Biblical manhood can’t be separated from actual biblical men.
There’s so much talk about “biblical manhood” and “biblical womanhood”, and it’s all rather crazy.
Most of the things that we consider “biblical womanhood” aren’t actually demonstrated by any of the feminine heroes of the Bible. Do you know any woman who actually fully submitted to her husband? I don’t. In fact, the woman who are praised are the ones who stood up for what was right!
And the women who are praised weren’t primarily gentle and quiet, either.
We encounter similar issues with biblical manhood.
When you actually look at what the male heroes in the Bible did, they often demonstrated many traits that we wouldn’t consider typically “masculine.”
One of the things I try to do at Bare Marriage is challenge these stereotypes that we have of men and women, and encourage all of us instead to seek out the Holy Spirit’s will for our individual lives and individual marriages. As we found in our survey of 20,000 women for The Great Sex Rescue, believing in gender stereotypes hurts people. Acting out traditional gender roles, where she stays at home and he works, for instance, doesn’t necessarily hurt people. But as soon as you think that this is the way things SHOULD be, then we start to see cracks in the foundation. We shared about all of this in chapter 2 of The Great Sex Rescue!
God created us as individual people. And He knows us intimately. He doesn’t see you as a stereotype; He sees you as you. And you’re allowed to be you!
We had fun making up biblical womanhood merch two years ago.
We sat down and thought about all the things that biblical women did, and created a design for it!
And we’ve got it available in all sorts of items–mugs, insulated travel cups, notebooks, stickers, even t-shirts (for the T-shirt, the main writing is on the back!).
And we’ve got canvas wall art and tote bags, too. Think of what a conversation starter it would be showing up to a woman’s Bible study with your Bible and notebook inside the bag!
This year we decided it was time to come up with Biblical Manhood merch too.
So one day while Joanna, Rebecca, Tammy and I were all on Facetime, we came up with a list of the things that we would not normally associate with biblical manhood that actual biblical men actually did.
In case you can’t read it, it says:
Be a Biblical Man
garden like Adam, cook like Jacob, write poetry like Solomon, dance like David, show affection like Jonathan, sing like Moses, submit to female leadership like Barak, repent and make right like Zaccheus, grieve like Job, teach like Barnabas, foster community like Nehemiah, study like Josiah, exhort like Peter, mentor like Paul, serve like Stephen, care for your children like Jairus, weep like Jeremiah, call others to holiness like Ezekiel, have faith like Abraham, care for your elders like John, share Christ like Andrew, stand fast like Daniel, and be devoted to our Savior like the disciple Jesus loved.
And we created merch with this design, too! T-shirts, mugs, travel mugs, and more.
(I use so many of the insulated travel mugs! Ice stays frozen all day, and they don’t leak so you can just pop it in your bag. I absolutely love them. They’re a game changer for me!)
I hope you like our biblical manhood merch!
It’s our new merch for September, and we’re always looking for new designs to launch.
This blog and podcast is basically paid for by merch sales, course sales, and our wonderful Patreon supporters (book sales help too, of course, but royalties from books are so low!).
So if you like something, pick it up and use it for an appreciation gift for someone at church; a graduation gift for someone at school; or just a statement piece for you. And, of course, they make great stocking stuffers too!
Want other ways to support us?
Check out our Great Sex Rescue Toolkit! It’s chock full of beautifully designed hand-outs about the problems with different teachings on sex, as well as checklists for pastors and leaders to use to make sure they’re talking about sex well.
It’s great for helping you have those conversations with your small group leaders, pastors, or more. And it’s pay-what-you-want, meaning you can pay very little if you just can’t afford it (because we don’t want price to be an obstacle), or you can kick in some more to help support us.
Or you can always support us on Patreon! That money is going to help us to do two big surveys in the next few months. And our Patreon Facebook group is a wealth of information–and it’s often where I run new post ideas first to see if they work.
Or check out our other merch and what’s in our store!
Have any other merch ideas for us to do? Or do you have different products you’d like with our designs? Let me know in the comments!
Neat.
I’d like to add ‘walk with God like Enoch’ and ‘trust God’s promises like Simeon’!
What a fab list – so good to be reminded of the wide range of skills, abilities, talents and personalities that God worked in & through, instead of the narrow stereotypes that so many modern teachers try to proclaim as ‘true’ Biblical manhood/womanhood!
Oh, those are good too!
This is great 🙂
I’d love to see some stuff with the “be a biblical man” on one side and “be a biblical woman” on the other!!
Great idea!
Yeah!
Hmmmm … it might be worth considering clothing merch with “biblical woman” on the front and “biblical man” on the back. And vis-a-vis. It would be neat to wear both at the same time 🙂
That’s an awesome idea!
Awesome! I think there are several places in the Bible where men bake bread, even if they are married. I love that 💗
Love these! 💖 (And has it really been TWO years since the biblical women merch?? Time sure flies!)
Grieve like Jesus
I’m referring to when Jesus wept after hearing about his friend Lazarus.
Great one, Laura!
Build like Noah.
Create art like Bezalel and Aholiab.
Witness like Philip.
Is there any Biblical man not yet mentioned who was noted for being a good listener, especially to the voice of the Holy Spirit?
Samuel?
And although it doesn’t say so directly, I think Barnabas must have been a pretty good listener. “When he arrived and saw what the grace of God had done, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts” Sounds to me as if he must have been a good listener to know what God had done in people’s lives!
Samuel when he was a child.
Respect God’s law like Naboth.
Have compassion like Jesus.
Every time I think I’m done, I keep thinking of more!
Call for justice and mercy like Micah
Do the hard thing like Jonah
Rebuild the ruins like Ezra and Haggai
Trust like Habakkuk
Love the unlovely like Hosea
Prophesy like Isaiah.
I think I like Do hard things like Jonah best! So good.
Love this!!!!
Also, to answer your question “Do you know any woman who actually fully submitted to her husband? I don’t.” There’s Sapphira, who went along with her husband when he lied to the apostles. But she was pretty clearly NOT supposed to do that.
I have a blog post about how there aren’t really any women in the bible who followed the “purity” rules and were rewarded with a perfect marriage- so why are they telling girls in Sunday school that this is how God planned it to work for all girls? “God has one perfect guy for you!” Yeah, that’s not biblical. https://tellmewhytheworldisweird.blogspot.com/2016/05/biblical-women-purity.html
Also this reminds me of the time I read Proverbs 31- and before I read it, I expected it to be about “this godly role model woman submits to her husband” but instead it was about “she owns her own business, is super organized, makes intelligent business deals, is really independent and self-sufficient, is a good manager for the servants in her home, her husband trusts her” etc. How about that.
Exactly!
I believed that garbage about “there’s only ONE perfect guy for you,” I believed that if I didn’t marry that one then I would be single for the rest of my life and die alone. (I really thought God hated me.) So I married a guy I *thought* was God’s will for me, ignoring every red flag I saw (and there were several), and now I’m in process of divorce. Purity culture bites.
Years ago when co fronted with this insanity in a high school Sunday school class I pointed out that it was a mathematical impossibility to marry the one person that you’re supposed to marry.
Once two people get married that aren’t supposed to you very quickly have thousands of people marrying the wrong person as a result of the first two messing it up. Now, get a thousand people marrying the wrong person and you wind up with nobody marrying the right person since the early Bronze Age.
😂😂😂
I remember doing the same thing in my church youth group when I was about 16 – I was told I had an ‘attitude problem’!
(And what about widows and widowers remarrying? Which order were they meant to be marrying their spouses in? What if you marry the second one first?)
Wait patiently like Caleb (Joshua 14)
Take directions like the Hebrew spies (Joshua 2)
Heed advice like Naaman (2 Kings 5)
Welcome outsiders like Boaz
Protect the unprotected like Boaz
Let others go first like Abram (Genesis 13)
Give hands-on care like the good Samaritan
Care for and be patient with young children… like Jesus
Do the washing like Jesus (John 13)
Make breakfast like Jesus (John 21)
Say no to idols like shadrach, meshach and abednego
Forgive enemies like Stephen
And just for fun:
Eat vegetarian like Daniel (Daniel 1)
Accept a marriage proposal like Boaz 😂
So good!
I like “Take directions like the hebrew spies!” 😀
I love these!
Fold your clothes like Jesus
John 20:7
That’s hilarious! 😄 😁 🤣
HAHAHA!
Be a warrior like Ehud.
I forgot, dream like Joseph in Genesis.
Practice sexual integrity like Joseph.
Exactly right.
Bam yes! Why is sexual integrity always on the women?? Like this one!
Why Do Assume It’s the Male? Seems One Sided on Your Part. WHO Said Anything About Coercion? Why Add “Opinions” From Disfunctional Relationships & Not Just Obey Scripture?
Sheila, this is way off topic for this post, but I wanted to be sure you saw this: your discussion of citations in the podcast about Nancy Pearcy was the best thing ever for both undergrads and postgrads. I keep it in mind and I will share that video with people for that discussion alone, never even mind the rebuttal of the book. The importance of the NUMBERS of citations, of using *recent* research so you’re not outdated, and so on, was SO. GOOD. Thank you.
It totally would’ve bought this if it had “put a tent stake through a tyrants head, like…”. That’s the one I was waiting for. Or “lead an army to victory like Deborah”. Let’s not water down what women can do. I totally would’ve bought if it had those those 🙂
We’ve got lead like Deborah and win battles like Jael. There’s not much room for much else! 🙂
Be All You can Be in Life For Your Spouse. A Spouse Using Sex as A Weapon To Force the Other to Change Is Not Biblical. Using the Marriage Bed as a Tool to Manipulate the Other Spouse By Withholding Without Consent Mutually Is Insensitive & Antithetical to Scripture 1 Cor. 7:3-5 This Turns a Marriage into a Sexless Union.
So, to be clear, coercing your wife is okay, but her saying that sex is supposed to be for her, too, and that sex should be humanizing and intimate is antithetical to Scripture?
I also find it so funny when men assume that if they’re expected to make sex intimate, then obviously they’re signing up for a sexless union. Because that’s just too much to ask I guess?
Like, there is an alternative. Just be a decent husband!
Sheila… you are saying you don’t need to obey God’s Word saying wives submit to your husbands because you don’t see a worthy example? We cannot follow sinful fallen man as an example. We follow what God’s Word actually says to do. It isn’t based upon you finding text from Scripture that supports it. Is this how you teach your audience about the Bible? If man or woman isn’t seen in Scripture doing it then we can disregard it?
Are you aware of the cultural and societal framework in which Paul wrote Ephesians?
Husbands could literally murder their wives with complete legal impunity. When Paul told Roman Empire wives to submit to their husbands, he wasn’t saying anything new or radical. Legally and by societal mores, wives HAD to submit to their husbands. But Paul had just said that ALL Christians should submit to one another. When Paul goes on to tell husbands to feed their wives, give them clean and pressed clothing, and treat their wives’ bodies as the husbands treated their own bodies, Paul completely flipped the societal structure on its head. Men would have been SHOCKED to be told that they needed to treat their wives with even a modicum of what we today would consider ordinary decency.
Where did Paul (or any other NT writer) say that husbands should LEAD their wives? Nowhere. In Ephesians 5, husbands are told—SIX TIMES—to love their wives, and that Greek word is agape, the kind of love that is other-focused to, if necessary, one’s own detriment, just the way God loves us.
As for the word “head,” the particular Greek word used does not denote authority. Koine Greek has lots of words that mean “boss,” but kephale is not one of the them. It was used of the thing on top of your shoulders, in illustrations denoting the unity of the head and the rest of the body, and in the meaning of “source,” exactly the same way in English we talk about a trailhead or the head of a river.
So, if we’re going to do what Scripture says, let’s make sure we first understand what the original readers would have understood it to mean. Then we can glean principles for application in a completely different time and place.
Jo R, yes I am aware of all those things you mentioned above. What about the metaphor of marriage likened to Christ and the church?
So if you’re going to go with that metaphor as playing out in each marriage, will your husband be celibate tonight, or will you crucify him?
Husbands are NOT Jesus in their wives’ lives. He is an example to husbands, how husbands should lay down their lives in service to their wives. In Ephesians, Paul flat-out told Christian Roman husbands to do literal WOMEN’S WORK. The feeding of the family, the seeing to their clothes, that was all done by the wife (or the wife oversaw the slaves that did it).
Where is the authority, the “bossness” in a man so diminishing himself?
It does not appear that you understand what was being asked of Christian Roman husbands, because you’re starting from the twenty-first century and looking back, not starting in the honor-shame culture of the first-century Roman Empire.
Why do you believe that the emperor-worshiping, pagan, Christian-persecuting Romans were the culture that had finally developed Almighty God’s perfect will for human families in the church?
Absolutely wives submit to husbands. And husbands submit to wives. Those are both scriptural. No one is throwing out Scripture.
You just have a different interpretation of Scripture than I do–and my interpretation is shared by the majority of Greek scholars and seminary professors.
I am not throwing out the Bible. I’m saying that we actually take Jesus at His word in Matthew 7. The way that you identify a false teaching is by its fruit. So we have two possible interpretations of the passages, and we look at the fruit. The fruit of complementarian teaching is rotten.
When you accuse me of throwing out the Bible because I don’t agree with your interpretation, you seem to be putting your interpretation of the Bible on the same level as Scripture. Your interpretation is just your interpretation. You could be wrong. For centuries people used the Bible to defend slavery (the same passages you’re using to defend hierarchy in marriage). What if you’re wrong? What if Jesus actually wants freedom, and what if He wants women seeking after the Holy Spirit, not just seeking after their husbands’ will? What if He wants the couple serving each other and submitting to each other and seeking God together? And what if that’s actually really, really possible, and works really, really well? Can you just, for a minute, imagine what that would look like, when you weren’t worrying about who was in charge, but you were instead serving each other in humility while you sought God together?
Sheila you said above…”Do you know any woman who actually fully submitted to her husband?” I read it a few times to try and make sure I wasn’t reading it wrong. It is as if you are mocking God’s Word. It’s as if you are saying well since we don’t see examples of it perhaps we don’t even need to be fully submitting to our husbands. If this is how you teach the Bible, that we need to see examples of it in Scripture to prove it’s worth, then you are teaching the Bible incorrectly. That would be fruit of false teaching. Now you have corrected yourself in your response noted above, however you are someone who is attempting to teach others the Bible and influence a number of people on your platform, so I would use great caution with your wording so as not to lead astray.
I think what is hard for me to understand (which we have discussed on other posts) is why you don’t want to distinguish between male headship and biblical headship. I think if your argument is in fact strong, then you shouldn’t be afraid to explore the other view that you have now heard works for other marriages. I have never made the claim that egal marriage is bad, but this is what you say of hierarchy within marriage as you hold so tightly to the data. I do believe that hierarchy within marriage is biblical and my own marriage is proof that it works well. I have simply asked you many times to consider that hierarchy within marriage might go poorly as seen in your data because of sinful man messing it up, not because God’s design is flawed. Again, go back to the seat belt example. It’s really eye opening. Sinful people have taken sex and twisted it into awful things, but we go back to God’s design for sex and what He intended for it and that’s how we course correct, not by creating a work around. You have yet to exhibit the humility to even consider exploring this side of the argument. It seems to be a full stop at people are messing up and things are going wrong so it can’t possibly be the right interpretation.
In my marriage I am not seeking my husband’s will. This is where you have it so so wrong. Why do you assume that a wife is incapable of seeking after the Holy Spirit while submitting to her husband and practicing hierarchy? The husband and wife submit to Christ FIRST. They are capable of all those things you just listed…serving each other and seeking God together. Why in your mind does that only exist if there is mutual submission? Are we putting the Holy Spirit in a box? I think you miss it completely when you say “worrying about who is in charge”. Sheila, my aim is to please Christ. As a believer, my ‘worry’ is what God says. It is simply obedience and there is freedom in that. I have experienced that. I have great concern that you show no humility in considering that hierarchy within marriage can work well, and failing to recognize that authority does not equal oppression.
Cam, you asked this: “In my marriage I am not seeking my husband’s will. This is where you have it so so wrong. Why do you assume that a wife is incapable of seeking after the Holy Spirit while submitting to her husband and practicing hierarchy?”
If you are practising hierarchy and saying that you will follow your husband’s decisions, then are de facto considering him as the Holy Spirit in your life.
You either follow God, or you follow a person. If you’re following a person, they’re becoming a mediator in your life between you and God. There is no need for a mediator. There is no need for hierarchy.
What need would you have to follow your husband if you are both following the Holy Spirit? There would be no need. So if you need to follow your husband, it means that you are putting him first.
Also, you still aren’t listening to what the Greek actually is about with regards to the word “head.” I have said this repeatedly–it has no connotation of authority, yet you keep talking about authority.
Cam, I have heard all the arguments you are making here. All of us grew up in these churches. I have argued them backwards and forwards myself. I understand. I simply think you’re wrong. Your translation of Greek is wrong. Your understanding of Jesus is wrong (Jesus wants unity; he wants us seeking Him, not putting a mediator between us and Him; He wants women truly approaching Him). Your understanding of the original context is wrong.
I know that’s harsh, but we’ve been going around and around. You say that I’m not answering the questions when I have written books about this; done countless podcasts about this; written countless posts about this.
If you’re honestly interested, please read Marg Mowczko’s site. Or read Philip Payne’s book The Bible vs. Biblical Womanhood.
I think this conversation has gone on a long time, and I’d like to bow out now. This has all been answered ad infinitum over the last few years. I am so sorry that you don’t know what it’s like to follow the Holy Spirit without feeling like your husband is your authority. I’m sorry you don’t know the freedom that so many have experienced in feeling fully and utterly accepted by God as you are, and fully capable of hearing from God without needing someone else to make decisions for you. I hope that one day you will experience that. And I hope that you won’t teach your children that men should be in authority over women, because even if it is working for you, it’s unlikely to work for them. And I hope you have mercy on them now before they get into marriages that could end up hurting them.
Sheila, I know all I need to know about you in this response. I have explained to you in other posts how incredibly blessed my marriage is, and the specifics of how my marriage functions. For you to say I don’t know how to follow the Holy Spirit, experience freedom and acceptance from God, or hear from God is not only false and close minded but vengeful. You have no idea what my faith life is like and the only things you know about my marriage are what I have explained in other posts. What kind of believer says such things to a fellow believer? This is what gives Christianity a bad name. You can’t have a conversation with someone who challenges you on your belief and show humility that other people might actually do it well? And this whole time you are asking me what if I am wrong. You are held to a higher standard. You are claiming to teach women the Bible. What if you are wrong? I don’t think it’s that you “can’t stand Christian pat answers”, I think it’s that parts of Scripture just make you uncomfortable and you are unwilling to sit in that discomfort.
So a handful of verses that describe legal requirements for marriages in the first-century Roman Empire completely override the scores of verses that describe how CHRISTIANS should treat other CHRISTIANS, verses like the golden rule, don’t lord it over one another, consider others as better than yourselves, it’s better to give than to receive, love your neighbor as yourself, fruit of the Spirit, sins to avoid (like not controlling one’s own body sexually), and on and on and ON are ALL completely put at naught because the two Christians happen to be husband and wife?
Strange, because I don’t remember ANY caveats on ANY of those verses that say they apply “except in the closest relationship that two people on earth will ever have.” 🤔
Cam said, “I have never made the claim that egal marriage is bad, ” Not directly but implied it heavily because you claim it is not the biblical model. It’s similar to the slippery, underhanded way that Shaunti Feldhan words things. Cam comes across to me as haughty, self-righteous, and pharisaical. Trying so hard to trip Sheila and others up so she can feel superior. Sheila didn’t say that Cam doesn’t know how to follow the Spirit- she mentioned specifically “without feeling like your husband is your authority.” But one little slip on her husband’s part and she suddenly is not following the Spirit.
I have a growing desire to learn about Jesus because of all Sheila and others at Bare Marriage have shared. I used to get slogged down in trying to be “biblical” and follow scripture as it is worded in the English. Since I’ve started to learn about the actual Greek and Hebrew, etc., I see that there is much that has sadly been distorted in God’s Word. Now I see how I can actually use the things Jesus taught and modeled and find His heart in the things of the bible. I can see how the pharisees got it so wrong trying to follow the rules so hard that they lost sight of the heart behind them.
I see that heart behind Sheila’s posts. Thank you, Sheila, for teaching me about God’s love for me through the behavior and teachings of His Son, Jesus. I hope this encourages you.
Sheila it sounds like you have never been married to a man who has the best interest of you or your family in mind. I’m sorry you haven’t experienced that. But now I can understand why that concept would be so difficult to understand. I’m glad people are bold enough to show you that there are great marriages that exist outside of your limited view. It’s sad to see you feel the need to tear apart a person’s marriage and the future of their children on your platform. So much for unity and being against oppressive authority. I see the rotten fruit clear as day.
I’m curious–have you watched any of the podcasts I do with my husband? Or read his series? I’m married to a wonderful man who is even more passionate about this than I am!
Thank you Cam and Elle for speaking up! Very insightful.
“I do believe that hierarchy in marriage is biblical and my own marriage is proof that this works well.”
Let’s see…
My parents abused me and I turned out “just fine.” My life is proof that this works well.
I was bullied in school and I developed compassion. Proof that it works well.
My 6th grade teacher spent 30 minutes one afternoon yelling at me about forgetting a quarter for something she wanted to do for the class. I never forgot anything again after that. Proof that what she did works well.
Many of us let our babies “cry it out” and they learned to “put themselves to sleep.” (In reality a sign that they lost hope of bringing anyone to them when they were lonely.) But anyway… proof that it worked well.
Do you honestly have no idea that placing a human being in “authority” over the one who is supposed to be most beloved can lead to the most awful warped twisting of what the relationship is supposed to be?
No. No, I guess you don’t. Which is why you don’t have the means to minister to us that we come to this page to find. We come here for validation and a breath of fresh air when the pharisaism smothers us. Thank God for Keith and Shiela!
Oh Cam. If you don’t think egalitarian marriage is bad or wrong, what is even your point? Go have your happy complementarian marriage. No one is stopping you.
Egalitarians don’t make Christians look bad. You haven’t listened to a single non-Christian person if you think that. Non-Christians don’t care at all about how we interpret the Bible. They see how we treat others and, when they look at American Evangelicals, it’s a disgusting sight to behold.
I know for a fact that I don’t adhere to the gender expectations for men culturally today. I’ve never been a huge hunter or been particularly handy (although my fiance would say the way I used to build LEGO would say otherwise lol), nor have I ever been particularly stoic like Christian men are “supposed to be”. I even like to bake and cook more than my fiance!
But then I look at the things that men were commended for in the Bible, and I see emotion, tenderness, artistry, but most importantly, obedience, love, and patience. Your blog helped me go a long way to noticing that I am just as much a man as any other, and that my gender doesn’t have to adhere to these fundamentalist principles. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. (Also I have no idea why my profile pic on here is of me in high school but idk how to change it now)
Did you have a wordpress account or similar which possibly linked an avatar to your email? When they made the changeover to Bare Marriage, some of those linked up.