What if there’s something super simple you could do that could improve your mood and your marriage?
I talked on Monday about rhythms in our lives–how to honor our bodies’ rhythms, with the need for work and rest; for feasting and fasting.
And I thought today we could talk about one of the biggest rhythms we have–sleep.
Can we honor the transition time between work and rest?
Here’s what happens in many households: You’re just desperate from some down time, so after the kids go to bed you collapse in front of the TV, streaming some shows, or playing some video games, until you’re exhausted. And then you collapse into bed.
We’ve got several problems with this.
First, while down time is important, down time that feeds your soul is even MORE important. Down time where you think, pray, process, even work on relationships–that’s what really makes us feel like “today has been a good day.”
Second, heading to bed right after you’ve been watching a screen doesn’t lead to restful sleep. Turning away from screens an hour before bed can lead to better sleep.
And third, having a set time where you prioritize certain disciplines or habits can make you feel more peaceful and purposeful while also aiding the transition to sleep.
True confession: I’m not very good at this. Keith and I tend to eat dinner later and go to bed earlier (by 10), because we get up quite early. So we don’t have a lot of evening time, and if we watch a movie, then by the time it’s over it’s already time to sleep.
But when I do get into routines where I’m in bed by 9:15, I really appreciate and benefit from it.
So here’s what I’m suggesting:
Go to bed before you’re tired–and then make use of that time!
Now, a big caveat: If you’re absolutely exhausted when the kids go to bed, then you should just go to bed! If you don’t have a time in the evening when you’re not absolutely exhausted, then it’s best to catch up on some sleep as soon as you can and try to see if you can change how you do your daily life so that you do have times when you’re not exhausted.
And another big caveat: I know some people are “night owls” and some “morning people”, and the morning people may want to go to bed a lot earlier than the night owls. If you’re a night owl, try to follow some of this routine anyway. It may help you sleep better, but the important thing is that you’re heading to bed and spending some time with your spouse before you head to sleep.
That transition time before sleep is a great opportunity to spend meaningful time on things that matter to you.
Often we have things that we really want to get done–but the rest of the day is so busy and so packed that if we’re just trying to fit things in, it doesn’t work. But in the evenings you often have that time. So let’s see 8 things you could potentially do with it!
UPDATE: A number of people have told me that this transition period really shouldn’t take place in bed because you get better sleep if you associate the bed with sleep. And you get better posture if you’re not propped up on pillows in a weird way. So thank you for that! If you want to have your downtime on the couch or a comfy chair, that works too!
1. Read a book.
I want to read at least two big nonfiction books a month, and I don’t have a lot of reading time during the day. So what I’ve done is start reading at least two chapters each night.
Have you ever set a goal to read a certain number of books this year, and then you’ve never actually met that goal? A great way is to start reading at night–before you’re tired!
2. Read the Bible.
Want to do more personal devotions? For many of us, trying to read first thing in the morning is a losing proposition. We’re too tired, there’s too much to do, and it isn’t restful. But reading when there aren’t other demands on you can be much easier. And then it sets the stage for a restful night’s sleep to meditate on it!
Don’t know what to read? Get a Bible reading app, or use the Anglican Lectionary (lots of apps for that too!)
3. Pray.
At one of my last speaking engagements before COVID, a reader of my blog who attended handed me a beautiful hand-crafted set of Anglican prayer beads. I had no idea what to do with them. But I looked it up, and found a whole bunch of different ways you can pray through them, or even incorporate them into your devotions (that’s now my favourite way of reading the Bible).
I always struggled with prayer, but this is so purposeful and so meditative that I love it.
You can also get books of prayers (I love this one), or just spend some time being quiet in whatever way works best for you.
4. Journal
Whether it’s processing your thoughts as you’re working through something big in your life, or just bullet journalling when you write down just a few things that happened today, or even just a journal of the funny things your kids did today to refer to later, taking that few minutes to record the highlights can be a lasting blessing.
5. Plan for the next day
Often one of the reasons we have trouble drifting off to sleep is that we’re worried we’re going to forget something we need to do tomorrow. Spending some time at the end of the day to go over the appointments or errands you have for tomorrow, to look at your calendar, and to create your to do list can help you feel like, “okay, I’ve got this all sorted, I don’t need to worry now.” And it also helps you prepare a bit while you sleep!
Taking a look at your calendar beforehand can also prevent difficulties. Let’s say Kid 1 has piano lessons right when Kid 2 has a dentist appointment. Then you can realize–okay, I need to ask my spouse to pick up Kid 1 tomorrow, though that’s not normally his/her job!
What about couple activities during the transition time?
Well, all of the things already mentioned can be done alone or together! Some couples can do these things side by side–perhaps even different things side by side. And some may want to do these things together (read a book out loud; read the Bible out loud; go over the logistics for tomorrow, etc.)
But let’s turn to things that you can do together as a couple!
6. Share your Most In the Groove/Most Defeated moments
The marriage habit I recommend the most is a variation on the high/low exercise. Instead of sharing your best and worst moment of the day, share the time you felt the most in the groove, like you were doing what you were put on earth to do, and the moment you felt the most defeated. These tap into your most emotional moments, and let you and your spouse in on what’s really going on in your heart.
Usually we say things like, “what did you do today?”, but that doesn’t necessarily help us connect emotionally. It may elicit a list of appointments or errands or accomplishments, but not how you’re actually feeling or clue you in on each other’s emotional state.
Sharing two emotional snapshots, on the other hand, can help you process things together while pulling the curtain back on what affects your spouse. Especially when couples are struggling to open up emotionally, or when one of you is struggling to learn how to communicate emotionally, this can be such a great tool.
7. Give each other massages
Is there anything yummier than a back massage? Or a foot massage? And it’s a great way to relax before sleep, too!
8. Make love
Finally, the big one. Going to bed before you’re tired makes it much easier to make love! How many times have you headed to bed intending, and even wanting, to have sex, but then by the time your head hits the pillow you start to drift off and the opportunity’s gone? But if you head to bed before you’re exhausted, take some transition time to process, think, and talk, then making love is more likely to be an enticing idea!
Plus–and here’s the big one–orgasms make you sleep better! And it makes it easier to fall asleep. In fact, one of the effects of the hormonal rush you get at orgasm is that you get really sleepy.
(Incidentally, this is why it’s so important for the husband to bring the wife to orgasm first, rather than thinking, “well, let’s see if she gets there before I do, and if not, I’ll take care of her afterwards.” He may have the best of intentions, but his entire body will be telling him, “you want to go to sleep now.” And having a super sleepy guy trying to stimulate you will just make her feel she’s taking too long and make her feel awkward and it’s not likely to work.)
So even if you’re a night owl, and you’d normally stay up later, if you do make love and orgasm, your body will likely want to go to sleep anyway. And that’s better for you in the long run, to get a good night’s sleep!
Note: If you DON’T reach orgasm, sleep can be even more elusive if you try to make love, because you’re all keyed up and got no satisfaction. That’s why we need to start prioritizing orgasm for women and bridge that orgasm gap! And we’ve got a course for that too.
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Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
What would happen if you started making it a habit to turn into bed 45 minutes before you normally go to sleep?
What would happen if you made use of that transition time to care for your mental and spiritual health, and to connect together?
It’s a little switch, but it’s one I’m increasingly trying to make. Our world is so busy and we’re always rushing and our screens are always on. What if we used our bedrooms as retreats, and paid attention to the things that mattered?
Breaking habits is hard. But I’m trying. How about you?
What do you think? Do you have a bedtime routine? When do you read/journal, etc.? Let’s talk in the comments!
I think this is great advice. I know it is not feasible for everyone but if it is then at least try it for a month. We’ve been married 25 years and we have done this our entire marriage. We always get in bed, together, at least 45 minutes to an hour before we want to sleep. Now, we will watch a show together but often it ends up ignored in favor of talking. However, for us it is about the quality time together while enjoying being held in each others arms. And I agree that it does make sex much more likely and a natural outflow of the relationship when you are going to bed while not tired and with the intention of spending quality time connecting instead of just getting in bed to sleep. I will say that one of things that makes this work for us though is that Friday night is our one night we don’t do this. My husband has never needed a much sleep as I do, so Friday night is his night to stay up really late and watch a movie I don’t want to watch, play video games or play guitar. It’s his night to do the things that we don’t do together. I often just watch a movie in bed that he isn’t interested in. I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule for making this work and it may not work for every couple but it definitely is one of the things that I would point to that keeps our marriage strong, healthy and connected!
I LOVE THIS! What a great idea. A way to prioritize everyone’s needs.
You should unwind before bed, but unwinding is best done on the couch or recliner, not in bed. The American Sleep Association recommends that you only be in your bed for sleep and sex; to do otherwise causes your brain to associate being in bed with being awake, not asleep.
I agree with this from my personal experience (insomnia sufferer). I like that middle ground of setting aside quiet, settling-in time elsewhere. (Either way, it takes some level of discipline to change habits.) My husband cannot stay awake in bed except for sexual activity. He just can’t- which is great for his sleep patterns at least.
Communication can go far in figuring out how a couple wants to handle that time before bed.
Interesting! I absolutely love that half hour reading in bed, though….My bed is really comfy.
As someone who has recently seen a physician for chronic insomnia, I have been told this, as well.
Thanks for explicitly saying that it’s the orgasm that helps you sleep. Too many teachers leave that part out, completely ignoring the orgasm gap. And for wives having obligation sex, it’s a lifeline that helps them know they should be expecting to orgasm. It’s not actually the sex, it’s the orgasm, that helps with sleep.
“It’s not actually the sex, it’s the orgasm, that helps with sleep.”
Louder, for the people in the back.
Yes, I didn’t used to explain this very well and then women called me out on it! That’s when I started thinking about the orgasm gap, actually.
Exactly. Sex makes it impossible for me to sleep, because it’s miserable and bad. Maybe an orgasm would help, but I wouldn’t know.
❤️
I struggle with this. I am the classic Dad with a wife and kids who make fun of me for having my spot! It happens to be on the couch where I have good intentions to read a book and end up falling asleep at 9pm where I lay usually until 11ish and then move to the bed. Terrible habit – no reading completed – just a lump on a couch. I do struggle with fatigue for various health reasons and the bigger topic that feeds my other health issues is I definitely struggle with seasonal light changes. This zapps the crap out of me. It tends to last 2-3 weeks depending on the time if year and how it also effects my mood – I now know when its coming and can Identify it as I have now learned to watch out for it. The worst one is actually my wifes birthday 😟. Dec 21 the shortest day of the year. Usually the hardest time of year for me and can last into mid to late January to early February. Recently I was listening to a podcast and the guy said I can live the couch life or I can live the good life. It really struck me cuz I know I need to do something about it but just havent committed. I have tried at times and then I fall back to the pattern. I have been working on staying off the couch or just going to bed. It would def just be better to go to bed earlier and skip the couch. Oh and here is my responses to suggestions:
1. read a book. NOT ON COUCH! Sit up somewhere else
2. Read the Bible. – I love reading the bible in the morning 😬
3. Pray – prayer has been a struggle for me for the last 3 years. – I need to work on this
4. Journal – this may seem weird to folks but I am probably still a top commenter here – this is where I do my journalling. I like it because while I know there is an electronic documentation for me it disappears. I like to write and never see it again.
5. Plan the next day – me and the wife do this often. It is good
6. Hi/Lo – me and the wife do this as well – except we dont do hi/lo we just talk about our day. I plan on adding the hi/lo – seen this before here but have not really done it.
7. Messages – I am down with this. Recently Melt has been asking if you have done the message they suggested. I started engaging in the conversation – pretty much just saying no I have not – but they are short like even 90 seconds. Need to get on this.
8. Make Love. Do I really meed to comment on this? Of course I am down with that!
Have a great day all.
Phil,
another factor you may want to consider is getting a sleep study. If you can’t read at 9 pm without crashing, while sitting up, there may be a hidden issue. For me it turned out that I have sleep apnea, got a CPAP machine, and now my wife sleeps better (as do I 😉 ).
I do like to read in bed – it’s so comfy! Then when my OH comes to bed too, we can chat, snuggle or have sex depending on how much energy we have. And we go to sleep listening to an audio book. We pick a story that’s not very dramatic and usually one we know well, so there’s no temptation to stay awake to the end. Usually a classic like Charles Dickens, Anthony Trollope, Jane Austen. Or a travel guide.
For those who do like to read in bed, I recommend a wedge pillow. I bought one a few months back and it’s amazing – especially good for anyone with back issues or respiratory conditions. I use it one way round to prop me up for reading, and the other way round to keep my head up for sleeping. I’m sleeping so much better since using it.
The problem with having an orgasm first (and this is always recommended} is that I’m good for nothing afterwards, so no this doesn’t work for me. We are always being told, men like to crash after they’ve climaxed. Well, so do many women. This is why we usually take turns. His night, her night.