In marriage, should husbands make the final decision if the couple can’t reach agreement?
Many Christians would say yes. In fact, in our survey of 20,000 women that we ran for The Great Sex Rescue, 39.4% of respondents agreed with that statement.
Many Christians who attend church regularly think that marriage has a form of hierarchy, where the husband holds the tie-breaking vote, or, as Emerson Eggerichs explained in Love & Respect, he holds 51% of the power and she holds 49% of the power (which actually practically results in him holding 100% of the power, but let’s leave that for a moment.)
But what is a couple to do if they decide to not apply this idea to their own marriage? How is a couple supposed to reach a decision together without a tiebreaker?
Not very long ago, I asked my Facebook followers’ about what strategies they use to come to an agreement–other than just letting him make the decision because “he’s the man.” Here’s what people had to say:
“I feel like the “husband is the tie-breaker” sets up a system where one NEEDS a tie-breaker instead of the expectation that you’ll figure out how to navigate conflict and decisions as a team.”
“My issue is a tie-breaker can’t be from one of the sides that can’t agree. They’re supposed to be neutral and unbiased. As soon as the man is always the tie-breaker, it’s always going to be biased and never going to be neutral. If you want a tie-breaker, get a therapist.”
“In my marriage, those sorts of situations sort of revert to whoevers realm its in-if that makes sense? So, it falls to whoever is more affected by/more knowledgeable about the thing. So if it’s about a vehicle, it likely will be my husbands decision if we can’t agree. And if it’s about home decor or homeschool choices it will fall to me.
Other times we do a full pros cons type list. Recently we decided to buy a new RV-which, since we live in ours fulltime, is a BIG deal to us.
We were pretty closely aligned on which one, but he preferred one, and I preferred another. We would have both been happy with the other choice, but had to pick. So we made a chart with the various things that were important(how it looks inside, how good the kitchen was, cargo capacity, price, ect. ). Then we went back and looked at our two favorites, and gave each category a number and added them up! At the end, his won by a lot. It was the one that just made the most sense on paper.
So sometimes, taking emotion and all out of it, can be helpful in some situations.”
“I can think of fewer than 5 times in our 15 year marriage when we disagreed that profoundly. In those cases, we discuss the issue and then step away for a time to think more about it. Then we come back together and discuss it again. We do that as many times as it takes for us to come to agreement.”
“We dont move forward till we agree so we keep praying and ask God to show us both what his plan is.”
“My wife and I do not make any major changes without us both agreeing on the change.
To me, that’s just basic common sense and courtesy.
I cannot buy a new tractor without putting her in debt (or whatever the proposed change might be). Therefore, she deserves as much say in the matter as I do… and visa versus.
“I, Joe, take you, Sherri, to be my lawfully wedded wife; to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part according to God’s holy ordinance.”
There is not one word in those vows to indicate one party gets to boss the other around or insist on getting their way no matter how uncomfortable their spouse might be with the decision.
And for those who want to appeal to a “biblical example” try this one out. Does God ever make you do anything against your will? Of course not! Rather, God seeks to persuade us to a better way of living life and loving others.
Clearly, if even God allows us to participate in the decision-making process of our daily lives, then certainly we should not usurp our spouses decision-making authority for ourselves.”
What is normal in marriage? Disagreement or Servanthood?
If one believes that the main thing that God wants for a marriage is that the husband makes the decisions when the couple disagrees, then there’s an underlying assumption about marriage that we need to confront.
We assume that marriage will be full of disagreements.
If, on the other hand, we assume that the main thing that God wants for a marriage is that the couple will faithfully serve each other and follow God, then there’s another underlying assumption about marriage:
We assume that unity is the norm for marriage.
Do you see the difference?
If the main thing that women must do in marriage is to let her husband break disagreements, then that’s assuming disagreements are normal. If your underlying belief about marriage is that it’s about serving one another and serving God, though, then you assume unity is normal.
The Data Shows That Marriages Which Have A Tie-Breaker Are More Likely To End In Divorce!
“In our study of 20,000 women for The Great Sex Rescue, we found that most couples (78.9%) make decisions together—even the ones who say they believe the husband should have the final authority—and these marriages do well. However, in marriages in which the husband actually made the decisions for the family, even if he consulted with his wife first, the couple was 7.4 times more likely to divorce.”
Sharing decision-making power is a key marker of a healthy marriage.
And, really, this is perfectly intuitive. Part of intimacy is feeling as if you matter; if someone’s opinions matter more than yours in marriage, all sorts of bad things happen.
When we don’t share decision-making power, it affects all areas of our lives for the worse.
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There is also a practical element to this that hurts marriage. In marriage, where the expectation is that he will make the final decision if they disagree, couples often forego the healthy back-and-forth that is part of decision-making.
They may not wrestle in prayer as long. They may not seek counsel. They may take shortcuts because they assume, “well, he just gets to decide then.” And this can lead to worse decisions, more distance, and even entitlement.
It should not be surprising, then, that marriages are more likely to end in divorce when one partner holds the decision-making power. That kind of dynamic between two people impacts a marriage right to the very foundation upon which they stand, and makes teamwork impossible.
It Doesn’t Have To Be This Way
What if I told you that learning to make decisions together– as a team– helps both people to grow in Christ and honour the Lord. I’d suggest that what God wants for couples is us wrestling together to seek out His will, and us understanding that in marriage, we have another person to help serve as a sign that we are hearing from God–or not hearing from Him. And in marriage, we are to excel at giving to one another and serving one another, and finding unity in the Spirit, not just doing what a husband wants.
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How can any two have a healthy marriage if half the married couple is not allowed to bring up issues in their relationship?
God has given husband and wife to each other for mutual growth and edification. We are cutting ourselves off from God’s plan for our life when we don’t open ourselves up and allow our spouses to influence and shape us.
Just imagine how great our marriages could be if we stopped debating about who was in charge and simply started trying to act more Christ-like toward each other.
I still have hope that we in the church will get there some day.
I think it was Jo R would brought up the great analogy of tennis doubles: there isn’t a lead person and a follower. They both make decisions and play the game together.
In other sports, similar things happen. If you’re doing a relay, each team member is equal.
If you’re playing basketball and there is a jump ball, the referee alternates which team “wins” the jump.
In baseball, a tie goes to the runner… but each team has an equal chance of being the runner and an equal chance of playing the field.
Other sports have various tiebreakers: kickoffs in soccer; cross country ties are broken based on whose team’s sixth runner was the first to cross the finish line; etc etc.
In marriage, maybe the jump ball rule would be best. Winning this round means you’re giving in on the next round, and you have no idea if the next round will mean more or less to you than this particular problem does.
Think of it via game theory. You’re at an impasse about where to take vacation this year. You’re the husband. If you are “always the tiebreaker,” you can just steamroll your wife. If you winning this round means that she chooses where to go next year – even if you hate it, even if your entire family is doing a family reunion and she says “nope, we are going to Bermuda with my sister and her family that week,” you might negotiate differently.
“He’s always the tiebreaker” means “no matter how unreasonable he is, he always gets his way.” No wonder why evangelicals have a sky-high divorce rate.
Guilty! 😊
You know, if men want to always be the tiebreaker, the easiest way is for them to simply stay single. Then they don’t have to try to come up with rational arguments or even just half-a$$ed reasons for insisting on their own way.
I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or serious, but yes, those who refuse to put someone else’s needs above their own should not be married. Marriage is where that all goes to die.
Ironically, these “mature, evangelical” men sound like TikTok girls who talk about not wanting kids because they want to live life on their own terms. Except here, it’s “I don’t want a wife with her own needs, desires, talents, and ambitions because I want to live my life on my own terms. I do, however, want to have access to sex, children, and someone to keep the house clean, so I’m going to pretend that the Bible tells women to be second class citizens.”
I was actually being serious.
—
At least the TikTokers are being honest and self-aware.
Too many men can’t be either.
Yep. That sounds like what happens!
I also think it is helpful if you have children and the decision affects them and it is a decision that is developmentally appropriate for them to make to include them in the decision making process. It helps them feel included in the household and allows them to practice making decisions too. I often felt as a kid that I had no control over my life because I was rarely allowed to make decisions for myself and if I did they were often overruled. I think when it is developmentally appropriate children’s opinions should also be taken in account whenever you are making decisions as a couple with kids.
How do we make decisions? Um, like normal, sensible, mature adults do in just about every other situation apart from so-called ‘Christian’ marriage!
If it’s a minor decision, why on earth would you need a tie-breaker anyway? Either alternate (e.g. on where you go on holiday each year) or let the person for whom the decision matters most make it.
If it’s a major decision, remind yourselves that the Holy Spirit is not going to be leading two halves of a married couple in opposite directions, so keep praying and seeking the Lord together until you agree.
My husband is a pastor. When we move churches, he may be the one called as pastor, but we are called to move as a couple. We don’t budge until we both believe this is where God is leading us. And I don’t get why this is seen as such an issue by the tiebreaker community. When times are hard and we are tempted to question our call here, one of the things that strengthens us is the memory of our individual and joint times praying over the move, and how what God said to each of us individually confirms what he was saying to the other. This is something that we would miss out on if my husband just made decisions using a ‘tiebreaker’ (and let’s face it, if one half of a two-person discussion has a ‘tiebreaker’ vote, then the tie-breaker is ALWAYS the one who makes the decision, even if his decision is to ‘allow’ his wife to choose!)
I know. We function the same way and I simply cannot imagine being in a marriage where my opinion didn’t count!
It is absolutely *wild* to me how many people read Ephesians 5:22 as a verse in isolation, without reading the entire book that is primarily about UNITY. When the entire theme is unity, how have we turned that verse into just handling disunity?! Additionally, if a couple is having a hard time reaching agreement, if you have a “tie-breaker” husband vote, then there is no encouragement to seek 3rd party input, wise or godly counsel from someone outside the marriage (whether it’s another person, couple, small group community, mentor or pastor, or therapist or counselor), which ignores the advice of Proverbs 11:14 that says “in the multitude of counselors there is safety”. While we’re on the topic of neglecting elements of scripture, let’s also point out that for some reason Christians tend to throw out all other advice given for the whole of believers, and only fixate on direct verses to husbands and wives, as if suddenly all of the things don’t apply once you’re married?! So “do unto others as you would have them do to you” (would a husband want to always be over-ruled by a wife’s tie-breaking vote?! I don’t think so), if there is a conflict or sin “go to your brother first”, and then if there is no repentance “go with one or two others” (why do wives get told not to bring up anything negative or ever correct their husbands?), “iron sharpens iron” (one of the huge benefits of marriage), “greater love has no man than that he lays down his life for his friend” (wives are supposed to love self-sacrificially just as much as husbands), somehow all of these basic Christian life things get completely abandoned. Absolutely blows my mind. The “marriage” verse do not override or erase all of the “be Christ-like in these ways” verses!!!
I saw this on X (Twitter); it encapsulates a lot of the discussions here:
“people should add into their marriage vows: ‘for better or for worse does not mean that we get a pass for making the other person’s life worse.'”
-emilykmay
In my faith, there isn’t a presumption that husbands have final say in order to break a tie. Historically that thought may have been there, and it’s still present in some circles. But tue religion itself doesn’t teach that.
What I see more of (and maybe this isn’t my faith tradition as a whole but more of my circle of interaction) is a deferral to whatever the wife wants in sort of a resigned “happy wife, happy life” desire to avoid the u pleasantness of conflict.
Is that better? Doesn’t really seem very healthy to me, but it doesn’t put wives in second-class status so maybe.