The What’s Killing Women’s Libido Podcast

by | Jun 30, 2022 | gsr, Libido, Podcasts | 9 comments

What's Killing Women's Libido?

It’s the wrap up podcast for our What’s Killing Women’s Libido series!

At the end of the month we like to record a podcast that’s a little more aimed at men, and today we thought we’d wrap up what can cause women’s libidos to plummet–and what men can do about it!

Because it isn’t always men’s fault (in fact, it’s often not). But guys can still be a big part of the solution. And if libido differences are a huge issue in your marriage, it doesn’t mean that there’s nothing that can be done.

Asking the hard questions can really help!

So listen in.

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Timeline of the Podcast

0:10 ‘Boost Your Libido’ has been revamped!
2:15 What is killing women’s libido?
8:40 Orgasm gap
11:45 Brakes and accelerators
18:15 Health issues
23:40 Elora joins the podcast
39:15 Emotional closeness
49:45 What has happened over the years in marriage?
52:10 Can she say ‘no’?
1:00:30 Don’t forget Boost Your Libido launch prices!

Main Segment: What’s Killing Women’s Libido?

Keith and I started with the five things that, if present, make frequency pretty much take care of itself:

Five Things That Affect Frequency

  1. High marital satisfaction
  2. Women’s consistent orgasm
  3. Feeling emotionally close during sex
  4. No porn use
  5. No sexual dysfunction

We looked at them one by one, using lots of letters from readers, to see how this may play out. We showed how one guy was trying to help his wife with what sounds like a classic case of vaginismus–but that’s really something that needs a pelvic floor physiotherapist. We talked a bit about porn (and I read an excerpt from The Great Sex Rescue!).

 

 

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But we also looked at how what we believe about sex can impact libido. And for that we had a special guest.

Elora Dodd from Online1RoomSchoolhouse joined us!

Elora is a comedian on TikTok and Instagram, and dozens of people sent me some hilarious videos she did a while ago about the main plot about sex in women’s books vs. men’s books. They were just so darn funny I had to have her on to talk about her take.

She created a new one just for the show (we couldn’t run her originals on the podcast because of copyrighted music that can only be used on those platforms), and I’m very grateful! You won’t want to miss this. It’s hilarious.

But she also shared with us what it was like growing up as an autistic teen who tends to take things literally hearing all the purity culture messages. Very confusing.

Things Mentioned in This Podcast:

 

What's Killing Libido for Women?
Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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9 Comments

  1. Codec

    This Alora lady if great.

    Reply
  2. Codec

    Being vulnerable is hard. As a man I also see lots of horror stories of men trying to enter or build a relationship and the relationship becomes an awfull experience.

    Porn portrays it that whatever you do will be amazing. Even the things that are not are there to fulfill your fantasies. Fantasies can be a way to better understand yourself if you allow them to teach you.

    If you have been using porn for a while it almost feels like the closest thing to having a real relationship with a woman. How do you talk to women? How do you avoid becoming the next Johnny Depp Amber Heard case? How do you talk about sex without coming off as unbearably horny? What do I do if I ever meet a woman and we both like each other? I as a man want to know.

    Reply
    • Angharad

      How do you talk to women? You just – talk to them! There is no list of ‘topics of conversation appropriate for women’. Thinking of my friends, one likes to talk about horses and music, another is into motorbikes and computer programming, another loves books and travel, another is into Grand Prix racing and rugby, another likes photography, art and rabbits…and the list goes on.

      Just as you should when talking to a man, treat each one as an individual. And you don’t need to talk about sex unless you are in a serious relationship anyway. My OH and I didn’t discuss sex until we were talking in detail about getting married – and even then, we didn’t go into graphic detail.

      Reply
  3. Jo R

    Here’s the short and sweet version…

    Men, date your wife! For the time being, adopt the Christian sexual ethic of no sex before marriage, then treat her as if you’re unmarried and dating.

    Try it for a month. Or three. If you say you can’t hold out from sex for three months, that you need it every X days, then I have a very simple question: how long were you dating before you got married? I’ll just make a SWAG that it was longer, even considerably longer, than X days. If you could do it then, you can do it now.

    And If your wife has seldom—or NEVER—orgasmed, then you’ve been putting her through the EXACT thing you say you’re unable to do, and you’ve been doing so for as long as you’ve been married.

    A wedding ceremony does not give you permission to coast in the relationship. In fact, I would say you need to be even MORE attentive after the wedding than you were before. Because if you slack off the emotional connection (you remember, the time when she couldn’t keep her hands off you), then you’re really saying SHE, as the unique woman you married, isn’t special after all. If you don’t keep that emotional connection going, then she understands instinctively that in reality, you could have married ANY woman. If ANY woman would do, then you’ve have, in the most literal sense of the words, reduced your wife to a prostitute.

    Reply
  4. Nessie

    Elora was incredible! And yes, autistics are awesome, just in a different way than the “societal norm!” *Literal takes: I had to very intentionally explain verses like plucking out your eye if it causes you to sin, etc..

    I’ve heard guys give the “bait and switch” gripe often yet many women say the same of their husbands for behaving one way before marriage then completely reversing after and only caring about getting sex, meals, and housekeeping, with no more emotional effort/connecting.

    I think JoR nailed it above!!
    “… you’re really saying SHE, as the unique woman you married, isn’t special after all. If you don’t keep that emotional connection going, then she understands instinctively that in reality, you could have married ANY woman. If ANY woman would do, then you’ve have, in the most literal sense of the words, reduced your wife to a prostitute.”

    Reply
  5. RedeemedRecoveringSexAddict

    I have been following this site for while. Really turned my thinking of marriage and sex upsidedown! I have been on therapy with my wife (married 8 years) snd therapist just keep trying to get us understand how important it is to get sexual release for men and my wife should have more sex with me! I’m recovering sex addict (over 15 years of porn use and half of it in marriage) and it was really not good advice for me. Now I have let go the sexual “needs” and feel more close to my wife as all pressure is taken away from both of us. I still masturbate about twice a week and really try to cut it off, because it is pulling me back to porn, even though I masturbate thinking my wife. Btw orgasm gap is real! I have just one orgasm when we make love and my wife gets always one, but normally two or three!

    Reply
  6. Katydid

    When a woman is chronically overworked, tired, and stressed, naturally her body is going to be resistant to sex because it’s begging her not to get pregnant! I’ve noticed the more I’m working and the more I’m stressed, the less likely I am to want sex but also the less likely my body wants to cooperate with sex. My vagina gets tighter (not in a good way), less lubricated, and sex doesn’t feel very good.

    And when husbands cross their arms, pout, tell her he has stress, too, and to get over it, it only adds to the problem. Men aren’t the ones who get pregnant. Men aren’t the ones whose bodies are entered and can endure more damage. So, yes, stress and overwork affect her FAR MORE than they affect him, sexually. It’s a biological safety net and necessity.

    While people find this misogynistic today, back in time it was common to ensure wives were pampered and cared for. They were expected to stay home, have help, and not engage in too much in order for them to be relaxed, healthy, and have as little stress as possible to ensure healthier and safer pregnancies. Now, of course, it went too far. We know better, now, but there was something to it.

    And I also bet that a lot of women won’t admit to it because they don’t want to be seen as lazy and weak. 21st century women work.

    I want to have sex with my husband, but 9 times out of 10 if I could choose, I would choose sleep. And while him picking up some of the chores and mental load might help, it simply may not be enough to remedy the exhaustion. Letting her sleep in for a couple of hours on a Sunday isn’t going to make up for a decade of sleep deprivation and the daily stressors of family and work life.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Absolutely, Katydid. That’s why we need to look at how to make a truly equal partnership. It is possible. I hope it becomes more the norm too!

      Reply

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