Don’t let people use your house for a birthday party without telling your spouse.
That’s a pretty good rule for life! And right now, over on Threads, thousands upon thousands of people worldwide have been invested in Birthday Party Lady’s story of how she held her ground.
This week has been a really interesting one on Threads, and it shows the difference between Threads and other social media platforms. The Threads algorithm prefers people’s stories, and three stories in particular, that all have similar themes, have been exploding on Threads this week. I want to tell you about them, because you may hear them mentioned, and I like to educate my tribe!
The Threads Viral Boundaries Stories
- A woman (aka Birthday Party Lady, @i_am_sherlocked_) whose husband told his sister that she could host the birthday party for her toddler at his home in two days–without telling his wife. So she is determined to hold the line and draw boundaries and not help at all or step in to save the day like she normally does;
- A woman (aka Cruise lady, @enna_hteb) who is on a cruise rooming with her mom, while also with 38 extended family, who are real rednecks, and she’s expected to be the responsible one;
- A woman (aka Blueberry Lady, @missimouse84) whose crazy older neighbour keeps taking her to court and suing them over their driveway and accusing them of eating her blueberries from her blueberry patch.
They’ve all been fascinating to watch, because all three involve normally people pleasing, responsible women deciding that they are going to draw boundaries, and keep them, with others who are being inappropriate.
And in the process, hundreds of thousands of people have become invested in their stories.
Let me tell you how Birthday Party lady began.
This woman, “I am Sherlocked”, apparently often helps run all the birthday parties in the extended family, and makes elaborate cakes that the kids like. Earlier this year her sister-in-law insulted her about this, saying that she’d just make her own kids cakes, because they’re just “flour and water.” So the woman backed off and didn’t volunteer for anything.
Fast forward to last Sunday, and this woman posts this, which goes viral:
She asked for advice, and her posts went huge. Over the next two days she updated how things were going, and people were hanging on every word.
She had it out with husband and told him that she wouldn’t be helping because she wasn’t asked. And her own kids had activities that night that she was supposed to drive them to, so husband and mother-in-law and sister-in-law would have to handle everything. But MIL was passive aggressive. SIL sent a text at midnight the night before the party asking if it was still on. On the day of the party, no decorations had been bought, and husband got off work AFTER the party was supposed to start. But she held her ground.
By the time the actual party was happening, the posts were coming frequently and thousands of people tuned in live.
Turns out guests arrived before the birthday child and family, but there were no decorations or food. MIL and SIL kept trying to rope her in to doing things, but she would walk off to “admire the walls.” And all along, what was really most interesting, were the thousand of comments coaching her on how to handle difficult interactions, what to say when people ask what they’re eating (“Oh, I’m excited to find out too! Why don’t you ask Husband? He’s planning this party”), and more.
And to great cheers worldwide, she held her ground.
She bought a lovely gift for the child, and fussed over the child (who was a toddler, I believe), and kissed the child, whom she genuinely loves, but she did not plan the party or do the food or decorations.
The cake was a storebought sheet cake, and at one point SIL stared at her and said, “I don’t know how to cut cake.” I think that’s when she went to admire the walls.
A couple of things stood out to me in this:
- First, pressuring women to do things last minute and to rescue things “for the sake of the children” is often a family affair, not just something that stems from a husband
- Second, women worldwide were recognizing themselves in these scenarios in huge numbers.
I’d like to take a minute to look at both of these things, in light of our research for The Marriage You Want.
Unequal kinkeeping can seriously hurt a marriage.
Kinkeeping is the emotional labour of looking after the relationships in extended family. Think who buys Mom a mother’s day card; who calls to make sure parents are okay; who hosts birthday parties for nieces and nephews! Here’s what we found in our survey of 7000 for The Marriage You Want:
Among our respondents, kinkeeping was either split evenly by family of origin (49.7% of couples) or the entire task was owned by the wife (46.8% of couples). Very few men took on the kinkeeping for both families of origin. And what happens when wives take on the task of caring for his family as well as her own? They are:
- 94% more likely to have a below average Trust in Close Relationships score
- 36% more likely to have a below average Relationship Flourishing score
- 39% more likely to be dissatisfied with their sex life
- 28% more likely not to orgasm every time they have sex
When kinkeeping is split between both spouses, marriages do much better.
And here’s our kinkeeping chart that zeroes in on many of our findings!
When the wife does all the kinkeeping, marriages suffer
Just look at that chart–and I know it’s a lot to take in! When kin keeping is share, she’s 50% more likely to have high sexual desire; 41% more likely to say she’s frequently aroused; 40% more likely to say she’s not overwhelmed by anger; and twice as likely to say her husband knows how to make her laugh. But when kin keeping isn’t shared, everything goes worse.
And that’s what Birthday Party Lady was rebelling against. She had been slotted into this role in the extended family where she took care of everything. Everyone relied on her without asking her. It was not just her husband; this dynamic that had been established meant that MIL and SIL felt they could impose on her as well.
And, as she repeatedly said, if people had asked for her help weeks ago, she likely would have said yes. But this was different, and this felt like a line she had to draw.
It’s interesting that we found that kinkeeping was either split or the wife did all of it. We found virtually no examples of husbands doing all of it, and this was a phenomenon we saw on multiple measures. When it comes to making medical and dental appointments, for instance, either they each do their own, or she does it for both of them.
Over and over again, it’s assumed in about half of marriages that she will look after things for everybody. And by her doing so, she renders her work invisible. When she steps in and does everything, other people don’t even realize everything that goes into running a party, in this case. She always put on lovely parties, and so everyone figured, “how hard can it really be?” And they figured, “she’ll come through in the end.”
But she decided she wanted to make her work visible.
And sometimes the only way to do that is not to do the work at all.
We talked about this in the Responsibility section of The Marriage You Want. We divided up what makes a marriage great into four big categories: balance, affection, responsibility, and emotional connection (BARE!). And while kinkeeping matters, so does sharing mental load. And this couple hadn’t shared mental load, and often the rest of the family hadn’t either. And she was just simply tired.
It will be interesting to see how things play out in the next few days (she seems to be continuing to post to let people know the fallout from relationships for the birthday party), but I think women the world over are tired of doing all the kinkeeping and handling all the mental load, and so people were cheering her on when she drew boundaries.
And that’s what was interesting about the comments section, too. So much of them were just coaching her on how to draw boundaries and stand firm, because there’s a worldwide recognition right now that things won’t improve for marriage relationships until women stop filling in the gaps. If this story happened more than a year ago, I’m sure I would have included it in The Marriage You Want, because it’s a perfect illustration of much of what we were trying to explain. But at least it’s started conversations for women everywhere.
Often it’s strong and heathy women who get relied on.
When you’re female and capable of handling a lot, people often put a lot on your plate, and then somehow resent you if you don’t come through–even though they’re not working nearly as hard. Somehow because you are capable and strong you owe others, or at least that’s the dynamic that starts in so many relationships. So it’s the woman who is always working and holding things together who is blamed when things don’t work out, rather than all the other relatives who basically did nothing.
That’s what was happening with Birthday Party Lady, but it’s also happening with Cruise Lady. And I want to end with one of her more poignant posts, because I think it speaks to so much. She’s on a cruise with her mom, who can be very difficult to get along with, and she said this:
Many of us can relate to this, right? We had trauma growing up, but we’re processing it. We went to therapy, we read healthy books, we journalled, we got serious about mental health and taking care of ourselves. But often family members haven’t. And because they haven’t, we can’t have honest conversations with them. We can’t grow real intimacy because they are still cut off from so much of themselves because of the trauma they’re not dealing with. And so our relationships become superficial, and often caregiving rather than a relationship of equals.
That is something to mourn.
Where does Jesus fit into all of this?
Can we draw boundaries and still love people? Can we say no to something and see them suffer because of it and still be loving people? I think we can, because carrying other people’s loads is not beneficial for relationships in the long run, or for people maturing and dealing with their own stuff. One of the ways humans learn is by reaping what they sow!
But at the same time, grace should be a part of our relationships, and I love seeing how Cruise Lady, though she is very aggravated with her mom, still does try to show her grace. And Birthday Party Lady is more than willing to help next time if she’s not taken for granted.
Relationships ar healthier with boundaries. Over and over again in our data, we found that without boundaries, relationships can break down at the 20 year mark. Women can put up with being taken advantage of for a period of time, but that time is not indefinite. Eventually something gives.
So before it gives, it’s better to go admire the walls and let other people dealing with things.
And check out The Marriage You Want too, to start some of these convos with your spouse! Our video series for it launches next week, so you can use it in your small group too. The Marriage You Want will become a one-stop shop, with premarital curriculum, couples curriculum, small group curriculum, an audio book, an ebook, a study guide, and a regular book. Let’s get healthy stuff out there that helps all of us set appropriate boundaries–rather than guilting women into doing everything!
Have you been following Birthday Party Lady or Cruise Lady? Or could you relate to their dilemmas? Let’s talk in the comments!
So many thoughts!
It isn’t just men doing this to women. Here, the MIL and SIL assumed that the Birthday Party Lady would step up.
This is one of the many reasons that I think it’s good to have women in the workforce. In the corporate world, people often say “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”
If you wouldn’t do it to your colleagues, you shouldn’t do it to your family.
Yes, sometimes mistakes happen; however, it should be acknowledged as such. “I can’t believe we didn’t tell you before now. I’m so sorry. Can we pay for a house cleaner or bring over catered food? We owe you big.”
Yes, exactly. That’s what I really noticed about this story. Sometimes it’s not as simple as the just the husband assuming the wife will carry everything. Often the dynamic in the family is that EVERYONE assumes the most capable woman will handle everything for everyone. And it’s not okay.
Yes! And I wonder if this sexism sticks around because irresponsible women can benefit, too.
Having a designated scapegoat/martyr really does make life easier on other people.
Speaking as one who has been in that role many, many times–yep.
“Many of us can relate to this, right? We had trauma growing up, but we’re processing it. We went to therapy, we read healthy books, we journalled, we got serious about mental health and taking care of ourselves. But often family members haven’t. And because they haven’t, we can’t have honest conversations with them. We can’t grow real intimacy because they are still cut off from so much of themselves because of the trauma they’re not dealing with. And so our relationships become superficial, and often caregiving rather than a relationship of equals.
That is something to mourn. ”
This right here! This is where I find myself currently. Same with my husband and his family. We’ve done (more like doing) the hard work and we’re at such different places compared to our families. It really is something to mourn and honestly that’s the stage I believe we’re entering.
I am there too. I don’t want to write my mother out of my life completely (I have pretty much done that with my father). On the other hand she has become SO toxic that it is increasingly difficult to include her in our lives.
It is super hard. With parents, too, it can seem like you’re in the parenting role now. It shouldn’t have to be this way, but for so many it is, largely because the church has hurt people and is not willing to stop doing so or help people get through it.
Nothing about I_am_Sherlock’s posts suggested she was in “the church” or evangelical. She is in the UK. There’s a cultural aspect about not causing a fuss that has nothing to do with North American evangelical church.
Good point! I’ve noticed different cultures have different expectations, at least in terms of how they scale the importance of these relational issues.
I too find it extremely difficult to deal with relatives who haven’t grown in this area also. One of my relatives asked me if another relative could live with me. The relative who lives with him has to be basically forced to pay rent so it is out of the question. My husband has pretty good boundaries – better than I do – so that helps me. It seems to produce some guilt in me to stand up for my well-being. I give too easily and at my detriment at times. But I’m glad I am learning to set firmer boundaries. A relative sent me some very personal, inappropriate messages by text so I emailed him and blocked him from my phone – no phone calls and no texts – only email, which he hasn’t been using thankfully. I feel like I am being “mean” and I’m sure some of my other relatives will think so if they find out, but I know I must grow in this area, or I will burn out and not be good to anyone. It is so important to put our well-being first, but it is so hard for me to know that it really is okay with Jesus that I do that. I do know that He set boundaries too so I will follow His example!
Good for you, Charlene! I know that’s a hard thing to do (blocking someone) but good for you for caring for yourself. And in so doing, you’re not letting that other person treat you badly.
What about Blueberry Lady!? I was waiting to find out what her story was. 🙂
It’s really convoluted, but basically her neighbour I think is mentally ill, and is constantly blaming them for infringing on her driveway, etc, even though the easement is clearly on their property. She’s sued multiple times, and she keeps accusing them of things and stalking around their property, watching their dog poop and listening in to phone calls. It’s wild!
Sheelocked posted a “new fear unlocked” about her family now finding out or reading Threads. Ateast on Threads she could delete her posts or make her acct private. If you had published her story and handle in your book, you’d take away any agency or control she had over her own story. That would’ve been a terrible, awful outcome for her. Relieved that didn’t happen.
Yes, but usually when I publish people’s stories I change some key details. I likely would have made it into a graduation party. 🙂
A graduation party totally changes the dynamics.
The child in Threads is three. You’re Rebecca might have been an exception, but my three year old couldn’t organise their own party. A graduate could or at least have a big say in planning.
And it was on a school night, well after a three year old is usually in bed (and Sherlocked said the child was crying and overtired).
Maybe I would have done a christening party! I don’t know. I haven’t sat down to write it. But my point is that when I use stories, I usually change something big so that people can’t figure out who it is. That’s quite important to me to do!
“Where does Jesus fit into all of this?”
Ask Cruise Lady.
I get the distinct vibe that of the 38 of her family on the cruise, all 38 are Born-Again Bible-Believing Strong & Devout CHRISTIANS(TM).
So Jesus has probably been weaponized to keep Cruise Lady in line giving the 38 whatever they want.
I think you’re likely right.
Shiela?
Everybody?
Go to YouTube and search for a video titled “magic coffee table”.
The rest screen/thumbnail is a man and a woman (him talking to her) with a laundry basket on the table in front of the two.
I agree that Birthday Party Lady’s extended family behaved horribly, but they could not have done that if her husband hadn’t enabled them. So I think she has a husband problem, rather than a husband’s family problem. She would never have had to stand up to them in the first place, or had the stress of being hassled by them, if her husband had treated her with respect.
I do feel for Cruise Lady. Maintaining boundaries with my own mother is a constant battle, and it’s not helped by the way she portrays as ‘sweet, innocent old lady’ to people who don’t know her well. One thing that has helped me is to keep reminding myself that an explanation is not an excuse. Yes, my mother had a difficult childhood and she couldn’t help that. But her decisions to manipulate others, to be verbally and physically abusive to me, and to refuse to seek help are her choices. And her choices have consequences, just like anyone elses!
I agree it’s a husband problem, but I’m just saying that the dynamic in these types of families is that the extended family follows the husband’s example and continues to dump stuff on the wife. So the dynamic is that it gets bigger than just the husband. But it is up to the husband to fix!
I’m sorry about your mom. That’s just so hard!
The husband leading this dynamic would be true in a Patriarchal evangelical complimentarian situation. Sherlocked is in the UK and didn’t say anything about church. I spent time in Great Britian, had British friends. The dynamic reads like a weak husband who hasn’t stood up to his Mum or sister, and who offers to help to keep the family peace.
Hi Laura. I’m speaking ad an American expat livingin the UK. While you are correct that the original story is from the UK. The behaviour of the family is not exclusively part of UK culture and happens in The US as well.
I’m a Brit, living in Britain, and I know that most of my British friends, whether church-connected or not, would say that the husband was at fault for not setting boundaries. Not because of patriarchy, but because it’s basic good manners not to let your family treat your spouse badly, regardless of your gender.
Did you read I_am_sherlocked updates?
She says this:
“I can tell he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to his family’s patriarchal values, but think at times, like me, he’s quietly trying.”
She’s extending grace and love towards her husband, who it would seem is trying to stop perpetuating his family patriarchy.
Yes, I think things are doing better!
This is why it is so important to teach people to discuss boundary setting BEFORE marriage. This kind of behaviour hasn’t just happened overnight. It will have been present throughout their dating and engagement. If someone is old enough for marriage, they are old enough to set boundaries with their family. I always say to my dating friends, if he’s bending over backwards to pacify his parents and expecting that you will jump through hoops to keep his family happy NOW, it’s only going to get worse a few years into marriage.
I read all the stats and the figure from your book – 6.3.
But the key takeaway doesn’t work for I_am_sherlocked?
“Calling your mom yourself leads to better marital and sexual satisfaction outcomes”.
But her husband and her MIL working together , and against Sherlocked. Husband talked to his mom (Mum in the UK) and together they were disrespecting Sherlocked boundaries. Talking to his Mum was helping to make the issue worse and probably impacting his marriage badly. This is bothering me alot.
“Calling your mom yourself” was short form for “you look after your own family of origin.” In this case, he didn’t. He placed it on her to organize and run the party!
But the thing here is that the husband WAS looking after and prioritising his own family of origin – – over his wife. The issue is that his mom and sisters manipulate him into doing work for them and agreeing to help them, at the expense of his wife. This appears to be a case where the marriage (and sex life) might be far better if the husband didn’t:call his mom’ and held a boundary on her overbearing presence in his life.
Some most recent threads:
“Husband knows he dumped me in it with the party.
He admitted he was wrong and bought me my favourite chocs as a peace offering.
He has a very annoying habit of saying yes without thinking when it comes to his family, and doesn’t see how they manipulate him at times.
To his credit, he was trying to help during the party: Serving the kids plates (mil shooed him away after a bit), getting glasses for drinks, pulling chairs/tables, and then tidying up after.
He didn’t seem annoyed/bothered that
I wasn’t “helping” & when I deflected any questions back to him, he just got on with it.
When he was fixing Child 1’s plate (under mil’s supervision🙄), he asked me if it was enough food.
Me: idk, ask Child 1.
Mil’s nostrils flared.
Mil to husband: You go & eat, give it to Sherlocked, she can sort it out.
Me: No, it’s fine, you can do it ✌🏼💃🏻🧱
I can tell he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to his family’s patriarchal values,
but think at times, like me, he’s also quietly trying.”
– https://www.threads.com/@i_am__sherlocked__/post/DPl5qj4jH4e
Right, but it also sounded from other updates that normally in the past he didn’t help at all (the initial thread said that) but he knew he was in trouble.
The point is that he said yes, expecting his wife would do the work. And that’s really what kin keeping is–it’s not the initial “yes”, but who bears the burden.
“Calling your mom leads to …” is a claim of causation.
It’s presented in a chart of survey findings, as evidence for the claim.
Survey data may show correlation (though would need a specific question about calling mom rather than more general ones on contacting extended family to be valid) – but claiming causation?
Shocking that peer review didn’t pick it up.
A reader who is setting boundaries – or going no contact – with a narcissistic, abusive, neglectful, or toxic mother might be left very confused by this ‘finding’. It needs unpacking and caveats for unhealthy family dynamics.
I wonder will it be fixed for the next publishing?
We explain the question in the text. This is just a cute short form. This is ONE chart that is surrounded by text that explains it. For the “key Takeaway”, we had to explain each chart in very, very few words. Obviously it won’t be nuanced. But the text around it is. It is not something that needs to be corrected.
As soon as I read this, I remembered sitting in church as an 11yo and hearing my dad announce up the front that the youth group was having a sleepover at our house this week. My mum looked shocked and everyone laughed that my dad had forgotten to tell her. I didn’t know enough to know how bad that was at the time, but my best friend’s mother commented to me
“everyone thought it was funny, but it noticed your Mum’s face, she didn’t find it funny.”
Now maybe she was a little out of line saying that to an 11yo, but gosh, why was she the only one who validated that it wasn’t right??
Oh wow! I can’t imagine what your mom felt!
Thank you for talking about this. It’s the perfect crossover. I was one who followed post by post on Tuesday. 🥳 And as you said and have said before about relationships break down 15-20 if she’s overwhelmed – I’m so thankful I was able to find your resources which have grown over time, as well as others and make changes. I have a friend who I talked about the books with a couple years ago and her marriage did end – because in part it began without her feeling desire or autonomy in the church culture (and he was /is a pastor) or family.
An update from I__am__Sherlocked tonight:
“I appreciate the overnight comments on my last post. Opinions were polarised between “Get a lawyer” and “Girl, go find you a wall to look at” 😂
Monetising my personal experiences was never part of the agenda.. & I can’t control what other people create/sell because of trends/viral posts.
Copyrighting would only make sense for me if I wanted to sell anything myself and I don’t have the capacity for that right now.
So, in the spirit of staying true to myself, I humbly request any small businessthat is creating cake cutting/wall admiring merch to donate a part of their sales to their local mental health/women’s DV charity or homeless shelter. Anything that gives back to your community.
Because really, that’s what brought us all together here in the first place, community and supporting each other. Let’s focus on that 🤍”
I thought she was lovely!
On a different but related note, it’s Holy Spirit who leads and “grows up” God’s children in the perfect timing. Sometimes one person is “growing up” and learning boundaries and lots of good things from a therapist, but it’s one sided (cuz they don’t have their family members in the sessions). When that person returns to their family and doesn’t help the family understand the new things they’re learning (in a gracious way), but just expects the family to “get it”, it’s like learning a dance no one else knows and expecting that simply one’s return and expectations should make everyone else fall in line with different steps.
“Growing up” and changing requires a LOT from the person. (I think grace means more than we (I) understand.)
As someone who has done lots of internal work (and I continue to), but has a family member who has done their own work who only acknowledges their own work as valuable and “right”, it’s crazy making to interact. I always seem to get it “wrong” in their eyes (even when I’ve followed my therapists advice).
So these days, I’m just letting them be themselves and letting God be the one to direct me to the next thing I need to surrender/work on. Cuz there will probably always be someone who says I’m doing something wrong.
We (I) just can’t continue to live pointing fingers like that. We can’t consider that we are the ones to say what stage of development someone should be working on. We’re all so nuanced. Everyone has their version of the same story. And when someone in a group suddenly changes course in a relationship it’s quite shocking and off putting to the rest. Just saying… As someone kinda on both sides of these stories.
These are thoughts I’ve been chewing on as I navigate my own family relationships and deal with my own issues.
What do you hear in this, Sheila? Thank you for all that you’re bringing to the world! My world is better because of you.
Thank you for this. I have done this with my husband’s family for forever (we are 35 years married). We don’t live near them, but when we are there for something, I have taken the bulk of the planning and work. And like Birthday party lady, have heard complaints from both SIL and FIL. We will travel to be there for my FIL’s 90th is this week. My husband put nothing on me and at first I was upset about that. Doing is the only role I know to do with his family. So after reading this, I texted him, sent the post, and thanked him for not expecting this of me. And I told him that besides making the guacamole, I will do what the rest of the family normally does, stay out of the kitchen. It’s up to them this time. Birthday party lady’s story here gave me the perspective I need!
I love that!