them there; she says stop; he says you’re nagging and you’re being disrespectful. The solution? She stops asking; and he gets to keep leaving the wet towels there. (Read more about the wet towel incident!)

Men Need to Be Flattered and Told They’re Amazing Even if They’re Not

“I remember doing a couples Bible study with our neighbors on the love and respect book. The part I remember I rolled my eyes at the most were the bits about how you have to show the man respect even if it is unearned. Even if he is not behaving respectfully, being loving, or acting in ways that would earn him your respect. You were meant to “be his cheerleader “ and act like he is the greatest man despite his actions or your feelings. Then he *might* be motivated to change.” 

I think this teaching conveys the idea that men somehow have an inherent need for greater admiration and praise for their good qualities and more deference and understanding of their shortcomings. I believe they are telling women to ignore red flags and make excuses for men, and ignore and invalidate their own needs for respect and deference. We must violate our own experience and intuition and emotionally prop up men because they need respect inherently, not because they receive it based on merit.” – Female commentator

Now compare all of that to this teaching by Josh Howerton:

So if your husband is treating you badly, you just need to pretend that he is amazing, and then he will become amazing.

That’s not how it works, but it’s very convenient teaching if your goal is to have men flattered rather than held to account.

“Men Need Respect” Basically Means “Obey Your Husband”

“At the very beginning of our marriage, my husband gave me advice about a problem I was having. I considered the advice, but didn’t do what he suggested. He thought I was disrespecting him, and he felt hurt. I said, “you thought I was disrespecting you because I didn’t obey you. I respected you by fully considering your advice and not shrugging it off. Respect doesn’t guarantee obedience or compliance.” He completely got it! 

“Respect is code for wives to obey, flatter, not ask for their own needs to be met and to not hold men accountable.

Respect should be mutual and it should mean treating the other with full humanity and dignity” 

“I read that and hear “I, a man, need everyone around me to do whatever I say, no matter what.”” 

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Does respect mean to obey your husband? Many pastors would say no, of course not, that’s too much!

But at the same time, they teach that men are in authority over their wives. That men get to make the decisions. As Emerson Eggerichs says in Love & Respect, the husband is the tie-breaker, and can make the decisions for the family. AND the husband also gets to decide what constitutes disrespect.

Put those things together, and you get obeying your husband. 

When pastors call for women to respect their husbands, this is what we hear.

Especially when the illustrations they use are about not correcting him; about letting him make decisions; about telling him he’s awesome, even when he’s not.

When these pastors don’t ALSO talk about how to draw boundaries; about how to speak up when your husband is doing something wrong; then they are painting a very clear picture of what respect is, and it isn’t pretty.

Almost everybody who answered my question defined respect as a woman having no autonomy and a man having no accountability.

This isn’t healthy for the church, and it needs to stop.

Tomorrow on the Bare Marriage podcast, get ready for an AWESOME episode, where we demolish the love & respect thesis once and for all, using all-new data.

But for today–just remember that pastors and authors love to teach that men need respect, but they rarely admit what their teachings lead to. And this needs to stop.

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I’ll let one of my responders have the last word:

“I don’t think they are asking women to do anything.

I think they are asking women to BE something. And that’s to be less than man.” 

Yep. Even if they won’t admit it, we all see it. 

What do you think? When people like Emerson Eggerichs say that men need respect, what are they calling for women to do? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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34 Comments

  1. Andrea

    Josh Howerton’s wife’s face looks so pained, just like it did in that Facebook video they made, where she said the Holy Spirit convicted her to have more sex with her husband. Does anybody else recognize that look of pain? I recognize it as my mother’s. I am the oldest daughter of a pastor and his wife, and as such I was especially attuned to my mother’s pain. She also confided in me, which I know was unwise, but I have forgiven her because I know how isolated pastor’s wives are, they cannot complain to other women about their husband.

    Reply
    • L.J.

      I think a person who believes they are entitled to unearned authority and respect is usually a person who doesn’t understand their personal relationship with their sin.

      No person with sin can handle that authority. Only sinless Jesus can.

      A person who understands how sin works in their life knows they cannot handle devine authority, nor can others.

      Look at this book’s message. What it is really saying is this husband wants the divine authority of Jesus in his marriage. He usurped it from Jesus and put himself first . He is sadly now a roadblock. In this case he wants to have his sin nature guarded ,shielded , and ultimately absorbed by his wife and family. That’s it. That’s what he wants. To indulge himself in his sin and be accountable to no one.

      They don’t want to give that authority back to Jesus.

      Jesus tells us we can’t serve two masters. Even if the verse is about money, it makes sense, given our nature.

      Maybe that’s why authoritative and hierarchal believers are often disgusted with the character traits of Jesus. We see it all the time now. Ignoring or bypassing the sermon on the mount in favour of human interpretation of more useful scriptures to their personal authority. Ridiculing and dehumanizing followers trying to emulate Jesus . Elevating and worshipping the opposite traits of Jesus . Quietly , Jesus doesn’t measure up . It shows if you observe it.

      I often wonder if a person’s ultimate spiritual battle may involve reconciling with their deep rooted disgust and hatred over the way Jesus lived his life, and with the call to follow him and practice the same. For many, that seems to be the major spiritual lifelong journey .

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        I completely agree. They want to be Jesus. It’s just the Fall all over again.

        Reply
      • Nessie

        👏👏👏 L.J., Love your comment, especially, “In this case he wants to have his sin nature guarded ,shielded , and ultimately absorbed by his wife and family.”

        Totally agree with your idea that they are disgusted by Jesus’ character traits. At a previous toxic church, there was a whole sermon on how Jesus wasn’t “nice.” They set out to show how much “tough love” Jesus used- yet if a woman uses “tough love” to set and enforce boundaries, she is in sin.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Very true! If a woman shows tough love, then she’s not being “biblical.” So in their minds, women aren’t supposed to be like Jesus. It’s crazy.

          Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I have certainly wondered that myself!

      Reply
  2. Nessie

    I could write several blog posts’ worth about the errors and inconsistencies in the first video clip, lol. And I’ve become so sickened by JH’s haughtiness that I have a visceral reaction hearing/seeing him: I literally feel a need to spit or throw up, so I no longer watch clips with him. Besides, it’s the same old song and dance of lies.

    It’s essentially the moving goalpost of what is considered “respect.” If they keep moving the target, no woman can ever attain it therefore she will always be a “failure” in some capacity. If a man can only feel better about himself by setting up his wife or women to “fail,” then he really needs to take a long look at himself and his relationship with Jesus. Jesus said He came so that we may have life to the full- not that men may have life to the full *by* subjugating their wives.

    If it is a universal and consistently God-given need for men to be respected, then it makes sense that it would be derived from a consistent and definable set of behaviors.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Completely agree. But instead they don’t define it at all, they just keep repeating how important it is.

      Reply
  3. Laura

    Wow! Finally we see it in plain writing. That’s what these pastors really mean yet they won’t come out and say what they really define respect as. Several years ago, I heard Rick Warren giving a sermon about respect. He said respect is something that is earned. Basically if you want respect, act like a decent human being. Common sense. If you want to be !oved, act like a decent human being. Eggerichs and pastors like JH need to get down to the Golden Rule by treating others the way you want to be treated. Listen to Jesus before listening to people.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      It certainly is common sense! I’m glad Warren was pushing back against this.

      Reply
  4. JG

    This sounds so much like Bill Gothard regurgitated. Wives and children (especially daughters) have to jump through too many hoops to show respect that the husband (or dad) demands.

    I do respect my husband because he earned it, and he respects me also. We listen to each other. We also listen to our children. We could force respect or submission, but eventually it will backfire.

    Reply
    • Erica

      Your last sentence hits the nail on the head. Forced respect and submission (apart from being oxymoronic) can only ever work in the short term.
      Long-term, you end up either with bad relationships, or no relationship at all.

      Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      It absolutely is Gothard. The thing about Gothard was that he didn’t say anything new or even out of the mainstream; he just said explicitly what was being taught implicitly.

      Reply
  5. K

    Stepford Wives was satire. It seems to be the mission of the church to make it a kind of reality. (Real women – not robots.)

    My experience dovetails exactly with the respondents you quoted.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That is what it seems to me is going on.

      Reply
  6. JC

    The memory that first pops in my head with disrespect is the time my dad got very mad at me for chuckling at him. We were having a discussion about some random topic, I don’t remember what, when he said something completely illogical. I chuckled at the ridiculousness of it (a small chuckle, not a big gaffaw). He immediately got in my face and dropped his voice, “Don’t you dare disrespect me.” I said I wasn’t, what he had said was illogical to the point of humor, explained how. He agreed that point was badly thought through but held that I was disrespectful for chuckling and refused all attempts at my claim it wasn’t. That ended that conversation entirely. Other conversations never even got started because from the get go I’d be accused of disrespect. If I asked for why, it was taken as disrespectful. For things a simple as cutting vegetables or washing dishes. I was told I was judging him. So to him, disrespect means shut up, no comments, and just accept what I do/say. If he ever asks, this is one reason I’m LC with him. I got tired of it.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’m so sorry! I wonder if parents realize that the way they act will affect whether they have a good relationship with their kids long-term or not? Because that type of behaviour is ridiculous, and I’m so sorry you went through that.

      Reply
      • Nessie

        I think most of the people that treat their families this way- demanding respect above all else- don’t yet have the tools to grasp a loving relationship. They “respected” their parents based on “respect your elders” so they assume their kids will do the same. But as generations learn healthier ways of relating, they also learn they do not have to stay in these bad relationships such as they are.

        Reply
  7. Lisa Johns

    Well first off, Steve Gaines looks like he has a stick in his you-know-where.
    Second, he uses words that don’t mean what he thinks they mean. (Has he ever used the word “admiration” correctly? Probably not.)
    Third, let’s talk about the things you’re not allowed to tell your husband:
    — Don’t tell him how to dress. (Let him wear that dorky outfit he chose. Others will laugh. You will be very respectful, very demure.) “We (men) don’t know what goes with what,” proclaims Steve Gaines. Know who consistently doesn’t know what goes with what? Toddlers.
    — Don’t tell him how to drive. (Let him crash that car with you in the passenger seat and your children in the back. You being respectful and demure will convict him at the funeral.)
    — Don’t tell him how to be a man; you’re not one. But when he tells you how to be a woman, be very respectful, very demure.
    Fourth, “most guys… don’t have a lot of friends,” pontificates Mr. Gaines. And why do you think that is, Mr. Gaines? It couldn’t possibly be because they have been given poor social skills since the time they were brought to church at eight days old, could it? Me hanging out with a guy who obviously does not want me there is not going to fix that.
    Fifth, since when does food determine the measure of a man? I like burgers (especially 5 Guys burgers); why can’t a guy like salad and quiche? (Looks to me like maybe you need to step up the salad and quiche in your own diet, big boy.)
    And finally: If you do these things, “you’ll have a new husband on your hands.” Riiiiiiigghhttt. Well, God missed that memo for me. I tried all of your idiotic suggestions over the years. Guess which one finally helped. I’ll wait.
    That’s right. None of these things helped, because my husband did not respect me. So who needs the respect again?

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Exactly. And that’s why everyone needs to listen to today’s podcast (episode 266) which blows Steve Gaines’ arguments out of the water!

      Reply
      • Lisa Johns

        I loved it!!

        Reply
    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      “Very Respectful, Very Demure” as in a completely-broken to captivity domestic animal?
      (With Benefits — nudge nudge wink wink know what I mean know what I mean…)
      There can be NO companionship possible in such a situation.

      Reply
      • Lisa Johns

        You got that right!

        Reply
  8. Perfect Number

    I always understood “men need respect” to mean that all men have an emotional need to *feel like* they are respected. So there’s not really a clear guideline for what a wife specifically needs to do- if her husband doesn’t *feel* like she is respecting him, then that means his very basic needs aren’t being met, and it will be extremely difficult for him to be a decent human being.

    So yeah a guy can claim that his wife needs to agree with him all the time, or else he doesn’t feel respected, and under this ideology he gets to define what “respect” is for him. So it could really mean anything.

    If you think about it, it’s very obvious how unworkable this is!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s so well put! I hadn’t thought to word it like that, but you’re exactly right!

      Reply
  9. Nicky

    So much definition of what respect means and so much insistence. 1 Peter 3:7 says that husbands must treat their wives with respect. Why does that not count? If they define respect in the way that they do, they will be unable to apply it mutually as the Scriptures admonish.

    Reply
  10. Kay

    This idea was really expounded on in a business we were involved with…. they pushed all the books you blog about because if we aren’t constantly learning, we aren’t growing. Staying stagnant is weak, lazy, etc. And while there’s truth to that, we really should’ve taken a look at WHO we are learning from. I think many authors have trauma & biases that clearly are reflected in their work; their home environment may have been filled with rage, strife, addictions , etc…. So these books essentially say, if you do these things, you’ll get “a good marriage, finances…. Or whatever it’s talking about. However all they’ve done is swung to the other side of the spectrum. Same coin, different side. Coming from divorced parents, I wanted to “do marriage right”, so I bought this stuff hook, line, & sinker. Surely they must know what they are talking about with using scripture and credentials! I took respect as to mean to never question him. And if I did, there better not be any rolling of the eyes or “tone.” However, for me, and I’m not excusing myself but I think I resort to those things because I simply have no words to express myself — especially when frustrated. Respect also meant his way goes. So if he said yes…. I should just go along with it and if it’s a no…. I should agree. Sounds a lot like co-dependency. Which you mentioned above, “woman having no autonomy and a man having no accountability”. No one really wants to be questioned or told no! That’s our self serving immature nature! It’s not inherent to man, but as you alluded to in podcast, women are more social so we tend to learn we can’t act certain ways if we want friends, etc. whereas for boys we just say, “boys will be boys.”

    I once disagreed with my husband about something in front of our kid and to this day remember being called out for disrespect not because of what I said or how I said it…. But because I disagreed with him —in front of our kid, I guess because we have to uphold A sense of unity?! I’m not even sure what the issue was anymore. But clearly I crossed a line. Nevermind that my opinion wasn’t asked before my husband made the decision. But no, that wasn’t disrespectful! Clearly a double standard exists.

    On another note,
    I love that you’ve put words to how I’ve felt, but at same time I’m mad and resentful! I feel stuck as to how to move on from those beliefs : /

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I hear you, Kay! It is so hard when we realize that what we’ve been taught is false and harmful–but also that the teachers really deliberately misled us in many ways. I’m glad you’re seeing through the fog! Keep pushing.

      Reply
  11. Willow

    I think a desire for respect is a *human* desire, not a gendered desire.

    Respect does not mean mute submission, idolatry, or acceptance of abuse.

    Respect is a type of other-centering rooted in an honest appraisal of another human’s worth and value, in seeing how they are uniquely created in God’s image, in recognizing the Spirit of God breathing within them.

    We should all respect each other; respect is an outward expression of love, and we are called to love each other. Spouses in particular should respect each other, but based in how they value and love each other, not as a form of submission and control.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Absolutely. It’s not gendered!

      Reply
  12. Angharad

    That first video was so weird – so many of the examples of the respect that a wife ‘needs’ to give to her husband were just about being kind and considerate to other people. Stuff like not criticising someone in public, not trying to control what they eat or wear, standing up for them if someone else is saying bad stuff about them…how do these things become what WIVES have to do to show respect to their HUSBANDS? Surely they are things we should ALL be doing for EVERYONE?!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Absolutely. It’s not gendered!

      Reply
  13. Pretty Woman

    Hmmm… how do you admire someone if you don’t, um… actually admire them? Is this guy asking for performative admiration? Doesn’t lead to much of a genuine relationship.
    The whole thing sounds like training a dog by behaviour shaping – give him a treat each time he gets closer to the desired behaviour until he somehow manages to do the thing you want, and then you give him the jackpot! Except in this case, give him the treat no matter what he does. Wonder what that leads to…

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yes, it’s definitely performative. That’s a good word for it. He even says that you don’t want to submit because he could physically hurt you, it’s so much easier if you admire him. It’s like, Dude, do you hear what you’re saying?

      Reply

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