Wifey Wednesday: 50 Conversation Starters For Couples

by | Mar 9, 2016 | Uncategorized | 38 comments

50 Conversation Starters for Couples: Great for date nights or for starting to get to know each other again!

Fun conversation starters for couples: Does that sound kind of fake? Like if you need conversation topics, then you’ve got a problem?

Today’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I thought I’d list some great conversation starters that you can use with your husband when you want to start connecting–but aren’t sure where to start.

Keith and I are just back from teaching at a FamilyLife weekend marriage conference, and one of the things we really stressed was this:

When you stop talking about the little things, you lose the ability to talk about the big things in your marriage.

John Gottman, a marriage researcher, has done some amazing work on breaking down what makes a successful relationship and what makes a relationship on really rocky ground. He’s so good that he’s able to predict, after seeing a couple interact for just 15 minutes, which couples will divorce within 10 years to incredible accuracy, because he’s learned which tiny things really matter.

One of his big findings was this: in successful marriages, you have 5 positive conversations and interactions to every 1 straining one–a 5:1 ratio. But in struggling marriages that split, the ratio is 1:1.

So we have to be intentional about having those positive interactions! But that can be tough, especially with kids, if you’re always exhausted and most conversations have to do with groceries and schedules and naptimes.

Today, then, I’m going to give you 50 conversation starters that are intentional: these married date night questions are focused on building memories and dreams together.

And then I’ll give you five ideas on how to use them!
What’s more, if you would rather have this list with you so you can take it on the go, you can download it for iPhone, Tablet or Computer!

Get Your Free Conversation Starters!

 

50 Conversation Starters for Couples:

  1. When do you last remember laughing with me the most?
  2. Some people talk to figure out what they’re thinking, and some people don’t talk until they know what they’re thinking. Which do you think you are? Which do you think I am?
  3. What does the word “affection” mean to you? What does the word “romance” mean to you?
  4. What’s one time lately that I’ve made you feel great about yourself? How can I do that more often?
  5. What’s your favorite sexual memory with me? Want to recreate it?
  6. What’s a favorite memory from when we were dating? What made it so fun?
  7. What was a time your mom really messed up with talking to you or punishing you when you were a kid?
  8. What was a time when your dad really messed up with talking to you or punishing you when you were a kid?
  9. What’s something you never confessed to your parents until much later–that you laugh about now?
  10. What song from the radio did you just HATE when you were in your early teens? Why?

11. What movie did you see when you were really too young to watch it? What effect did it have on you?
12. When did you first find out about sex? Who told you? What did you think?
13. Do you remember sleepover parties from when you were a kid? What did you like about them? What did you hate about them?
14. Who was your best friend when you were 9? Do you know what happened to him/her?
15. Who was your favorite teacher in elementary school? What did you like about him or her?
16. What’s your most embarrassing memory from junior high?
17. What was your favorite toy as a kid that kids don’t really play with now? (If we have kids, should we try to find it for them?)
18. Tell me about your first crush. Why did you like him/her? Did you ever tell him/her?
19. Who is your favorite relative from my side of the family?
20. Who do you miss the most who is waiting for you in heaven?

When you stop talking about the little things, you lose the ability to talk about the big things in your marriage. 

21. Who from your past, outside of your immediate family, do you wish that I had had the chance to meet?
22. Between your parents and your grandparents, who do you think you are most like? In what ways?
23. Set a timer for four minutes and tell your life story. (This one’s interesting to see what your spouse considers the most important highlights!)
24. What did you want to be when you were 10 years old?
25. What were some of your favorite games to play when you were a kid? Do you see any parallels to what you chose to do as a career/calling?
26. When did you first get that definite feeling, “God is here. He is real.”? Where were you? What were you doing?
27. What prayer have you been praying for years–and wonder if it will ever be answered?
28. What word speaks to you most–love or justice? Why? (hint: there is no right answer, since God is both).
29. What’s your favorite Bible verse (even if you can’t remember it word perfectly)? Why?
30. If you could be any historical figure for a week, who would it be?

31. If you could ask advice from any historical figure, who would it be? What would you ask them?
32. If you could go back to 1936 and kill Hitler without being caught, would you? If so, how? Would you feel guilty about it?
33. What subject do you find interesting now that you hated in school? Why do you like it now, and why did you not like it then? How would you have taught it differently?
34. If you could be president without having to campaign, would you do it? If so, what’s the first big change that you’d try to make?
35. Name two things you want to be remembered for. How can I help you develop those two things?
36. What does the word “success” mean to you?
37. What dream have you put on the back burner? Do you think it’ll stay there forever, or would you like to still live it out one day? How can I help?
38. What normal food that most people eat do you wish you liked but you just don’t?
39. What’s one pet peeve of yours that you wish that you could get rid of–because it hampers your enjoyment of life?
40. What’s your idea of a perfect vacation?

41. If you were on a desert island, but your needs for food and shelter were totally taken care of, what one luxury item would you wish for?
42. What’s the farthest you’ve ever walked? Why did you walk there?
43. When you go to the zoo, what animal do you like to watch the most? Why?
44. You have unlimited money and time. Describe to me your ideal “room” in a house where you would feel the most comfortable.
45. Name an activity you used to do when you were younger that you don’t do anymore–but you’d likely enjoy if you started again. Do you think we could/should add it to our lives now?
46. When did you last cry by yourself? How can I help you more when you’re upset?
47. The house is on fire, but everyone is safely out, the pets are safely out, and all wallets/cash are saved. If you could make one last dash to get something, what would it be?
48. What is your earliest memory?
49. Do you ever have recurring nightmares? What are they about?
50. Choose one superpower: invisibility; flight; teleportation; reading minds; super strength. Why did you choose that? Would you be temped to use your power for evil?

If you want to have ideas ready to go at all times, get a copy of this list on your iPhone, Tablet, or Computer

Get Your Free Conversation Starters!

But it’s not enough to have a list of married date night questions! Now that you have these conversation starters, how are you going to actually use them?

5 Ideas to Weave These Conversation Topics into Your Everyday Marriage:

  1. Write 3 on a piece of paper, or put them on your phone, and go for a walk every night after dinner and talk about them. Take turns answering each one. If you have little kids, just put the kids in a stroller and bring them with you.
  2. Have kids? Take 15 minutes after dinner and tell the kids to play, because it’s Mommy/Daddy time. Clean up the dishes together and talk through 3 conversation topics.
  3. Head to bed 15 minutes earlier than usual and use 3 conversation starters while laying down.
  4. Have “Saturday Breakfasts with a Purpose”, where every week you share a special breakfast and work through 10 conversation topics. If you have kids, feed them something fast first and let them do chores, homework, or even watch Netflix while you take special Mommy/Daddy time.
  5. Use 3 conversation topics each night during dinner. Eat without any television or movies, and instead talk with each other!

Remember: the more you get to know each other and talk about real things, the easier it will be to deal with anything else that comes up in marriage! So try some of these married date night questions when you’re looking for some conversation starters on your next date night. Don’t be lazy, and don’t drift apart. Keep talking. It makes all the difference–and it’s a lot easier than you think!

How have you kept conversation going in your marriage? Let me know in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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38 Comments

  1. Elyse

    Such great conversation starters! We take 10 minutes before bed and do “gratefuls” where we say what we are grateful for that day, and then we usually ask each other silly hypothetical questions so I’ll be adding these to our list, so thanks!

    Reply
    • Sheila

      That sounds fun! I love those “would you rather” type questions, too! I should come up with some of those…

      Reply
      • LB

        Thank you Sheila, these are good fun, relaxing questions my mate and I definitely need before going to bed

        Reply
  2. Christine

    Hi Sheila! I’ve read your site off and on for a little over a year, and maybe I missed something about where you stand on Planned Parenthood, but IMO, it’s a little disheartening to see an ad for it on your site. Not trying to start a debate; just my initial thought when I clicked on this post. Thanks for considering it.

    Reply
    • Sheila

      Hi Christine–I’m so sorry! I try to control what ads show up, but sometimes one comes through. If you EVER see anything like that again, if you could take a screen shot and send it to me, that would be super helpful because then I can send it in to the ad network and ask them to take it down. Unfortunately I need the ad income from the network to pay for the costs of the blog, and unfortunately there aren’t any Christian ad networks! I try to opt out of all the subjects I don’t want, but sometimes they sneak through because they’re categorized incorrectly.

      Reply
      • Kylie Oneill

        We have just had a huge fight because I interjected while he was telling me something. He has this idea that he talks and I shut up and listen. I tell him that that is an autocracy not a relationship. That conversation occurs when both people speak . Suggestions?

        Reply
        • Sheila Gregoire

          Hi Kylie! That’s a difficult one, because it could be any number of things. Extroverts like to process and think out loud, and when a thought occurs, we like to voice it right away. Introverts, on the other hand, often think deeply about something before they say it, so if they are interrupted, it seems much more serious. It could be a simple introvert/extrovert differential.

          If, on the other hand, he never listens to you or doesn’t know how to have conversation, or dismisses what you say in general, that’s far more serious. So I’d say find out if it’s just a personality difference, and if it’s more than that, then it may be time to read the book Boundaries or read my post on emotionally destructive marriages!

          Reply
        • Tiffany

          Hi Kylie,
          It’s heartbreaking to hear of couples struggling the way you’ve describes! God has designed our husbands to be our blessing as we are their blessing.. Unfortunately siince we are all sinful (Romans 3:23) and therefore innately selfish. Come together in prayer! Who better to lead you and your hubby than the Creator of heaven and earth! Seek His counsel from a BIBLE teaching church! Not all Church’s attually teach the whole Bible many just touch on the warm and cozy . Did you know God has designed for you and your husband to live out your marriage in the way He designed it? And to expect God to bless your marriage if your not honoring Him who created it is just absurd. Repent, which means turn.. turn for your natural sinful desires. Out your trust in Jesus that He has paid the penalty for your sins. And fight to obey! Fight to trust! Your marriage will turn around when God is in the center!

          Reply
        • Heidi

          My husband and I have struggled with something like this but in reverse. I need to be allowed to finish my thoughts and my husband gets really excited and wants to interrupt in the middle. It makes me feel like what I am saying isn’t as important to him as whatever pops into his head to say. He was really stunned when I told him I thought it was rude when he didn’t wait until I had finished to comment.

          For us it is really a cognitive difference. I struggle getting what I think into words, and I need time to do that out loud. My husband is much quicker with going from a thought to a structured conversation and it is really hard for him to wait for me to “catch up.”

          If what you are dealing with is similar you could try coming up with a verbal cue that your husband can give when he really needs you just to hear him out before you speak. I have learned to start by telling my husband “I need you to hear me out before you comment.” or something like that.

          Both spouses need a chance to be themselves in conversation so I also have learned (am still learning) to let my husband cut me off when he gets excited and just go with it sometimes too.

          If your husband is not willing to give you the floor when he is finished that is not a personality difference it is wrong, and my advice would be you should to talk about both being of equal value in your marriage and possibly bring in a third qualified person to help if you can’t work out a solution together.

          Reply
    • Meg

      I just wanted to let you know that she probably has no control over ads on her blog. Ads anywhere these days are “targeted ads” meaning that they use the cookies from your browsing activity to choose ads that may be relevant to you. Ever notice that you suddenly see ads everywhere of a specific item you were recently looking at online? If you looked at something that had to do with pregnancy, abortion or PP, that’s probably why you saw an ad for it. Just a little insight!

      Reply
  3. Karen

    These questions require so much thought! I would be terrible at this. I would be all, “what’s one thing I should save from the fire? . . . ” Five minutes later . . . “Just one thing? I don’t know! It’s such a hard choice.” Lol, can you tell I’m indecisive? But really, you’re right, having conversations is the best. Really important, and I appreciate your prompts. Something that I enjoy doing too is watching or reading the same controversial video/article and discussing it with the husband. Something on the side of controversial makes it easier to come up with immediate opinions, and regardless of whether or not we agree with each other, it’s fun to discuss.

    Reply
    • Eliza

      Glad I’m not the only one!

      Reply
  4. Angie

    Hard to have ANY conversations with our toddler around. Walks are out because hubby gets home too late, baby sleeps with me so she usually won’t allow me to put her to bed early, and we are BOTH just flat out exhausted and stressed. Surviving not thriving sucks. Something major keeps coming up all the time also, from baby getting sick to father-in-law (who lives with us now as he is 88 and alone) possibly having cancer, to injuries with both of us. I hate the advice of just wait it out because we might not have tomorrow. Hubby has health problems due to being extremely overweight and I’m afraid I’ll lose him one day soon.

    Reply
    • Eu B

      I hope you can find a time to connect with your husband. It is so important for the relationship. We make an effort to connect every day at some point (usually bedtime). It would be nice if you could have your bed to yourself so bedtime could be a time of connection.

      Reply
  5. M

    We are planning a marriage retreat and would like to use these questions as part of the gift bag we are giving to couples. Would it be ok for us to reproduce these questions and use them for this purpose?

    Reply
    • Sheila

      Absolutely! If you could put a link to the blog with them, and maybe a copy of the book covers for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex, that would be absolutely fine. Thanks for asking! Best wishes on your retreat.

      Reply
      • M

        Excellent! Thank you so much!

        Reply
  6. Pedro Cheung

    Thanks for sharing these great questions and conversation starters. I am woefully failing in cultivating conversation and communication with my wife, and these suggestions are very helpful. Thanks for this article and your website.

    Reply
    • Lisa Hetherington

      We’re going on a road trip too. GREAT idea! Great questions, Sheila. I was struggling to figure out a way/time to incorporate these into our emotionally distant marriage. Fabulous! 🙂

      Reply
  7. Hazel

    I guess I always feel fake using these kind of questions. Hubby always looks at me funny and says I don’t know… and to be honest… I don’t know either. I mean who cares what superpower you want or whatever… I don’t know.

    Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      I think it’s fun to daydream together! And I think that’s what a lot of these questions do. 🙂 They encourage you to think about parts of yourself that you wouldn’t otherwise, and share it with each other! But if these questions don’t work for you, the point of the post is just to keep communicating, whether it’s through these questions or a daily “check-in” time! Find what works, and never stop talking!

      Reply
  8. John Brion

    My husband and I left our kids with my brother and his wife and had a nice night away in the city. After we fully discussed the kids we were a little stuck for topics (after 12 years together). I googled conversation starters and these came up and worked great! Will be using them again. Thanks for helping.

    Reply
  9. Phil

    Wow Sheila. I recall seeing this on your blog back in 2016 and thought it didnt apply to me that day. Its just for her….What a didference a year + of work can make in your marriage. I TOTALLY see the value in this today. (Phil shakes his head). So glad to be where I am today. Thanks – its book marked now 😀

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Oh, I’m so glad!

      Reply
  10. Mike

    I read all you have to say and can’t wait to try them

    Reply
  11. Sarah

    I think it is also important to have certain rituals in a marriage. Fir example, my husband and I put on each others’ wedding rings in the morning and give them a kiss. Sometime one or the other forgets to take it off at night and we just get the kiss, but we do this every morning before we start our day. It is special to us, doesn’t require a lot of words, and is a reminder that we love each other before the day goes crazy.

    Reply
  12. Cynthia

    Hi Shelia, my husband and I have been married 24 years. He is not a talker so tonight on our anniversary I found your list of questions. We went through every one of them and I learned so much! I can’t believe I have been living this life for so long with the man of my dreams and still got to experience him in an even more intimate level. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, that’s so wonderful! (And you did EVERY question? Wow!)

      Reply
  13. Barbara

    Ya, married 40+ years and the only thing we are good at is working together. I am going to try a few of these again and see what happens, but he’s likely to say ” reading those books again?”. I just can’t quit trying

    Reply
  14. Michele

    Hi Sheila,

    I recently have found your blog and I love it. So much information here and a perspective on marriage and sex that I really can appreciate and relate to. So, thank you! We are reconnecting with a couple that was in our wedding and hoping to build that marriage support system that you talk about and is so important. I tried to download these 50 conversation starters, to share at our next get together, but the link is not available at this time. I thought I’d let you know and if you could get back to me on if it will be made available again.

    Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      Thanks for letting us know, Michele! It’s up and working now! 🙂

      Reply
  15. Chantal

    I have never been a talker and in the 20 years that my husband and I have been together (married for 10) there was never a lot of talking for hours on end – my husband yearns for these types of conversations, and I am stuck, my mind is not working well. I also want those talk till 3am in the mornings but just cannot seem to voice my thoughts or have any thoughts for that matter 🙁
    I downloaded your 50 conversation starters and my husband just looks at me weird and just say, I don’t know…..and then it goes nowhere.
    We have drifted apart for many years now, I didn’t notice it until it was too late, he wants to actually separate because of this communication difficulties and he says that he does not find me sexually attractive anymore and does not love me in that way anymore. He says I am not adventurous enough in the bedroom and past experiences where I apparently said that doing something that I felt uncomfortable with, and raised it, made him not wanting to make love with me anymore.
    I recently found out that he had an affair for about a year and a half; I am devastated and hurt deeply. I want to fix our marriage, its hard not to think about the other woman who he claims has been a very good friend to him and he could have endless conversations with her. He stopped seeing her when I found out about it about 2 months ago, but the fear of him still seeing her behind my back is killing me slowly.

    How do I rebuild our relationship after all these and more barriers?

    We have 2 beautiful little girls together and he is an amazing father to them. He is an amazing man who is always helping me with household chores.
    I love him dearly, but don’t seem to know where to start.
    I have ordered your book; good girls guide to great sex, it should arrive in a couple of weeks. I really hope that it will give me insight and the knowledge to rekindle our friendship and then rebuilding our marriage.

    Thank you for your website.

    Reply
    • Shelly-Ann

      I’m sorry to hear and hope that things went in your favour since so much time has passed. I’m just finding this blog as I type.

      Reply
  16. Gopi patel

    Helpful artical.
    Thanks for a well written and informative post

    Reply
  17. Tim

    A friend of mine runs a pro-life site and encourages people to click on the Planned Parenthood ads because then Planned Parenthood money goes to her for her pro-life work.

    Also, great list.

    Reply
  18. Doris

    Nice one, I’m really going to try out this questions o because sometimes I don’t really know what to ask.
    Thank you

    Reply
  19. Kim

    My partner and I are living apart after being together for 14 years. We talk every night but it is very dissatisfying. Usually just a synopsis of our day and what the dog is doing. I can’t wait to try these. I think he will be open to it as well. We need to connect with each other again and hoping this will help. Thank you.

    Reply

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