3 Ways Your Spouse Should Pass the Roommate Test

by | Mar 13, 2024 | Connecting | 55 comments

Treat spouse as roommate

We love to say that spouses aren’t just roommates

And they’re definitely not! Roommates share a living space, and little else. Spouses are supposed to share everything.

But at the same time, there are some basic things that go into the roommate experience that may actually be beneficial to bring into marriage! We talked about this in a podcast a while ago, and I thought I’d revisit the idea today.

1. Roommates Contribute To The Household Equally

A major issue commonly plaguing couples that has been exposed repeatedly in the research–including our own!–is uneven labour within the home. Wives are often burdened with the multiple responsibilities of housecleaner, cook, and mother. And that’s even among families where both spouses work outside the home!

In marriage, this is just seen as a given. It’s a consistent joke among sitcoms and comedy sets. Culturally, it’s just assumed that she’s going to clean because “she’s just better at it,” or because women are just “naturally” homemakers in a way men aren’t. 

But if we judge that marriage through a roommate lens, this is completely unacceptable.

Roommates do not divvy up household responsibilities based on gender. They may divide the work based on strengths (perhaps one person is naturally more tidy and has a specific way they like the floor vacuumed), interests (maybe one likes to do dishes, while the other enjoys making the grocery list and shopping), or maybe using a chore wheel. 

In this scenario, roommate wins out. It’s way more fair! It also leaves a lot more room for discussion about how goals will be met between both people. Which brings us to point number two. 

2. Good Roommates Don’t Make Assumptions – They Talk

If you’ve ever had a roommate, you know that right at the beginning of the roommate relationship there’s a conversation that lays out expectations of contributing to the household. Usually this happens before they officially become a roommate. All roommates are expected to carry their weight, and if they don’t, it’s reasonable to assume that the relationship cannot continue. And that conversation is ongoing–when things change, you are expected to have a conversation about how to shift things moving forward. You don’t just drop the ball and figure someone will pick it up–or you’re getting booted out of the lease.

Likewise, communication is a reasonable expectation of a healthy marriage. Healthy and supportive spouses check in with each other about needs and goals and how they can share the load to meet those goals.

 When the goal is a successfully run household, that’s going to require a good amount of communication so that both spouses remain on the same page about how that will look, and what each of them need to do to reach that goal. It also requires an ongoing discussion so that, if labour needs to be divided in a new way, there’s no misunderstanding or surprise. 

3. Roommates Respect Shared Living Space

In any roommate scenario, there is common living space that needs to be respected. This means that neither roommate will leave their dirty laundry laying around in shared spaces, so that this space can be enjoyable and relaxing for everyone in the home.

In a relationship between spouses, Often, the house is assumed to be the wife’s domain. It’s her responsibility to keep it clean and tidy for the family. The husband is not expected to make a clean home his responsibility too.

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But a good roommate does their chores, and a good roommate tidies up their own stuff! If they don’t, they’re the one that everyone votes to kick out the next year. A good roommate doesn’t make more work for others, and doesn’t leave their stuff everywhere.

The reason we say, “we’re more than roommates” is because being a roommate is seen as a lower standard than being a spouse.

But if, as a spouse, you’re not even living up to the standard of roommate–then that’s a problem! 

If you want to be more than roommates, you’ve gotta be at least as good as a roommate. 

If you’re a roommate who is making someone’s life harder, you get kicked out. That’s not a good roommate!

Be a good roommate, friends.  

It’s supposed to be a low bar, one that most of us mastered at age 18, so there’s no reason we all can’t do that now!

Written by

Sheila Wray Gregoire


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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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  1. Martha

    What about money aspect.? Aren’t roommates supposed to share the bills and contribute equally in a financial way.?
    Just wondering.. 🤔

    • Laura

      I’d say that’s a way most couples aren’t like roommates. The venn diagram only overlaps so far.

    • Jo R

      Not necessarily.

      Rent may be divided based on factors like relative square footage of the bedrooms, whether a bedroom has an en suite, etc. In some cases, one person may do more of the cooking or common area cleaning for a discount on rent.

      For utilities, imagine a flight attendant who’s only home for ten nights per month. I doubt the electric or water bill would be split equally, since one roommate isn’t there two-thirds of the time.

  2. Lindsey

    People, you aren’t supposed to view your marriage through a roommate lens. You should view everything through what the Bible says, but this is not information you receive here on this blog. It’s a Christian ‘in name only’ blog. If it was a Christian blog, it might touch on things like the Bible and serving others.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Can you please instead tell me what is wrong with what we said? I never said that your marriage is ONLY a roommate lens. I said it should AT LEAST be one.

      Again, biblically, what is wrong with what I said about treating your spouse well?

      • Jane King

        And a good roommate doesn’t take your stuff without asking permission.

        • Lisa Johns

          Or make you walk on eggshells so you don’t offend them, or sexually coerce you, or assault you, or tear you down to the point where you don’t even recognize who you are any more. Give me a decent roommate who likes and respects me over a husband who does those things, any day.

    • Jo R

      Here’s a Bible verse for you to ponder:

      Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

      Is there an exception in your Bible that says “unless you’re a husband, then you can treat your wife however you want”?

      Way to completely miss the point t of the post, Lindsey. Sheila is definitely not saying spouses should treat each other ONLY as roommates. But the “roommate standard” is a good baseline (NOT ceiling) for day-to-day shared living: keep up your end, say please and thank you, take care of your own possessions and messes.

      You know, that basic stuff most children learn, or at least used to learn, in kindergarten.

      Good grief. The bar for men really IS so low it’s a tavern in Hades (see the Facebook group).

      • lisa johns

        Lower than snake spit…

    • Lisa Johns

      Lindsey, if you hate the platform so much, why are you still here?

    • Jo R

      Actually, for a not insignificant number of women, having a husband who acted like a roommate would be a HUUUUUGE improvement.

      Waaaaayyyyyy too many “Christian” men think that at the wedding, they hired a live-in cook / maid / bookkeeper/ breeder who has to give the boss orgasms on demand. 🙄

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Just a note: Lindsey is being deceptive in her comment. Over the last few days, this person has commented under FOUR different names, even though it is the same IP address. She is trying to make it look like the disagreement with my blog is bigger than it actually is. She has been banned.

      • Spock-ish

        Ironically, the IP address of this fake commentor is from Olive Branch, Mississippi (according to ipinfo.io) but not too good at extending an olive branch!

  3. Kya

    One that I would add is that a roommate is expected to be considerate and polite. You say please and thank you to each other. If your roommate picks up some of your chores because it’s finals week and you’re really stressed, you make sure to thank them for going out of their way and maybe make their favorite dessert when it’s over. If you’re a night owl but your roommate works the opening shift at a coffee shop, then you make sure that your after-bedtime hobbies are quiet so they can rest. (And your roomie gets dressed quietly in the morning so you can sleep longer.) An inconsiderate or disrespectful roommate will find themself paying rent on their own in short order.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Great addition! Yes.

  4. Lisa Johns

    Yeah, some of us ended up with a strict roommate situation… with a really lousy roommate! Which made it the worst of both worlds, lol! Yes, even well-met roommate criteria woould have improved the situation. :/

  5. Rhonda

    Could you please explain how you use the Bible to influence your teaching, if at all?

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Easy. We act like Jesus. We follow after Him while serving one another. Everything we say here is in line with Scripture. You can just read our books, listen to our podcasts, there’s lots of Scripture. Our whole platform is built on what Jesus said about good and bad fruit, and I have said this so often.

      • Rhonda

        It seems like there are a decent amount of unloving comments from a variety of people (seems people of both sides of things) which isn’t acting like Jesus. That was the first thing I noticed about this space was how divisive it was. I get that you can’t control other comments, but again, I’ve seen this on both sides if I’m being honest.

        Have you ever considered using scripture more? I always feel like assuming no one knows scripture is a great place to start and motivates you to use/cite scripture more for teaching, it helps you learn it and it helps point others to it. It’s easy to tag Jesus’ name on things but as an example this week had two blog posts, I believe neither of which talks about scripture or mentions Jesus, so how would those posts be pointing to Jesus specifically? There seems to be a lot of grumbling (in general) and about servanthood which would be a great place to input biblical teaching but it is lacking and seems more of a complaining zone. (Just saying as a suggestion, this is an opportunity to teach God’s Word and you can talk about good fruit/bad fruit in this situation as well)

        Maybe another question is do you personally believe the Bible gives everything we need? If not, could you share why you believe that? A lot of Christians hold a Biblical worldview, meaning they view life through the lens of scripture. It sounds and appears like perhaps you view some things through the lens of scripture but not others so how do you decide what to view through scripture and what to view through a nonbiblical lens?

        Thanks for answering! I’m trying to understand what your foundation is for your teaching, as it at least does not come across as obvious to me after reading through the blog, so always want to try to understand people better.

        • Wild Honey

          In response to your first paragraph…

          Just because a statement is “unflattering” does not mean it is “unloving.” If my spending were out of control, it is not “loving” to ignore the problem, ESPECIALLY when it starts to affect my relationships with my husband, children, etc. What is “loving” is to say, “Honey, I’ve noticed you are always asking for money for milk for the baby at the end of the month, but you have a venti Starbucks latte every single day. It seems like this is causing stress between you and your husband. This looks like a problem, and I’d like to support you in learning to manage it, if I may.”

          Jesus said many unflattering things to people who needed to hear it. For example, Matthew 23, where he calls out hypocrisy of very specific groups of respected religious people.

          Or check out Matthew 10, where Jesus says he has come to literally set people against each other. Jesus, too, could be divisive when the situation called for it.

          • Lisa Johns

            Thank you for supporting that with scripture. 😉

        • Jo R

          Why are there zero recipes in the Bible even though it tells us to feed the hungry? Why no instructions for how to sew or knit when it tells us to clothe the naked? It doesn’t tell us to wear warm clothes when it’s cold outside. It doesn’t tell us to eat healthy foods. It doesn’t teach us calculus so we can construct safe bridges and buildings. It doesn’t teach aerodynamics so we can design airplanes. It doesn’t have music theory so that we can sing praises to God on key.

          The Bible has all the answers in one very particular way of looking at things, but it doesn’t begin to teach common knowledge of the ordinary variety.

          The three roommate rules Sheila listed are a PRACTICAL outworking of verses like the golden rule, love your neighbor as yourself, consider others’ needs in addition to your own, and many others related to how Christians should be living.

          Sheila can’t cover every detail of every topic under the sun in every blog post. Expecting her to give fifty pages of background and foundational material every single post is absolutely impractical. If you go through older posts, you’ll quickly see she quotes Scripture a lot. It shouldn’t be hard to discern Christlike principles even if she doesn’t give a verse reference every other word.

          Please also remember that Sheila’s focus is addressing what Christians, and especially evangelicals, have gotten wildly wrong, i.e., absolutely NOT Christlike in the least, about marriage and sex. That focus means her blog posts and the reader comments do, in a very real sense, often act as a gigantic, online group therapy session. Women have been absolutely trampled “in the name of Christ,” and now that we are beginning to understand what we’ve been falsely told “the Bible says” and find out we have been gaslighted out the wazoo about keeping that smiling face no matter what, yeah, it’s gonna sound like grumbling. Learning you’ve been spiritually abused tends to make people cranky. Or are we supposed to not name the very real pain so many of us have endured? Pretend like it never happened? Just paper over how we’ve been, at the very least, taken advantage of and in some cases outright abused by the husbands who are supposed to act like Christ Himself but too often think they’re the second coming of Xerxes?

          Sorry, if you want compliance to the status quo, you won’t find it here, but there are plenty of places on the web where you will find that sort of bilge.

        • Jane King

          Rhonda, where does the Bible say that the Bible gives us everything we need? As far as I know, it doesn’t. So why are you holding Sheila to a standard that the Bible doesn’t hold its self to?

          • Rhonda

            Hi everyone, so some of these responses (although at times difficult to tell over text) even seem unloving or maybe even snarky (but that’s my opinion and each can have their own). The question everyone should ask themselves before responding to anyone is what is my heart’s intention behind this? Individuals have to answer this for themselves. And there have been some blatantly obvious attacks on people’s faith and marriages on here just over looking different…not this week per se, but on other posts. That is not a time where it is acceptable to be divisive. If one person has a thriving marriage and it is called something different from someone else’s thriving marriage, tearing down one because it goes by a different name is not loving or unifying or Christlike at all. Those are the specifics of what I have seen in this space.

            I am asking Sheila questions that are important to me and I encourage everyone to ask questions to others (especially those in teaching position) Doesn’t Sheila hold others accountable? Yes, and I doubt she minds the questions. It’s important to understand where people are coming from and what they believe. Is this not something important to you?

            Jane, we know that Jesus is the Word and here are some verses I’d encourage you to read (Matthew 4:4, Psalm 119:105, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, John 17:17, Psalm 18:30). Also, Jo R, here are verses that address grumbling and complaining and it is clear to see what Scripture says about it (Phil 2:14, John 6:43, 1 Peter 4:9) There is no nuance on this issue.

            As much as I’m sure Sheila appreciates others sticking up for her, I’d really like for her to answer these questions as she is the one teaching here, and they were directed to her. So please Sheila, when you have the time, I look forward to hearing back from you.

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            I’m actually quite happy with what Jo R said!

            I’m also on the road speaking plus I have had several severe health issues with extended family this week and I’ve been on the phone nonstop, and I’m only seeing comments at midnight. I doubt I’ll be replying much tomorrow either! Just a lot on my plate and I’m teaching most of the day at Calvin University.

            I also have not seen people be unloving towards you. Disagreement is not people being unloving.

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Rhonda, I’m going to do this once, just because I don’t want to have to keep answering the question.

            Here’s my response to critics who say we ignore the Bible and aren’t biblical. Here’s a recent post about the gospel. Here’s a post and podcast about how we can use an awful lot of verses, but still be misusing the Bible. Here’s my take on Ephesians 5, and here’s another where a Greek expert delves into the Greek (it’s near the middle of the podcast). Here’s my take on 1 Corinthians 7, and here’s another, and another and another. Here’s my take on Matthew 18. Here’s my take on the modesty passages in 1 Timothy 2. Here’s a take on the stumbling block passages. Here’s my take on what it means for women to follow Jesus. Here’s my take on why women’s relationship with Jesus can actually suffer if they interpret Ephesians 5 to mean that he’s the leader. Here’s 10 ways couples can pray together. Here’s a problem with our theology about how we’re expecting Jesus to save women so women can save men. Here’s what it means to obey like Sarah. Here’s how we’re giving our daughters only half the gospel. Here’s a podcast on the forgotten women of the New Testament. Here’s a podcast on the passages about whether or not God hates divorce.

            I think that’s quite a few to get you started.

            And, honestly, if you had simply read the books, listened to the podcasts, or read the blog, you would have seen this, and so, so much more.

            If I may be so bold, I’ve found that the people who complain I don’t use Scripture don’t actually think I don’t use Scripture (since, as this short list shows, I obviously do). It’s that they disagree with my interpretation of Scripture, so they assume I don’t use Scripture. Let’s just remember that people can interpret Scripture differently, but it doesn’t mean they love the Bible any less or revere it any less.

            UPDATE: I have since discovered that Rhonda is using deception about who she is, and creating multiple accounts to make it look like she’s more than one person. To think that the person lecturing me about not using the Bible is actively lying and deceiving is really rich. Rhonda, God sees what you do in secret. And if you think that God is pleased with you lying, you don’t know the same Jesus I do. Shame on you.

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            ALSO PLEASE NOTE: Several commenters yesterday were ganging up here all saying the same thing–that we were hateful.


            Rhonda, Blair, Lindsey, and Kathy will no longer be allowed to comment because of this. I do not tolerate deception, trying to make it look like the movement against me is larger than it actually is.

            Rhonda, you should honestly be ashamed of yourself.

          • Rhonda

            Sorry, I also forgot one of my favorite ones…Psalm 19:7-11 regarding the Word of God.

          • Anonymous

            “And there have been some blatantly obvious attacks on people’s faith and marriages on here just over looking different…not this week per se, but on other posts.”

            If you are going to tell people they are attacking others, please share specifics so they can address those.

            I will share that Sheila’s heart has been one that has shown me Jesus’ love for me when the church structure I had been in taught me so many harmful lies that were not of Jesus. I almost lost my faith because of the great harm done to me.

            We often find what we are looking for. I came onto this site years ago looking with hope- to see if God was loving, to see if my marriage could be saved. It may be that you are coming here to find fault and that is why you are so easily able to find it. The Pharisees often found fault with Jesus, and were often upset by what He said. But the ones with eyes to see finally did so.

          • Jo R

            So I guess Paul was wrong to oppose Peter to his face when Peter was out of line? Jesus also took public teachers to task publicly, not behind closed doors.

            A small contingent of men and their female enablers have put millions, MILLIONS, of Christian women through an absolute wringer, telling women to do more, give more, submit more, give husbands even more orgasms than they already demand. Where’s the heat directed at husbands? Husbands get a pass, given out by these same male teachers (and Bible translators, which is infinitely worse) by saying husbands in their marriages are identical to Christ. Men hear that and think they’re sinless and omniscient, then proceed to act in a way that the true sinless and omniscient Man did NOT.

            We’ve been sweet for decades and even centuries. Sweet is not getting through. If you can’t stand forthright langauge that doesn’t cut bad teaching any slack, then save yourself some heartburn.

            We’re done with that stuff. We’ve all lived it and breathed it long enough, and now we simply cannot and WILL NOT unsee all the damage that’s been done, the lives ruined and wasted.

            No more.

            Galatians 3:28. Matthew 20:25-27, unless those verses apply only to how men treat other men? Do unto others applies only to how men treat other men? Philippians 2:3 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.” Unless the “other” is merely a wife and it’s her needs instead of his that are under consideration?

            Why do all the Christian living verses get thrown out the window when it comes to how a husband treats his wife? That’s what we’re railing against, an attitude that seems much more aligned with the guy who in Luke 4 came to release the captives and free the oppressed, even if the captives and oppressed are just women and wives sitting in the pews and sharing beds with “leaders” who are anything but servants.


          • Rhonda

            Anonymous, I have provided the example as listed above. It is common for people to ask for proof of things, when their minds are actually already made up and shut to the idea altogether and I imagine this is the case. I am not stopping anyone from reading back through blog posts though. Also, I strongly recommend to ALL that you do not follow people blindly, and ask questions about their beliefs. 2 Timothy 4:3-4 should give us all a little healthy fear of being sure what people teach lines up with the Word.

            Even more reason to question what people are teaching and what they believe, because you have experienced the lies of others. What a gift that we have the Word of God to tell us who He is and what He is about so that we don’t have to look to mortals or blogs for our hope, or to make us feel loved.

            Jo R, I’ve already addressed all of that in my last comment.

          • Jo R

            What one person considers grumbling and complaining is validation and sane-making to others. Sharp words cut with precision through the rotten fruit that passes for so much “Christianity” these days.

            And by the way, when you hear men complain or grumble about not getting enough sex, do you quote those same verses at them, or do you tell the wives to have more sex?

          • Rhonda

            Jo R, I have never been asked that question but truthfully I don’t hear men grumble about that. God’s standard and His Word stays the same though and never change so what you read in those verses is for everyone. That would include women, men, children…all. I can’t put that any simpler. It is His Word, not mine. I just strive to obey Him because I know that’s what’s best for me.

            Is this the part of the conversation where things are supposed to seem loving and beneficial for building up?

            Also, to add to the encouragement of asking questions of teachers. I’d say that listening to a teaching and just keeping your mouth shut about it can obviously lead to great destruction, some of which people can attest to here so again, asking questions and seeking is actually a good thing.

          • Anonymous

            Lol, no Rhonda, you’re simply throwing around accusations without giving examples. You’re trying to lead people to view things through your lens of judgment and condemnation which, if you will look through the scriptures yourself, I’m sure you can find a verse or two about how we are not to judge others. I’m not stopping you from reading back through the Bible. 😉
            Because I have been through what I have, I do examine and question things better. I do so with a much more open mind than it seems you are doing. And I learned- and the majority of the bad teachings came from people who skirted around things the way you appear to be doing, with misdirection, etc.
            You want Sheila and others to prove ourselves. You demand answers yet answer evasively. As you said, “It is common for people to ask for proof of things, when their minds are actually already made up and shut to the idea altogether.” (I’d love to know which scripture you got that from btw.) I agree. You seem to be a prime example of such a one in your need for Sheila to prove herself. I didn’t ask for proof, I merely asked for the examples you were referencing. You clearly have ones in mind but refuse to share them.

            I am praying now that you will see truth one day and can love others with the same love that Jesus has for all of us. He’s a pretty awesome example by which to live. Take care.

          • Jo R

            Wow, you’ve never heard any husband complain about not getting enough sex?

            Do you know only unmarried men????? 🤣

          • Rhonda

            Anonymous, I’m glad you have not only figured out yourself, but everyone else. And if you go back and read this comment section (unless you want to skirt around that) you’ll see I’m not asking for proof. By the way, asking for specific examples is in fact asking for proof. I’m simply asking questions. I’m sorry your eyes are not open to the benefit of everyone asking questions and digging deeper, and that you only see that benefit as a reserved privilege for yourself, and not others. Thank you for praying for me too. Consider praying that same prayer over yourself regarding loving others 😉 Thank you for further affirming the atmosphere here in this space. Asking questions is unwelcome, perhaps ungodly …noted.

  6. Wild Honey

    My husband was a terrible roommate in college in terms of tidiness and cleanliness. (Turns out, undiagnosed and unmanaged ADD was a major contributing factor, but that’s a story for another day.)

    When we got engaged, his mother and older sister both communicated something along the lines of, “We did our best to train him, now it’s your job.”

    Such an incredibly unhelpful attitude. Infantilized him and put me in the role of “mommy-wife” instead of “partner-to-a-fellow-adult-whom-I-can-trust-to-follow-through-on-his-promises” right off the bat. Still untangling the effects of that.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’m so sorry!

      • Jane King

        Rhonda, you seem to be saying, “come here and explain yourself right now, young lady,” to Sheila. She doesn’t owe you an explanation, her body of work is her explanation. And you can read a great deal of her body work on this blog for free.

        And I’m sorry to harp on this, but, the Bible is incredibly important but, does not give us everything we need as Christians. We also need a personal relationship with God through prayer and worship. As well as fellowship with other Christians. And don’t forget the Holy Spirit in all of this.

  7. Boone

    I just hope that neither roommate comes home to find a necktie or a sock on the front door knob.

  8. Shoshana

    Rhonda, you’re offended because you identify as complementarian and you don’t like it when people may label your “thriving marriage” as egalitarian in practice because it makes you uncomfortable or you’re in denial that your marriage isn’t thriving as well as you think it is so you trying to look for flaws in Sheila’s teaching to make you feel better. It’s not hard to read between the lines in your posts to see what’s really behind this. The question is, can you be honest with what’s really in your heart? Oh, I’m sure you’ll tell me I’m wrong ad nauseum, but I would bet the farm I am right because I had those same doubts long ago. Many women on here have. I and others on here are honest enough to see really thriving comp marriages for what they really are-egalitarian. That said, if you really want to know the foundations of Sheila’s teachings, you can tell that just by browsing in a half hout without expecting Sheila to write an entire teaching manual just for you. Am I being snarky or unkind to you? Maybe, but you need to be challenged to see what’s in your heart first. I hope you can see this because the rotten fruit of comp teachings is causing a lot of trauma for a lot of people especially women. Learn not to eat the rotten fruit, make others get sick with you.

  9. Wild Honey

    In reference to an above comment about never having heard about husbands complaining about not having enough sex…

    It’s not surprising that, especially in a complementarian church, an individual woman would not have a specific man complain to her that his wife wasn’t giving him enough sex. That would be considered wildly inappropriate for a man to bring up sex with a woman he isn’t married to in a one-on-one conversation. In the workplace, it’s probably considered sexual harassment.

    What IS normal is for male teachers to do so in the context of marriage advice in a sermon, book, class setting, etc. Just off the top of my head, Sheila’s quoted before from Kevin Leman and Emerson Eggerichs that it is common for men to not be getting enough sex from their wives.

    My husband and I once belonged to a church small group where wives met one week and husbands met the other. He confided in me, more than once, that he was uncomfortable with how much the husbands complained about their wives’ lack of interest in sex. (For context, all of the couples except the leaders had very young children. It was also a complementarian church. And the handful of times we had family events together, at least half the fathers were very uninvolved with their kids.)

    Wives in the group, on the other hand, NEVER had a negative thing to say about their husbands. It wasn’t until after I’d left the group (and the church) that one woman confided that her husband had an affair (when she was recovering from a miscarriage, no less) and had “anger problems” bad enough that her parents didn’t like how he treated her.

    So, yeah, just because a marriage seems to be happy on the surface doesn’t mean that the wives aren’t dying inside.

  10. Jo R

    Rhonda said,

    “There seems to be a lot of grumbling (in general) and about servanthood”

    Speaking up about spiritual abuse is not grumbling.

    Suggesting that husbands should live in an understanding way when their wives are puking from periods or pregnancy, or are recuperating from child delivery whether vaginally or surgically, is not grumbling.

    Suggesting that husbands are not quite exhibiting “servanthood” by demanding orgasms regardless of life circumstances is not grumbling.

    Pointing out that servanthood is not identical to women’s utter servility as demanded by a vocal swath of “Christianity” is not grumbling.

    These issues and more just like them are what this site addresses every day. If women are waking up to how they’ve been taken advantage of, often with veiled or not-so-veiled threats that the women are “sinning” or “rebellious” or maybe not even Christians at all, then statements that refer to these facts in plain language are going to sound quite jarring to people who are accustomed to women always speaking politely and deferentially and, especially, indirectly. Too much of the current church does not want women talking at all, and certainly not on topics that confront the unchristlike theology that’s been circulating for way too long.

    Speaking so freely and openly and with very direct language is going to be very upsetting to a lot of people.

    Some people are going to call it grumbling and complaining, and they’ll trot out verses against such speech. But talking about injustice is … talking about injustice. If those ignorant of, indifferent to, or actually imposing those injustices are uncomfortable with a little plain talking, that says a lot more about the ones listening than the ones talking.

  11. Jo R

    Sheila thanks for checking up on the, well, I’ll just say the word, liar who assumed four different names. (Full disclosure: my own screen name here is my middle name and maiden initial, for a bit of privacy, but the email address I use is based on my personal website, so Sheila can check me out if she likes.)

    If their arguments are so strong, why the need to hide? 🤔

    Also, may I suggest you take your comment dated March 14, 2024 at 8:16 am and make that a resource page or standalone post or some other handy place where you can just paste a link when this question comes up again in the future?


    I pray your family member is improving and for strength for all of you as you support the patient and one another. I pray also that your talks go well. Lord knows, literally, we need them. ❤️

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Thanks, Jo R. The family member is now out of the hospital, which is a huge relief. And I will make that a resource page! That’s a good idea.

      • Jo R


        And just got your two emails to your mailing list detailing the issues that one person person was using four different names. Vile.

        Yo-saff-brig, for those who know! 😉

        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Turns out it wasn’t four. It’s more like 8. I found some going back months. All saying very similar things. This is just so deceptive and wrong.

          • Jo R

            😱 😱 😱

            Well, lying is acceptable if it gets you what you want!

            Oh wait… That pesky commandment…

            Vile. Absolutely vile.

          • Nessie

            Thanks for the detective work, especially at such a stressful time. It definitely felt like the same old story, same method, same arguments. The focus on divisiveness, lol, when s/he was likely the root of much of it…

            I much prefer your way of living like Christ than that person’s methods of, well, sinning while telling everyone else how sinful they are. Sounds like s/he could use some prayer for his/her mental health. And saying a prayer for your family/staff that have been ill.

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Thank you, Nessie. We did get good news yesterday so we’re very much relieved!

          • Lisa Johns

            Make a post with all the names. Likely she’ll come up with a few more, but we will probably be able to detect her by the basic content from here on out. 😉

          • Taylor

            Yea, this person has a noticeable verbal style. Rhonda sounded pretty much just like Lindsey.

            I really don’t understand why this person is doing this. Because they’re purportedly coming from a theological background that purportedly values truth. Claiming to be 8 different people while pushing “truth” is almost like attacking people for not being vegan-enough while actually being on an all-meat diet. I just don’t understand this mindset.

  12. Shoshana

    I also wonder if Rhonda, lydsay, Blair, etc., is male. Not the first time I ran across men masquerading as female on these blogs. They want men to be men unless they want to hide out on line to let us women know the errors of our ways. Wouldn’t doubt if Rhonda was Ronald or something.

    • Lisa Johns

      Yeah, the multi-name woman really does seem to be pretty good at mansplaining.

    • Taylor

      I wondered the same thing.


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