What quality of sex do evangelical couples tend to have?
This was one of the questions that we set out to answer when we launched our ground-breaking survey to 20,000 married evangelical women and our followup survey with 3000 evangelical men.
We used the data from these surveys to create helpful resources like The Good Guy’s Guide To Great Sex, a revamped The Good Girl’s Guide To Great Sex, The Great Sex Rescue, and courses like The Orgasm Course & Boost Your Libido.
What we discovered is that there was a lot of room for improvement all around, which led to us creating a report card to better address the areas where evangelical leaders can and should do better as they attempt to teach on God’s will around sexuality.
So How Do Evangelicals Rate?
The good news is that we found some areas where evangelical married couples appear to be thriving in their sex lives! This is encouraging to know!
The less good news is that there are some areas where there is still a lot of work to be done. But where there is desire to show up better for our spouses and foster the intimacy and closeness necessary for great sex, there is hope!
The Orgasm Gap
Our grade: D-
Our research has shown that there is a 47 point orgasm gap in evangelical marriages.
And it should not be that way!
Orgasm Rates By Gender
- 95.1% of men and 48% of women reach orgasm all or almost all of the time.
- 2.4% of men and 18.7% of women reach orgasm slightly more than half the time
- 1.1% of men and 9.6% of women reach orgasm half the time
- 1.2% of men and 11.0% of women reach orgasm less than half the time
- 0.2% of men and 12.0% of women reach orgasm almost never or never
What this tells us is that evangelicals need to put in more time to understand women’s sexuality and how things like trauma, messaging from the church, and stress can impact her ability to orgasm during sex.
Pain During Sex
Our grade: F
Sexual pain is a common issue for many evangelical women. I like to tell people that, of couples under the age of 45, vaginismus is far more common than erectile dysfunction And yet we’ve all heard the word “erectile dysfunction.” Few of us know the word “vaginsimus.”
Our study was actually the first to measure vaginismus among evangelicals in a large-scale evangelical sample, and our work has been used as continuing education credits for pelvic floor physiotherapists (and we have a peer reviewed paper coming!). This is an area where we’ve been groundbreaking–because far too much advice about sex for evangelicals has told women how crucial it is for them to have sex at least every 72 hours, without ever mentioning that sexual pain disorders exist.
Women Who Experience Sexual Pain:
- 32.3% of women have experienced sexual pain, 7% of which say sex was so painful that penetration was impossible
- 26% of women experiencing sexual pain are postpartum
- 22% of women experience primary sexual pain (usually vaginismus, but could also be lichen sclerosus, endometriosis, and other conditions)
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Closeness During Sex
Our grade: A
It’s not all bad news! One area where married evangelical couples really seemed to thrive was in feeling close during the act of sex.
- 80.5% of men and 81.1% of women report feeling close during sex.
The still pretty good news:
- Most men know their wives feel close during sex, but they do overestimate a little bit, with 86.7% of men say their wives feel close during sex.
Problematic Messaging Harms Marriages
Obligation Sex
In Love & Respect, Emerson Eggerichs tells women that if a husband doesn’t ejaculate frequently, he will come under satanic attack. And he tells women that they do not understand how much a man needs sex.
Evangelical messaging tells women that their bodies are not their own; they belong to their husbands and are to be perpetually available to meet their sexual needs to protect their soul from sin. But what does this teaching actually achieve in evangelical unions?
When men believe the obligation sex message:
- They are 120% more likely to not reliably orgasm during sex
- They are 115% more likely not to make their wife’s sexual pleasure a priority during sex
- They are 31% more likely to report that their wife does not reliably orgasm during sex
When women believe the obligation sex message:
- They are 37% more likely to experience primary sexual pain
- They are 29% more likely not to reliably orgasm during sex
Do all men really struggle with lust?
This is the claim that purity culture makes, and it’s this claim that is used to justify making women little more than sexual tools for their husbands, meant to keep them on the path of righteousness. But what impact does this have on a married couple’s sex life?
When men believe that lust is inevitable for men
- They are 67% more likely not to be satisfied with their wife’s amount of enthusiasm during sex
- They are 36% more likely not to believe their wife makes his sexual pleasure a priority during sex
- They are 41% more likely not to feel their wife can communicate her sexual desires and preferences with them
When women believe that lust is inevitable for men
- They are 79% more likely to engage in sex with their husbands only because they feel they have to
- They are 52% more likely to agree that“when it comes to sex, I could take it or leave it”
- They are 59% more likely not to be frequently aroused during sexual activity
It is perfectly reasonable, and utterly biblical, to expect that your husband will not lust after other women–or at least will actively fight a battle with this temptation so that he will eventually win over it.
God wants men not to lust. God equips men not to lust. The Holy Spirit changes us so that we are no longer slaves to lust. Men don’t just have to avoid looking at women or avoid women altogether (as some book series recommend); hearts can honestly be changed so that they can view women as complete human beings without thoughts straying. And we need to get beyond obligation sex if we’re going to have people enjoying thriving sex lives in marriage.
Our report card will help to illustrate that it is harmful to marriage to teach that men are slaves to their lust, and that women are responsible for keeping their husbands from straying.
And the best news is that, since we follow the Great Breaker of Chains, there is hope to change course and start teaching a healthier message about marriage and sex for both men and women!
In our report card, we report on more of our findings about what’s working and what’s not in evangelical marriages. We also aim to do these three things:
- Present a big picture report card on how couples are doing in the bedroom— the areas where sex is thriving, and where there’s room for improvement.
- Caution about harmful teachings around sex in the evangelical culture and how they’re affecting both men and women
- Answer the question, “Is lust REALLY every man’s battle?” by looking in-depth into our stats about lust and porn use—even bonus content that’s not in our books!
Plus we have stats on things that aren’t even in this post, like porn use and how people have found freedom.
Are you intrigued yet?
Want to learn more about how evangelicals scored on our report card? Fill out your email and this beautiful 14-page report card will arrive in your inbox right away! You can pass it around and use it as a conversation starter–with your spouse; small group leader; pastor; counselor; or friends! (Here’s just the cover page!)
Free Evangelical Sex Report Card
Find out how evangelicals score when it comes to scoring
Subscribe today to get the free printout to share with your friends, family, and pastors
Tell me: What surprised you in the report card? What did you think of the porn stats? Did we do better or worse than you thought? Let me know in the comments!
Wait a minute, a MAN who believes the obligation sex message is 120% less likely to orgasm reliably? Did I understand that correctly?
No. It says 120% more likely NOT to orgasm. Not the same thing, but close.
“They are 120% more likely to not reliably orgasm during sex”
Should “they” be “their wives”? Or does the stat really mean men have a harder time orgasming themselves when they believe the obligation sex message?
—
Four out of five women say they “feel close” during sex. Is that number so high because they’ve been taught that that’s all they can expect to get from sex?
As an analogy, suppose a new restaurant opens, and all your friends absolutely rave about how good the food is. You’ve not yet gone with them because of schedule conflicts. When you finally do go with them, then if your meal is only average, are you going to put on a big smile and say it’s great so that you don’t hurt your friends’ feelings and dampen the mood, or are you going to tell the truth that your food was just meh? 🤔
That’s just a meal out with friends. When a woman is having sex with her husband, it’s a near 100 percent chance he’s going to enjoy it quite a bit, or at the very least have his own orgasm. What wife—who, in the church at least, has been trained from birth to defer to her husband, to support him, to please him in all areas of life, to consider his feelings, to efface herself on his behalf, to praise him into greatness, to avoid criticizing him lest she be construed as in some vague way attempting to teach or correct him—is going to burst his bubble that her experience was, at best, meh? Some wives may be honest, but isn’t it more likely that the vast majority, say, 80 percent or more, will gloss over their true reaction and put on the best spin they can muster up?
The part that stood out to me was the “A” for closeness when only ~80% feel that way… 80% isn’t so bad, but still seems to be a fair bit of room for improvement, so maybe B or B-. But maybe I’m being picky because sex hasn’t made me feel close, just used and further from my husband than without it.
Same.
I like the concept; I would like to know what we should expect.
Obviously, orgasm 100% of the time isn’t realistic; that doesn’t even happen for men. But if it’s, say, 80% of the time for women, is it almost all women having orgasms 4 out of 5 times, or some women having orgasms almost all the time and other women never achieving climax?
If a woman struggles to achieve climax but her husband gets her there 75% of the time, she might love their sex life. That’s a great outcome for her. But if it’s easy for her to climax and her husband still only gets her there 75% of the time (via absolutely no effort), that’s bad.
So maybe measure how happy women are with the situation. Problem is, we run into the “rise coloured glasses” problem of evangelical women (and men) thinking orgasm-less sex is fine.
So maybe we break it into four groups: men and women, each who think that female climax is crucial or an afterthought. The “afterthought” percentage could be its own section on a report card; it’s never okay to think married women don’t need orgasms. Then we break down satisfaction amongst the groups who think women deserve orgasms.
Maybe we also look at how they handle unsatisfying sex: gaslighting, ignoring, pressuring, or figuring things out.
Okay, that’s my fantasy world in which you all have unlimited time and an unlimited research budget.