What does it mean to “resolve conflict”?
We’ve been talking so much about sex lately since The Great Sex Rescue launched, and that’s been great. But I thought this week I may revisit some of the important things I’ve written about marriage in general that many of my newer readers may not have seen.
And chief among them is how we go about resolving conflict!
I think we get this concept wrong. I originally wrote this post in the summer of 2016, but I thought it was time for some updating, because it’s a good one.
My husband and I have been speaking at marriage conferences together for about a decade, and wherever we go, we always have to give a big talk on resolving conflict.
Over the years, the material we’ve taught has changed, which we’re grateful for. But the early material we had to use always included these elements in the resolving conflict talk (they seem to be universal whenever you look at advice about conflict in books, or listen to the radio, or–yes–go to a marriage conference):
The Typical Resolving Conflict Roadmap
- How to own your emotions and communicate effectively–ie. bringing up one issue at a time, using “I” statements (I feel upset when…) rather than “you” statements (you make me so mad when…), using correct body language, etc.
- How to listen effectively to your spouse’s concerns and show them that you hear them and understand them.
- How to control your anger.
- How to work through a decision when you truly don’t agree.
- How to forgive, and how to ask for forgiveness.
Keith and I have a ton of stories that we can put into those points, and it was all very well and good.
But the problem was that these points never seemed to fit together or flow really well. And when I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I finally figured out what the problem was and why I had such a hard time squishing all my different thoughts about “resolving conflict” into one talk. (And why I’m glad they changed the curriculum!)
Here’s the problem in a nutshell:
We call too many things “conflict” that need to be “resolved”.
We’re blowing some things out of proportion by calling them “conflict”, and we’re minimizing other things at the same time.
Let me explain.
When we think of conflict, we think of an issue about which you disagree–he sees the world one way, and you see the world another.
In those situations, it makes sense to try to figure out how to come to a decision. It makes sense to learn to listen to the other person’s point of view, and to learn to express your own.
But the simple fact is that true disagreements, in most marriages, are actually rather rare. I counted it up, and in our marriage we have had 5 major disagreements: we disagreed on what house to buy when we first moved to our little small town; we disagreed on whether or not to continue homeschooling; we disagreed on whether or not to change churches; we disagreed on whether or not to put our son on the heart transplant list; we disagreed on whether to make Katie continue piano lessons or not.
In four of the five cases we eventually just came to an agreement together. In the first one, about the house, I finally recognized I was absolutely out of my gourd and he was totally right, and I’m so grateful now that he didn’t do things my way.
But just because there are only five times we’ve had a genuine disagreement that doesn’t mean that there are only five times that we’ve been upset at each other. On the contrary, I can probably count five times one of us has been at least mildly ticked off in the last week.
And here’s where the big revelation comes in: most of the time that we are ticked off at each other it is not about a big “conflict”.
It is just simply that we are misunderstanding each other and something is triggering some grumpiness.
This doesn’t require listening to the other’s point of view, usually. It doesn’t require coming to agreement. It usually just requires some time and some major chill pills.
Here’s another problem with the typical “resolving conflict” model: do you see which of those five initial points we haven’t talked about yet?
Forgiveness and reconciliation.
They’re always a huge part of a “resolving conflict” talk, yet it wasn’t necessary for Keith and I to forgive each other when we were trying to decide if Katie should take piano lessons or if we should switch churches. It was just a difference of opinion. There was nothing to forgive. And when I’m frustrated that Keith is 52 years old and he can’t make spaghetti without asking me for directions, he doesn’t need forgiveness and I don’t need forgiveness. I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself how awesome my husband is–and how great he is at other areas of the household, like laundry, so that I can take over cooking!
Yes, there are times we need to forgive. Those generally aren’t about disagreements, though. Those are about breaches of trust.
And somehow these breaches of trust get lumped together with feeling ticked off at someone or not agreeing on what school you should send your child to, because they’re always in the same talk.
And so I have a new theory about conflicts which helps us figure out what the appropriate action is. Essentially, when we’re upset with each other the cause is usually one of three things:
The 3 Kinds of Marital Conflict
1. Silly conflicts–we misunderstand each other, assume the worst, or just get grumpy
2. Serious conflicts–we disagree about an important matter
3. Sinful conflicts–someone has broken trust
By framing “resolving conflict” as something you do to find a resolution, we treat silly conflicts like they’re more important than they really are.
Usually these can be solved with an attitude shift by the one who is offended, or by changing the way we act or react to each other. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.
But by framing “resolving conflict” as something that needs both of you to negotiate, we also downplay sinful conflicts, and treat them as if both spouses need to listen to each other and defer to each other.
In most cases, one spouse has broken trust, and that spouse has to rebuild it. Yes, there may be underlying issues in the marriage that must be dealt with, but that can only be done after the sinning spouse has truly repented and started taking more action.
Incidentally, this is also why I’m really bothered by the people who define submission in marriage to mean that “he makes the decisions”. In a healthy marriage you will very rarely come to a standstill where you fundamentally disagree on something. If your only definition is that he decides things when you disagree, then you may never submit at all! Submission is about intentionally serving, and that makes it so much bigger, and ultimately more important. And thinking that the way out of a conflict is simply to let him decide does not actually make you more intimate. It just drives you further apart. The goal is intimacy, not just an end to the conflict.
So next time you feel ticked off, ask yourself: if this something we disagree on, something that somebody has sinned about, or am I just upset in general? That will tell you which route you should take to start feeling close again!
Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?
God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.
Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!
Once you’ve identified that, here are some resources to help:
Resolving Silly Conflicts: When You Just Feel Ticked Off
Believing the Best
Learning to Ask Your Husband for Help
The 5 Trigger Points for Conflict
Thought #2 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: I Don’t Have to Feel Ticked Off
Resolving Serious Conflicts: When You Just Don’t Agree
The Top 5 Approach to Resolving Conflict
Understanding the Issue in Conflict
In the Case of Ties, He Wins. Is This Really Submission?
Thought #7 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: Find the Win/Win!
Resolving Sinful Conflicts: When Someone Has Sinned
4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn
When You’re the One Who Needs Forgiveness
Top 10 Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages
10 Reasons Rushing Forgiveness Ruins Intimacy
Are You to Blame if Your Spouse Cheats on You?
Thought #6 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: I’m Called to Be a PeaceMaker, not a PeaceKeeper
Here’s why it’s important to know which type of marital conflict you’re dealing with:
Sometimes I’ll give advice on this blog about believing the best about your husband to help you not get ticked off about little things–which is all very well and good. But if what you’re dealing with is a sinful conflict–like your husband refusing to get a job–then that’s exactly the wrong advice. Or I’ll talk about how to forgive, and if you’re ticked because your husband didn’t put his underwear in the hamper this morning, it will magnify that infraction to seem like more than it is. One size fits all advice doesn’t really exist.
That’s why it’s important to know: is it a silly thing, a serious thing, or a sinful thing? Most things, really, are just silly. But if you’re in a chronically sinful situation, then treating it like it’s silly conflict won’t help anything.
If you want to read more about viewing conflict in these different ways, I’ve broken it down further in this post:
And I show what you SHOULD and SHOULDN’T do with each of the root causes of marital conflict! And, of course, I have lots more in thoughts 5, 6 and 7 of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
I hope this way of thinking about conflict helps. It certainly has helped me clarify things, and now I’m much quicker to take a deep breath and say, “this is really just silly!” And much quicker to say in other cases, “Okay, we actually do need to schedule a time to talk about this, because this matters.”
Let me know in the comments: Have you ever blown something out of proportion? Or how many times have you guys honestly had a serious disagreement? Let’s talk!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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Yep! We disagreed about housing, and talked it out to an agreement. In contrast to early marriage days, both stressed about his 2 different employment opportunities. I secretly thought one was better, but submissive wife I thought. (Was still figuring that out) I was a good sounding board, but when things went wrong, I was angry and “I knew you should’ve gone the other one!” And I realized that I was being very unhelpful and judgemental when he “messed up”. So I’ve now learned to actually give my opinion and we actually discuss our viewpoints to a conclusion. It’s Alot better this way!
Thank you, Sheila. Although I am not married, this advice about recognizing what type of conflict can apply to non-romantic relationships, too.
Thank you for this! I was married for many years to a man who was dishonest and manipulating, often using gaslighting techniques when I would question him. I worked very hard to “forgive” him through the years, but it became a perpetual cycle–he would offend, I would work on my own heart, we’d be okay for a while, and then I would get so very depressed and not understand why. Eventually I confronted him boldy with a plan that would force the truth of a major sin to come to light. And so he left. He slipped out while I was in the shower one morning, leaving me destitute and homeless with 2 young children.
It has taken me several years to get back on my feet (with the help of wonderful Christian friends). My children and I are still struggling to heal from all of it. Along this journey, I realized something: this man rarely apologized for any of his bad behavior, and didn’t actually show true remorse even for major offenses.
As you say, it is possible to move on from small frustrations without apologies. If he puts the ice cream scoop in the wrong drawer, for instance, who is REALLY damaged by that? No one. But if he throws it away because he doesn’t want to be bothered and then tells you that you must have misplaced it–that’s sinful and destructive. Everyone suffers from that type of behavior.
After my husband left, I did not talk about what happened publicly. I wanted to spare my children as much pain as possible. I have learned to tell people that I will not accept their judgment on my situation, because they do not know the details of what happened, and I am not willing to share them. One person went so far as to tell me I *have* to take him back, “because he did not cheat on you.” I still cringe when I think about that comment.
There really are offenses in a marriage that must be worked through, and trust must be rebuilt by the guilty party. To teach women otherwise is downright sinful. I wish I’d had someone in my life who had taught me that early on. I might not have enabled my husband in his sin for all of those years.
This is so good! Churches definitely need to frame their marriage teachings like this. It’s no wonder my marriage didn’t start getting better until we stopped listening to church marital teachings. The longer we’ve stayed away from them, the better things have gotten.
We both came into our marriage with serious baggage and also seeing the world in two completely different ways. If someone would’ve sat down with us and explained the things you just did in this post, it would’ve helped so much!
Because of underlying life traumas, even small disagreements blew up because they triggered something in one or both of us that needed HEALING, not blanket one-size-fits-all advice and being told that we were stuck in sin and needed to stop because people grew sick of our problems.
This whole article is spot on!
In our marriage, most of our “conflicts” are just the misunderstands/grumpiness/tiredness & busyness with small children limiting our available time for intimacy & connection.
We rarely have differences of opinion on major decisions – when we do disagree, we usually put that decision on the back burner for a time – (which could be days/weeks/months depending on the decision) – and this usually results in having the best decision become more clear to both of us. So it’s unusual for us to have to do “conflict resolution” in those instances.
If one of us says “you decide” – it’s because that person genuinely doesn’t feel strongly either way.
Early in our marriage I wondered if was too assertive/not submissive just because we didn’t have any major decisions where we couldn’t mutually make a decision. I actually asked my husband if I was not “submissive” enough haha! He was like “but I value your opinion!” Lol
When we were dating, we were advised by several Christians that we shouldn’t get engaged and DEFINITELY shouldn’t get married until we had at least one major row because we needed to make sure we could ‘resolve conflict’. I know that no one has a perfect marriage and that in a relationship made up of two sinful humans, there are going to be times when you don’t behave well to each other. But it seems incredibly weird to me that we were basically being told to wait until we had hurled abuse at each other before committing to marriage…really doesn’t match up with what I read in the Bible about love, self control, gentle speech…
That’s terrible advise! If my husband and I had waited for something like that we might never have gotten married! 🤣
Our first actual “conflict” was over where to live (his state or mine) – which we didn’t get upset about but simply came to a compromise after a few conversations – and then one little misunderstanding when we were planning the wedding. Both of these instances we after we were engaged already.
Same here – we’re a year into marriage and still waiting for that big row! We’ve had some differences of opinion but I wouldn’t describe them as ‘conflict’ – just two people with different views discussing the right way forward.
Sheila,
I feel “called out” by you (and probably God) in the best way. I am actually going to hang those three questions up to refer to. I realized that I do blow a lot of things out of proportion. I make everything mean something… And I know this about myself but this helped me Zoom in a bit.
A recent example is that a week ago my husband offered to buy apples for a family gathering for me at a different grocery store. He delayed until the last minute and then bought three different kinds on”principle.” He bought a couple kinds that we don’t like because they were slightly cheaper and my visiting family wasn’t contributing to any meals. I got really upset because I took this as more–he didn’t value my family and he didn’t listen to my request. Really he was so great with everyone all weekend as he always is. Sometimes when he says something he’s not thinking at the same depth I go to and it causes a lot of anger, hurt feelings, and tension when I won’t just let it go.
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage just jumped up on my “to read” list.
This is so spot on! We’re a month away from 6 years of marriage and we have yet to have a true argument. Yeah we have disagreements (which usually consists of me crying as we talk through some way feelings have been hurt or a misunderstanding has happened.) but even those are months and months apart. Our relationship was long distance the entire 10 months of dating&engagement so we worked really hard at communication and I feel we are still bearing fruit from that effort.
We’ve also had some bad advice. During engagement, a counselor said was going to try to get us to argue during that meeting. Not only did it not work, we ended up discussing how we disagreed with most of the advice given that night!