A few years ago, one of our podcasts on the harm of the modesty message caused a ruckus online. And so I asked people, “if you were ever sexually assaulted in church, what were you wearing?”
I had so many heartbreaking responses, and I turned them into a post.
I wanted to re-run it today, as Christa Brown, who has been so instrumental in fighting abuse in SBC circles, is joining us on the podcast tomorrow.
When this first published, The Great Sex Rescue was just releasing. Since then, we published She Deserves Better, based on our survey of 7000 women’s experience in church as teens. And we found in that survey that 20% of our respondents reported being harassed/abused in church as teens–and that this was more likely to happen in churches that preached the modesty message. In fact, there’s a professor working on a paper with our daughter on this right now.
This is important, so I’ll say it again:
Churches that teach that girls have to watch what they’re wearing so they’re not stumbling blocks are also more dangerous for teen girls.
This message puts girls at risk, and it’s time to stop it.
So let’s revisit that question: What were you wearing when you were assaulted at church?
sexual harassment and assault of teenage girls is common in evangelical churches.
Why especially evangelical ones?
Because evangelical ones often stress that “boys will be boys”, “all men lust”, and thus the responsibility for keeping men from lusting falls on girls and women. They mustn’t be temptresses.
I measured all of this in our survey of 20,000 women, looking at how different evangelical teachings, like the lust message, the “boys will be boys”, and more, affect women’s sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction.
Before Christmas I looked at the effect of this on teen girls, prompted by some posts on Facebook that went absolutely viral. We turned it all into a “don’t be a stumbling block” podcast, which was one of the top podcasts of 2020, and you really need to listen to it! Rebecca was on fire!
I’ve recently looked at the idea that “boys will want to push your sexual boundaries.” We talked about sexual assault in the church, and I wanted to end with this.
When my stumbling block posts on Facebook went viral, so many women shared heartbreaking stories.
It consumed all my attention for several days, as more and more women shared their heartbreak and betrayal.
I didn’t know what to do with all of their stories. But I thought that perhaps I’d just collect some in this post, as a way to say “thank you for sharing this with me” and “this matters.”
Here, then, is what girls were wearing when they were harrassed/assaulted/leered at:
When I was told inappropriate things about my body
3-year-old
She was told to “cover up her mystery.”
7-year-old: Wearing a shin-length floral dress
She was told she had great legs and when she was older she’d have to cover them up.
13-year-old: Wearing normal Sunday dresses
Her father told her that she’d have to wear looser dresses because an adult man was attracted and distracted by her developing breasts.
19-year-old: harrassed by pastor
She was told that he didn’t “feel that way” about his wife, implying that he did “feel that way” about her. He was later discovered to have had an inappropriate relationship with a 16-year-old congregant (aka clergy sexual abuse).
16-year-old: waist-high mom jeans and a Northern Reflections sweatshirt
Was told by her youth pastor that he lusted after her, and was asked for forgiveness.
14-year-old
Told by a married man that her figure was adorable, “just like a Barbie.”
15-year-old: Wearing very modest fundamentalist Baptist clothing
Her music minister took the youth group out to Dairy Queen and played “You Sexy Thing” on the jukebox. He told her he played it for her.
Young Adult: Mid-length floral high necked dress, gathered at the waist
She walked past elder passing out bulletins. He approached her from behind saying he hadn’t given her one because he was busy watching her walk in that sexy pink dress. She never wore that dress again.
What were you wearing when you were warned by church leaders that your body was a stumbling block?
13-year-old: jeans and a baggy t-shirt
She was told at church that it was good of her to dress so modestly, especially since she had “such a sweet well-formed figure.”
All through childhood/teenage years: Jeans and a baggy t-shirt
All of us girls were made to understand that if we didn’t wear a skirt or dress, the men would stumble and be looking at our butts. The guys were allowed to go shirtless at outdoor summer church events, but girls couldn’t wear shorts above the knees.
13-year-old: Wearing skirt past knees and modest tops
An elder visited her and her friends at their houses to tell them to dress differently because an older man was stumbling over them. She didn’t know who, so she felt self conscious and distrustful towards all the guys in church
14-year-old: At a youth rally at John Piper’s church
The youth leader told the girls that their bodies were meatsuits, lust factories for boys around them.
15-year-old: Wearing jeans, baggy t-shirt, and sneakers
Was told by the worship leader not to move at all during worship because her butt was too distracting. It took five years to feel comfortable even slightly raising her hands during worship after that.
14-year-old: Wearing baggy shorts, full strap, non-tight tank top, all within dress code
Was at a summer Bible camp, and was told she needed to change her clothes because she was making someone feel uncomfortable. She felt disgusted that a grown man had been looking at her body and felt unable to control himself.
14-year-old:
She was told at morning service to put her hair up because it was distracting for the guys.
What were you wearing when you were sexually assaulted?
Many women left stories of being sexually assaulted, primarily by youth leaders or elders/deacons in the church, but most didn’t say what they were wearing. Here are two that did:
Child: Wearing long dresses, long sleeves, high neckline, bloomers under
Was raped repeatedly by someone at church throughout childhood.
14-year-old: Dressed like a normal teenage girl
Was assaulted by the youth pastor.
So many women left heartbreaking stories. Connor went through all the viral Facebook posts for me and pulled some out and put them in a Google doc for me. As he did, he left some comments on the margins. He found the whole job rather disturbing:
This really isn’t okay.
If you have a story like this…
Please know, I am so, so sorry. This was wrong. You should never have been subjected to this. You are not dangerous or evil just because you have a female body. I’m sorry.
And if your story is one of sexual assault, I am doubly sorry.
If this many women remember…think about how traumatic this is
The emotion coming out from women telling stories that happened when they were 13 or 14 is so sobering. This stuff sticks with you. It taints your view of the male gender, or sex, and of your body. It makes you feel disgusting and dirty. And it has long lasting repercussions.
If people in your church talk about women being stumbling blocks…
Then that church is not safe for your children or for other people’s children.
She Deserves Better!
Because we all deserve a big faith.
Your daughter deserves better than what you likely grew up with in church.
What would it look like to prepare the next generation without toxic teachings about modesty, sex, or consent, and instead set her up for a big faith?
Men, has your wife experienced this?
Check in with her. Ask her. This could be a moment to really connect and understand why certain things hurt her so deeply.
Please speak up whenever you hear anyone blame a woman, let alone a child, for causing someone to stumble.
This will only end when blaming the woman is no longer acceptable. The elders and pastors who told girls to change because a faceless adult man was being distracted/lusting is just disgusting. So he is the one sinning, and she is the one made to feel the shame.
That’s wrong.
That’s sin.
That’s not of Jesus.
It will only stop when we refuse to shame women, but shame the men (and the women) instead who try to blame the girl. It should be completely unacceptable to do this.
Download Our Marriage Survey
Join 40,00 others and let's change the evangelical conversation about sex
Next time someone asks, “but what was she wearing?”, point them to this post.
Most men do not think this way. There is nothing about being male that makes someone lust after young teenagers, let alone children. Don’t demean men by believing that. Let’s not think that the most extreme sex addictions are normal male behaviour. They are not. Men are better than this. And if we start calling men to more, then we will be able to recognize the red flags in our midst.
This message that “boys will be boys” may be a message that is hurting your marriage and sex life now.
If you have a story like one of these, that may have affected you profoundly, even if it was only an off-handed comment when you were young. It’s traumatizing and it sits with you. If you’re wondering if that’s the root of some of your problems, you may really enjoy reading The Great Sex Rescue! You’ll feel validated and heard. And you’ll find you’re not alone, too!
What’s the endgame here?
Men (who are the only people in the church who are qualified to teach because of course) push ferociously to make the most egregious, most un-self-controlled, most unchristlike behavior of themselves and their fellow men seem normal and even expected. (I guess having a penis really does short-circuit one’s thinking ability, but I digress.)
If a woman finds herself in a dating relationship with a man who “isn’t quite that bad,” she’s supposed to be grateful and snatch him up as soon as possible.
Then when his mask slips, as it inevitably will, and supposing she has the temerity to even ask a question about how he’s behaving and whether it comports with the Jesus he claims to follow, he gets to be the sole judge of which partner’s behavior is sinful. And lo and behold, guess which way he’ll adjudicate the matter?
Combined with the whole “a Christian woman’s greatest mission in life is to be a wife and mother,” women who say “no thanks” to the whole marriage and even church thing are now doubly sinful! How could women be so unwilling to be so dismissed In their churches and potentially in their own homes by husbands who can’t be expected to treat their wives as actual human beings rather than as a household appliance that exists solely to make the men’s lives easier? There’s holiness in suffering! (But only for women.) How could women want to be sooooo out of God’s will for women?
Men, meanwhile, get to ignore all those “one another” verses and some pretty clear words by Jesus as they choose to live their lives any way they want with complete impunity from other men and even the church.
Yeah, 🤬 that 🤬.
(Obligatory not all men and not all churches caveat. 🙄 )
I believe that easy believism + hierarchy = hypocrisy.
On the other hand, if we are all co-laborers serving one master, Jesus, then we are enjoying a condition of moral egalitarianis. If that is so, then we have justice.
But if we have justice, then we don’t have easy believism for abusers. By easy believism I mean cheap grace and instant powdered forgiveness.
Notice that P. Diddy talked about grace for himself after getting caught and facing potential accountability. I thought to myself, he would make a very good celebrity pastor. He’s got it all down pat: power, money, sex…and cheap grace for himself when he gets caught. Now all he needs to do is to put some Christian lyrics to that same music he promotes already. He could be the most successful celebrity pastor ever.
Yeah, I wore jeans and baggy t-shirts/sweatshirts all throughout youth group (while I attended there were not many girls but lots of boys) because I was afraid of them (not of making them sin; I was afraid of how I’d been told they were looking at me). After being picked up by much larger, older guys a handful of times (during which time they definitely “accidentally” groped me), as well as getting cornered a few times by some of them, I began to wear my heeled cowgirl boots to youth group. One of those times was during a youth trip to the beach, and I was in a swimsuit. It was extremely unnerving and I didn’t even have the context or language to express my discomfort, and I didn’t tell anyone else about it for a long time.
When I was 14, I did end up using them to kick one of those guys first in the knee, then the groin when he touched me against my will for the third time after I’d repeatedly warned him what I was going to do if he did. (The context of this was a game of pickup basketball with 3-4 other youth group students, who watched as this happened. I don’t blame them for just standing by, but it was really sad at the time that no one stood up for me.) He was so shocked that I fought back that he let go, and I was able to use some basic self-defense to get him on the ground and restrained while I called my mom, who was a youth leader (she was inside at a youth leader’s meeting). Needless to say, my mom did not let me out of her sight at youth group after that, and the church took disciplinary action against that boy and his older brother for a whole collection of sexual-assualt-related incidents that came to light not long after my experience. Doesn’t undo the damage, though. While I did enjoy some of my youth group experiences, I think it caused me a lot more harm than good.
My bible study leader called me on the phone to say I needed to be sure to nurse my baby in a separate room from the group (we met in each other’s homes, and no one had ever offered me another room to use) because “all the men” had complained about me nursing. Not me exposing myself, which I was careful not to do, but just the fact of me nursing my infant in the same room as them. I still feel sick to my stomach when I remember it. But I also wonder if “all” the men really complained, or if just her husband had a problem with it and she was covering for him. I never felt comfortable with that group after that, unsurprisingly. And it makes me really angry, on behalf of my younger, struggling as a new mom self, that I was treated that way.
That is so messed up; I’m so sorry you went through that.
The way our society treats nursing moms just sucks (no pun intended!)
I loved visiting a third world country where the moms just whipped it our when their babies were hungry and no one batted at eye. That is definitely more healthy than what we have to deal with!
When I was 6, while at a home group, I lifted my shirt up to copy some little twin boys doing the same thing. I am autistic so often imitated people as a child to figure out social situations.
The mom of the boys immediately shamed me for lifting my shirt. I can still feel the sting of her tone even today, and I am in my 30’s.
Oh, I’m so sorry! I can imagine the shame.
The good news is that an increasing number of men are repenting of false doctrines about purity culture and headship doctrine and other harmful conservative evangelical doctrines. Bob Edwards, the author of A God I’d Like to Meet, blogged about the harm that purity culture has done and the psychology of men confusing “attentional capture” with the sin of lust. In his book he wrote about the influence of neo-Platonism on Christianity.
https://godaslove.wordpress.com/2015/02/01/modesty-and-the-lust-of-men/
This part is good:
Sadly, many men have never been taught to distinguish attraction from action, impulse from choice, temptation from sin. In fact, we have often been told that “sexual desire,” in and of itself, is the very definition of sin. Historically, this notion originates in the work of a 4th century Bishop named Augustine. In his mind, sexual desire was a manifestation of “indwelling sin.” A genuinely Christian man would have all such desires crucified and replaced with other-centered, non-sexual inclinations from the Holy Spirit. That sounds very “holy,” but it is frankly not human. Neither is it actually biblical. St. Augustine derived these views from his study of ascetic philosophy. He shares this openly in his book of Confessions. Sadly, his views on sin were adopted as orthodox theology by some notable Protestant reformers. This view of alleged holiness continues to be taught in many churches today. In my experience, these churches inevitably preach sermons on the importance of feminine modesty, so that a glimpse of the female form will not “cause” men to stumble. The author of this brand of holiness, St. Augustine, insisted that women be veiled in public.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I appreciate that you always share helpful resources.
I wonder if Augustine thought that way because he was reading 1 Corinthians 11 literally, as absolute truth. I have a handful of friends who adhere pretty strongly to Reformed (and also complementarian) theology, and they often cite “church fathers” or “church history” as the reason they believe what they do. While I recognize the value of understanding and parsing historical thought for some (often amazing!) truths about God and his heart for His church, I’ve always thought that the “church fathers” argument is a simple ethos fallacy (appeal to authority).
My reasoning for this is biblical: bad theology (including heresy) spread so quickly that most of the epistles (which are, ahem, in the Bible and were written very soon after Jesus’ resurrection and ascension) were written to correct and guide the early churches back toward correct, fruitful theology. If Christians were getting it that badly wrong while Peter and Paul were still alive, you can’t tell me that what Tertullian thought about the Trinity is more valid than what I think simply because he lived closer to the time of Jesus. Obviously he could be right or wrong about it for a plethora of other reasons, which is why evaluating theologies with our BRAINS ON is so important. It feels like common sense/logic goes out the window when people’s “favorite” saints get involved though (or if the bad theology conveniently aligns with their misogyny…). Building a whole, accurate, Jesus-centric theology is key to building a worldview that results in a truly Christlike life, and it frustrates me that this beautiful, messy, complicated process gets reduced to whether or not you agree with someone else. Argh.
So sorry for the rant this turned into, lol. And for the parentheticals! I really do speak in parenthetical statements in real life (so chaotic, I apologize. And there I go again)
Thank you, I’m happy if I could help anybody. No need to apologize, and I absolutely agree in regard to church fathers. They were Greco-Roman, gentile men. They did the best they knew how to do at the time.
But Jesus said in Matthew 23:9 to call no man father, for you have one Father, who is in Heaven. It was a statement regarding how spiritual authority is supposed to work in His kingdom, of course. It’s not about biological fathers, needless to say.
Calvinists have been quick to quote Matthew 23:9 against Catholics, but otherwise they have assiduously avoided it – along with most of the other sayings of Jesus.
HAHA! Yes, these are all really good thoughts. I have a lot of problems with much of what the church fathers wrote.
The “church fathers” were mostly Greek, not Hebrew… and it shows.
In the interest of being forward looking, I wonder if it is possible to develop resources for, say, 12-18 year old girls who ARE perhaps dressing in a way to try to attract attention to certain things.
I don’t mean in the way of saying “Just don’t do this.” I mean for those who may do so from a place of significant attachment wounding. The aim would be helping girls that age to learn about identifying, learning about, and healing, their attachment wounding (which is likely still ongoing) and how that lens affects (distorts) their growing sexuality.
I say this because I was aware of this at the time, and had absolutely no idea what to do about it, or where to turn for help. This wounding is what made me susceptible to advances by people who shouldn’t have made those advances.
The complete absence of light into this particular corner or intersection created a shame that I am still trying to undo. (I was a 13yo convert from an unstable background who landed straight into fundamentalist purity culture and embraced it, except for this one area where there was no light, and it got all twisted up inside me.)
I was inappropriately touched by an extended family member from the time I was 9 until age 21. As a child, I didn’t understand what was happening- I just knew it made me uncomfortable, and I tried to stay away from him. As a teen I began internalizing the church messages about modesty and lust. I was horrified to find out it was all my fault. I must have been wearing something provocative for this to happen. It stressed me out so badly that I became ultra conservative in my dress. I was already only wearing very modest dresses, but became more modest, more covered. And not only that, I became a wall flower- bland color and simple designs- nothing that would stand out. It upset me to think of any man looking at me. These and purity teachings really hurt me in my marriage. When I found Sheila’s books, I just sat there and cried. I felt heard and no longer alone. Finally I was able to understand where some of my struggles came from.
Thank you Sheila for all your work. So grateful.
as an aside my husband was inappropriately touched as a child by a member of the church. He admitted this after we had been married for some years and sex was always (and still is) a taboo subject. Sex being doled out once every 3 or 4 months when I was “good” (we married young at 21yrs old and have been married now for 38yrs… ALL of that time sex is taboo). What I’m saying is that this affects both sexes and has ongoing issues for the duration of your life if you don’t deal with it (husband has not).
Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s so tragic for everyone involved!