Toxic marriage advice hurts those in abusive marriages.

But it also hurts those in so-called good marriages–because bad advice is just plain bad advice.

Here at Bare Marriage we often critique marriage advice that’s given in evangelical circles, showing how that marriage advice would be really harmful if someone in an abusive marriage heard it. Sometimes the things we say won’t do serious damage to people in good or normal marriages, but it would seriously harm someone in a destructive marriage.

And we’ve written before about how marriage advice shouldn’t harm, and how it’s possible to write a book that doesn’t harm people.

But more and more I’m realizing that the problem is not just that people are giving advice that would harm those in abusive marriages; it’s that the advice is lousy even for people in relatively good marriages.

Here’s a recent example from Focus on the Family. This week, they posted this on Facebook.

I asked those on my Facebook page what they thought of it, without giving my thoughts first.

Many mentioned that it was destructive to those in abusive marriages. Many also noted that this was a textbook case of spiritual bypassing, and I’ll let a really good article from Psychology Today explain this:

Yep. It uses spiritual language to allow you to ignore the hard work that’s actually required to fix the problems you’re facing.

And quite a few recognized that, by spiritual bypassing, they were actually teaching people to NOT solve problems. As Sheryce, one of my commenters, said:

Exactly!

So let’s break down how this advice is lousy even for those in okay marriages, and then ask the questions:

• What is the effect of this advice to couples in okay marriages?
• Why do they give advice this bad in the first place?

Let’s take a closer look at the scenario they’re giving:

1. The couple is “mismatched”

They don’t explain what that means, but there’s a conflict going on somehow. It could be personality differences (he’s an introvert, she’s an extravert); it could be religious differences (she’s a believer, he’s not); it could be that they have some major differences of opinion or there’s a big area of their marriage that isn’t working (she’s tired of carrying all the mental load, or he’s afraid her spending is driving them into debt). Or, of course, it could be that one is abusive.

2. This couple is being told that the solution is to pursue God rather than addressing the issue

No matter what the issue is, the solution is to get your needs met in God, and ignore the problems in your marriage.

Do you see what the problem is here?

No matter how solvable this problem is, the couple is told not to address it at all.

If the problem is mental load, for instance, there’s lots of ways to address this (and we detail them in The Marriage You Want!). This is absolutely solvable, if your spouse has goodwill.

If the problem is that you’re really different personalities and you don’t connect easily or naturally anymore, again, that’s solvable if you intentionally figure out how to foster friendship and companionship (chapter 3 in The Marriage You Want!).

If the problem is that you don’t share a faith, again, you can still address your intimacy levels by focusing on friendship, and more.

What will happen if the couple doesn’t address this problem?

Does it magically get better by not talking about it and ignoring it? Even if you feel closer to God, you do not build intimacy with your spouse by ignoring a problem. And this is the central problem: Intimacy requires that you actually share what you’re feeling with your spouse. You can’t have intimacy if you ignore things. Intimacy is only attainable if you are able to talk about your issues.

Now, some things may not be resolved easily, if at all. But at least if you’ve talked them through and figured out why they can’t be resolved, you know how each other is feeling and thinking, and hopefully you’ve come up with some other strategies to mitigate the fallout.

But by ignoring it and not talking about it, you don’t magically create intimacy. Instead, you create a superficial relationship that will never be intimate.

This advice will only worsen marriages, and not help them.

And Jesus said “blessed are the peacemakers”, not “blessed are the peacekeepers.” Blessed are those who do the hard work of making peace, not those who simply paper over problems and pretend they aren’t there in order to keep the peace.

So the question is: Why give this advice?

If this is advice is just so patently bad (which it is), then why give it in the first place? Why is so much evangelical marriage advice focused on this idea that the problems in your marriage are that you’re expecting too much and not going to God for your needs?

The best explanation I can come up with is this one: They aren’t focusing on improving marriages; they’re focused on both keeping marriages together at all costs, and making sure that the husband is in authority over the wife.

And when that is your focus, intimacy falls by the wayside.

I honestly don’t even know if they understand what intimacy is, because when marriage must be kept together at all costs, you can’t address real issues or you may rock the boat too much. And when the husband is in authority over the wife, then real intimacy is impossible, because intimacy requires that both people’s opinions are seen equally and matter equally. When one person can override the other, then that person just isn’t as important. And that destroys intimacy.

The more I read terrible advice like this, the more I realize that the aim actually isn’t intimacy at all. And if you live in a subculture where these are the main two aims, then it’s likely that the people within that subculture may never have experienced real intimacy themselves.

Eliminate real intimacy from the equation of what makes a great marriage, and all of your advice becomes harmful for people in any kind of marriage situation–not just those in abusive marriages.

True intimacy in marriage is being fully seen and still fully accepted and loved. That’s a gift, and that’s what we all should be after. God created us for this deep kind of knowing, not just a superficial relationship. And as a church, we deserve good advice–not this kind of advice that masquerades as wisdom, but really just brings dissatisfaction.

What do you think of this advice? Why do you think Focus on the Family keeps giving it? Let’s talk in the comments!