SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: How to Feel Confident When You’re Married to a Porn User

by | Oct 18, 2021 | gsr, Pornography | 36 comments

Developing confidence when you're married to a porn user

If you’ve been constantly betrayed in your marriage, how can you ever have sexual confidence again?

We’re in a sexual confidence series for October and November, where we’ve been talking about what sexual confidence looks like–and how to develop it.  

I was going to talk about menopause today, and sexual confidence at different times in your life, but I keep getting emails this week asking the same question, so I thought we should tackle that first. 

The question is similar to this woman who asked me on Instagram:

I’ve been married for seven years, and I found out two years ago that my husband has used porn the entire time and lied to me when we were engaged.

He says he’ll stop, but I can tell when he’s been using again. I’m afraid to ask him outright because I almost don’t want to know. 

He rarely wants sex now, and if he does it takes forever for him to finish. I think I”m attractive. I keep myself well and other men look at me. But not my husband. My friends tell me I’m a shell of what I used to be. How can I develop confidence again?

Okay, the first thing I want to say is that the porn use has to be dealt with.

She needs to be able to say that this is a deal breaker. He needs to be getting help; he needs to be owning the problem. I’d encourage you to read my post on 4 things to do if your husband watches porn. Read Michael John Cusick’s book Surfing for God, or Andrew J. Bauman’s book The Sexually Healthy Man. Search for Sarah McDugal or Leslie Vernick on Facebook, and follow their pages and interact on them. Seek help from a licensed therapist to work through betrayal trauma and learn how to set boundaries. This isn’t going to get better on its own.

In other words, this isn’t really a sexual confidence issue as much as it is a porn issue that needs to be addressed.

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But let’s assume that this has been addressed, and he is seeking help (or he’s not seeking help and you’re trying to figure out what to do). Then part of healing actually is developing confidence again, because confidence is simply realizing what you’re worth, and only allowing people to treat you in the way you deserve to be treated. 

Now, I recognize that “allow” is a tricky word there, because it’s not your fault if your husband treats you badly. But I do mean that, if he does treat you in a way that you do not deserve to be treated, you start drawing boundaries and you start learning to respond so that it doesn’t impact you as much and so that it becomes less likely.

So let’s work through what that may look like:

Get help dealing with the betrayal you feel

If you are struggling, and you’re unable to draw boundaries, and you’re feeling despondent and desperate, and you’re afraid to know the truth, as this woman is, then you likely need help.

Many (even the majority) of spouses of porn addicts experience betrayal trauma, which is just like post traumatic stress disorder. Don’t minimize this or downplay this. If you need help, please get help from a licensed therapist who is trained in sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma recovery. This isn’t a couple’s issue that needs to be dealt with; this is something you need to work through so that you can breathe again, think clearly again, and smile again.

Now, I was going to write the rest of this post as action steps–things you need to realize. But that sounds too heavy. And if you’re in the midst of this, that’s too much to take in.

So instead, I’d like to write the rest of this post as just pronouncements over you. I just want to speak words of truth into your life.

If you’re in counseling, you’ll hear these things. But I want you to hear them today, even if you can’t internalize them yet.

Your worth is not based on how others treat you

You deserved to be loved. When you married, and he vowed that you would be his only and always, he should have meant it. Instead, he lied to you. He betrayed you. He married you without telling you that there were many, many more. And he led a secret life. You could sense something was wrong, but you didn’t know what it was. And you felt crazy.

But that was not on you. That was something he did; not you.

You couldn’t have been expected to have seen the signs. You were in love! You believed what he told you. That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’re stupid, or gullible, or naive. It just means you’re human, and you truly loved him, and you wanted a life with him.

That was a good thing to want. 

That was a godly thing to want. God put inside of us the desire to be connected to another person.

But he, for many reasons, didn’t treat you as God wanted him to. This is a failure on his part, not on yours.

He is the one who torpedoed your relationship, not you. And you deserved those wedding vows to be upheld. You are right to be angry and grieving.

You are not to blame for his porn use

He would still have watched porn if you had bigger breasts. If you were skinnier; if you were prettier; if you were built differently, he would still have watched porn.

His porn use is not a reflection on your body or desirability; it is a reflection on his inner wounding and inner character. That’s all.

If you had been more adventurous, he would still have watched porn. You cannot compete with pornography, because it’s ultimately not about you. Porn users crave different–different bodies, different activities.

Porn and sex are actually polar opposites. Porn says, “I want to use you for my own gratification.” Sex says, “I want to know you deeply and experience something with you.” You cannot have enough sex to cure someone’s pornographic style of relating. They have to do that for themselves. This is not on you.

If your church or pastor or friends or family have told  you that you could stop his porn use by having more sex, and that God has put you in his life to help him quit porn–that was spiritually abusive. That was them betraying you as well. I am sorry that you endured that. It was wrong.

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If you feel as if you hate sex, it could be because you’ve never had it.

Sure, you may have technically had intercourse. But if you never felt intimate during sex, or if it always felt like his mind was elsewhere or that he was using you, it could be because he was. It could be because sex was never the “deep knowing” that it was supposed to be.

If he has been using porn his whole adult life and hidden that from you, and if he now has delayed ejaculation (more common for porn users), it could be that you’ve never had real sex.

You deserved real sex. He deprived you of that. You did not deprive him or “hot sex”; he deprived you of real sex. He stole something beautiful from you that he promised to experience with you.

Please realize that it is not sex you hate; it is being treated like an object to use that you hate–and you are right to feel that way. You are recoiling at being treated in a way you were never meant to be treated.

It’s okay to say, “I will no longer be an object.”

I hope you can one day get to the point where you realize, deep in your bones, that you were not meant to be an object to use but a woman to love, as Leslie Vernick has said. I hope that you can walk forward in that, saying that from now on, he can treat you like a woman to love, or he doesn’t get to treat you any way at all.

It’s okay to get angry. It’s okay to grieve what you have lost. That period may take some time. But then, dear one, stand tall.

You are of infinite worth in Jesus’ eyes. You are a person who is precious, who is exciting, who has so much to offer. If he doesn’t see that, that is not a reflection on you, but a reflection on him.

For you, sexual confidence will look like refusing to be an object anymore.

The only way to refuse that is to realize that you are worth more. So please hear these words today. Let them wash over you. You are not to blame. This was a terrible thing that was done to you. You deserved more. It’s okay to feel that something was taken from you.

But I hope one day you can walk forward knowing you are worth more. It may take some time with a counselor to truly feel it. But please know this is how God sees you. And I am so, so sorry that you have walked through this betrayal. Please know that on the other side there is freedom, hope, and, yes, confidence.

 

Beyond Betrayal: Confidence when you're married to a porn user

Have you ever been in this situation? How did it make you feel? Or can you give some words of encouragement to other people in this situation today? Let’s talk in the comments!

Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:

You may also enjoy:

 

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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36 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Thank you. I so needed to hear these words today. Ive been married almost 28 years and Valentine’s Day 2020 I found porn on my husbands phone. I knew he had looked at porn when we were dating, but I was too ignorant to know what that would mean for marriage. He claims he never looked at it again until that time I saw it in his phone. Which may or maybe not be true of course. We’ve never had much of a sex life even though I did all the things the books said😒. I turned myself inside out trying to be a “good” wife. I always felt like I was lacking and unlovable. And he let me think it was me. Now I’m fifty and going through peri menopause. Im old, fat, my hair is thinning, and I’m so so sad that I lost my youth and beauty and no man will ever look at me the way I long to be looked at. Your words soothed a bit of my ache.

    Reply
    • Debbie

      I’m so sorry to hear that. Your story is very similar to mine…. I’m thankfully on the other side.
      As Sheila said, find a good therapist, and I’ll add or a good coach, who is apsats trained and understands what you are experiencing.
      You are worth so much more! I’ll be praying you know that.

      Reply
    • Jen

      Also in peri, Anonymous, when my husband confessed to his addiction. It’s difficult to not see the “best” years of my physical youth as having been wasted on a very broken man. If he never really saw me when I had fantastic body measurements, how in the world will he see me now this far into aging? I’m realizing that I, too, need to stop seeing myself as an object to be viewed and used. We are whole people, and we are worth being loved. Even in menopause and beyond! Hugs to you.

      Reply
    • KT

      I’ve had many of the same thoughts… I’ll be praying that you recover from this and that we can both truly know our beauty & worth in God’s eyes, irregardless of what our husbands have shown us.

      Reply
  2. Anonymous

    A day after celebrating our 7th anniversary I found my husband looking at porn. I felt devastated. I knew he struggled with that in the past but I thought he had kicked the habit long ago, that is what he wanted me to believe about him. He had been hiding this and viewing porn in secret for years. I should have known, he was always wanting to try kinky weird stuff in the bedroom and I found myself feeling like an object and wondering where he had seen this. I had thought for years that because he had me and we had sex every day he would not have the time for porn. I was so naive. I had never felt so used. My husband is beyond remorseful and has taken many steps to change since I confronted him about it. But I still don’t know if I can ever trust him again. I want to stay with him, I want to have a healthy marriage. But I don’t even know where to go from here. We are long distance right now and I sometimes catch him falling back into the same habits of using me and apologizing later. I don’t know where to go from here. I miss him but I can’t get hurt by him anymore.

    Reply
  3. KM

    Beautifully written, Sheila. I’ve been in counseling with an EMDR certified trauma therapist for 2 years and I’m finally feeling better about my body. I’ve also read books, joined an online betrayal trauma community, done courses, and went through a workbook with a group of friends I met in the online community. It helps so much to talk to other women who understand how you feel.

    Thank you for pointing out that so many of us didn’t know what our husbands were doing. So many of us feel ugly AND stupid when we find out what been’s going on. It’s a huge blow to our self-esteem and self-compassion.

    We can get through this, though. It takes time and honestly it isn’t fair that we have to do the work because of our husbands’ actions, but it’s worth it to not hate our bodies anymore and to also learn to appreciate our other qualities. The women I’ve met on my journey are kind, caring, intelligent, and also beautiful.

    My encouragement to any woman reading this is that you don’t have to feel this way about yourself forever. None of this is your fault. It’s ok to let yourself grieve and to be angry, but it doesn’t have to last. It helps to have a community of women to support you who understand how you feel. It takes more time than any of us would like, but you can heal.

    Reply
    • Me Too

      KM,
      I’m so sorry for what you have been through. I’m in the same situation, but just now looking for a therapist. Been hurting way too many years.
      I’m curious if you left your husband, and if he went to therapy.
      Blessings to you.

      Reply
      • KM

        Me Too,

        I didn’t leave my husband. Just the threat of it was a wake-up call for him. He’s been in therapy with a CSAT for two years and I’ve witnessed an amazing change in him. My therapist advised me early on to watch his progress and prepare myself to leave if he didn’t stick with it. I highly recommend a therapist who is trained in EMDR. That has helped me so much with the intrusive thoughts and triggers. I’ll be praying that you find the right therapist and experience healing.

        Reply
  4. Jen

    Thank you, Sheila! I’m saving this post so that I can read it often!

    The LORD is confirming in me that my discernment was correct and that the lack of respect I had for my husband was not a flaw in me but was me accurately understanding that disrespectful behavior does not deserve respect. He was hiding what he was doing, but I could sense the ongoing betrayal. Every time he “bounced his eyes” I would look around for the woman in tight clothing and feel a deep sense of disappointment and betrayal. I beat myself up for that, but I know understand that it’s okay to expect my husband to view women as whole people, not just objects.

    I’d also like to add that “pornography” is subjective. My husband wasn’t watching the sex act, but for him what aroused him was skimpy, tight clothing, etc., and that can be accessed anywhere, including the public library, which is what he did. I feel a deep sense of betrayal for all the time he spent on his addiction and that includes battling it.

    Your words are a soothing balm. His problems are not about me. I am worth an honorable man, and from now on I will accept nothing less.

    Bless you! Keep being Jesus with flesh on and pointing the way to freedom!!

    Reply
    • Anonymous305

      This reminded me-I spent years feeling like a failure because I didn’t feel as much love for my husband as I “should feel”, even though I loved him. Then one day, the thought came, “what if my distant feelings don’t mean that I’m stupid? What if I’m fearfully and wonderfully made for having self-protective mechanisms?”

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Yes! Our self-protective mechanisms actually are there for a reason! That’s how God made our psyches. It’s so interesting, and reassuring.

        Reply
  5. Shanda

    Thank you for this, Sheila. You’ve hit the nail on the head for those of us walking through this…not wanting to know, but already knowing…self-worth being all but non-existent…those are definitely things I’ve struggled with. I want to say that I am in the middle (or still near the beginning?) of my healing journey and connecting online with the people you mention has been a huge help. I often feel like I’m floundering, but I believe I’m slowly drawing those boundaries and getting my self-worth back. “I don’t know what the future holds but I know who holds the future” (cliche saying, I know) and that means I am loved beyond measure by that One and it was never intended that I be betrayed like this, but I can become confident in who I am becoming through this journey, no matter what the future holds. The Hope and Encouragement from you and others who are advocates for the betrayed and for truth means more than you know. Thank you for all you are doing. It means so much.

    Reply
  6. Emily B

    Thank you for this article, Sheila! These are powerful, healing words.

    Reply
  7. KT

    This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I am in tears reading what you wrote and that you’ve articulated my feelings since finding out that my husband not only has watched porn since we met (and before), but that he cheated on me while we were dating. We have now been married for 25 years and have had a good marriage but these things have left me feeling so betrayed and on edge because I’m not sure if there is anything else. He has repented, sworn that he is telling me the truth, that he only wants me and that he will not do this again. Although I believe his repentance is real, it still does not change the fact that for over 30 years I didn’t really know him – he was keeping secrets. It is very hard to fully trust and to let go of the feeling that I should hold back from ever fully engaging again. I have been to counseling and am about 4 years past his revelation but it still hurts. It is not a life I would have chosen had I known prior to marriage. I do love him though so it is very hard to know how to fully move forward and give myself completely again. Thank you for all you do – your messages have been very helpful since I’ve walked this road.

    Reply
  8. Anonymous2

    Thank you, Sheila, for acknowledging that when porn use/addiction comes to light, not all husbands choose to seek help, even in “Christian” marriages. My husband’s porn use came to light early on in our marriage, and although I felt like I was kicked in the stomach, I also believed that it was something that “all men” do, and I didn’t have much basis for complaining. Now years have passed, I have educated myself, and it seems that there is a groundswell of Christian thinkers and writers who acknowledge that porn use is unfaithfulness and is abusive. Over the years our sex life (which was never good) has deteriorated. As you stated, I don’t think I ever had sex, only intercourse. I certainly never had an orgasm. Within a couple years of our marriage, intercourse became solely focused on my husband’s pleasure, with no attention paid to mine. Now I suspect that he has issues with delayed ejaculation, which means that it takes so much time and energy to satisfy him that I am too worn out to even want to try to experience my own satisfaction. Yet my husband, who has briefly gone to a couple different counselors, believes that “nothing works” to address a porn addiction issue, and he is unwilling to try. I now understand that I have a Biblical basis for divorce, but unfortunately, my husband has been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s. If he could take care of himself (in life, not in the bedroom) I might leave, but for now I’m staying, but with separate sleeping arrangements. Sadly, I believe that due to his disease, it’s too late for him to address his issues and heal, even if he were to agree to engage with a properly trained counselor at this time.

    Reply
  9. Anon Mom

    I’m posting anonymously for obvious reasons.

    I realized that my husband’s use had crossed the line into addictive behavior. He himself said that it was wrong and constantly promised to stop and seemed angry at himself, but then he seemed to have a shadow side that he couldn’t control and that seemed to be determined to be “bad”.

    I knew at the time that it wasn’t really about me at all, even though it affected me. That helped me maintain confidence. It wasn’t about my looks or his love for me.

    What it took me years to realize, though, was that this wasn’t enough. I also had to get to a point that I wasn’t so worried about his emotional state (because he did feel extremely guilty and we had to break the hide-guilt-anxiety-act out cycle) that I pushed down my own feelings. I’m glad that he eventually got professional help for this, because he needed that and simply promising to change clearly was not working. Looking back, though, I could have used some help myself. I thought I didn’t need it because I wasn’t the one with the problem. Ultimately, though, it meant that I was utterly alone in handling my feelings. I couldn’t share them with him, since I wanted to be supportive and wasn’t trying to make him feel worse. I never told another soul. He got better and I was glad that the problem was behind us. I didn’t realize that I had never dealt with my own stress and need to prioritize how I was feeling. I developed some less-than-healthy habits of my own. I had to learn to make myself and my feelings a priority, and to make sure that I had support.

    Reply
  10. Margot

    Such a poignant, deep, loving post. Thank you! It brought tears to my eyes. Why does this message seem so unique and rare and fresh? It shouldn’t be. Of course we aren’t to blame for another’s sin.

    It also stood in sharp contrast against the non-apology Deb Fileta has posted on her blog today. Which basically says, if you didn’t like my book, you’re not healthy. Despite the book being marketed as a “comprehensive guide”. (Watch for the pop-up when you try to read the blog.)

    The type of posture you are modelling is so rare, Sheila. It gives me hope that Christianity might survive. Just not in its present form, unfortunately. I am grieving loss at so many levels and your blog has been a respite and an anchor.

    Reply
    • Lisa M

      Yes, stark contrast to what Fileta wrote, both in her book and on her blog. It’s NOT a couples issue and she doesn’t have to help re-build trust. She gets to decide when he has shown he is trustworthy.

      Reply
  11. Andrea

    I knew my little sister’s husband/pastor/father was a porn consumer when she confided to me, after the birth of her fourth child, that he wanted to start sodomizing her because, he said, her vagina “just didn’t feel the same any more.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her at the time, but she’s figured it out since, except I’m afraid they’re getting the typical Christian advice where she now has to act out his porn fantasies to keep him from going on line. I suggested she show him research by Masters and Johnson that found that “the vagina can squeeze so tightly, it can accommodate even the smallest of penises,” which is the answer every woman should tell a husband who wants anal because “it’s tighter.” Or, as one of my secular friends told her boyfriend, “You’re the one with the prostate!.”

    Reply
  12. Nessie

    Thank you for this. Tears. Some pain released. Some more movement towards believing it was not “my fault” as the church likes to scapegoat onto women. More movement towards not accepting HIS bad choices/behavior as MY stupidity in not catching it sooner (why must we feel we have to play a constant game of catch in our lives when married to porn users?) More movement away from feeling that God goofed when He made my particular body because it wasn’t good enough then much less now that I’m older to “keep him from going elsewhere” as other authors/church try to make us believe.

    In the midst of so many- especially those in positions of great inflluence- slyly implying to blatantly telling women it is our fault because it couldn’t possibly be due to his weakness (because apparently the Y chromosome makes one good enough while we are not, despite being made by the same Creator in the same Image), you, Sheila et al, have to fight all the harder to get the message to us that we are not wrong and less-than simply for existing; you win many of us women back to seeing God as the beautiful, loving Father He is, not solely a mean punisher of roughly half of what He made, as most with heavy influence say, encourage, and demand.

    You and your blog/book TGSR have given me hope- in God, in myself, in my marriage (some day, after a long time of healing), and in/for my husband, that he is not the horrible, unloving, non-Galatians 5:22-23 guy I learned to see him as because he bought into all this hateful, scriptural ignorance, just like I did. (Hint: your blog and book have greatly helped him see his part and beliefs in all this, too) You have been the springboard for saving our marriage, giving words to our pain, illuminating truth in how scripture is to be used (it’s not meant for abusing others) by shouting to be heard over the clamor of scriptural abusers despite their cries of “foul”, and you’ve shared safe, biblically sound resources (such as Bauman, Cusick, and Townsend/Cloud) to encourage further healing. From the deepest parts of the heart where Jesus resides, thank you.

    Reply
  13. Jo

    I have been following your posts for months, a bit at a time. there is so much emotion in me that it physically hurts to read, even your positive posts. But each time I read, I feel a little more validated. And I have begun to share your posts with my husband. My husband is amazing and loves me very much but he was addicted to porn for years. When we married he said he stopped but a couple of years into our marriage I found out he was still watching it. It broke me. I already struggled with confidence. And every Christian resource I read said I needed to work on that so I could give him the sex and love he needed. The burden was overwhelming. My husband saw me break. So we confessed to a small group what we were going through. I was told that I needed counselling. The small group could not believe it when I said “I didn’t think I could stay with someone who was watching porn.” They made me feel like I was the one with the problem and this is just a normal thing that men deal with and I needed to support and love him no matter what. I felt belittled, and that the battle was in my own head. I did go to counselling and am glad I did because I was told that the porn was his issue and had nothing to do with how I looked or how much sex we had (this helped me understand addiction a little but was still beyond painful) Even with counselling, I still feel like the message was to me and not to him. Over the next year, my husband did go through a journey that broke that addiction. But God used my brokenness to put him on that journey. It is a painful thing to talk about still…17 years into marriage. There are too many Christian authors who do not comprehend the raw pain we feel when we read their written words. I stopped listening to focus on the family a few years ago because I felt burdened and suicidal (I have a history of depression and anxiety that was definitely made worse by many Christian teachings. I finally found a psychotherapist who brought perspective and discernment into my life…she told me it is ok to not read and listen to teachings that make me feel burdened, that in fact, that could be Jesus giving me discernment. What a relief to have someone tell me just listen to Jesus and learn to say “no” to hurtful teachings.) I pray God will continue to equip you and others with energy and encouragement to continue writing words of life.

    Reply
  14. Confused in Columbus

    Would it be considered porn use if my husband looks at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, Victoria’s Secret catalogs, and girls on The Chive? I need to have a conversation with him about this but want to get an outside opinion. He has made it clear that his need to use these “resources” stems from me not being available as often as expected, compared to his mental image of marriage. 😐

    Reply
    • Sunflower

      Don’t argue with him if it’s called “porn” because you will not win that one. He is lusting over suggestive, inappropriate pictures and there’s a fine line between those and porn. I’m guessing that your mental image of marriage did not include him looking at other scantily clad women.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Yes, arguing about what is porn and what is not won’t get you anywhere. Telling him that he is objectifying women and getting turned on by other women is simply something you won’t accept is likely better. You’re not arguing, you’re just setting a boundary.

        Reply
    • S

      Confused,

      I really recommend you read The Great Sex Rescue as it discusses the way the “all men lust” mentality messes with women’s sex life/libido as it messes with intimacy & trust.

      My heart hurts because I’ve been there. My husband has never been one to seek violent or degrading porn but he did watch other things and often looked at scantily clad women online. Sometimes he would try to make me feel better when he’d explain it wasn’t just sex… Sometimes it was just women.

      I was like, “Sex I can understand from the exposure I’ve had to steamy scenes in movies. It’s other women that make me feel horrible.”

      Basically our husband’s eyes should only be for us and looking elsewhere threatens true intimacy.

      Thankfully my husband has never placed blame on me. He knows it is wrong and he knows it’s an issue with him.

      Counseling has been so good and healing for both of us. “Every man who enters a brothel is searching for God.” He found this to be true to his situation. And when he found a deeper relationship with God this all changed for the better.

      Miracles happen today. For any hurting women–I can promise this. And that miracle is our own healing.

      Sidenote for Sheila– Sometime I’d love a female porn addict to share about this dynamic of whether or not it has to do with a spouse. I think maybe if we women heard from another woman we’d understand it better. I know you’ve had guest posts but I’d especially love a discussion on attraction, desire, etc.

      Reply
  15. Lisa M

    Yes! Every word, yes.

    Reply
  16. Sunflower

    So what do you do if husband continues watching porn and refuses therapy?

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Please see a licensed counselor yourself to decide on next steps. You can also join some great Facebook coaching groups–search for Sarah McDugal, Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Patrick Weaver, and more. There are lots that have many women walking through that situation, but still talk about it from a Christian point of view.

      Reply
  17. Anon

    I wonder if men understand how it makes women feel unloved, ugly, and not enough when they use porn?

    Reply
  18. Laura

    So beautifully written, validating, and powerful. Thank you! There are a lot of confusing and damaging resources out there for dealing with a husband’s sexual sin. This post is spot-on.

    Reply
  19. Anonymous305

    I heard this guy on the internet say that when he was cheating on his wife, he had 2 separate worlds in his brain. In one world he loved his wife and didn’t find anything wrong with her, and in the other world he was just having fun. That could be misconstrued as “it’s not so bad because he loves his wife”, but that’s NOT how I see it. It makes me mad to call that “love”, but the worthwhile part is that his wife was NOT the reason for cheating!!!!

    Reply
  20. Hurt

    My husband said he dealt with his porn issue after I saw some things on his computer 1 yr into our marriage. 10 years later, I find he is on a fantasy fiction website and used me as inspiration for a character. He finally talked to our pastor last year. I felt disgusting and nasty. After the birth of our last child a couple months ago, I lost all interest in sex. Not just because of giving birth, but I am really doubting he has changed. I see zero spiritual growth and I like spending time with him, I love him but sure don’t want to be naked with him. I am sad. I miss that intimacy.

    Reply
  21. Sue

    I have read this twice now and think I will save it so I can read it at least once a week. I know these things to be true, but having them said over me by someone who understands is so comforting and confidence building. As my spouse is not in recovery, I struggle with how I can feel sexually confident.
    Reviewing my history in light of your pronouncements I realize that although I may not have been adventurous, but I was confident. That confidence was undermined by my sex addict husband. After 30 years of marriage, I discovered his lifelong habit.
    I long for the day when we can have sexual intimacy that flows out of our emotional intimacy. I wait and wait for the day when there will be only the two of us in bed, my husband makes love to me and me only, and his eyes are focused on me as he experiences release.

    Reply

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