Reader Question: I’m Always Left Hanging in Bed

by | Mar 23, 2015 | Uncategorized | 67 comments

What do you do if your husband always leaves you hanging in bed? He’s satisfied, but you’re left frustrated?

Every Monday I like to answer a Reader Question, and today’s is about what happens when the husband always reaches orgasm but makes no effort to see that his wife does, too–leaving her very sexually unsatisfied.

A reader writes:

Reader Question: What do I do if my husband never tries to fulfill me sexually?

Reader Question

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. The first four years or so were pretty great sexually. We were even having simultaneous orgasms with intercourse without even really trying.

After the kids were born, I went into a period of refusing my husband. That lasted for pretty much 20 years. And to make things even worse I was self gratifying myself, even as I was refusing him.

I came to my senses 1.5 years ago. I wanted to save our marriage. So I decided to do everything I could to do that. And now we’ve discovered that I’m the high drive spouse!

I did a lot of reading of blogs and books and websites to do my best to learn how to please my husband. He’s a happy camper. But even as much as I really enjoy the time together, I still haven’t been able to have an orgasm. When we do have sex, it seems to end up being all about him. He doesn’t seem interested in making much of an effort to please me. He pretty much falls asleep right away a very happy camper. Meanwhile I lie awake just buzzing and unfulfilled physically. When I read on blog posts and online about how husband’s really love to see there wives get totally involved in love making, and how husbands really love to see there wives turned on and husband really love to please their wives and bring them to orgasm, it just breaks my heart. Because my husband doesn’t seem interested. Almost all of our sexual encounters end up with me frustrated and him happy.

I’ve had other variations on this same question, too. Sex is over with after five minutes, and he goes right to sleep and doesn’t seem to care that she is left unsatisfied.

So what do you do?

Understanding the Difference Between Men’s Orgasms and Women’s Orgasms

We often hear that men can climax so much faster than women, but that’s not entirely true. Studies show that when masturbating, for instance, both men and women can reach climax in about 2-3 minutes. Here’s my theory on that: it’s actually more difficult to figure out exactly WHERE and HOW to touch a woman to make her feel great than it is to touch a man. And for women, sex is primarily in our heads. During masturbation (which I am not recommending, by the way), women are already aroused and we know what feels good.

Good Girls Guide My SiteAnother reason: for women, most orgasms are clitoral in nature–even orgasms during intercourse. It’s his pelvic area rubbing against the clitoris during intercourse that helps push us over the edge (if you’re wondering about how to make this happen better, I’ve got lots of tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex). Researchers now believe that even G-spot orgasms are connected to the clitoris because the nerve endings connect between the two (and some people think the G-spot is just an extension of the clitoris).

So all that being said, it’s simply harder during intercourse for a woman to reach climax without exactly the right pressure in exactly the right place.

According to a Brown University fact page on female orgasm, on average, men take 2-3 minutes once intercourse starts, and women 10-20. That’s a big difference (now, men can last longer if they learn how and try; but those are averages). And some husbands just don’t last very long during sex!

Why Does Your Husband Not Care That You’re Sexually Unsatisfied?

So what do you do to ensure you get the time (and stimulation) you need? Sometimes it depends on why he doesn’t seem interesting in pleasuring her. In this case, for instance, is he resentful because of the years of her refusing sex, so he won’t put in the effort to satisfy her? Or is he getting older so lasting longer is harder–and he doesn’t want to talk about that? Does he just not care? Or is he oblivious to her needs, assuming she’s fine because she refused for so long?

I think in most cases it’s the last–he’s oblivious. Most spouses really do want the other spouse to be happy. So for most couples in this situation, the problem is likely that he just doesn’t know. If it’s something more sinister you really have that to deal with before you look at the orgasm issue. So let’s assume, just for now, that it is ignorance. Then what?

I have four suggestions that may work to help you feel more satisfied with lovemaking, but not all will be applicable in every marriage. Pick the one that works best for you!

1. Talk To Him About the Fact That You’re Sexually Frustrated

Often we’re looking for a magic answer that solves the problem without us having to have an awkward conversation or open up a can of worms. But very rarely is there such an answer.

Usually you just have to talk. Pick a time that you’re not stressed, that you have a day stretching out before you, and most of all–when you’re not in the middle of having sex!

Phrase the problem as one you both have, not something that he is to blame for. For instance,

“I’ve been feeling unsatisfied with sex lately. Can we talk about how to make sure that it’s good for both of us?”

is better than,

“You always get to feel great while I’m left really frustrated, and it’s not fair!”

And ask for feedback from him, too. Chances are there are things you can do differently, too, and if he feels free to share things and you take them seriously, he’s more likely to listen to your thoughts. And if you think it would help, share with him this post on why women’s sexual pleasure really does matter. 

Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?

Want to try new things–but don’t know how to start?

No more wondering how to talk about what feels good or what you’d like to try. This fun challenge will get you talking and trying new things without the awkward.

2. Be More Dominant in Bed

No, I’m not talking about domination and submission here. I just mean that if you want to feel good, you may have to start taking a more active role in bed. If sex is something he primarily does while you lie there, that’s probably the hardest way to reach orgasm for a woman.

So you be the one to start the encounter with foreplay. Rub your body against his in a way that you like. Take his hand and put it where it needs to be. When intercourse starts, you be the one to choose the position. If you sense that he’s getting close before you are, stop for a minute and do something that feels good to you (like rubbing again) while he gets a chance to calm down. Sure, it’s a lot of work, but he’s more likely to see what it is you need, and you’re more likely to get it!

No one wants to be sexually unsatisfied in marriage.
Not when God made sex to be so wonderful.

3. Play Teacher

I really recommend this game to couples more often! Decide that you will play teacher and student (either on the same night or different nights). One night he gets to teach you how to make him feel great, and one night you teach him. And be as strict as you can! If it’s not exactly right, tell him. Order him around. But then let him do it to you on your night.

How this game works best: If you’re entirely out of character. If you act like yourself, but you’re just making suggestions, you’ll likely be too timid and he won’t take it as seriously. If, on the other hand, you both start acting more stern, it will be far funnier and more intense and you’ll feel less awkward.

I really do believe that most reasons that men don’t satisfy their wives is simply ignorance. Many men believe their own sexual response is the norm–fast, easy to achieve. So a woman should figure out how to become a man in bed, essentially. Men may not have articulated that, but that’s the thought. It doesn’t work! Let him see what it is like to make you feel good, and what it does take, and he may become more generous.

4. Have His and Her Nights

Finally, if he just doesn’t get that you need more time to be sexually satisfied, then suggest that you have “his” and “her” nights over the course of the month. Some nights can be just normal, but let’s say two Saturdays a month are her nights and two are his nights. And on her nights, you get to decide exactly what you want him to do. As long as it’s reciprocated on his nights, he may be more eager. And once he understands what you like and see the response it gets, he may be more likely to do some of these things on “normal” nights, too.

What if none of these things works? Then you really do have an issue with selfishness in your marriage, and that is what needs to be dealt with–not the sex. But I really think for most couples it’s usually ignorance–ignorance of how a woman’s body works, and ignorance that it’s actually bothering you. Men hear so much that women don’t enjoy sex, after all, that they may honestly think you don’t care and you’d rather have it over with quickly.

Look, no one wants to be sexually unsatisfied in marriage.

And you shouldn’t be! Not when God made sex to be so wonderful.

So talk to him, try some of these things, and give it some time. And hopefully pretty soon you’ll be satisfied in bed, too.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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67 Comments

  1. Matt B

    For me its a bit different. Whenever sex happens, which is not very often, my wife wants to rush while I like to take my time.

    Reply
    • TBG

      She may just not have the energy. It takes a lot of time and energy for me to get all into it. And, even when I don’t get all the way there, I still really do enjoy it and get pleasure from the sensations and closeness. So, yes, a lot of times I am just happy with a shorter time to just enjoy that closeness and the physical pleasure I still get.

      Reply
      • Matt B

        Maybe so, but she has quite a few medical problem too. But its frustrating because i’m stuck doing everything at home, while her and the kids is worth everything.

        My day start at 5am, I get my kids up and ready for school, I go to work at 7 and work until 5, then I get home and cook supper and wash clothes and dishes then clean up and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. Nothing else, it feels like I’m reliving the same day over and over (like Bill Murrey in Groundhog Day).

        Honestly I have stopped trying regarding intimacy. Cause I see no point in continuing to pursue her when I get constantly rejected or ignored.

        Reply
    • tl68

      We have a similiar issue…I want to speed things up and he wants to go slow….my problem with his version of slow and the tricks he’s trying? They don’t do anything for me…not fingers, not oral….so I’m sitting there thinking….”how much longer?”…that might not help you…just one woman’s thoughts.

      Reply
  2. Rachel DeVaughn

    Thank you for all your articles!! I really enjoy reading them!! I have your book too and my husband and I have started reading it together… I’m so glad I can come here to your website to read more about intimacy and sex!

    Reply
  3. B

    Talking about it was BIG help for me. Some nights I don’t know what I want, if I can’t figure it out, how can he!? So when I know I really need the satisfaction that night, I tell him beforehand. Also I have gotten more confident in telling him what I want when I do know. It doesn’t have to be a whole conversation, sometimes 1-2 words will do the trick.

    Also I found that I actually like being more dominant from time to time. I never would have thought it but by putting myself out there once and a while made a big difference.

    Reply
  4. anon

    Oral….that’s all I can say

    Reply
  5. MrsT

    This is a great article!! Sex became spectacular after we became better at communicating our wants and needs. In addition, I’ve had times that I had to take on a more dominant role to give my man an idea of what i enjoy and he does the same!!

    Reply
  6. Chuck

    Good suggestions Shelia! I would also recommend Yvonne Fulbright’s guide book, “Touch me there!” A guide to her HOT spots for all the men out there. If we don’t understand how she is wired and what turns her on, we are going to miss out on a lot of pleasure for our own viewing enjoyment!

    Reply
    • Tanya

      Just remember, jer pleasure is not priarily about you.

      Reply
  7. MT

    My thought on the above. You rejected him for 20 years (Note this cuts deep emotionally for guys). Worse is that you had physical needs but still rejected him. (Has he been told this? I don’t know if you should tell him at this time. To say I rejected you but took care of myself for the last 20 years would just reinforce the thoughts below.) Now in the last several months you decided to try and save the marriage (the marriage you were tearing down for 20 years). Editorial note – this sounds a bit narcissistic – all about you. Now for him – putting myself in his position. I’m guessing he stood before God and family and said til death do us part. Being rejected for 20 years he does not feel like a man but still has his word – something you can’t take from him. I hope this is the good news and he makes his word worth something. Now during these 20 years he has learned (by force) to shut down is libido – strike one. Also, in this time of rejection for him you went from loving wife to roommate/business partner status – strike two. Both of these are not good news for you. Now from the years you are talking he is close to Viagra time – strike three. 5 o’clock time to punch out – game over. Sorry but I have no words to tickle your ears. I also don’t think you “discovered” that you are the high drive spouse, I think you discovered he is destroyed. Sheila mentioned “Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages” – I don’t think this would apply to your situation. As for the 4 points – talking, dominant, play and nights – fine after a few years but not a few decades. I would say you need to get professional help and soon if you want to first stop the path you are going down then turn in the right direction. Talking will not fix 20 years over night. You can never get that time back and things will never be what they could have and should have been. But you may be able to save something. Now I’m sure there is more to the story than this – and I always state that a full discovery needs to be done before acting. I’m just talking as a guy who was close to going down that same path. Not as bad but close. Just don’t think you can fix 20 years of damage overnight just because he’s a guy and easy sexually. After 20 years there is a lot of trust, etc. you need to try to build back up.

    Reply
    • Ben hunter

      Spot on response. I am currently in my second year of marriage and “learning” to shut down my libido and desire for my wife.

      Reply
      • Female

        You know what i have noticed? My husband has said “we BOTH struggles with pure thoughts before marriage. Why has it changed?!” – his assumption is that it is me. It’s not. Song of Solomon speaks of passionate desire of spouses for each other…… women desire to BE WHOLLY desired. Not JUST for sex. So before marriage, my husband spent time and thought and effort pursuing my heart….. which did make me want to give myself to him….. but we waited. Over the years, his entitlement to sex and his laziness in relationship with me, combined with abuse and manipulation….(also HE let himself go (not me) has left me repulsed by sex….. and angry at well meaning believers who tell me to just suck it up and do it. I want to be happy in our marriage, but we are not going to get there by my single efforts any longer. Every time he pouts like a baby about sex instead of pursuing loving me as my man i throw up in my mouth. The ball is in his court….. and im prayerfully waiting.

        Reply
      • Richard

        Sorry to hear that.

        Reply
    • Jessica

      RT,

      Completely agree. To do that to someone for 5 years is sadistic and evil, let alone 20!

      He most likely resents her.
      I know I would.

      She owes him, big time.

      I would’ve left her a long time ago.

      Reply
      • Ed

        Being friends first is the first thing in a marriage. Being able to talk all things out is number one in any relationship. Good luck y’all.

        Reply
  8. Silvia

    I had a difficult time reaching climax our first year of marriage. I gave him permission to not worry about me reaching climax. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still really enjoy our “sessions”, but we wouldn’t worry about me climaxing. Thankfully, after I had our 1st baby, it became easier for me to finish. We’ve always tried to be very communicative about our sex lives and about what we expect from each other. We’ve gone through mountains (where we are together often and everything seems to work out wonderfully) and valleys (where either one of us was stuck in a rut and didn’t feel like having sex quite as often but we still did it to please the other) in our nearly 17 years together. We’ve tried not to refuse each other at all, although sometimes life just gets in the way. In the beginning, there were a few times I was unsatisfied and I’d end up very frustrated, angry, and resentful. I decided to let him know in a calm, assertive way when this would happen. From then on, he’s always tried to please me first. 🙂 I tell him not to worry about me SOMETIMES 😉 but he says it pleases him to please me. I’ve also told him that sometimes–not always, of course (because I take longer most of the time), it helps me to know he’s about to climax and that makes me climax. There have been a few times when he “accidentally” climaxes and he still takes the time to satisfy me some other way (and no, it’s not with sex toys). There have also been times when I tell him I’ve felt aroused while sleeping (I have no idea why that happens, but I wake up remembering), and he tells me that whenever that happens I should wake him up so that he may please me. I am one lucky gal! 🙂 I have to say communicating our needs is what has helped us the most to have a great sexual relationship.
    Blessings, and my prayers go out for all those going through a difficult season in their marriage.

    Reply
    • MomtoScarlett

      Silvia, this is exactly how my marriage is and I thank God that we worked things out when we were first married.

      Reply
  9. DebiHIS

    early on in our marraige, i would suggest ways to help me, but he wasn’t really interested, what he was doing was working for him. so the only way i could be happy was through oral sex. so i was only fulfilled when he felt like doing that.
    he has a very fragile ego, so talking about changing things would make him think he was failing, words of encouragement/affirmation are really important to him. so i learned to fake it when he was about done and i was not even close, lol, leaving me ‘wide awake’ while he happily slept. i would suggest techniques to prolong him, but he acted like there was nothing wrong, and nothing he could do about it, no control over his responses, so that tells me i better speed up or do without, lol.
    then midlife hit, first my libido flatlined, to where i didn’t even think about sex anymore, didn’t care if i got it or not, which greatly upset him, and after longer and longer times inbetween encounters to the point of 12 mos., he found someone who did want to be with him in bed :/ it has been through the grace of God that we have renewed our life together.
    now his libido is barely there, and mine came back! so now it’s my turn to be crawling out of my skin with raging hormones, and he could care less. the only sex he wants now is all the oral sex i would do on him, anytime i want to, lol leaving my happiness totally outta the picture, so we are at doing nothing…….and im going crAZZZY

    Reply
    • Matt B

      Sounds like your husband either has given up,have medical problems, still getting it elsewhere or are addicted to porn if he is rejecting you.

      Reply
  10. Lacey

    This particular woman sounds really selfish to me. She denied her husband for 20 long years, now decides to have sex with him, and then is frustrated that she doesn’t get ‘hers’. Rather than be upset that she isn’t getting fulfilled, she should be grateful this man has not up and left her or cheated on her, as other men in similar situations have. Starting with an attitude of thankfulness for having an apparently good man in her life should be step 1 for her. Then, building intimacy OUTSIDE of the bedroom (to show her husband that she does love and admire him, and is deeply remorseful for all the pain she has caused him by rejecting him for so long): giving him massages, fixing his favorite foods, telling him what a good man he is, how attractive you think he is, complimenting him for taking care of his responsibilities, as so many men just don’t. Stop thinking of YOURSELF and YOUR NEEDS! Instead, be mindful of his. If he begins to soften to you outside the bedroom, then maybe you can take the initiative to show him how much you love him in the bedroom. Make that intimate, soulful connection first. Find out what makes him work and tick like Shelia was talking about. If he can forgive you, let all the hurt you’ve caused him go, and began to love you again, then he will reciprocate in pleasing you.

    Fix yourself first!

    Reply
  11. SomeoneElsesBigGuy

    I would ask this women “Have you told him what you are doing? Have you told him what you DID to him for 20 years?”

    Much as I would like to smack any man who leaves his wife hanging like this, I feel like there may be something we don’t know, and that discomfort is expressed in many of the comments from men: after 20 years, don’t expect a miraculous turn around.

    I am still waiting, God willing, for our turn around. I am still engaged in the marriage and have not given up even through the pain. I could have, I could have killed off my libido in a fit of self pity and despair, but I haven’t (yet). Many men don’t last that long.

    The poison here is that she was self gratifying rather than working on the marriage. This wasn’t about refusing sex, it was about refusing her husband and many levels.

    Reply
  12. Steve

    How truly tragic it is that as Christians we have bought into the great lie of weaponizing sex and rejecting our spouse. Our bodies are not ours; they belong to Christ, and when we marry, it is our gift to our mate. My wife rejected me for over twelve years. I shed many tears as she felt powerless to change. Anger and resentment grew increasingly over the years filled with broken promises. But Jesus prevailed and is always faithful to those who remain faithful to Him and our vows. My wife was set free then spent as much time as needed to help restore my heart and trust. I had to forgive and forget the rejections and understand that we have the power of restoration in Christ if we truly repent and forgive. Our marriage is till a work in progress, even after twenty-two years, but we are stronger, more in love, and our intimacy (spiritual, emotional, physical and sexual) is better that ever. My encouragement to any couple caught in this bondage is to pray and fast, repent when God convicts, forgive, and be willing to have Jesus restore you and your marriage for His glory. In Christ, it is never too late.

    Reply
  13. Anne George

    Please, help me, as a Christian I got married without premarital sex with my husband. After we oue marriage I discovered my husband has a very small and short penis of about 3cm long when erected, it doesn’t even penetrate me added to this no testicles. I couldn’t help I got involved in several acts of adultery, left that turned to pornography left it for years recently I watched it again…….Please I desperately need help

    Reply
    • Steve

      Anne, I am so sorry to read of your and your husband’s struggles, and how tragic that he was unable to communicate his health issue, called micropenis, to you prior to marriage. However, there may be hope. You didn’t mention whether you and your husband met with a Urologist. There may be surgical options available for his condition. I would also recommend looking into seeing a CHRISTIAN Sex Therapist, if one is available in your area. In addition, I would strongly recommend meeting with a well-qualified Christian family counselor/therapist to help you and your husband with your disappointments. I am praying for you and ask all readers of this blog to lift Anne and her husband up in prayer and fasting. Do not lose heart, Anne; Jesus still answers prayers.

      Reply
    • Steve

      Anne, as a follow-up, I would also highly recommend that you seek a women’s only support group for women whose husbands are disabled, or have penile amputation, and are unable to have intercourse. You will find encouragement with women who have walked a similar path. If one is not available at a local church, you can contact hospitals and mental health services in your area for a referral. God bless.

      Reply
      • Sheila

        Hi Anne, just saw this now! I think Steve has some great suggestions, and I would definitely follow them. I believe that there are surgical options for this, and that would boost not only the physical side of your sex life but also the mental and emotional side. But he really needs to see a doctor and get this looked at. I pray that you will get help!

        Reply
        • Matt B

          So what suggestion do you give to husbands who’s wife doesn’t want to or can’t have sex and the husbands have unfulfilling sex lives?

          Reply
          • Steve

            Matt, if you read all three of my posts, particularly dated 31 March 2015, you may find a few answers. As I stated, we went TWELVE YEARS without any real sexual intimacy. As with Anne’s comment, you did not state anything about your spouse… Has she seen a doctor to be tested for a possible underlying medical condition? Has she seen a therapist? Was she ever sexually assaulted? Have you or her been unfaithful? Again, depending on your situation, I would seek the Lord with fasting and prayer and encourage you and your wife to meet with a doctor and a therapist. I know personally that the Lord can turn hopeless situations around for His glory. I’m praying for you!

  14. Leigh

    Good ideas for those “clueless” situations. But you ignored the actual question – what can we do when he does not care?

    After spending 10years doing all of the above, with no improvement, I can only accept that he does not care.

    Reply
    • Sheila

      Leigh, I’m so sorry. For most men, bringing their wives pleasure honestly is important. If he truly doesn’t care, then the issue actually isn’t a sexual one. It’s really a character issue that does need to be dealt with. Have you ever considered going to a counselor or talking to someone else? If there’s honestly contempt from him to you, then that needs to be talked about, usually with some help. For most people, though, it really isn’t an issue of contempt but just misunderstanding, bad habits, and bad communication. I really hope that’s all it is!

      Reply
  15. mian

    Hi Anne, sorry to hear about your situation, I also strongly encourage your husband to see his GP for a Urologist referral or preferably one with special interest in treating micropenis. I believe its stillpossible to achieve intercourse with this size. I will search the subject more deeply and write again if I find more useful info. Good luck

    Reply
    • Angela Coleman

      I have been married to my husband for seven years. Our sex life was not great before we got married but disappeared altogether once we were married. For five years I felt that something inside me had died. I ended up on antidepressants. We then moved house and my new doctor refused to prescribe any further antidepressants. I had also gone through the menopause during this period. My own libido has returned and we have constant fights about sex. I am so tired of being physically rejected. I am so fed up about being made to feel guilty about having sexual feelings. I have invested so much in this relationship, but as a woman, I would like a man to pursue and desire me. The only way I have any sex is if I initiate and I am knocked back fifty percent of the time. I have developed feelings for someone else who I see at dance class and fantacise about that person so much that I feel too embarrassed about going to the class. Needless to say, that when we do have sex it is generally the result of an argument. I can never relax or feel satisfied.

      Reply
  16. Kay

    My husband is 50 and I am 30. Together for 12 years and sex is really going downhill. We used to be in sync and lately he promises to finish me and then always falls asleep or some other excuse. He does not work. I am working. He stays home with children like I used to. I know age is a factor but why does he promise me and then never follows through? We have no option of counselling financially or location wise. I’m becoming bitter and I’m scared of even trying to have sex because it’s barely ever pleasing for me. One sided at best in his favor.

    Reply
    • Steve

      Kay, has he had a medical exam? Tested for low-T (testosterone)? Thyroid level? Men his age typically have reduced energy levels due to the above factors, and these left untreated often lead to depression and disinterest in sex or dissatisfaction of sex for their wives. Concerning counseling, are there no mental health services in your area? A trusted physician? Hospital? Many mental health services provide counseling on a financial sliding scale, even free if you qualify. I have RARELY come across a husband or wife who do not care about their spouse’s sexual satisfaction; there is usually an underlying factor, whether spiritual, emotional or physical. Please do not give up, please consult with your doctor to ensure your and your husband’s health and well-being. I am praying for you!

      Reply
      • Kay

        Than you Steve. It’s an interesting time we are in as we have no one to babysit and even do not have a doctor as we have recently moved across country.
        I know God has us in His hands. I have found some other links to share with my husband and I am going to read some of Sheilas posts with him as well. He is wanting to do things differently as it used to be. Hopefully we will make beautiful music together again soon.

        Reply
    • Steve

      Kay, on a practical note, I would encourage you to discuss these issues with your husband, if you have not done so, then take more of a leadership role in your love-making, incorporating your satisfaction needs into your foreplay prior to the act of making love. As I began to have health issues, my wife and I discussed and made changes to our love-making, taking care of all of her needs first, then ours together. We can adapt when we love, cherish and honor our spouses, and when we have honest conversations. Simply put, be honest and tell him, in your own words, you need your needs met as part of love-making first, then together. Then the final intimacy will be far more meaningful for both of you. Again, praying for you.

      Reply
  17. Leigh

    But what do you do when it IS selfishness? When you’d tried talking, taking the lead, teaching, even begging. Even therapy.

    Then what? Just learn to live with bad sex? Work on the friendship and pray away sexual feelings?

    Reply
  18. Mansi

    My marriage is 1 n half yr old n in dis qhole period v had sex for abt 6-7 times tht beevn whn i insist my husband for that.. nw v r having a 4 mnth baby still d same condition.. some time i feel tht i need to beg for sex every time due to dis i got frustate what to do toget rid of dis frustation..

    Reply
  19. Emily Bautista

    Long story short ..me and my husband are newlyweds i am a christian but sadly still a sinner and we slept together before we got married.
    Im wo frustrated, hurt and cry alot..he always finishes and literally within 45 seconds or less then a min every single time..im just getting warmed up while hes ending.
    He never has fourplay with me, never tells me anything romantic . He doesnt do anything special and never has. Ive told him millions of times what i need from him. He wont give it to me :'( i dont know what to do. He says he cares and he still loves me but doesnt prove it. I literally do anything he asks,but i get nothing in return. My heart is hurting and not just beacause of this but i have fallen into depression. We have 4 kids my youngest is 7mo old. We usually can have sex every night when kids are asleep, and some times i get excited thinking my husband will help e relive mlsome anxiety and stress..but i always fool myself thinking that.
    Its 4:06 am right now i cant sleep tonight..plus i woke him up to try and get some (for myself) and once again like 30 seconds later hes done and im asking if he will help me get to climax. He always says yes, but he doesnt seem to grasp how hard it is to orgasm with a soft penis. I want to give up..
    Im only 28 hes thd same age, why can’t we have full filling sex for both of us!? Hes asleep and im crying because im so tired of never being thought of or considered of. Im always last no matter the situation. Not to mention when i say i have absolutely no friends i mean that. So im sexually frustrated,depressed, stressed,stay at home mom,no love from hubby,midlife crisis,no friends, noone to talk to at all and i dont know what to do. If anyone maybe has some tips for me id be truly grateful.
    Ps
    My hubbs is mexican.

    Reply
  20. Suzanne Lindaman

    My husband and I married later in life, mid-40’s. Neither of us had been married before, he had had relationships but I was a virgin. We decided to wait until marriage to be intimate and have now been married for three years. We have never had sex in the conventional way, we are both overweight. I have to initiate most encounters and have talked to him about it repeatedly. Lately what intimacy we have had has been very one sided. He gets satisfaction but barely touches me. I am at my wits end! He is apologetic when we talk, but nothing changes. I think I am going to move into the spare bedroom.

    Reply
    • Sheila

      Oh, Suzanne, I’m so sorry! Have you tried working through something like 31 Days to Great Sex? Sometimes we talk, but we don’t actually know what to do. This can help you on a step by step basis make sex feel great for BOTH of you. Maybe that will help?

      Reply
  21. sarah

    i know how some of the women who have commented here feel i have been with my guy. for 15 years we used to have fun back when i was 16 now after 4 kids a set of twin boys and two girls and another baby due in november i find that even though he works and i stay home he only worries about his ow climax it’s frustrating yes but i dont love him any less always makes me wish i was young again even at only 28 i feel sexually starved he gets off in less then 3 min then im left feeling like i gave him what he wants and i get nothing he always says things like ill do more later or dont worry we will use the lube some other time lol i think like when bacon grows wings unhappy in michigan any suggestions?

    Reply
  22. Jen

    Hi I am with my husband for fifteen years, but I am been sexually deprived. We makes sex once in a month whenever he wanted but when I wanted it he just I ignore my needs. And sex with him is so boring usually he will just makes sex in lazy position at all times. He don’t even practice foreplay or oral he never makes loves making kisses caresses and all that most of the times sex with him is quick within minute he is orgarmsium living me with no satisfaction. Whenever I told him he just ignore and keep doing it again. Am frustrated and angry with him in me there is a grudge in my heart and I feel distanced from him. Please advices.

    Reply
    • Rose

      HI there,sound’s somewhat like my husband. Maybe he gets to comfortable yout guys are together for a long time.I’ll say spice it up ah bit.rearrange the bedroom,eg lit candles,change the sheets to a more sensual look,silk maybe pink or red make it your choice.suprissed him dressed up in a sexy night gown,spray some mist.add some music to.offer massage.see how it works

      Reply
  23. Rose

    My husband to me is using sex as revenge to hurt me. I could be wrong but doubt it.he always seems to have an orgasm once or twice while am left feeling unsatisfied. He never seems to care how I feel.when I confronted him he would say he’s working hard at work or my vagina is very sweet and he can’t hold it for to long.what I don’t understand is that I always told him please don’t leave me unsatisfied you always do.he swear to me won’t.example we made love last night he orgasm I didn’t ,I almost reach orgasm then he stops,I was so mad. Couple of hours we were back at it again.he promises and when am about to have my orgasm he stop because he had his again and I didnt.to my suprissed he was happy and relax falling asleep knowing how I feel,doesn’t seem to care. This is not the first time.4 years of marriage, this been going on for 3 years.when I do something he’s not approved of he never let me have an orgasm. When we having sex and I feel good feeling like orgasm is getting close he would pull out,change position,do anything to distract me.one day I ask how you know when am about to come, replied am an experienced man I can feel the difference inside I know when you’re close to come.it sucks he always distract me and before you know it its hard for me to reach that stage again.cheating and devouring him have crossed my mind. I think devouring is better,I don’t want to cheat and come home to him.I rather he goes. It’s that bad really bad.I end up with terrible headache, belly pain,emotionally stressed.please helped me ladies am at my breaking point.

    Reply
    • Sheila

      Hi Rose,

      I’m so sorry that you’re so frustrated! Have you talked to him about this specifically? Sometimes men are just super satisfied after sex and on a hormonal high and they honestly don’t understand how we feel. Have you told him–right after you have sex–“How about helping me to finish now?” It could honestly be that he doesn’t know. Or it could be that he suffers from premature ejaculation and can’t wait. I don’t know.

      If he honestly is deliberately distracting you when you’re close, then I’d ask him about it–right at the time. And if he refuses to answer, then while you’re making love, if he starts changing as soon as you’re close, then why don’t you just stop making love and say, “I think that you’re deliberately robbing me of pleasure, and I’m not going to put it up with that. We need to talk about this and I’m not satisfied making love to you when you deliberately make sure that I’m not happy.”

      If he seriously is depriving you of pleasure, then the issue is about something far more than sex. The issue is about control and power, and that is seriously dangerous, and could mean that he has a personality disorder and needs to see a psychiatrist. But that honestly is very rare. So I wonder if it’s simply that he really doesn’t know what’s going on in your head? I’d try being very direct and very frank and seeing what happens!

      Reply
  24. Rose

    I meant devorce him instead of cheating.I love him never cheeted,don’t believe in cheating,I rather let him go.help me please

    Reply
  25. Bill @ wealth well done

    I just want to encourage you to keep writing about this stuff. Physical love is so important when creating a healthy mairrage, and we need more happy marriages to lead our communities. It all starts with learning about, and serving each other more. Make love with each other. Share the love we make in our marriage with the world to help others. I write about purpose, wealth, and holy-Spirit-inspired happiness at http://wealthwelldone.com
    Please check it out if you’d like to learn more about me.

    Reply
  26. Judy

    Not having sex with your spouse for twenty years is nothing short of abusive…there’s no excuse for this. Sex is not a luxury, it is a need. If a husband or wife refuses to meet that need, and refuses to get help or even acknowledge that this is a problem, the vows are broken and the rejected partner has every right to move on.

    Reply
  27. Dani

    To the reader’s question, I would say that it’s definitely going to take a lot of time to heal. It’s going to take a lot of time to fix that. I wouldn’t say you should stop trying or expect to never be satisfied again, but be thankful that he hasn’t left during that time, and that he’s willing to work with you, keep working on it and it will get better with time. Don’t expect 20 years of damage to be fixed in 1.5 or even 2.5 years. Glad you are working on it.

    For the people who are looking for advice on how to be able to climax as well, I definitely think Sheila is right, you may have to be the teacher and take charge. Grab his hand and show him what to do. Make sure you TELL him what feels great when it’s happening. Don’t be afraid to say “slow down” or “faster.” Short sentences that don’t need elaboration are a lot easier to say than some kind of long explanation. Ask or insist to be on top so you can have more say. If you know it’s coming soon for him, get off for a little bit while he catches a breath. I read somewhere that a quick tug on the testicles can be enough to slow him down, but it should still be gentle…I’ve found that it helps if I absolutely “need” him to slow down.

    I can’t claim to have had any major troubles in bed in our marriage of 9.5 years, but the first 4 were definitely a learning experience for us. We had been working on improving things, but two babies and two miscarriages during that time slowed our progress a bit. By the 4th year, we saw great improvement, and now it’s something we just continue to grow with. There’s always something new to learn, as we grow older and our bodies change (from kids or otherwise), our needs change and we need to adapt.

    Reply
  28. Fian

    I have a different issue. My wife is the selfish one. She reaches climax 33-50% of the time, and if she doesn’t reach it, she becomes very angry and it lasts for days. She is on top and we do whatever she wants. It is at the point now where we are both afraid of sex because of the fights later.

    I am 45 and do have low testosterone. I could take medication to raise it, but to be honest the last thing I want to do is want sex more and have more fights over it. I did offer to take the medicine if she agreed to not make her climax a requirement, and she refused.

    The crux of the matter is she thinks that if she fails to have climax it must be because I am not trying.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, that’s really tough! It sounds like it’s causing a lot of tension in your marriage. When I see that happening, I often advise couples to work more on the friendship side and doing things together side of their marriage. When you’re able just to chat and laugh, it’s much easier to talk about the big problems in marriage. When you don’t just chat and laugh, then it’s like the big problems become huge. So if you have a big block in the bedroom (which you do), maybe you should try spending more time together outside the bedroom to help bring the tension level down? I hope that helps!

      Reply
  29. basha

    really it is a good page for couples who are not satisfied with each other. please suggest more remedies for a better understanding with each other and how to take her to orgasm earlier than her husband.

    Reply
  30. Tesola

    Im a christian lady and married my hubby a virgin… we av been married 9.5years now and not once have i reached climax during sex with my hubby…
    He seem not to be happy about this fact and even asked if i was circumcised(we are africans) as a child and maybe dt was why i was couldnt climax.. i asked my mother and she said no i wasn’t. I finally told him not to worry about me and just enjoy himself to diffuse the tension of trying to please me in foreplay which just wasn’t working for me.
    At a point i was wandering maybe my hubby just lacked the skill to arouse me physical when making love.. i wouldn’t know cos i have never been with any other man and do not know what to expect.
    @ some point i learnd about masturbation and discover that i can actually climax. But ive heard that masturbation is not the right way to go as a christian. So most times i do my best to resist the temptation to masturbate whenever i feel sexual tension.. i try to distract my mind from it but sometimes i do succumb to it just to relieve the builtup sexual tension.
    I av come to the conclusion that my hubby and i are just not sexually compatible and this is affecting other areas of our lives.i discovered in between that my hubby has been cheating on me. Maybe because of my disinterest in sex i noticed that sometimes months will go by and he will not initiate sex and i didnt mind cause it has become a chore for me though i av never refused him anytime he reaches out except on legitimate health reason which is very rare..
    I have since forgiven him but now it seems i just dont care if he cheats or not if it will keep him from me as much as possible cos it has gotten to the stage that i feel cheap and used after we have sex and have a deepseated believe that he was only making love with me out of obligation and not desire for my person… im totally @ loss on what to do now other than pray as i have been doing and hoping that God will transform my marraige in all way.
    Please pray for my marraige cos i do not want to live in sin ( resign to masturbating to fulfilling my sexual needs)

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Hi Tesola,

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I’m especially sorry that your husband has been cheating! That’s so sad, and it really needs to stop. You could also get a disease from him cheating, and it’s really dangerous, so I’d advise talking to your church and asking a good Christian man to come alongside him and tell him to stop!

      As to what to do about sex, if you can climax when you stimulate yourself, there is no reason that he can’t help you, too. Many women have a VERY hard time climaxing during intercourse; it’s much easier to reach climax while he’s stimulating you either with his hands or his mouth. And it’s not fair if he doesn’t try. So I would tell him that you absolutely can reach climax and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just that you need to help each other!

      It’s not that you’re sexually incompatible; it’s that you haven’t figured this out together yet. Tell him that you do want to have amazing sex with him, but women work differently than men. Women need to be touched a lot first; for us intercourse isn’t the main thing. And he can totally learn how to please a woman; you’re happy to show him. But you need to figure this out together!

      Reply
      • Olayemi Kuti

        Tnx so much for you response. On the issue of cheating. He has apologized and seem to be repentant…but who knows the heart of a man except God.

        About him stimulating me during sex.. we av tried (with his hands. I dont think he will ever want to use his mouth) but he just doesnt get it.. he is always touching the wrong places like he doesnt know wr the clitoris is..& even wn i try to direct his hand it is either too hard or hardly touching dt i just give up… I’m afraid he will feel low if i tell him to go and read up on how to please a woman…he has had many affairs.. one wld expect he is well learned in dt area… except he is the type of man who just likes to receive pleasure and not give it.

        Reply
  31. Rose

    I always thought being in a relationship will take the stress out to find a sexual partner. I thought wrong. I get less sex than I did when I was single. Not only that but I was more satisfy with it. A LOT MORE. I mean I feel like he just does it to bust, to get himself off. He is so selfish in bed. It’s like he forgets I have my needs too. He doesn’t even go down on me and I don’t go down on him because he doesn’t like the fact he can’t kiss me after I give him oral so I just never do it. And oral is something that I enjoy alot. I have settled to a lot of his ways but I feel like I am the only making on the sacrifices. I am sexually frustrated ALL THE TIME. I think about cheating. Having someone on the side to get me off. Because beside the sexual side. He is a great man and father. I just don’t know if I can keep being unsatisfy for the rest of our lives. No good sex for me makes me sooo moody and just plain mean. I hate being moody and mean. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      I’m so sorry, Rose! that sounds really difficult. Honestly I’d just suggest going through the strategies lined up in this post–communicating about what you need in a productive way (not “you’re never able to satisfy me”–that’s not gonna help anyone, something more like, “I want to have awesome sex in our marriage, and these are the kinds of things that will help me get there, can we do that more often?” and then actually listening to his responses so you can have a discussion) can often make a huge difference. I’d just suggest taking the 4 strategies here and trying them out, and seeing if you can get anywhere with your husband.

      Reply
  32. Darla kerns

    I have been searching the internet for answers when I came upon your site what I have been reading has been very interesting I have been married for 36 years and in all that time I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm always been shy in regards to sex and not sure how to ask my husband what I need to find that excitement . For the last 11 years we /I have been under tremendous stress taking care of parents in our home. I didn’t want to be “bothered” just get it done so I can be left alone. Communication has never been good between us. I always felt he is jealous and wanting like a child of my time which left me totally drained both physically and mentally. He has been to he has been to strip or dance clubs watched porn and always left me wondering why he needed that. I don’t know how to ask for sex how to let him know what feels good he touches me in places and it doesn’t feel good sometime within the last year he went to a bar met another woman and had an emotional affair with this person he continues to tell me there was nothing as far as sexual I don’t know whether to believe that or not he also has some erectile dysfunction because we are both in our late 50’s he lied to me a few times before I found out about this cheating he also bought her gifts he lied to me a few times before I found out about this cheating he also bought her gifts we have been going to counseling but I feel that we need someone that is more of a sexual and marriage counselor combined I have tried to be more sexual with him he has purchased me a vibrator which I really don’t know how to use I don’t know if it’s me or this relationship I’m still trying to get him to communicate and he doesn’t want to talk about the past he wants to move forward how do I learn to be comfortable with my body and learn to be a sexual

    Reply
  33. Leigh

    It seems like for this question – as for others I’ve read on your blog – rather than actually deal with the question askof d, you change the question. Instead of “what do I do when he doesn’t care about my satisfaction” , you dealt with “what if he just doesn’t know?”

    Not at all the same situation, and you do your readers a disservice when you just decide the question is wrong and change it.

    After 23 years, my hubs knows, he honestly does not care. That is a real thing that some wives have to face. You minimize us when you sidestep the actual question I. Favor of an easier one. You de-value our experience when we ask a legit question and you deliberately choose to ignore it.

    Reply
  34. Heather

    I have been married for a month and am already facing challenges in the bedroom. I am 43 and my husband is 54. I was a virgin when we married but he was not. I am the one who has initiated making love pretty much every time that we have done it. When I ask him about it he says that he doesn’t feel like it is fair that he is having an orgasm every time but I have not had one yet. He said he doesn’t want to feel like he is using me.
    I can appreciate the fact that it is upsetting to him that I am not finishing but I feel like this is something that will come in time and the answer is not to have less sex. I honestly don’t know how to deal with this. I never thought that when I got married I would barely be having sex one month in that my husband would make excuses for why he doesn’t want to be intimate. Please help!

    Reply
  35. D.A.

    I think it’s great to make married sex a ‘two-person job’. What I mean by that, is that if a woman just lies down and waits to be penetrated by her husband, it makes intimacy seem like it’s no more fun than doing dishes or laundry. Men aren’t hard-wired to understand what parts of us feel the most pleasure, and will assume we just don’t enjoy him! However, when the wife initiates (or at least engages in) fun foreplay – such as steamy kissing, groping each other or guiding his hands on her body, as well as ‘grinding’ each other, she is much more likely to not only be aroused enough to climax, but also to show her husband that there is a real intimate connection there! It really seems as simple as the wife taking the initiative and showing & telling him, where & how. This is also a great way to have fun, laugh together, create memories and avoid eventual resentment. Source: experience of being with same spouse since 2008.

    Reply
  36. Dan

    So she denied him sex for TWO DECADES but now she’s whining that he didn’t come to her needs for the first few times she decides to finally give him some? Pathetic truly imo. Sweetie, just because you denied him for 20 years doesn’t mean he never got some from elsewhere during that time.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Ummmm…..why did he think it was okay to have sex with a woman who was never orgasming? Why did he think it was okay to use her body like that? Why didn’t he repent?

      This really is a problem when people think there’s no issue with a man having sex with a woman and having an orgasm, but she feels nothing.

      Why is that considered acceptable?

      Reply
  37. Me and my two cents

    Most guys get offended when you try to suggest what they need to do to get you aroused..too much of an ego.. I have even heard, “I know what I am doing”, well if you did we would not be discussing this, right?!

    Reply
  38. Duke

    A sexually frustrated partner who is already doing all the heavy lifting should never be told to do even more work in bed. I’m tired of these blogs that always give the lazy, disinterested partner a pass.

    Reply

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