Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?

by | Oct 28, 2020 | Sex | 5 comments

When Orgasm is Elusive: What's Most Important for a Breakthrough

I’m pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they’re going to head right to Module 4.

That’s where we talk about sexual technique and how to figure out arousal and orgasm! That’s where we go over erogenous zones and how most women like to be touched and what tends to make her feel good!

And that’s all well and good, because there’s great specific information in Module 4, and a lot of encouragement to get you there!

But there’s also a reason that sexual technique is Module 4, not Module 1.

For most (but not all) women, the problems with reaching orgasm are not only about figuring out how to touch her right.

Technique can certainly help, and it’s super important. But it’s not the main thing.

And it’s especially not the first thing.

Feeling sexual pleasure has two components: the mental component and the physical component.

For great sex, we have to:

  • mentally feel in a “sexy” frame of mind, ready to embrace sex and excited to experience pleasure;
  • and then we also have to physically get the right stimulation.

For many women, the problems with orgasm come not with the physical part, but with the mental part.

When you feel badly about sex; when you feel like sex is an obligation; when you feel hopeless about your body’s ability to respond–sex just isn’t going to work.

But not just that–when you have a hard time relaxing and listening to your body because your mind is filled with all kinds of other messages from other areas of your life, it’s going to be hard to respond sexually, too! When we have negative body image; when we’re super stressed; when we’re sad; when we’re overwhelmed; when our hormones are totally and completely out of whack, then orgasm is going to be more difficult.

In the Orgasm Course, then, we help women go through all the different things that could be holding that mental component of orgasm hostage. What’s stopping you from feeling sexual confidence and sexual desire? What’s stopping your sexual response?

If you’re like most women, there’s often not just one answer. It’s all kinds of things (that’s why we’re so complicated!). And to help women figure out which one relates best to them, we’ve created five “characters” that are composites of so many of the stories that we hear that can help them relate to their roadblocks and see them more easily. Last week I told you about one of them–The Engineer–who analyzes everything rather than just relaxes.

But all of the characters share one common roadblock, which really is the biggest one:

The biggest roadblock to orgasm, that we’ve been talking about and circling back to repeatedly for two months now, is quite simple:

We think that sex = intercourse, and anything else is “extra” or “bonus”. 

We emphasize the husband’s best route to orgasm, while de-emphasizing the wife’s. And because we equate sex with intercourse, then we feel as if we are all required to have intercourse–an act which makes him feel good–but we aren’t required to do foreplay or bring her to orgasm in other ways, because that’s “extra”.

And if intercourse is the main thing, and if that’s what she thinks she needs to do because she’s believed messages like “I’m obligated to give him sex because I can’t deprive him” or “I need to have sex with him or he’ll be tempted to lust or watch porn”, then she can end up feeling selfish if he’s trying to stimulate her in other ways and it’s taking too long. She feels like she’s being selfish; she’s being an impediment; her body isn’t working.

After all, he reaches orgasm so easily. What’s wrong with her? Why can’t she catch up? Why doesn’t her body respond the way his does?

Even if he doesn’t see sex this way, these are often messages that she has internalized which make it very hard for her to advocate for her own pleasure; ask for what feels good; or even figure out what feels good! She’s so focused on doing sex “right” that she isn’t able to relax and enjoy it and listen to her body. And so she feels like she’s broken.

We take his experience of sex as being the norm because it tends to be more automatic, and her experience is seen as a problem that needs to be solved.

In the Orgasm Course, we want to change all that.

Her orgasm is not a problem to be solved but an experience to discover. There is nothing wrong with her if she takes a while to get warmed up. There’s nothing wrong with her if the things that bring him pleasure are not the same things that bring her pleasure.

And she is not selfish for wanting and needing different stimulation.


The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what’s holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

I hear from so many men who would LOVE to help their wives feel good, but their wives can’t relax because they feel as if their pleasure is somehow wrong, or as if their bodies just don’t work, so they’d prefer for him to just hurry it up and get it over with.

That doesn’t sound fun for anybody.

And then we hear from so many women who would love to feel good and figure out what their bodies want, but their husbands don’t understand that they need to slow down and try different things.

No matter what the dynamic is in your marriage, we hope we can help you figure out what is holding orgasm back–so that you can actually open the floodgates!

And we’ve created two different versions of The Orgasm Course to do just that!

The women’s edition takes women through self-assessment exercises to identify harmful beliefs they may have about sex; to identify how relationship elements may be stopping orgasm; to identify if their physical or emotional health may be hurting them. Seriously, it’s hard to orgasm when your mental load is so intense from all the concerns of the household and you can’t turn them off!

But most of all, we assure women that it’s good and okay to want to feel good and to take time to listen to your body.

The men’s edition goes through this one big belief that may hold women back (whether she holds it or he holds it!), and the one big attitude shift that men can make that can unlock orgasm for her, while taking him through a self-assessment exercise to figure out how he can help lift any blocks she has to orgasm, too.

And then, of course, everyone gets to the fun part of technique!

So often when we try to reach orgasm we do this backwards.

We focus on technique when she still feels like she’s being selfish and broken for taking so long, and he can’t figure out why she needs all this anyway. We focus on technique before we’ve figured out how to help her feel relaxed in the first place. We focus on where to touch before we’ve focused on how to help her experience real arousal.

Instead, let’s start in the right place, and build from there.

Then technique isn’t just flipping, bopping, or rubbing the right way. It’s not just moving 1/4″ to the left. It’s actually listening to her body WANT something, because she’s already aroused. She already feels close to her husband. She already knows that this is something she wants, desires, and deserves.

So check out The Orgasm Course!


What’s been your biggest roadblock to orgasm? Is it something you defeated? Let’s talk in the comments!

Written by

Sheila Wray Gregoire


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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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  1. Elizabeth

    I know that I’m not going to hit a home run when I can’t even get to first base. Is there something more remedial that I should work on prior to attempting this course? I have read the Good Girls’ Guide and just signed up for the emotional connection series.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      NO! This is likely exactly what you need. Seriously, we don’t even get to physical technique until Module 4 of 5 (module 4 & 5 are all technique and tons of fun exercises, but the other stuff comes first). We really do start right at the beginning, with how you feel about sex, figuring out what could be holding you back, looking at how your beliefs have impacted you, looking at your relationship, etc. This may be exactly what you need!

  2. L

    Yes, I do think I go about this backwards…The mindset is a huge struggle for me.

    • L

      My husband will often say, “just think about how good it feels” BUT it doesn’t feel good. It often feels neutral or negative. So I don’t have these positive memories to boost me into a better mind frame.

      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        L, I think you may enjoy the podcast tomorrow, too. We’re talking about arousal non-concordance, and that could be what you’re experiencing as well.


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