Do you wonder if orgasm will ever happen for you? Or whether it will ever happen without a vibrator, or during intercourse?
When I give my Girl Talk in churches (my sex talk for women!), I always pray over everyone at the end. And I try to mention in that prayer some of the concerns that were raised in the anonymous Q&A session.
Inevitably one of those concerns will be voiced by women who haven’t reached orgasm yet and can’t figure out how. And my prayer is always the same: “God, be merciful. Give them hope. Give them a breakthrough SOON.”
It’s very difficult when you’re hearing everyone else talk about how great sex is, and you feel pretty much nothing.
You try to get aroused, but just when something’s feeling good, it fizzles out. Or maybe just when something’s feeling good, he finishes and you’re left hanging. Or maybe nothing’s really felt good at all.
You feel cheated.
Many of you feel like God must like men better, because it’s so easy for them!
And many of you start to question God’s goodness. You waited until you were married because that’s what you were supposed to do. But great sex didn’t happen. In fact, sex has become one of the biggest disappointments of your life.
I hear you. In fact, I hear this from so many women, repeatedly, in emails and in comments. Women wondering, will it ever happen for me?
I want to give you some encouragement today using two numbers: 48 and 33.
What do those numbers mean?
In our survey last year of 20,000 married women (mostly Christian), we asked how often they reached orgasm during sexual encounters with their husbands, and here’s what we found:
- Almost always or always reach orgasm 48% 48%
- Often reach orgasm 19% 19%
- Never, rarely, or only occasionally reach orgasm 33% 33%
Now, here’s why those numbers matter for you.
You are not alone if orgasm is elusive!
33% of women either never reach orgasm, rarely do, or only reach it sporadically. In fact, in our survey, 12% have never reached it at all.
And you know what? 12% of women are not broken. You are not broken if this is a challenge for you.
There is no “orgasm gene” that you don’t have. There is nothing wrong with your anatomy. You’ve just got some challenges! And these challenges are actually quite common.
But here’s the even more important part:
Many of the 48% of women who DO reach orgasm would have put themselves in the 33% category in the past.
Just because a woman can reach orgasm most of the time NOW does not mean that it was always this way.
When I did my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the best years for sex in marriage where between years 16-24. That’s when orgasm rates were highest and when sexual satisfaction is highest. It’s not the honeymoon years when you’re still getting used to sex. It’s after you’ve been married for a decade and a half, and you’re really comfortable with yourself and with each other, and the kids are sleeping through the night! That’s when things often get really good.
And when we did our focus groups after our big survey last year, we found that same thing, again and again.
Many women who actually are quite orgasmic now were not always that way.
Some suffered from vaginismus and had to get through that. Some had marriages without healthy communication, and they had to work on the relationship first. Many had problematic beliefs about sex that they had internalized since they were young, and those beliefs were keeping them from understanding that sex was meant for them, too; that their husband’s pleasure was not more important than their own; that they didn’t have to have sex just because he wanted it, but that their needs were important, too. When they were able to get rid of a lot of these unhealthy teachings, suddenly things clicked!
This week we’re launching the orgasm course, which we’ve been working on behind the scenes for the last few months.
It’s the most comprehensive course we’ve ever made, incorporating everything we could find in the scientific literature about what made women’s orgasms more likely, and also what we discovered in our own surveys and focus groups (and what we learned from listening to all of your comments!). We’ve got a course that will help you uncover your own roadblocks to orgasm, and then discover how your body works, what your body actually likes, and how to listen to your body!
We even have a men’s edition of the course that’s included in your bundle, with its own videos and lessons so that husbands can learn to be your knight in shining armor! They’ll be challenged to ditch the #1 belief and #1 attitude is that can stop their wives from orgasming, and they’ll learn what she actually needs to go over the edge!
And this week, until next Monday at midnight EST, you get both the women’s and men’s editions of the course for just $49!
As I was writing the course, I was keeping the women who had had breakthroughs in mind.
I was remembering what we had heard in the focus groups, and remembering conversations I’d had with others who had shared their journey with me. They come from all different backgrounds–some abused, some not. Some with sexual pain; some not. Some waited until marriage and did everything the “right” way; some felt that their problems were because they didn’t. But the breakthroughs came in women from all backgrounds, beliefs, and even ages.
There’s Charlotte, who always enjoyed sex because of the closeness she felt with her husband, but never actually reached orgasm. Eventually she got so frustrated she started doing her own research, and figured out the missing pieces, 26 years into marriage. I’m forever grateful for Charlotte, because she encouraged me to make this course, and kept sending great resources my way for research!
LC struggled for years to reach orgasm, and found that while she could, it was very intermittent. She found herself very impatient with her husband as he tried to clumsily figure out what to do with his fingers. But now they’ve found a rhythm that actually works, after years of feeling frustrated!
This listener never felt pleasure from sex at all. But then, after listening to the podcasts for the last 6 weeks as we’ve been in the middle of our libido and orgasm series, the breakthrough finally came. She realized that she had been carrying so many wrong beliefs about sex, and had never given herself permission to not just feel pleasure, but be assertive about getting it! And now things have finally clicked.
What I want you to know is that a breakthrough is still possible.
Wait, that’s even wimping out a bit. A breakthrough is very probable. It really is!
I know so many of you are very discouraged. And it’s taking a big toll on your marriage.
Maybe he’s upset because you don’t want sex very much–but how can you want something that never gets you anything?
Or maybe you actually do have a high libido, and you keep trying, but your husband doesn’t “get it” that he’s got to make things good for you. And so you’re always left hanging.
All of this leaves you fighting about sex a lot. Instead of sex being this intimate experience that builds you up and makes you feel closer; instead of sex being this stress reliever that can help you smooth over some of the rougher edges of your relationship; instead of sex being something passionate that takes you to new heights together and leaves you breathless–sex becomes something that adds tension; makes you further apart; makes you feel defeated.
Then all the other, normal issues we deal with in life get magnified.
It’s really difficult when sex doesn’t feel good. It’s a lot for a marriage to carry.
It’s a lot of unmet expectations. It’s a lot of feelings of failure. It’s a lot of stress.
I really believe The Orgasm Course can help you reach that breakthrough–or at least get you on the road towards it! It’s really comprehensive, and helps you identify your own unique things holding you back, while also telling your husband, in the men’s edition of the course, how he can remove any barriers he’s set up, too. And there are all kinds of fun exercises that also help unlock your arousal!
The big reason I write this blog is that I want couples to experience passion and healthy relationships together. That’s what marriage is supposed to be about.
Orgasm, for many, is the missing piece. I want to help you find it!
Now, if you have figured out the orgasm piece, can you give some encouragement to the others reading the blog?
If it took you at least a few months before you figured out orgasm, or before you figured out how to orgasm during intercourse, can you leave a comment and let others know how you felt before–and how you reached a breakthrough?
So many couples feel defeated. Let’s help them see that many, many others have been there before, too, but have also gotten through to the other side!
Are you still waiting for an orgasm breakthrough? Or did you experience one? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Orgasm Series:
- You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
- The Orgasm Podcast
- 5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
- What Sex is Like for Women Who Don’t Orgasm
- How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm?
- 10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
- Figuring out What’s Holding You Back from Orgasm
- What to Say to Your Husband if He’s a Selfish Lover
- The Orgasm Course Launch
- Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don’t forget to check out:
- 31 Days to Great Sex
- The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of Bare Marriage
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