5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the “Orgasm Gap”

by | Oct 30, 2020 | Uncategorized | 34 comments

5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the Orgasm Gap

What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm more regularly?

Welcome back! It’s Keith here, Sheila’s husband, with another instalment of “Men’s Corner” where we talk primarily to Sheila’s male readers about some of the things being said on the blog.

(Don’t worry, women, it’s okay for everyone to read or comment!).

This month the theme is orgasm, obviously an important topic. Why is this such a difficult thing in so many marriages? Why are there so many marriages where she rarely (or never) orgasms?  What can a Christian husband do to rectify this in his own relationship with his wife?

Rather than diving straight in, though, I want to lead into the discussion from a different direction.  It might initially sound like a tangent, but I think it is fundamental to understanding this issue and I am confident you will see why once we get there.

Last month there were a few comments on the blog and the Facebook page about how the problem with lack of sex in Christian marriages was ultimately “women’s selfishness”. This really irked me. At first, I thought it was the fact that it was insulting to women.  I assumed I was just feeling defensive on their behalf. Yes, sometimes women can be selfish, but so can men! And to imply that women are somehow MORE selfish than men is really not something any of us truly believe, is it?. (At least I hope not). Would we husbands accept a statement like “the problem is men’s selfishness” (i.e. if we men stopped wanting sex that would be the best solution)? If not, we shouldn’t be saying the same to our wives either.

But then I realized what truly bugged me about those comments was much deeper.  It was the fact that they were typical of a disturbing thought pattern that I see continuously in Christian marriage teaching –

We have an underlying assumption that sex is basically something for men and not for women. 

To paraphrase the idea, it goes something like this: “Come on, ladies, we know you don’t want to, but it really matters to him, so why can’t you just help him out?” Basically, good Christian women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, but good Christian men are. You may think I am exaggerating, but how else do you account for the fact that Emerson Eggerichs, speaking to women in his book Love & Respect, could say “If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have (emphasis mine)” and nobody bats an eye. In fact, many Christian marriage books (eg. His Needs Her Needs, The Power of a Praying Wife, etc) talk about how sex is a need for the husband and affection is the correlating need for the wife (as if we both don’t need both!) This thinking is everywhere and it really irks me.

And Sheila and I talked about this a ton on yesterday’s podcast!

But what does this have to do with orgasm? 

If you think about it, it is pretty obvious.  This month Sheila has been talking about what women require in order to be able to orgasm. Let’s just consider two points.

First, women need to feel comfortable in their own body and second, they need time to get sufficiently aroused.

It is easy to see how the “sex is for men” mindset can wreak havoc on both of these. Imagine you are a wife who has internalized this message.  How comfortable are you going to feel relaxing, letting go and enjoying this experience which you are “not supposed to like”?  How comfortable are you going to be telling your husband what does and doesn’t feel good?  Or what if you are a husband who has internalized this message? How likely are you to devote the time it takes to “make it happen” for her? If this whole sex thing is for you anyway and “women just want affection”, what is your incentive to get better at bringing her to orgasm? There isn’t one!

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. We can do better than this!

We can completely reject this notion that sex is for us husbands and not for our wives and both have much more satisfying sex lives in the process.

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what’s holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

There are things we can do as Christian husbands to make sure our wives don’t have to experience the “orgasm gap” Sheila has been talking about all month.

So, if you want to learn how to rock your wife’s world, read on.

1. Believe that sex was meant to be pleasurable for your wife, too! 

The idea that women can’t enjoy sex is clearly false.  Women do have the capacity to derive great pleasure from sex. They may take longer to warm up, but when they reach orgasm, they can have multiple or prolonged orgasms. They don’t have a refractory period like men, so they can have prolonged, intense enjoyment if things are done right.

Yet in many marriages, wives orgasm far less frequently than their husbands. Resolve not to be one of those marriages! Let your wife know that her pleasure matters to you with your words and your actions. So many women email Sheila asking how to talk to their husbands about the fact that they are always “left hanging”.  Don’t be one of those relationships.  If you are a husband whose wife never or rarely orgasms, I encourage you to read this post and resolve to no longer deprive your wife of the opportunity to have a wonderful mutually satisfying experience with her husband.

2. Avoid the “obligation sex” message at all costs. 

People can be guilted into things fairly easily (depending on the person of course), and women are no exception. However, people are never going to truly enjoy something if their underlying motivation to participate is guilt.

Guys, you need to realize that so many women feel this overwhelming sense of guilt about sex. It’s like a lead straight-jacket for them.  They fear if they are not sexually available that their husbands will stray or watch pornography. They feel like they have a duty to perform because – as I said above – they have been taught that repeatedly.

How can they possibly enjoy sex if that is why they are doing it in the first place?

If you truly recognize that sex is meant to be enjoyable for your wife as well, you will do your level best to get rid of any sense of obligation in your sex life. She needs to know that you will love her and be faithful to her no matter what. Only when she knows she is safe can she really be free to experience her own sexuality with you. This is really easy to mess up without knowing.  For instance, one commenter last month noted how after she had had a sexual encounter with her husband where she DID orgasm, he asked her “So why don’t you want to do this all the time?”. I am pretty sure he didn’t intend to lay a guilt trip on her, but I am 99.9% sure that he was clueless enough not to realize that’s what he actually did!

3. Don’t expect your wife’s sexuality to be the same as yours.

I talked a bit about this already in my post on seeing sex from a woman’s perspective, but we sometimes assume that  if our wives don’t experience sexuality the same way we do, that something is wrong with them or with us or maybe both.

For instance, let’s consider time from initiation of sex to orgasm. If you have decided “Tonight’s the night” for her and you are not aware of (or don’t appreciate) the fact that women take considerably longer than men, you may start sending her signals about why this is taking “so long” once you get past the point that this would already be over for you. Hopefully you would never say that out loud (although sadly, Sheila does get emails from women whose husbands have said just that), but trust me, if you are thinking it, she will pick up on it.  She might even say it before you do! (Remember the guilt straight-jacket I talked about earlier?).

Instead, you should recognize and appreciate that women see sex differently than men and that is not a bad thing. One of the recurring themes in Sheila’s post about what husbands who are great lovers do is the sense that you have all the time in the world for them. Enjoy the moment instead of sprinting for the finish line. See sex as more than intercourse. Aim to have the experience be mutually enjoyable by making it stress-free and deadline-free.

4. Remember that sex is meant to be mutual and to be intimate, more than just a physical release.

Sadly, however, sex is quite often presented in exactly those kind of transactional terms, even within the church. This is not a godly view of sex, but an incredibly worldly one.  I might upset some of you, but I think it could be said that it is basically a pornographic view of sex. 

What I mean is this: Pornography is all about pleasure and taking that from another person rather than about relationship and mutuality.  It is ultimately about one person using another rather than two people experiencing true intimacy.  I think this way of thinking about sex has crept in more than we would like to realize.  In contrast, Sheila has shown in many posts how the Biblical perspective differs from this and Is centred around true intimacy and mutuality.  The word “know” is used in Scripture repeatedly to denote sexual relations (as in “Adam knew his wife, Eve”).  This is not a euphemism. God doesn’t need to speak in code words about what He has created. This is meant to tell us that although sex may be physical it is also more than that, something deeply intimate and personal and – it seems clear to me – also mutual.

It’s okay to have “his” nights and “her” nights once in a while, for sure, but if you are in a relationship where sex is mostly one sided or is all about the physical, you are missing out on the much deeper level of intimacy that God intend sex to be.

5. Finally, be open to learning and doing things differently than you have in the past.

Most of all, talk to your wife. Just because sex is working for you, doesn’t mean it is working for her.  I have seen too many marriages where men assumed everything was fine and didn’t realize there was a problem till it was too late.

Ask her honestly how things could be better for her and listen to what she says.  If she is looking for more, but doesn’t know how to get there either, then seek out good resources together (like The Orgasm Course!).  Couples struggle for far too long with simple problems because they didn’t seek the help they needed. And there is help out there!  Our newly released “The Orgasm Course” has lots of fantastic information to help you and your wife in this area. Sheila and her team put TONS of work into this and it is just excellent. This whole blog is dedicated to building an amazing sexual relationship in your marriage and I hope you find lots here to help. But one of the major keys to seeing that happen is for us husbands to see sex as something that is meant for both the husband and the wife and dedicate ourselves to making sure she derives as much enjoyment from it as we do.

So let’s do this!

What do you think? Is there another tip you’d add? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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  1. Anon

    Thank you for stressing the importance of #1! As a newly-wed of 3.5 months, it’s been interesting (and slightly scary!) to see how deep the ‘sex is for my husband’ message has rooted in my brain, without me realising it! If you’d asked me pre-marriage, I’d have said ‘of course sex should be mutual’ and ‘sexual pleasure is equally important for the wife’. Only now I’m putting that into practice, I’m realizing how my attitudes don’t match up with what I profess to believe!
    Recently, we hit a spot that gave me an orgasm almost instantly. “Yippee! Now we get results without him having to spend much time on it”, I thought. Same thing the next night. At which point, he said, “Are we getting here too quickly? I’m worried that you’re not getting enough satisfaction when you climax that fast. I don’t want you to be missing out.” I was so busy feeling happy that we’d ‘got there’ without costing him much effort, that my own pleasure hadn’t even crossed my mind…
    A few nights later, that ‘spot’ just didn’t work any more. I apologised to my husband, and he said the most beautiful thing in response: “If it happened in the same way every time, it would be like reducing sex to a coin slot machine. I don’t want giving you pleasure to be a case of ‘pressing these buttons gives this result’. Having to keep changing what we do will keep us learning and growing in intimacy.”
    I’m so thankful to have a husband who is adamant that sex must be equally good for both of us, and very grateful for the way he lovingly challenges me when I produce these wrong attitudes. But I’ve also been really shocked to see how much of this stuff I’ve absorbed without even knowing it. Woman who have been openly taught it for years must find it even harder to break free. Thank you Keith and Sheila for all you are doing to bring about change!

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s such a lovely story, Anon! You have an awesome husband.
      And I just want to say special kudos for the awesome husbands out there! There are so many. Often it’s what we believe and what we’ve internalized that hold us back, and I’m glad your husband is helping set you free from that.

    • Keith R Gregoire

      Thanks for sharing this. It is so wonderful to hear about guys (like your husband) who understand what their wives need – or at least try to!
      I am sure he also appreciates how you are willing to be “lovingly challenged”. As Sheila & I talked about in the podcast, sometimes it is more the wife than the husband who has bought the “sex is for men” lie.
      Marriages will always be better when we can lovingly encourage each other to healthy ways of thinking.

    • Natalie

      Speaking of slot machines, you hit the jackpot on husbands!!!! Way to go! I’m convinced of not only more men had that outlook but that was also the general consensus we all got from culture, sexual satisfaction and orgasms and intimacy would come a lot more naturally to all of us.

  2. Anonymous

    I think one of the most important things for me was to educate myself. I know it sounds strange but I got married at 27 years old and didnt know what a clitoris was and to be honest not much about female orgasm. I knew that the clitoris had to do with the vagina but I didnt know what it was used for. My wife didnt really say much about it either. It actually wasnt until I got to know this blog that I started to learn. As a christian it felt wrong to learn things like that before I got married I guess.
    So educating oneself about the female body and how it works has helped a lot. And as you say, change our mindset. I have started to think that the manliest thing I can do is to give my wife an orgasm or at least to try everything I can to give it to her.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s awesome, Anonymous! I’m glad you did learn, and i’m glad you found this blog!

      • Travis

        Hi! Thank you for such as great series. As a husband my wife’s pleasure is my main priority when we’re being intimate and when things don’t happen for her it makes me feel like I’ve failed. A lot of what you’ve talked about we’ve been through. From the “feeling broken’ to the being discouraged in how long it takes I sat here reading and saying “YES, thanks for talking about this”. There are times it does happen for her, a lot more so now that we’ve introduced toys but I would I would love for it to happen more frequently for her, and I know she would as well. With all that being said my question revolves around drinking and it’s effect on her being able to climax. The only time we’re intimate is when she’s been drinking, feeling relaxed and able to let go. But, I wonder by her drinking too much if this is impacting her in anyway? If it does then how do I get her to be intimate without the drinks since this is her go to?

        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          That’s an interesting question that I’ve actually had quite a few times this month!
          I think if she needs alcohol to relax, there are likely other issues at play, and those other issues are likely making orgasm harder to begin with. It may help her to go through The Orgasm Course which helps her uncover any mental blocks that may be holding her back, and then how to strengthen the mind-body connection so that she doesn’t need the alcohol or the toys as much, but can just relax and be with you. I should write more on alcohol, though; I’ve meant to do a series. Maybe in December?

  3. Nathan

    My church is a little enlightened, but not all the way there yet. They stress that sex is for both partners, and they emphasize that it’s about the physical AND emotional AND spiritual connections.
    But, they still get stuck in the “have sex with your husband so that he won’t stray” mentality from time to time.

    • Natalie

      This basically describes every church I’ve been a part of. But how do churches get around this? Cuz it is true: a sexually satisfied man is less likely to try and find sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
      I think the whole topic of sex and gender roles in modern marriages is just fraught with things we can’t change cuz we live in a sinful world, and we’ll have to accept that marriages will never be truly equal or mutual. Sure, some will be closer than others. But ultimately, there will always be libido differences, an orgasm gap, one partner not feeling satisfied or fulfilled in the marriage, etc.

      • Jess

        I think instead of teaching and believing “a sexually satisfied man is less likely to try and find sexual satisfaction elsewhere,” we need to teach and believe that a man who is steadfastly pursuing God with all his heart, soul, and strength is less likely to find sexual satisfaction outside of God’s loving care and design for him.
        Years ago, my husband confessed to looking at pornagraphic images online and I had a total breakdown over it believing it was my fault…that I wasn’t sexy enough, skinny enough, providing enough sex, enough variety, etc., etc., etc. He had to tell me time and again, “it is nothing you did or didn’t do that caused this to happen. It is on MY shoulders. It is MY fault for letting my heart stray from God and allowing temptation to creep in.” He took responsibility, set up accountability, and renewed a steadfast pursuit of the Lord and has not given in to that temptation since.
        THIS is what we need to teach our boys, teach our men. Pursuing God first helps us turn from sin. Period.

      • This is a Pseudonym

        I don’t think it’s true that a sexually satisfied man is less likely to look for it elsewhere. That wasn’t my story, anyway. Lack of sex and sexual sins should be treated as two totally separate issues, IMO.

      • Bethany#2

        Well they could phrase it as true for both wives and husband’s. Because it’s true! A satisfied spouse is way less tempted. So maybe that simple addition would fix it.

  4. Natalie

    Now that I’ve been on this sex/sexuality journey of mine for several years, I can see that sufficient arousal is my primary issue. I think the biggest obstacle I have – even bigger than my lack of visceral look physical attraction for my husband, and that’s saying a lot for me cuz that’s also a huge issue in our marriage – is that feeling that sex isn’t for me or that I don’t really deserve sex because sex wasn’t really made for me to enjoy too (or enjoy as much as my husband); if it were, God would’ve made it easier for me to orgasm. I know this is 100% an attack on my mind from Satan and that he’s been using it for years to make me not enjoy sex with my husband like I could be. It’s something I struggle with daily. The longer I go without an orgasm, the worse it gets too. I don’t know what else I can do besides pray about this issue, cuz when I look to 90% of Christian resources, they all either blatantly or subtly reinforce this idea that, yeah, sex is 80-95% for my husband because “he has needs” (which is funny, cuz my husband is probably at the lower end of normal libido range AND he also desperately wants me to feel pleasure during sex too).

  5. Nathan

    > > Cuz it is true: a sexually satisfied man is less likely to try and find sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
    This may not always be true. In some cases, men who have a solid sex life at home will cheat or watch porn anyway.
    I also pray that you can resolve your issues and be happy and satisfied

  6. Justine M.

    Thank you for mentioning His Needs Her Needs!!! That book makes my blood boil, even more than Love & Respect in some ways.
    1) The emphasis that some needs are more “male” and some more “female” is so poisonous. Categorizing sex as “his need” makes high-libido women (or low-libido men, for that matter) feel alienated and abnormal.
    2) The constant hammering that “if you don’t fulfill your spouse’s needs, they will have an affair.” Every single chapter starts with an anecdote about someone who didn’t fulfill their spouse’s needs, which led to the spouse cheating. The subtitle of the book is literally “Building an Affair-Proof Marriage”– as if you follow the formula and are a perfect wife, your husband will never cheat! It is sooooo fear-mongering and victim-blaming.
    3) The complete imbalance between expectations for women and for men. The “needs” for women are affection, conversation, honesty/openness, financial support, and family commitment. Honestly, most of these aren’t big “asks”– talking to your wife, being honest with her, bringing in some income, and being an equal partner in raising children are just bare-minimum requirements for marriage. The “needs” for men are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration. The examples the author gives for these are far more demanding for wives– learning and practicing your husband’s hobbies (like golf) so you can do them together, dieting and exercising to prevent weight gain, wearing makeup always or often, and taking on the bulk of household responsibilities so he can enjoy “peace and quiet”.
    I’m honestly shocked at the hundreds of five-star reviews this book has on Amazon. So deeply problematic.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      It is a deeply, deeply problematic book. It failed on our scoring rubric of healthy sexuality for our book The Great Sex Rescue, and we quote from it and deal with a lot of the problematic elements in The Great Sex Rescue! I wish you could buy it now, but it’s not available til March, but if you pre-order, you’re guaranteed the lowest price.
      I totally agree–they ask far more of women than men. That’s a major point we’re making in our book, too. I love it when other people speak up about problematic books so it’s not just me, so thank you!

  7. Anonymous this time

    Keith, what do you do if you have the opposite problem: My wife and I average physical intimacy about 1.5 times per year. On those rare occasions, it consists of me giving her a long massage to get her warmed up. Then, she wants oral sex performed on her until she orgasms. Then she pulls up her flannel pajamas and goes to bed. She never touches me and my clothes never come off. Maybe just as well as by the end of giving her the long massage, my hands and back are in pain so any erection I had is long gone. I feel like I am a human vibrator. The once or twice a year she needs that itch scratched, she pulls me out of the drawer to scratch it. I have no doubts that there is a big orgasm gap in the world and that men orgasm far more often than women do. But sometimes I wonder about other men like myself who find ourselves in this incredibly small brotherhood where the situation is actually reversed.

  8. Jo

    I have always run into the problem that my husband is very opposed to acknowledging that we have difficulty in our intimate relationship. He is fine with joking around and lighthearted praise, but the minute the conversation becomes serious, he becomes so uncomfortable that he will literally walk out of the room to avoid me. I am intrigued by Sheila’s course because the description seems exactly like my own experience, but I am really nervous about presenting the idea of spending money on it to my husband. It’s not like he will forbid me, but he will withdraw from me. I feel like I damage his trust in me and willingness to open up to me every time I express any concern about our (my) experience. Also, I was curious if the you think the course would be helpful when there is severe PE in the relationship, or if we would just run into more frustration. A lot of advice doesn’t seem to apply to us, because of his condition (which I am not sure if he would really acknowledge anyway. He seems to experience time differently than I do).
    I would appreciate some male advice, because every time I try to bring this topic up, I feel like I am taking a hatchet to my own marriage, no matter how kindly and respectfully I try to present it (and for many years I believed it was MY problem and presented it as such). My husband is not a selfish ogre by any means, he’s a good man— we just can’t seem to have any communication about this topic.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Hi Jo,
      I know this isn’t male advice, but I do want to chime in here! I understand that PE makes him embarrassed and uncomfortable, but the thing is that your pleasure ALSO matters. Yes, by talking about it he may withdraw. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk about it. This matters for you, too. This matters for both of you. If he isn’t willing to talk, you can say something like, ‘I know this makes you uncomfortable, and that is honestly not my intention. But my sexuality also matters, and I’m going to keep talking about this, because I’m not willing to let that side of our life go. It’s too important.”
      As for the course, so much of it is focused on how to reach orgasm without intercourse (there is a whole module on orgasm through intercourse, but we stress other forms of sexual stimulation, too). So I don’t think his PE would be an impediment!

      • Jo

        Thanks, Sheila, for your encouragement. I should clarify that his discomfort is not embarrassment about PE (which I am not sure he would acknowledge he has) or his own sexual performance in general. I try to put my finger on it, but I think he sees bringing outside advice (even if just through a book) into our private relationship as offensive. He was raised in a non-western culture where discussing personal problems (of any kind) is a big taboo and anything like counseling is seen as weird and creepy. It’s a huge obstacle. Also, he has an extremely short attention span and sees reading or slowly going over details as work, which he doesn’t see as compatible with sex. I don’t think he would say that my sexuality is unimportant, but that my expectations are unrealistic and that I am being a perfectionist. I honestly do struggle with perfectionism, but I also want to grow; I may have to find a way to work on it without presenting it as “working on it.” 😉
        I’ll be a little more explicit: I was not concerned about PE during intercourse (given our circumstances, I am pretty sure that orgasm during intercourse is physically impossible), but during foreplay. Sometimes I have felt frustrated with advice like “clear your mind and get lost in the moment” because in addition to all the mental distractions we women face, I also know he could ejaculate at any time, and the more I am enjoying the foreplay and getting into the moment, the more likely it is there will be an accident. It’s kind of like driving a car that stalls— it’s hard to go for a drive without being super alert and worrying. I realize I am trying to manage his body as well as my own, and that doesn’t work very well.
        I do feel like we have made significant progress in the last few years (all thanks to God!) in spite of the difficulties we have on both sides, and honestly it helps me to consider our intimate relationship as having “special needs” where our milestones are just going to look really different than what I read about other people experiencing. I am a lot happier today than I was 5 years ago, and I am actually optimistic that we will continue to grow in one form or another. I am learning to value growth more than achieving goals. Your site has given me a lot of insight that I didn’t get from other books (yes, written by men!). I will think about the course some more and see if it is the right time to bring it up with him. Thanks for all you do!

        • Jane Eyre

          The best way to be passive-aggressive and annoy a person to no end is to claim that you are in agreement on the desired end result, but be so stubborn about the method that the result never happens.
          Imagine someone saying, “I know it’s important to you to visit Hawaii, and I want us to go together. Let’s keep looking for driving routes there, maybe a bridge or tunnel we haven’t heard about yet. Getting on a plane just really isn’t my thing.”
          Same idea here. If someone is so completely attached to their method or opposed to other methods that the end result is not going to happen, they at least need to acknowledge that. Alternately, they need to look at other ways of getting there.

    • Bradley

      My advice is to live for the kingdom of Christ. Despite what Shelia and others say on her website here, the orgasm gap does not need to be completely bridged. We are living in the end times and Christ’s kingdom work should be our main focus whether we are single or married. I am sorry that you have had difficulty in your sex life with your husband. It sounds like he really loves you and are confident of that.
      In the last section of Mathew 25 Jesus talks about six categories of people in need: people in need of water, people in need of food, people in need of clothes, prisoners, the sick, and strangers. He said: (my paraphrase): Whatever you have done for these brothers and sisters of mine, even the least of them, you have done for me. So Christ who has saved us who believe claims those people in need as His own. Therefore, they should be extremely important to us who believe. My advice is that you do something for at least one of these groups and pray as much as God leads you to for all of them.
      I pray in the name of Christ Jesus our Lord that God’s blessing is on you and your marriage, including your sex life. Amen
      God is love. All praise Lord Jesus Christ!

      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Okay, Bradley, well, let me sum up your argument: women’s orgasms don’t matter because we’re in the End Times.
        Do men’s orgasms matter in the End Times?

        • Keith R Gregoire

          If he is living a life consistent with his position in this comment, then he must be abstaining entirely in view of the fact that we are in end times.

      • Keith R Gregoire

        It grieves me that I must point out that you have not said anything of real practical help to the woman in question. Please re-read James 2:15-16 and to your zeal for God add a love for His daughters. Undoubtedly you feel very righteous having said these words, but honestly you sound like the people that Jesus was talking about in Matthew 23:4 to me. I hope I am wrong and that your heart is actually in the right place.

  9. A

    Just wanted to say I love what you have to say! I am 20+ years into marriage, and it’s like my husband and I just now figuring out how it all works. That’s OK. We just didn’t know any better. I’m grateful for your reflections and teaching, it gives me some great material to share with my daughters (and sons!). You are giving us a third option– neither the simplistic, legalistic approach taught in so many Christian circles, nor the trashy but alluring stuff the world has to offer. I’m happy to be sharing some of your podcasts with other mom friends. We need to offer a kids something better than what we were taught.

  10. L

    Can I start a convo here? For those of us whose husbands rush us (not out of malice or meanly), how do you think you will handle it in the future? For instance, if my husband asks to move to intercourse, but I haven’t climaxed yet – say no and directly ask for more time? Discuss it beforehand and let him know I’ll invite him to that next step?
    For those who haven’t ever climaxed yet, at what point are you going to move on to intercourse? My husband sorta gives me one attempt (and it may have already been an hour or so) and then usually wants to move on. Or as talked about above, I pressure myself to move on.
    I’m trying to form my thoughts on this and how to approach my husband. It may vary from night to night. There are ongoing discussions that need to happen. Still debating the orgasm course! Like one of the commenters above, my husband is more of a withdrawer when it comes to sexual discussions and sex in general. I am really the pursuer. I notice withdrawers isn’t a big topic on this blog, but Dr. Laurie Watson of Awakenings Counseling/Foreplay Radio talks about it.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Hi L, I think talking beforehand that you’ll be the one to invite him is a good idea.
      I also think that we can start to rush ourselves, too, and that’s often the harder part.
      What we do talk about in The Orgasm Course is taking this step by step. First figure out what may be applying the brakes and stopping you from getting somewhere, whether it’s relational or how you feel about yourself or how you feel about sex or whatever. Then we ask you to take a big step backwards and stop trying for orgasm, and just try for arousal. And only when you’ve got that piece down do we try for orgasm. And sometimes that may mean trying for a weekend, but then not trying for a while again, or whatever. Because always feeling this pressure isn’t good either. But you should also give yourself time!
      I hope that helps. And, yes, if your husband withdraws and won’t talk about it, watching the men’s videos may help. But even if he won’t, you’ll likely have more confidence to be able to voice what you really need and want!

  11. wifeofasexaddict

    His Needs Her Needs was the most poisonous book for my marriage. My husband beat me over the head with it for over 25 years. When he announced he had filed for divorce, I burned a whole bunch of books, and that was my grand finale.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Good for you! It is a very bad book. I’m glad you took it out of circulation.

  12. Paul

    I have been married for 54+ years. Until 15 years ago I would have said we had a great physical relation ship. When the children left the house, I thought we would have these great times . Apparently, age(menopause and ED) have a large affect on desire/passion and the ability to have a good time in bed. My wife is for the most part uninterested or unwilling to talk about sex. I have only recently been able to arouse her by manual stimulation but never to orgasm. She doesn’t seem to want to let that happen. I have a hard time broaching the subject because she is either busy doing some facebook reading or sleeping or??. We now have our 50 year old son living with us and that has changed things as well. When we do have an intimate time often my erection is not sufficient to even bring me to orgasm. She is also very jumpy to my touch. Perhaps I am expecting her to be thinking about sex and ……

  13. Paul

    PS: I read your 31 days book and asked my wife to read it with me, but that never happened.


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