One of the most frequent questions I get from men is this one:
How can I get my wife to understand my sexual needs?
He feels like he’s in a sex-starved marriage, and he’s desperate for sex. But the more he talks about sex, the more his wife pulls away.
What’s the solution?
Here’s the problem: I think that the way that we often portray men’s sex drives and talk about lust actually makes the sex-starved marriage problem worse.
And so I want to explore that dynamic today, and then present you with what I think is a much more positive message that honours God, honours husbands, and honours wives.
I write some of my comprehensive posts on my Substack first, and then repost them here so they’ll always be part of the Bare Marriage site! But you can subscribe to my Substack so you see them there first and can share them easily with your network too!
How did evangelicalism’s take on male sexuality go so far off track?
In the last twenty years sexuality has become a much bigger topic in churches, largely because it’s become such a huge topic in the wider culture, and the church has had to respond. And one of the most common things men come to their pastors about with help for marriage is that they aren’t getting enough sex. And so pastors ask themselves, “How can we solve this sex-starved marriage problem?”
Maybe if women just understood how their husbands were feeling, and understood that sex should not be an optional part of marriage, then they would have more sex! So sermon series are done on how God made men to have a really really really high sex drive and how he gave men wives as their sexual outlets. Pastors focus on 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, on the “do not deprive” verses.
At the same time, the church has been concerned about the plague of pornography. And so we start preaching about porn and lust, and we start warning everybody what a HUGE problem this is–it’s “every man’s battle”. And we tell teenage girls and women that they need to make it easier on men by what they wear. Then, to wives, they say, “you need to have sex more so he won’t lust.”
Now wives will start having sex, right? Because now they understand men’s experiences! So things will be better.
I contend that this approach actually exacerbates the problem.
And to explain this, I want to share what women experience.
We’ve heard about men’s experiences being visually stimulated and having to withstand pornography and stay pure in this culture.
Now let’s talk about how women experience everything to do with sex.
To start, a question to the men reading this: How many of you have a rape prevention strategy?
If you ask that question to any female over the age of 12, she will tell you all the things that are going through her mind constantly, whether she’s in a subway, walking on a road at night, or in the parking lot of a grocery store walking to her car. She is always aware of what’s going on around her, and always trying to avoid rape.
I taught my girls how to know when to cross to the other side of the road; when to turn around and start walking in the other direction; how to have your phone ready to dial 911. These are things that we women do automatically. It is constant. It is pervasive. It never, ever goes away. Sexual violence is always in the background of our lives.
So let’s picture a young teenage girl, who is forming her rape prevention strategies. She simultaneously has to accept living in a culture which completely objectifies her. In the grocery store magazines blast pictures of women’s breasts, and she knows she’ll never measure up. She develops body image issues that never entirely go away. And she also knows that men leer. A lot.
This girl then goes to youth group, where she and her friends are separated from the boys for “purity talks”. She is told that boys will lust after her, and so when they go to pool parties, she needs to wear a T-shirt to stop all of the boys from stumbling. She’s told that she has to watch what she wears in church, because she can cause her brothers in Christ to sin, and not just her fellow teens, but adult men, too. And that presumably includes even the pastor and the elders. They must be staring at her chest, too.
Then there’s a good chance that this girl is also a victim of sexual abuse, sexual assault, or date rape.
In college, she starts serving on the praise team, playing guitar. She is told to wear pants, and never skirts, especially ones at the knees, because men in the front row may try to look up her skirt, and all men will be distracted by her legs (yes, my daughters were actually told this). Oh, and don’t ever let cleavage show, or else men won’t be able to worship while she’s standing up there. She wonders whether she really wants to be on the praise team after all.
Fast forward a few years and she gets married—after waiting for sex. If she’s like 50.4% of couples (according to our research for our book The Marriage You Want), they made sure the husband reached orgasm even before they tried intercourse (it’s less likely that they made sure she experienced orgasm first, even though her orgasm is usually trickier.) And if she’s like 87% of couples, the first time they tried intercourse he reached orgasm, and she didn’t (even from other forms of stimulation). Sex started off mostly being about him, and it’s largely continued that way.
Maybe the two just never figured out how to make it feel good; maybe she’s ashamed of sex; maybe she’s always exhausted. Whatever the reason, sex becomes not very frequent. In fact, to be honest, she finds it a bit of an invasion. There are times when she knows that he “needs” it, but it feels very wrong that he can get that much pleasure when she’s just lying there. It feels like he’s using her. He’s actually inside of her, and she quite often feels absolutely nothing. But this is supposed to be the ultimate “act of love”. It doesn’t compute at all.
It’s supposed to make her feel intimate, but it often feels like the least intimate thing they could do, because it’s quite clear that she doesn’t matter at all.
Then she starts to hear sermons and read books that say aif she doesn’t have sex, her husband will lust after other women. She’s told that God made her to fulfill her husband’s sexual needs, and if she doesn’t meet them, he’s likely to look elsewhere, or at least be really, really, really tempted to look elsewhere.
And let me ask men honestly: If you were her, given her background, would that message make her MORE likely to want to have sex, or LESS likely to want to have sex?
She has spent her whole life in this culture being objectified and having sexual violence as a constant background noise. Sex has been primarily about her husband and not about her. And then she is told that God wants her to let her husband use her, so that her husband won’t sin. Now it feels as if God is objectifying her, too. It feels as if God is coercing her into sex—almost as if God is in her pimp. It feels as if no one actually cares that this is HER body (in fact, she’s told again and again that her body belongs to her husband).
So now sex is something very distasteful. It isn’t about her at all. It’s absolutely and only about her husband getting his needs met so that he won’t be grumpy and won’t stray. No one actually cares about the fact that he is literally entering her body. She is completely and utterly alone.
That is what many women experience when they start hearing the “all men struggle with lust” message.
Part of my contention in The Great Sex Rescue is that the church has come to see sex with the same error the world does: they are framing sex as solely a physical thing. The world obviously portrays sex as only about pleasure and not about commitment. But when the church then gives similar messages–about men’s sexual needs, and about lust–it makes the same error.
I am not saying that men don’t legimately desire sex (and many women do as well!). They absolutely do! But that is not the whole story.
To help couples have a healthy sex life, we need to start telling God’s whole story.
I did that in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, and I’m going to vastly summarize it here.
But if I were that pastor, talking to men who felt desperate for more sex in marriage, and women who were ambivalent about sex in marriage, I would say this:
To be honest, if I were a guy reading that message, I’d still be nervous. Maybe I’d rather have that guilt message, because it sounds more urgent. Women need to hear how big a deal this really is, and all this “airy fairy sex can be lovely” message doesn’t have the same punch.
But let me assure you, as a woman: This is a far better message. It calls us to something higher, something better. It points to a God who loves us, not a God who wants us to feel guilty or used. It points to mutually satisfying sex that is for both of us, not sex that was created primarily for one person. It calls us to disciple our sexuality, not use it to override The Golden Rule when we relate to our spouse.
It is not only more effective from a female point of view; It is kinder. It is more loving. And it is also more in line with how God made sex.
Because, you see, sex is not just about a man’s desire. Sex is about a relationship characterized by safety and intimacy. And if you take shortcuts to get desire met, you’ll find that nothing will ever satiate that desire, because it’s a not real intimacy at all.
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Women have been asked to be so sympathetic about men’s struggles.
We’ve been asked to understand what it is to be a guy. What I’m asking for is balance. Please, men, try to understand what it is to be a woman, trying to have a healthy sex life, when all the messages we hear from the culture and often from the church do everything to undermine that. And then ask: could we talk about this in a different way so that we can honour women, too, while moving towards greater well-being for everyone?
What do you think? Can we create a healthier message about sex drives and desires? Would you add anything? Let’s talk in the comments!
The big gray alternate-message box is simply a non-starter for most men.
Because men would have to think about something other than their penis.
Because men would have to exert effort to provide stimulation that does nothing for themselves, only for someone else.
Because men are the focus of the universe and no one else should interrupt that focus.
Because men were faking their emotional care and concern, their interest in her interests, their willingness to have the conversations that develop the closeness, during the entire dating and engaged period so they could trick a woman into marriage.
Because men think the wedding is the FINISH line, not the STARTING line, just like Jacob in Genesis 29:21: Then Jacob said to Laban, “Since my time is complete, give me my wife, so I can sleep with her.”
I feel like so much of this is because of how boys are raised. How do we reach them younger? My 4yo son is still very sweet and caring. He loves and protects bugs and animals. What happens between childhood and adulthood?
Yeah there really needs to be a good guide guide on how to raise boys to still be caring and compassionate and inoculate them against some of the harmful messages boys get taught. I worry about my cousin’s kids I am close to. There is so much nasty stuff in the church
I can’t give parenting advice, but I can say that when I was growing up, we stopped going to church when I was around 13 and any youth/children’s church where we went when I was younger was anemic. Not going to church as a teenager while also having a regular Bible reading practice and a strong focus on Biblical studies in school was one of the best things for my faith. I’m not saying this is the path for everyone. Two people can take the same path and have different outcomes.
On the other hand, and I’ll try to summarize an essay’s worth of thoughts, perhaps rethinking what role church serves in a family’s life might be beneficial. For example, perhaps church could be a place to ritually worship God and connect with people who have similar interests. Then the gathering together and learning about God part could be more informal and not run by an institution. It may take more work and discernment, but I really think if we move away from the idea that church events are the best and should take over our life, then we might have stronger faith. I know it’s shocking to say that church might not be good for you, but I’m not saying to leave church altogether. I’m saying to be thoughtful about what church is and to avoid getting sucked in by guilt-tripping appeals or social norms.
We need to get back to the New Testament view of church – they saw ‘church’ as a gathering of believers, wherever it took place. Most modern-day Christians view ‘church’ as either the building where Sunday services happen or as the activities which take place in that building.
In my view, it’s not possible for a Christian to leave church but keep their faith – because if they are a believer, they ARE church. A couple or family praying together in their own home? Church. Teenage friends chatting during college lunchbreak about what they read in their Bibles that morning? Church. Three guys going for a walk and discussing how God might want them to respond to a particular need in their town? Church…
Whenever we talk about church gatherings, we refer to meeting at [street address of our church building] or at ‘our building in [location]’. It’s a conscious decision to remind us all that church is NOT our building. We aren’t called to ‘do’ church, we are called to BE church. And we are church in many places and times during the week, not just on Sunday mornings in a specific building!
If our church culture is healthy, kids raised in that culture are far more likely to be healthy. I’m not saying that we don’t need to be careful about how we introduce certain topics to kids, but we have a much higher chance of getting those things right (e.g. marriage, relationships) if the overall culture is healthy. And if we are honest and open with our church kids, and develop a culture where they know they can ask questions without being treated like heretics, they are much more likely to be able to get good answers to their questions. We also need to normalise saying “I don’t have the answers, but I’ll look into it and get back to you” rather than making stuff up as we go along because we don’t want to admit to a 12-year-old that we don’t have all the answers. (Which is dumb, because they already know we don’t have all the answers.)
Completely agree!
Jo: What if (like me) you were a guy who wanted COMPANIONSHIP but all you could find in your search was SEX?
I ended up a 70-year-old virgin, InCel in the original meaning of the word.
So I am going to ask an honest question. How do you expect men to trust you and your reality and world view when you tell them both 1) your world view is both wrong and evil 2) Bible passages that clearly state one thing mean something completely different?
Both of these you are telling men they are not trustworthy and even evil for their actions and/or beliefs. Messages like this, comments like the one already posted, do anything to put men on your team, trust your message or hear what you are saying. It seems like you are saying women cannot handle the truth about the world, God or men so we must invent some false world, false realities and false beliefs to make you feel good and then maybe (we have to trust you) you will do right by us also. “I don’t trust you. But you must trust me.”
I am a happily married man with no dog in this fight in my own marriage. But as a man I read what you write and the comments and I say, “seriously, this is the argument you want to win men over with?” And you wonder why you get such push back.
If you want men to hear the reality of your life then you have to hear the reality of their life and you have to approach scripture honestly or all trust is broken. If you only believe the verses that do good for you then why should I trust you if what you say is the ultimate authority in life is so easily manipulated to your own ends?
To the normal Christian man your message is nails on a chalkboard and full of disrespect and dishonesty.
Here’s the thing: What I’m saying is true. If “normal Christian men” don’t like it, then the problem is not with me. All this post is calling for is that women get to matter in sex too. If you are so offended by that, I think that says far more about you than it does about me.
If you’re so upset by hearing what women go through, then perhaps that’s worth some introspection?
Thank you, Bare Marriage, for speaking truth and supporting healthy relationships that are life-giving for both marriage partners. This Jesus-honoring, biblical voice is so important in an evangelical world that distorts the Scriptures and thinks speaking God’s truth is disrespectful.
Can you give any examples of your points 1 and 2?
Can you explain to me how it is showing ‘disrespect and dishonesty’ to say that God designed sex to be good for both men and women? Or how this message teaches that ‘Bible passages that clearly state one thing mean something completely different’? Because I’m just not seeing it.
And if your reaction is typical of ‘normal Christian men’ as you claim, then I guess my husband isn’t normal – and I’m truly thankful for that. I’d much rather be married to a man who firmly believes that he is responsible for his own behaviour (including controlling any lust) and that physical intimacy that isn’t good for both of us is good for neither of us. If that makes him ‘abnormal’, so be it. And in that case, normal is overrated.
How exactly is it disrespectful to tell a Christian man that their wife wants to enjoy sex? How is it disrespectful to inform men that their wives could be enjoying sex if they would be mindful of what gets them to orgasim? Connection, love and actually spending time with her clitorious?
Ok, so – I have a question for you. Would you rather that women just lay on their backs for 5 minutes (or however long it took) a couple of times a week, and had detached, emotionless sex, during which she got nothing out of it whatsoever?? Because all this post asks is: Can we consider women’s experiences and can they have good sex too? And your comment is like: “No. We can’t” and then proceeded to write one of the most bizarre comments I have probably ever read.
“It seems like you are saying women can’t handle the truth about the world, God or men, so we must invent some false world”. What ‘truth’ is that then? Are you saying that the evangelical narrative surrounding women, marriage, sex and sexuality is correct, even though it has caused tremendous harm and is responsible for sexual pain disorders, and that Christian women are 2.5 times likely to suffer from sexual pain than the rest of the population?
You also claim that you are a happily married man with “no dog in this fight in my own marriage”. Sorry, but I don’t know if I believe that. You are putting forward a very strange argument for male patriarchal entitlement, an argument that gives no consideration or thought about womens experiences. Instead, you seem to be arguing that men are the real victims and women can’t handle the ‘real world’ and have to be protected from what ‘real men’ are really like, and need to live in some kind of false, alternative universe. Or something. Seriously,if you want me to be convinced that your defence of the male-dominated, sexual status quo isn’t stemming from a deeply personal place, then you’re going to have do a LOT better than that.
I’m confused by your comment. What did you read in this blog that was disrespectful or dishonest? Where did she say men are evil? What passages do you think she has wrong? Which verses are being manipulated? What is the truth of the world that women can’t handle? What are the false beliefs/realities? Do you think that the description of the female point of view is inaccurate? If so, what is your basis/proof? Can you define “normal Christian men”?
I’m curious how you found yourself here. Did the title resonate because you believe the world does/doesn’t talk about men’s sexual desire in a healthy way? Did you happen to have a discussion with your wife before posting your comment? I wonder how she interprets this blog post. I think you might be surprised by her viewpoint, if she’s allowed to be honest with your about her feelings/experiences.
What about this post offends you so much? Is it possible, that deep down, you do recognize the truth in what she’s saying? Does insight into what women go through make you uncomfortable? Why is that? Is upsetting to think that women go through so many negative things in association with sex? Or, do you think those experiences don’t happen and/or don’t create issues? (If so, you were sheltered or chose to stick your head in the sand.) Perhaps the inkling that a (healthy) change in Christian viewpoints on marriage/sex might be on the brink is uncomfortable for you? Is equality in/out of the bedroom something you are against?
Here’s my personal honest answer to your question:
– I expect men to trust what a women says is her experience. Period. As in: we’re honestly telling you this is our experience. When so many women are saying the same thing, what makes you (or any person) question the reality/truth of their experiences? While there are always exceptions, that doesn’t invalidate what is being said. This is the reality for many women (esp those who grew up in the purity culture of the evangelical church).
– There are people (not just men) that have been influenced by incorrect teachings. In that case, their world view and Biblical interpretations could be wrong and damaging.
– Men who: believe sex is only about them, hurt &/or use women, dismiss female experiences/histories/beliefs/feelings(mental and physical), don’t view women as just as important, and twist scripture to support actions/beliefs that don’t reflect Jesus ARE untrustworthy, unsafe and possibly under evil influences.
– No one is saying that all men are evil. That doesn’t mean that men are “in the right” simply because they are men.
A Christ-following man who is a lover of God, people, and the Scriptures will understand. Religious people are the ones who hear disrespect and dishonesty. Jesus transforms and makes us loving and concerned for our partners. Religion makes us concerned only for ourselves. The perspective of the Scriptures you seem to espouse is actually the one that is troublesome. It cherry picks the Bible and uses it out of context to serve only self interests and not the interests of others.
I’m a normal Christian guy my dude and I love what Sheila is saying here. Ever since finding her podcast in July and applying the teaching she and her team brings has helped my marriage and sex life out immensely.
I would really encourage you to listen to her podcast read the Marriage you want, the great sex rescue, and she deserves better. I used to be a complimentarian. But I now have learned so much I see now that what I believed was actually really damaging for my wife and women around me. And I was wrong in my way of thinking and doing. Please give the bare marriage team a shot and listen to what they have to say. It really is a better way to live 😊
That’s so great to hear, Clark!
How to help men coming from the experiences of a man. Step 1. Tell men that they can choose happiness and that porn is the thing making them depressed. Step 2. Teach men about consent. Step 3. Help men understand that if she feels good then that will make him feel good and that if he can make her feel good that that will make him feel good. Step 4. Let people have hobbies it is good for you. Step Five. Allow yourself to enjoy life the societal brainwashing that calls you a loser if you have never kissed a girl is making you miserable. Step 6. Realize that sobriety gets easier and easier and that you actually feel more alive in ways you did not expect.
Thank you for this!
“God is in her pimp” — do you mean “God is her pimp?”
This article is both sensible and thoughtfully-expressed. Thank you!
Yep. Typo! Sorry about that.
>”Part of my contention in The Great Sex Rescue is that the church has come to see sex with the same error the world does: they are framing sex as solely a physical thing. The world obviously portrays sex as only about pleasure and not about commitment.”
Does “the world” do that though?
Looking at marriage and married sex, is there peer reviewed evidence that “the world” looks at sex only as a physical thing and ignores commitment?
Divorce rates are falling overall.
For women, if “the world” portrayed sex as badly as evangelical church teaching, we would expect to see similar negative outcomes for women.
We would expect to see elevated rates of vaginismus in “the world” – closer to the 22% mark in TGSR.
But TGSR survey found rates in (white) evangelical women at almost TWICE the rate of the general population, or “the world”. On that stat, whatever “the world” is doing is hugely better than the evangelical church.
Interesting. The world’s focus on pleasure is a bad thing? Even where women are benefiting?
Anecdotal, but there’s much information and awareness now on women’s sexual health and wellbeing in peri menopause and menopause. Its all over medical news, social media. Hormone therapy, estrogen creams and pessaries to address genitourinary symptoms, lube and sex toys or ‘ marital aids’, psychology care. The World says women matter.
The evangelical world needs to get on board.
“The world says women matter. The evangelical church needs to get on board.”
You said it well JD which reminds me of a BoyzIIMen song that was popular in the early 90s long before I ever had sex and was in high school. “I will submit to all your demands” is a line in the song I’ll Make Love to You. To this day, this secular R&B song resonates with me. The men singing this song showed that women matter and that sex should be good for them, not just men.
Then years later, I become a Christian and married my first husband who bought into the evangelical teachings about marriage and sex. I spent nearly three years feeling used and that I didn’t matter to him unless it was for sex. After divorcing him in 2002, I spent years deconstructing these horrible church teachings about marriage and sex.
In 2021, I discovered this blog and The Great Sex Rescue. If only, my Christian friends would get this.
That’s a very good point!
I definitely internalized the message that sex is something a woman does for a man. The church teaches this, and all the pop culture tropes teach this. I can’t believe how long it took me to come across the idea that sex can actually be a really good thing *if* you intentionally structure it according to the actual desires and limits that you and your partner have, rather than viewing it like some pre-determined script that you are failing at following. And I was only able to figure this out because I’m queer (I’m an asexual woman married to a man) – I was able to stop trying to follow what other people said about how sex is supposed to work, and instead actually figure out what I wanted.
Seriously, I’m like, continually astonished at how good sex can be, when we base it on what we actually want, rather than me worrying about if I’m “good enough” to meet my husband’s “needs.”
“And so we start preaching about porn and lust, and we start warning everybody what a HUGE problem this is–it’s “every man’s battle”. And we tell teenage girls and women that they need to make it easier on men by what they wear. Then, to wives, they say, “you need to have sex more so he won’t lust.”
“Now wives will start having sex, right?”
Shiela, isn’t this what you called “Obligation Sex”?
AKA “Our Duty to The LORD” instead of “Our Duty to the Party” and nothing else?
There can be NO Companionship in that, and I always wanted the Companionship.
Exactly, it’s obligation sex. And I’m so sorry you never found that intimacy you yearned for. That’s a lot to grieve.
I have to wonder, if it’s so hard to get Evangelical men to consider a woman’s point of view, do they actually even like women? Much evidence suggests that they just want free labor and to be serviced. Abolition would be the answer for women in such a relationship.
What I was hoping for from this article was a sense of being heard as a man and a clear path forward. For men who acknowledge their partner’s pain and are actively trying to support the healing process, this situation can be deeply isolating.
It’s simply a reality for many men that physical desire, a spontaneous libido (learned that from you!), can appear “unannounced.” Being physically attracted to and desiring our wives is a fundamental part of our experience.
I’m not looking for you to convince my wife of anything. Instead, it would be immensely helpful to hear validation that:
Yes, it is normal to be attracted to your wife.
Yes, men will likely have a higher spontaneous desire for physical intimacy.
Yes, it is incredibly difficult to be the source of unconditional love and support she needs while simultaneously managing one’s own unmet physical needs.
I was hoping for practical coping mechanisms and advice. Or simply a better way for men to articulate their feelings while still being thoughtful and considerate of their wife’s feelings.
I genuinely understand how incredibly difficult this is for women; it breaks my heart. I want to help, but it’s exceptionally hard when I’m also struggling with my own feelings of loneliness and desire.
I’m so sorry to hear about this– it’s important that both parties, husbands AND wives, are able to bring needs and considerations to their spouse and expect a certain amount of validation, even if there is misunderstanding or disagreement.
For the record, it IS normal to experience a need and attraction for your wife, and in fact, it’s even better than normal– it’s a sacred expression within a sacred institution, and the intensity of love’s desire is a mere whiff compared to the power of Christ’s love for us.
It’s also important to have a relationship with God, and be sure to look to Him in the face of loneliness and struggle.
As a wife, I look to my husband naturally for love and support; because marriage is a way to illustrate Christ’s love for the church, you can see yourself as a weaker vessel coming to Him with your limitations and difficulties. Our spouses will fail us, but God never will.
Other practical advice would be to start praying scripture over anything specific you’re facing in your marriage dynamic. There can be powerful shifts in our relationships when we turn to the Lord and ask Him to take care of a specific problem or issue, and I say this from personal experience. Not only will it invite Him into the situation, and have a positive effect on your spouse, but it will probably bring necessary awareness/change to you as well.
Lastly, there are other helpful ministries and resources that have encouraged me; Fierce Marriage with Ryan and Selena Frederick is one that I recommend; you can search their articles, or watch/listen to their podcasts for additional encouragement/insight.
Thank-you for voicing this question and I hope that it will get more follow-up. I am the wife of a man who can be very vulnerable with his needs and feelings. He can be deeply hurt if I am not gentle with his vulnerability. From knowing him I can attest that physical arousal can be a source of a sensitive social conundrum. What if he shows his genuine physically pining self to his wife and she does not respond in kind? His timing doesn’t really have an input mechanism that corresponds with her timing, but he really feels what is happening in his body and he will really feel rejected if she does not validate this experience.
I have then struggled with my side of the social conundrum. I spent several years with the “sexually minister” mindset that said showing sexual willingness was healthy and noble. So I did so even when I wasn’t into it, when I should have said no. He had a lot of appetite, claiming that sex was better the second or third time that day. I let him have sex with me without waking me up fully so I could go back to sleep faster. And I thought I was into it at first, and I thought it was fine to be a bit bored but still femininely generous to my husband. I thought it was closeness. But it didn’t last. I realized that I wasn’t actually happy to have so much sex. I didn’t feel used as much as I felt emotionally exhausted by being a full-time therapist and manager. I realized that it was shame that made it so difficult for us to say no to the spontaneous arousal of his body. He really did think that sex was the emotional acceptance that would heal him and I did my darn’dest as a young wife to meet him where he was at.
Of course it didn’t work. He had deep emotional trauma that affected his ability to work, go to school, and to grow emotionally as a mature man. After several years of marriage (and therapy) I increasingly was not able to be attracted to him yet still felt pressured to show up sexually as if there was nothing amiss to avoid triggering his fears and shames. I even began to pressure him back to engage in more physically demanding sex because I was trying to convince him that he was desired. Why did I do this? Because of the book “Love and Respect.” I tried to follow the advice to just give him Respect in all those ways so that he would be able to mature and be the husband I believed he could be. He finally told me that he felt pressured to perform and wasn’t enjoying sex. I apologized and stopped having sex with him that very day. I wish he had taken my lack of enjoyment as seriously as I took his. I still don’t feel like he understands how hurt I was by his selfish immaturity, how burned out I became because I couldn’t be real with him. And because he is yet immature and deeply wounded we have a long road back to trust.
So out of all this experience… I am sympathetic to feeling vulnerable by expressing sexual need. I know it ought to be taken seriously, not laughed at or shamed. That’s a normal need to be accepted by your spouse. I also believe there is some way to handle this situation that does not give undue ego value to a man’s arousal. It should not be something standing in for other emotional closeness. It should not feel like a fundamental question of male (or female) quality if a woman doesn’t go all blushing and jelly-kneed at the feel of a hard-on because she has other things on her mind and it’s just not a good time. The fact that I am stuck with a man with pathological fragility was not caused by the Church, but we persisted in unhealthy patterns much longer because I took the bad advice.
I think “The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality” by Sam Jolman might be a really good addition to this conversation. I believe it works to address the meaning of desire that arrives unannounced. I think men need to be able to talk with each other as well about how to handle this. If you are going through a season of life when she cannot engage in sex the same way for whatever reason, then you probably need to talk to people to make sense of how life works right now. It drives me crazy to pretend that I have normal marriage functions when I don’t, and it’s better to be honest with an inner circle. And it’s galling to be told to micro-dose gratitude when things are tough, so I’m not going to offer that one. But do work to find doors out of the isolation. Maybe meditate on the wisdom literature that deals with these areas.
Consider the verse “Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies.” Picture that scene and consider what feelings are evoked. Imagine you walked through a field and happened upon two white tail fawns curled up in the daisies. You freeze in mid-stride, then after a moment remember to breathe in. They are perfectly still but you can see their big, liquid eyes. Are you filled with a sense of tenderness and wonder at their delicateness and beauty? Or do you think to yourself; “Mmm… lunch!” Wouldn’t you be rather shocked if someone automatically pulled out a shotgun when they saw a pair of fawns? Isn’t that which sets us apart from lions and wolves is how we can be moved to delight and care by the sight of little animals instead of to opportunistic appetite? That’s a model of how biblical sexuality manifests. Of course our physicality comes into it, but it starts in the heart and is in service of the relationship. The relationship must not be made to serve the physical.
Meditate on how you experience this God-given appreciation of your wife. Maybe write a little poetry of your own that illustrates the emotions. Meditate on her inner beauty. You can write about how it feels to be separate from her as well (also inspiration in Song of Songs). And continue to be kind to us; women in the Church have been told that their brothers are merely wolves and were made that way by God. This wasn’t fair to anybody and we need Spiritual men to speak a different story.
“If God made something to be this incredible, why would you want to miss out on that? God created you for passion that is experienced intimately, together,”
I really struggle with understanding why a spouse would want to continue with something that is so good for one and so blah for the other especially if/when it morphs beyond “blah” into pain for one? I did not get married so I could be celibate. I looked forward to sex with my spouse as a part of our marriage. I honestly thought sex was supposed to be for both of us.
“Healing takes time, and needs to be done at the pace of the one who was hurt. ”
I wish more men could understand, truly understand, this. Most of us did not reach this place of little/no sex overnight. I had a very strong libido until I experienced years of selfishness, selfish intercourse, and nights of interrupted sleep b/c he woke me up to “make love to me” because he woke with an erection. No, letting me sleep when I had finally fallen asleep would have been loving me, especially during the years of raising youngsters. Decades later and I am *finally starting* to get my sleep patterns to a healthier place. It took sleeping in a different room holding a potential weapon to turn the corner for me.
Please let that sink in to any men who think we are simply whining and complaining and “not understanding men enough.” It literally took me holding onto and sleeping with a metal object with which I could bludgeon my spouse, the man who claimed to love me more than anyone else in the world, in order for my subconscious to find enough peace to sleep decently well. All because he felt he was not getting *his* sexual “needs” met at the frequency he desired. Guess how many of *my* sexual “needs” were met in that time? HA!
How long does a spouse expect that kind and duration of damage to be healed from? The damage was done at my husband’s pace. The healing needs to be done at mine.
Question for men (honestly not sarcasm, I’m curious)- How often have you felt God created you as a cruel joke because He hates you, as evidenced by the actions of the opposite sex?
That’s such a sad sorry. I’m so sorry your husband was or is so cruel.
Thank you, Tim, I appreciate the concern. I am safe now, and he is trying to change. He’s not a bad guy, but we both honestly believed what the “church” taught us and it was life-and-soul-stealing. I know his heart is now in the right place but decades of damage do not simply go away. My hope is for new generations to learn better and sooner so they have less/no damage to work through.
As for my question posed to men- I feel this on and off, that God made women to be some cast-off toy for His amusement. I get to a healthier place in my relationship with Him then some other piece is split open and I have to work through peeling a new layer like an onion.
I’m female and in my 40s, and not from the US, but Europe. I will be honest, perhaps it is because Canada/America is much much than Europe, but the experience of women here is definitely not that of always trying to avoid rape.
Yes, we are aware that women are at greater risk of sexual violence than men, and that we tend to be physically weaker. Yes, if I happened to be walking home from work after about 11pm on my own at a distance, I might at that point consider just being aware around me.
That said, men are at much greater risk of physical assaults, like getting beaten up, than women, so for both men and women, safety will be going through our minds. I get that most rapes happen to women in the context of being with someone they know, and the horror of that, but honestly, even with that, I do not believe most women in my own country perceive themselves as always trying to avoid rape. We are pretty relaxed the vast majority of the time, and we get that most people are still trustworthy.
I also found this section confusing:
If she’s like 50.4% of couples (according to our research for our book The Marriage You Want), they made sure the husband reached orgasm even before they tried intercourse (it’s less likely that they made sure she experienced orgasm first, even though her orgasm is usually trickier.)
I’m probably missing something but how are they making sure he reaches orgasm before they’ve even had sex?
I do honestly believe Europe doesn’t have anywhere the same level of problems as the American continent. As honestly I’ve never met a man who wanted sex to be for him, without it also being orgasmic for the woman. I cannot wrap my head around American women experiencing a marriage where the husband isn’t interested in sex being good for them, as here in Europe I’d say by far the majority of women these days are very sex positive and want it just as much as the men.
(The exception would be women with very young children, if she is carrying more mental and physical load in the house, and is simply tired. If she wants sleep more than sex, it’s not that she doesn’t want sex, it’s just she is genuinely tired. )
So I’m super super angry about the experience you guys are facing, but I also would just put the caveat Sheila, that when you’re sharing about what men are like etc, maybe just mention that you are only talking about American men etc or Canadian, as over here I honestly believe the majority of men care massively about their female partners enjoyment of sex. I can’t imagine a European man being comfortable having sex if the woman wasn’t enjoying it as much as him.