What if great sex means that guys kind of have to be, well, super generous?
Keith joined me for another podcast today aimed mostly (but not entirely) at the men! Every month, on the last week of the month, I like to do a “Start Your Engines” podcast for guys. And since I’m not recording next week with Christmas, we thought we’d record it this week. And that’s what we were looking at–the dynamics of making sex great.
Main Segment: Great sex is really just math.
As Keith shared, on average, men take 6 minutes to reach climax through intercourse. Women take more than 20.
So that means that if you’re both going to have great sex, he’s going to have to be doing a lot of foreplay to get her aroused beforehand. And that’s exactly how God designed it.
Too often we think that women need to “catch up” to men, and figure out how to enjoy it like men do. But really, the way that God made our bodies, with the clitoris OUTSIDE the vagina, means that God intended foreplay to be a big part of the encounter. He intended that she would be the focus of attention. So Keith and I talked about that for a while, and I mentioned these posts:
Read the Do Not Deprive Series:
Reader Question: But what if my wife doesn’t WANT that attention?
That’s the rub, isn’t it? Sometimes the reason sex isn’t great in marriage is because the guy isn’t being as generous as he should. But I know that it’s likely that just as often women themselves don’t want that attention, because they’re uncomfortable with sex. We answered this question from a man who listened to the last Start Your Engines podcast:
I love your work on helping couples achieve a fulfilling sex life. I am right now listening to your Oct 31 podcast on the above subject. Your suggestion is good on framing a guy’s initiation around I want US to have a great sex life, and I want you to experience everything God has in store for us as a couple. The problem comes when she replies something to the effect of, “But I DO enjoy our sex together”, and she doesn’t really see that there CAN be more.
From my perspective, we have had a tremendously boring sex life for many many years. She is just happy with “the basics”. ..kissing, caressing, me get on top, and we go for the finish line. There’s no sense of naughty teasing and pleasing and exploring together. I introduce new things to arouse her, and she enjoys them, but she somehow doesn’t connect that SHE can do those things too, to spice things up. Bottom line, she is a “vanilla” type of woman, sexually. She has said in the past that, for instance, she doesn’t like doing oral sex because it is sinful and dirty.
Your podcast assumes that women are open to exploring new avenues together, if it is approached in the right way. That can sometimes just not be the case. Any ideas?
We tackled this one, and explained why so many women grow up feeling as if sex is yucky or else something that they can’t really surrender to (and why God made us to surrender).
I’d also suggest trying either 31 Days to Great Sex (which helps you target some of people’s hesitations about sex and helps her be the center of attention) and my Sexy Dares.
Are you ready to spice things up?
Reader Question: My Spouse is Jealous of Past Relationships
Finally, we answered this question from a woman (although I hear similar problems from men, too):
I am wondering if you can write a post on getting over your spouse’ sexual past. My hubby is amazing but the last year he has been battling retroactive jealousy ocd . It has really taken a toll on our 20-year marriage. Something triggered it, my looking up old boyfriends on Facebook. Not to converse with them, but just to see what their life was like now. Now, he is having a really hard time getting over my past and just dwells on things that aren’t even accurate about my past. We are both Christians. I don’t know how to help him. It’s like he needs validation from me constantly, and is so up and down leaving me not knowing if he is okay or not.
Great question. Listen in to our answer, and chime in in the comments, too!
And, of course, I gave away some prizes, too, for two new people who signed up to the email list since the last podcast. You can sign up, too!
So what do you think? Why did God make us with that 6 minute vs. 20 minute difference? And why is it that some women don’t want to be the focus of attention? Let’s talk!