I’ve spent years trying to untangle the Christian marriage advice puzzle.
When we started researching the best-selling marriage books when we were writing The Great Sex Rescue, we found, to our dismay, that the majority of them ended up giving really bad advice, that ended up hurting marriages.
And we measured this. We were able to show, through our surveys, that the idea that marriage should be based on hierarchy, and that men’s need for “sexual release” should become the primary consideration in the marriage, bears super rotten fruit.
But it’s also really widespread.
And our research for our new book The Marriage You Want (that launches next week!) showed this even more starkly. Much of the advice given in Christian marriage books leads to LESS marital flourishing, not more.
How did we end up here?
And the truth is–often by using Bible verses.
As much as I try to counter the harmful advice with OTHER verses from the Bible and show that this is not what Jesus wants for us, quite simply the Bible does tell us to wait on God and pray; it does tell us to be more humble and more gentle; it does tell us look after the interests of others first.
All those things that women have been told, that often end up hurting us, are indeed based in Bible verses.
But what if it’s based in the wrong ones?
What if we’re not getting the full picture? In fact, what if we’re only getting half of it?
A big theme of Scripture is the evening out of power relationships.
I love Isaiah 40; it’s all about the good news that God is bringing and what God will accomplish for us, and it ends with the beautiful verses about how we shall rise up on wings like eagles, and we shall run and not be weary, and we shall walk and not grow faint. It’s lovely.
But I want to talk about verse 4 (and here it is with a bit of context):
A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
the way for the Lord;
make straight in the desert
a highway for our God.
4
Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
5
And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”
The high stuff will be brought down, AND the low stuff shall be brought up.
We’ve got TWO things going on here.
And the Bible gives advice to do both things.
When it comes to lifting up, the Bible tells us to, for instance (not an exhaustive list!):
- Be courageous (Joshua 1:9)
- Speak up (Proverbs 31:8-9)
- Fight for our proper rights (Tamar, Ruth, the daughters of Zelephehad)
- Stand up to oppressors and bullies (Isaiah 1:17; the book of Esther)
- Use all of our gifts (Matthew 25:14-30)
And when it comes to bringing down low, the Bible tells us to (again, not exhaustive!):
- Defer and submit to others (Ephesians 5:21)
- Honor others above ourselves (Philippians 2:3-4)
- Be gentle and humble (Ephesians 4:2)
- Don’t seek the seat of honor (Luke 14:7-14)
- Seek to serve, not to serve, and don’t aim for power or authority (Matthew 20:25-28)
When it comes to marriage, what if we’re giving good advice to the wrong group?
- Those that are low down need to be given the lifted up messages
- Those that are high up need to be given the lowering messages
Those who are lower down need to be encouraged to speak up, to use their gifts, to show up with everything they are rather than deferring to another and disappearing. But those who are high up need to be encouraged to defer, to submit, to humble themselves and to serve.
So who is low down, and who is high up?
Well, historically and theologically women have been low down. Marriage has become a hierarchical institution where we are taught that men are in authority over women (this is not the only, or even the best, biblical interpretation).
And in our survey of 7000 people for our new book The Marriage You Want, we found that, when couples are not acting as equals (as thankfully many do), it tends to be women who are bearing the brunt of the work.
It is primarily women who bear the unfairness threshold. It is primarily women who carry more than their fair share of mental load and housework. It is primarily women who do the majority of the kinkeeping for both. It is primarily women who do the emotional labor in the relationship.
And it affects the marriage tremendously! When couples don’t function as teammates, bad things happen. But when couples function as teams, marriages flourish!
(chart from chapter 2 of The Marriage You Want)
For marriages to thrive, we need to correct the imbalance.
We need to give MEN the lowering down messages, and WOMEN the lifted up messages.
Men need to be told to be humble, to defer, to think of others more than themselves, to work and not expect to be waited on.
Women, on the other hand, need to be told to speak up for justice, to correct wrongdoing, to be courageous, to find their voice.
Yet what do Christian marriage books tend to do?
Instead of trying to create level ground, they make the mountains higher and the valleys lower!
They give the “lower down” messages to WOMEN, and they give the “lifted up” messages to MEN.
Men are told to lead; to be strong; to use their voice; to take and use power. And women are told to serve their husbands and not expect anything in return (this podcast has some great examples of the messages to not expect anything).
That’s why Christian marriage advice often makes things worse.
Yes, we’re using Bible verses, but we’re using the WRONG ONES on the WRONG PEOPLE.
Our emphasis in The Marriage You Want is to create that even ground.
Our whole focus, throughout the book, is how can we build a team that works?
And often this means that men need to step up to the plate, especially in areas of housework, mental load, and emotional labor.
But it isn’t always men. In some relationships, women occupy the high ground, and need to be brought lower.
So our message isn’t a gendered one; it’s a teamwork one. We give major gendered warnings where appropriate (because our data overwhelmingly shows that women bear the brunt of unsatisfying sex; too much mental load; and too much emotional labor). But the emphasis is a simple one: Let’s build a team. And that means that we have to examine ourselves and be honest about whether we’re acting entitled. We need to learn to speak up for what we need, and to show grace to our spouse.
But we can’t get anything done until we even the playing field.
We’ll get dismissed as being “feminist”. But we’re just being biblical.
I believe The Marriage You Want will revolutionize Christian marriage advice.
We can finally make it healthy, because we’re going to stop pushing for those who are high up to be even higher, and those who are lower down to be even lower.
We’re going to even the playing field, just as God wants.
And in the book, I think we make this palatable because we show, with tons of charts, how much better teamwork is for everyone–and how much better it is even for your sex life! So there’s a lot of incentive to adopt teamwork.
God doesn’t like hierarchies. God wants us loving and serving each other, while using all of our gifts He has bestowed.
That requires a level playing field.
And, as we found in our survey, that’s when marriages thrive. That’s when you get the marriage you want.
So it’s time for the RIGHT people to get the RIGHT advice.
The book launches in just eight days. Will you help create buzz about it by sharing on social media? And pre-order it now, too, so that you can get our alternate conclusion for free! Just send in your receipt here.
It’s time for a healthy change–and I believe that change is coming!
What will it take to even the playing field? Let’s talk in the comments!
One final thought on the earlier topic: Love Language.
What if some of the cases being described are a combination of overkill and coverup? Like somebody who does chores all day in order to avoid emotional connections, or who write love poems all day so they won’t have to do any physical work around the house? Households, marriage, families, these are complicated things and we need a balance of the different parts of it. We need to take out the trash and do the dishes, but we also need to connect with each other emotionally and physically. We need to spend time with our kids, and also cultivate relationships and friendships with other people. We need time for ourselves, and so on. Maybe some people are doing an enormous amount with one part to avoid doing anything on the other parts.
I think that’s very much true!
“Instead of trying to create level ground, they make the mountains higher and the valleys lower!”
This is so true! It seems like people are so hesitant to take Scripture’s challenges to power structures and hierarchies seriously, and not just as it relates to marriages. Of course, it’s much more palatable to preach humility to those who are already humble, and empowerment to those who are already powerful. But maintaining the status quo isn’t supposed to be the goal.
I like the quote that says you can’t truly compromise until both parties are on relatively equal ground. Some people, when talking about countries at war, say that you should only sit down at the conference table when you opponent unconditionally surrenders. Other, when speaking of corporate buyouts, will tell you to establish the high ground first “I’m buying YOU out, you aren’t buying ME out”, before you negotiate.
However, as has been pointed out many times here and elsewhere, a marriage isn’t a country or a corporation. It is, or should be, a truly equal union.
I think this might be a typo here: Seek to serve, not to serve, and don’t aim for power or authority (Matthew 20:25-28)
Shouldn’t it be “Seek to serve, not to BE served, and don’t aim for power or authority”?
I agree that a lot of Christian marriage books give terrible advice and that’s why I stopped reading those kind of books years ago. Reading those books during my single-again years made me feel that if this is the way a “Christian” marriage has to be, then I’d rather stay single. Thankfully, I found a great man who does not act like those men who write these books. I am getting excited for your new book and workbook to come out. So far, I’ve been enjoying the book as I was able to download it thanks to preordering it.
I would question whether those books give “marriage” advice, or power-tripping advice?
In a similar vein, there are many websites out there that talk about great complementarianism is, and a lot of them seem to say “God created men and women equally. The fact that men have all of the administrative and decision-making roles, and women have all the submission and support roles, is just a coincidence”.
I really love this! It reminds me of something I heard recently about how women need to hear more messages about making themselves bigger while men need messages about making themselves smaller. Women are already conditioned to be small, quiet, and subservient, and yet the messages about being MORE quiet, humble, submissive are aimed at us. Men who are already conditioned to rule with an iron fist get more of the powerhouse verses. It was a really eye opening moment for me when I heard that. I love that you’re saying the same thing in a different way!
I’ve long thought about this in a different terms. The advice to “do more,” “serve more,” “initiate sex more,” etc., doesn’t apply when you’re already doing plenty of that and you have different problems.
Imagine that you’re in Canada trying to get to Montreal. “Go east” is fine advice if you’re in Toronto or Vancouver (or most of Canada), not so much if you’re in Prince Edward Island. That advice lands you in the ocean.
Put another way, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. Tell women to sacrifice more, make themselves smaller, initiate sex more, fake orgasms! That didn’t work, so let’s push it even harder!
Sometimes, if something isn’t working no matter how hard you try, your best course of action is to do the exact opposite and see how it pans out. That’s what gets us to your advice about telling men to serve and women to be served.
Really great analogy!
This is similar to something I saw here a while back. It may have been a post or in a comment, but someone mentioned a psalm (I think?) in which God was freeing the oppressed- and it had never occured to me that I fit into the oppressed category due to abuses done against me. I always saw it as meaning those who had it worse than me, and I hadn’t consider myself oppressed because then I would have been thinking too highly of myself.
It has caused a huge paradigm shift. I know it in my head but it is taking me a long time and lots of intentionality to feel and live it. But I absolutely loved this post for how eye-opening and freeing it, too, has been. Thank you.