What if great sex means that guys kind of have to be, well, super generous?
Keith joined me for another podcast today aimed mostly (but not entirely) at the men! Every month, on the last week of the month, I like to do a “Start Your Engines” podcast for guys. And since I’m not recording next week with Christmas, we thought we’d record it this week. And that’s what we were looking at–the dynamics of making sex great.
Main Segment: Great sex is really just math.
As Keith shared, on average, men take 6 minutes to reach climax through intercourse. Women take more than 20.
So that means that if you’re both going to have great sex, he’s going to have to be doing a lot of foreplay to get her aroused beforehand. And that’s exactly how God designed it.
Too often we think that women need to “catch up” to men, and figure out how to enjoy it like men do. But really, the way that God made our bodies, with the clitoris OUTSIDE the vagina, means that God intended foreplay to be a big part of the encounter. He intended that she would be the focus of attention. So Keith and I talked about that for a while, and I mentioned these posts:
Read the Do Not Deprive Series:
Reader Question: But what if my wife doesn’t WANT that attention?
That’s the rub, isn’t it? Sometimes the reason sex isn’t great in marriage is because the guy isn’t being as generous as he should. But I know that it’s likely that just as often women themselves don’t want that attention, because they’re uncomfortable with sex. We answered this question from a man who listened to the last Start Your Engines podcast:
I love your work on helping couples achieve a fulfilling sex life. I am right now listening to your Oct 31 podcast on the above subject. Your suggestion is good on framing a guy’s initiation around I want US to have a great sex life, and I want you to experience everything God has in store for us as a couple. The problem comes when she replies something to the effect of, “But I DO enjoy our sex together”, and she doesn’t really see that there CAN be more.
From my perspective, we have had a tremendously boring sex life for many many years. She is just happy with “the basics”. ..kissing, caressing, me get on top, and we go for the finish line. There’s no sense of naughty teasing and pleasing and exploring together. I introduce new things to arouse her, and she enjoys them, but she somehow doesn’t connect that SHE can do those things too, to spice things up. Bottom line, she is a “vanilla” type of woman, sexually. She has said in the past that, for instance, she doesn’t like doing oral sex because it is sinful and dirty.
Your podcast assumes that women are open to exploring new avenues together, if it is approached in the right way. That can sometimes just not be the case. Any ideas?
We tackled this one, and explained why so many women grow up feeling as if sex is yucky or else something that they can’t really surrender to (and why God made us to surrender).
I’d also suggest trying either 31 Days to Great Sex (which helps you target some of people’s hesitations about sex and helps her be the center of attention) and my Sexy Dares.
Are you ready to spice things up?
Reader Question: My Spouse is Jealous of Past Relationships
Finally, we answered this question from a woman (although I hear similar problems from men, too):
I am wondering if you can write a post on getting over your spouse’ sexual past. My hubby is amazing but the last year he has been battling retroactive jealousy ocd . It has really taken a toll on our 20-year marriage. Something triggered it, my looking up old boyfriends on Facebook. Not to converse with them, but just to see what their life was like now. Now, he is having a really hard time getting over my past and just dwells on things that aren’t even accurate about my past. We are both Christians. I don’t know how to help him. It’s like he needs validation from me constantly, and is so up and down leaving me not knowing if he is okay or not.
Great question. Listen in to our answer, and chime in in the comments, too!
And, of course, I gave away some prizes, too, for two new people who signed up to the email list since the last podcast. You can sign up, too!
So what do you think? Why did God make us with that 6 minute vs. 20 minute difference? And why is it that some women don’t want to be the focus of attention? Let’s talk!
The 6 vs 20 minute difference, just off the top of my head.
My guess is that in most (not all, as everybody is different) marriages, the woman tends to do more of the giving and sacrificing. Maybe this difference was set up to teach men to be giving and sacrificing as well.
A good (bad, actually) example is from one of my favorite TV shows that I use to highlight the sex dynamic in marriage: EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. An ongoing gag in the show is that Ray always wants sex, but his wife Debra is always too tired, too busy, not in the mood, etc. Also, Ray looks at sex as just the physical act and otherwise virtually completely ignores his wife until they go to bed.
Ray and a friend were talking to a woman co-worker. I forgot the exact dialogue, but it was something like they asked her “why don’t women like sex?”. She said that they do, but they need to be aroused, get in the mood, be touched, and so on.
Ray’s response was “We’re married! I don’t have time to do that stuff!”
Wow, you used my comment (the last one)! Thank you so much. My husband and I have been thru a ton this last year and hearing you two talk has really helped my heart. When we were married I was a new Believer (altho grew up hearing bad teaching- “Every mans battle” love and respect, etc) and my husband wasn’t a Believer until a few years into our marriage and we never really talked about our pasts. I never wanted to feel like a number and because I had not seen good men growing up and didn’t have good experiences in high school (was sexually harassed and bothered by older boys a lot) I had these preconceived false ideas that my husband had been with a lot of people and really even after many years didn’t know his love for me. Add that with him coming from a really sad abusive childhood (and him keeping things from me and not feeling open and connected enough to share with me) and it has been difficult. Like you and Keith said, we really needed to have hard conversations years ago and that never happened. Plus life getting busy with kids, we needed to build a friendship and laugh together! I am happy to say I have seen God bring so much healing to our marriage. He has done far more abundantly than I could imagine! We now have a connection we both have longed for and God continued to bring healing.
Oh, that’s amazing! i’m so glad. It’s so nice when I hear good updates from some of the people who write in.
Thank you! I hope to help others more with different things I have learned. There were so many years where we both longed for a good connection, but just couldn’t get there. Years of feeling so sad because we barely had sex, we didn’t have that friendship, and I could tell something wasn’t right and it drove me crazy. I think at different times, I drove us both crazy trying to figure it out too and times when he just pushed me away more. But, I want people to know you can have that connection you long for, God does bring healing, hang in there! We could have gotten a divorce so many times, but stuck out the commitment and now we are both SO, SO thankful. We have a new love for each other! God has used your blog a lot to give me freedom too. Thank you, Sheila for your hard work!
“Why did God make us with that 6 minute vs. 20 minute difference? And why is it that some women don’t want to be the focus of attention?”
Cynically, because God likes men better. Between our physically smaller size, the misery of pregnancy, hormonal swings, pain during intercourse, and the fact that orgasms are elusive for many women and non-existent for a lot of us, it’s kind of hard to escape the conclusion that God designed women’s bodies to serve men’s needs, not our own.
Varied answers as to why women don’t want to be the focus of attention. Many may have spouses who will do things for them in the expectation of getting that or more in return, and sex with strings attached isn’t a nice thought. Maybe it just doesn’t matter: it’s not all that good no matter what, so why bother?
Hearing those words my heart breaks for you. I understand your feelings and struggles from the opposite side so to speak.
I love my Wife and will do almost anything for her. I have struggled for a long time with why I have such a strong desire for physical intimacy and she does not. It makes me feel inadequate, unworthy, and unloved in those times of rejection. I have often wanted to be free of my desire to be with her because it seemed to do nothing but get in the way of our relationship.
Reading this blog and posts like this help me understand the disconnect. We live on n a broken world that despite the redemption of Jesus still exists under the curses of the fall in genesis. Cynicism is easy in a world full of sex, race, socioeconomic, and cultural based inequalities and injustice. Apart from the redemption of Jesus this world is without hope.
If we choose see through the eyes of a loving God these differences can be seen as intentional to make sure true love making drives the couple into a deeper relationship. Reinforcing the bonds between them giving them strength for the difficult seasons of life.
I choose to see the later out of faith in the God who created and saved me.
Not sure if anyone else had this problem, but the version of the podcast I listened to (here on the site itself) has random music cut in (much louder than the voices) from about 32:36-32:43. I think it’s part of the song that starts playing at 33:09.
And thanks for providing this for us men!
Thanks, Scott. I’ll let Connor know who does the editing!