The Marriage You Want is now officially launched!
I’m really excited about this book, because it’s HEALTHY and I think it has the potential to upend the Christian marriage market and be disruptive (in a good way) like The Great Sex Rescue was.
I told you a little bit about that yesterday, on my post telling you all about The Marriage You Want.
Today I’d like to take a step back, and talk about Christian marriage publishing in general, because I’ve noticed some things I think it’s important to talk about to better understand how harmful teachings stick around.
And incidentally, if you like those “Hazardous Materials” stickers I’ve got on the spines of the Christian marriage books in the featured image for this post, you can find them here! All proceeds help support the work we do!
The top 10 marriage books haven’t changed much in ten years.
About two years ago I prepared a big report for a publishing company on the state of the evangelical marriage publishing market, and why I thought there was room for a healthy book to break in.
One of the most common emails I get every week is from pastors, saying something like this:
I need a book to use for premarital counseling, but I can’t find a healthy Christian one. I don’t want to use Love & Respect, but do you have any healthy suggestions?
And it honestly was hard. I’d usually recommend How We Love, which focuses on attachment styles (but does have some weird Every Man’s Battle vibes in it). Or else I’d tell them to go secular and use John Gottman’s 7 Principles to Make Marriages Work.
But it shouldn’t have to be this way.
Why have Christian marriage books stayed the same, for so long?
When you look at what has sold consistently in the last ten years, this tends to be the list. Occasionally a new book will break into the top 10, but it often falls off. This tends to be a pretty consistent list:
The Top 10 Christian Marriage Books
The top 10 marriage books have been remarkably steady for the last ten years, with a few changes (one new book entering in).
Publication year in parentheses
- Five Love Languages (1992)
- The Love Dare (2008)
- Love & Respect (2004)
- The Meaning of Marriage (2011)
- Boundaries in Marriage (1999)
- Power of a Praying Wife (1997)
- Sacred Marriage (2000)
- Cherish (2017)
- How We Love (2006)
- For Women Only (2004)
A few things to notice:
- Only one was published in the last decade.
- Three of the top ten were published in the last century.
- Only two were written by women, while another two were co-authored by a couple.
And, perhaps most importantly, only two of these books advise following current best-practices in psychological research: How We Love and Boundaries in Marriage.
These books tend to say the same thing
Aside from How We Love and Boundaries in Marriage, which don’t make gender roles a pivotal part of their books, all of these books conform to typical gender stereotypes, and tend to argue for male authority over women in marriage.
As we talked about yesterday, they tend to have the same approach to marriage:
They start with the premise that men are in authority over women, and this leads to four other teachings:
- The genders are polar opposites and cannot understand each other really
- If you’re having issues in marriage, it’s because of your expectations. You need to rely on God more.
- Marriage is hard, and God uses it to refine you and make you holy, not happy.
- If you’re unhappy, you can’t divorce, but that’s okay because think of the great reward you’ll get in heaven!
The Marriage You Want, on the other hand, is evidence-based and looks at what actually works to create healthy, happy, intimate marriages. We found that people absolutely can have happy marriages, but the key to happiness is not hierarchy or letting go of expectations, but rather learning to function as a team.
Okay, so we know that the same marriage books have been our best-sellers for years, and no new book has broken in.
We know that the books, on the whole, tend to say the same thing.
But is there something else going on?
These Christian marriage books may be selling–but are they being read?
The long-term demand for these individual marriage books may be weaker than sales figures indicate.
This is a little hard to explain, but in general, Amazon rankings for paperbacks and Kindles follow a sort of ratio. It’s not rock solid at all, but the paperback ranking is always higher (because a lot more ebooks sell than paperbacks, and lots sell for $1.99! So ebook rankings are usually lower than paperback rankings).
Now, here’s what we found when I looked at this a few years ago for a report I was preparing for a publisher:
Love & Respect is ranked roughly 1,000 in physical books and 32,000 in Kindle.
The books on either side of it in physical copies ranking are ranked at 4,500 and 15,000 on Kindle.
The Love Dare is similar: It ranks at roughly 1,000 in physical copy and 32,000 on Kindle.
The books on either side of it in physical copies are ranked at 13,000 and 16,000.
For almost all books in the top 10 Christian marriage category, we see a similar discrepancy, where the ranking seems very high for the physical copies in comparison to its Kindle sales. The most likely explanation is that the books are being bought disproportionately for gifts or for church book studies, rather than by individuals wishing to read the book themselves.
This shows a weakness in the market that may not be recognized yet, because so many church leaders and well-meaning Generation X and Boomer individuals are buying the best-sellers written to their generation for millennial and Generation Z individuals who are marrying, or are leading studies with these books. But the younger generations do not seem to be embracing these books for themselves.
Healthier books buck this trend
This trend, though, seems confined to marriage books that are heavily gender based and hierarchical based, and is not widespread across the board.
My books, for instance, follow much more typical patterns of ratios for paperback sales versus Kindle sales. Secular marriage books, such as John Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, sees Kindle sales in line with what you would expect given the paperback ranking, as does Emily Nagoski’s best-selling secular sex-ed book Come As You Are. When a book captures the imagination and is found useful, people buy it on Kindle for themselves to read, and don’t only buy it as a gift. That leads to much more word-of-mouth recommendations, and much more longevity for the book.
I was talking to some younger couples about this on our Bare Marriage cruise in February, and I asked: How many of you were given marriage books as wedding presents? One couple said they got His Needs, Her Needs, Power of a Praying Wife, and two copies of Love & Respect. They didn’t read any of them.
So the books are being sold, but often not read (thank goodness!)
I think older people are buying the books they used when they got married, and giving them as gifts. And eventually, these older people will stop going to weddings or will stop buying gifts, and then maybe the market for these books will dry up.
What does this mean for The Marriage You Want?
It’s been a long time since a marriage book was written that defied the typical marriage advice and was actually healthy.
And it’s been a very long time since a marriage book appealed to younger audiences–even though younger people do want to read about marriage (look how well our sex books have sold, for instance! And secular marriage books sell well).
So I’m praying that we’ll be able to break in to a stale market that hasn’t been disrupted in a long time, and that is actually weaker than many of us realize.
I’m hoping we’ll be able to make a real change–with your help!
The Marriage You Want is HERE!
It's time for HEALTHY and SAFE marriage advice!
It's time for a marriage book that doesn't leave you defeated or guilty--but instead leaves you empowered, hopeful, and excited.
It's evidence-based. It's got tons of charts! And it's fun.
Available in audio, ebook, or paperback, with an accompanying study guide, let's talk about the things that actually go into making a great marriage, rather than the things that evangelicals have tended to stress that all too often harm.
Together, we can change the evangelical conversation about marriage!
Let me share a few reviews that have come in from Amazon that reassure me I’m on the right track!
I have read a fair number of Christian marriage books.
I have a wonderful marriage, so I’m not really looking for help, but I like to pick one up occasionally to see if there are any areas where my husband and I could improve.
For the most part, in my experience, Christian marriage books fall into one of two categories:
1) Irrelevant and boring. I tend to not even finish these ones, and I often wonder why they were written at all. These are the ones that sort of just meander through anecdotes from the author’s own marriage and never actually come to a point or offer any concrete advice.
2) Really cringey. At least these ones are entertaining. They often come packed with advice and lots of tips for implementation, but unfortunately their advice tends to be impractical at best and seriously questionable at worst (and often, once again, based primarily one what the author thinks has worked in his/her own marriage, which isn’t helpful if your marriage looks different from theirs).
The Marriage You Want fits neither of these categories.
It isn’t boring (especially not if you like to look at survey charts and read endnotes!), and it is filled with practical, down-to-earth advice for improving your marriage. And I don’t think I cringed once while reading it!. While the authors include several stories from their own marriage for illustrations, the core of their message comes from a large survey of married couples that they conducted, and not from their own experience. So my marriage doesn’t need to look exactly like theirs for the advice in the book to work. Moreover, they understand the need for nuance. Not all people, marriages, and circumstances are the same, so the advice given needs to be delivered with wisdom so as not to inflict harm. Advice that may be helpful for a relatively healthy marriage could be catastrophic if given to an abusive one, and vice versa. Advice for a marriage with two neurotypical people may be less than helpful for a marriage with a neurodivergent partner. This book understands that, and thus strives first to teach guiding principles for marital health and then to provide guidance for applying those principles in various situations.
Likely my favorite part of this book was just how PRACTICAL it is. This really comes out in the chapter on Friendship, but it is present throughout. I have read too many marriage books that teach the need for copious amounts of time and money in order to maintain a relationship, but when you have small kids and a single income, that often isn’t possible. This books gets that and never implies that your marriage is doomed unless you can magically come up with 3 more hours and $200 more dollars in a week to take fancy dates with your spouse. Their suggestions are practical, down-to-earth, and should be possible for nearly every couple to implement. I was so grateful for this.
If you’re an evangelical and looking for a marriage book, get this one.
Having been married over 20 years and having read many marriage books, I’ve found most to be a mix of good advice, weird ideas, cringy tips, and some harmful teachings. And while every marriage book says it’s different, The Marriage You Want actually is, because the authors spent the time and money to research what leads to a healthy, enjoyable marriage. Surveying 1370 couples and over 5000 individuals, they have plenty of data to test many common Evangelical ideas and teachings about marriage. The Marriage You Want is more than one person’s or couple’s opinion of what makes a marriage work; it’s a gathering and explanation of data of what people are experiencing in marriage.
While there are plenty of charts, the book is straightforward and easy to understand. It avoids much of the Christian jargon and platitudes and offers solid principles based on Scripture and research for couples to implement. More importantly, it doesn’t give strict formulas, but rather the Gregoires explain the key issues and encourages the reader to work out the details of how to implement the principles it suggests.
The book is framed around the concept of BARE: Balance, Affection, Responsibility, and Emotional Connection, with two chapters for each concept. There are helpful ideas for each of the concepts, but I found the chapter on Teamwork to be especially enlightening. Their explanation of understanding a task through the lens of Concept, Planning, and Execution is really helpful for helping couples balance responsibilities in a marriage and understanding why a spouse might get frustrated and overwhelmed by hidden imbalances.
Overall, The Marriage You Want is the marriage book you want, or at least the marriage book you need to read.
While some marriage books left me feeling that marriage would be a lifelong challenge, the Marriage You Want offers a vision of enjoyable marriage where two people face the challenges of this world together. Whether you’re engaged or newlywed wanting to start of the right foot, a married couple wondering why marriage seems like such a struggle, or a happy married couple wondering if you’re doing it right, you’ll find this book helpful.
(30% off and free shipping within the U.S.)
(40% off!)
(Amazon alternative for Canadians)
(for Australians)
(supports local bookstores in the US)
I love that encouragement!
And so many of the reviews have the same feel–that this book is different–because it is!
And it’s time.
It’s time for something healthy, something based on teamwork rather than hierarchy, something that doesn’t just spread the same platitudes.
And I’m praying this book will break in and make a real difference–which it can, if you all talk it up, and let your friends know about it. It’s hard to get a book to take root because we don’t have access to big media. We’re just a small team from Canada, with me on yellow chair, and Keith working at the kitchen counter between work shifts, and Rebecca balancing babies, and Joanna working in a small closet.
We don’t have huge institutions behind us.
We just have YOU
All of you who took the surveys; you who believe in what we’re doing; you who know our books change the conversation.
So spread the word, tell your friends and pastors and sisters and mothers, and let’s get a new convo about marriage going in the evangelical church!
Why do you think the same books have sold for years? Do you notice anything about them? Do you think people mostly get them as gifts? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila, from which site will it benefit you the most when I buy your book?
Thanks!
I don’t know that it matters that much! Amazon gets us up in the rankings; I may make more of an advance from Baker (but no affiliate fee!). so it’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Thanks for asking!
Yes! When I got married in 2015, I was gifted many of the books on that list. Read some parts, didn’t read all of them. And I’m so thankful to have unlearned those toxic teachings!
We love the Great Sex Rescue and your podcast.
My husband just read the Guys Guide to Great Sex and after 4 kids, and 10 years of marriage with mostly sad/no sex, we have hit the jackpot and the big O!
Thank you so much Gregoires! You guys are prophets! Go get em.
Oh my goodness! That’s so good to hear!!!
By using the points on my Prime card, I got Amazon to purchase a book from you to send to me. We all win! Hahaha!
Congratulations, I think this book will represent a real breakthrough (maybe finally putting *some* people out of business) and I can’t wait to read it!
I love this!
Interesting! This “gift or study group” thing has certainly been my experience of Christian marriage books but I hadn’t thought about that being the pattern for the market as a whole. It makes a lot of sense though!
I may not be right–but I don’t know how else to interpret that discrepancy!
So interesting! I’m guessing it’s the 2000 edition of Sacred Marriage that’s the “best seller?” I looked it up because I thought it was more recent but looks like there’s a 2015 revised version?
Even discounting the lack of research in these books, from a social science perspective they’re outside a date range that would normally be seen as acceptable. Why, oh why, do we plugging away at these?
Possibly, it’s because people think that spiritual truths don’t date and so therefore a 30-year-old ‘Christian’ marriage book can be just as good as a 1-year-old one (and maybe even better, if you believe that ‘everyone is watering down Christian teaching these days’!) It’s another of those ‘little bit of truth mixed in’ things. Because they would be quite right that spiritual truths don’t date – I have been blessed by some Christian books that were written over a century ago, but these were books dealing with Christian character, the attributes of God etc…NOT social/personal interactions. A book on prayer written in 1890 could well still be relevant and helpful today, but a marriage book written at the same time is unlikely to be worthwhile reading!
“If you’re unhappy, you can’t divorce, but that’s okay because think of the great reward you’ll get in heaven!”
“In the Sweet Bye and Bye,
You’ll get Pie in the Sky when you Die…”
— Old IWW (Wobbly) march song “The Preacher and the Slave”
Hi Sheila,
Really appreciate you drawing attention to all of these concerns and providing not only biblical based advice but the fact that you have researched based data that is being published in journals which speaks volumes. {Cant resist the pun} I am also pleased you acknowledge that “Boundaries in Marriage” doesn’t fit the poor criteria you outline. Give the good guys a thumbs up emoji so is seen readily. Just a suggestion. (But maybe not a thumbs down besides the bad guys as you have clearly outlined your concerns with these}
Curious why the Pearls book, “Selected to be his Helpmeet” not on the list.
I only included the top 10 best-sellers, and that wasn’t on the list. There are lots of other marriage books, but these ones consistently are in the top 10 over time (not necessarily now, but I looked at about 5 years of best-seller lists, and assigned points, and this is what I came up with!