Our Valentine’s Day Podcast! On Sexual Confidence, Mutual Sex, and More!

by | Feb 14, 2019 | Marriage | 18 comments

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It’s time for a new episode of the Bare Marriage podcast!

And Happy Valentine’s Day! This one has lots of fun things about making sex great, getting over hurdles, and more.

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

Main Segment: How Can I Be Sexually Confident?

Whether you’re British, Southern, Mennonite, Lutheran, Baptist, Kenyan, or whatever–you can be a sexually confident woman (and I’ve heard all of those excuses as I’ve been speaking–“but that’s just not who I am!”)

You were created to be sexual, and you were created to express that in marriage. Passion is part of who you are. And in this segment I’m actually getting a little more theological to talk about how to we can develop sexual confidence.

Over this week I’ve given lots of practical tips on how to get more adventurous in bed and have some more fun, but I wanted to look at it from a different perspective today and talk about what to do if you just feel lost in this whole thing because you’re just not a sexual person.

A few things I mentioned in the podcast segment: First, if you grew up with a church culture that told you that sex was all about him–no wonder you’re not sexual!

 

If you grew up feeling like you were a stumbling block to guys, that your body was somehow evil, that sex was all for him–well, it’s no wonder that you don’t feel like a sexual being! But that is not how sex is, and there is a better way of talking about sex.

And if you’ve never really experienced pleasure during sex, here are some posts that can help, too!

Millennial Marriage: How millennials approach marriage differently

Rebecca and I were looking at an article about how millennials are doing marriage so differently, and often getting married at a much later age.

Here’s what we were talking about:

John Gottmann–How Millennials are redefining marriage

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting married later, but I do think that it should be because that’s what God has for you, not because you’re deliberately leaving marriage until later so that you can live your life first. I do think that that gives some dangerous priorities that may show up later.

Reader Question: My Husband Won’t Talk During Sex!

A reader writes:

Sex is 2-3 times a week and is physically great for both of us. But he won’t say anything when we are being intimate, not even “I love you.” I have tried explaining to him how happy this would make me, and how much it increases feeling if intimacy for me, but he is unwilling or unable to do it. I’m an INFP and he is an ENTJ …so I’m thinking he just isn’t comfortable expressing his feelings. How can I help him? He’s definitely one to resist if he feels nagged and I don’t want to make him feel bad because he is a great husband. But on the other hand, living my whole life without feeling tenderness in the bedroom makes me so sad. Can I press the issue? Or do I just need to look for the other ways he shows his affection and leave him alone

Great question! And I promised her that I’d link to my MBTI and marriage series, where I talked about the different personality types (that’s what she means by INFP and ENTJ).

And sometimes (I’m not saying it’s necessarily the case here) people can’t talk during sex because our porn culture has taught us that intimacy is actually a turn off. It’s anonymity that’s sexy.

But the bigger point is that it’s okay for her to express what she needs. Sex should be about her, too! And if she has a hard time with that, she can try the idea of his nights and her nights.

And, of course, my sexy dares include 8 dares that he takes the lead on where he learns how to cater to HER, too!

Reader Comments: How Porn Use Stunts Emotional Growth

I’m down in Louisiana right now at an RV park getting ready to give my Girl Talk in Lake Charles on Sunday night, so I couldn’t record a new segment of comments this week. (I recorded the podcast as a whole before I left!). So Rebecca recorded this segment for me, using some of the interesting comments coming out of last week’s post on porn and anger. 

I do think Covenant Eyes is a great tool for helping the healing process start. It doesn’t cure anything, but it does set the stage so that you can do the hard work without all the temptation. And the website has a ton of helpful resources and challenges, too, both for husbands and wives.

That’s all for the podcast today! Normally I also post a recent comment, but I’ve been away for three weeks in our RV on a speaking tour in the southern states (I’m speaking in Louisiana this weekend!), and I recorded all of these before I left. So I couldn’t tell what the recent comments would be.

But that gives you lots to mull over. And I do hope you have an awesome Valentine’s Day.

What did you think of this week’s podcast? Remember to rate it 5 stars and write a review! That helps it get seen by more people, and I’d love to see more people find healthy resources for sex in marriage. 

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Reader Comments: How Porn Use Stunts Emotional Growth

I’m down in Louisiana right now at an RV park getting ready to give my Girl Talk in Lake Charles on Sunday night, so I couldn’t record a new segment of comments this week. (I recorded the podcast as a whole before I left!). So Rebecca recorded this segment for me, using some of the interesting comments coming out of last week’s post on porn and anger. 

I do think Covenant Eyes is a great tool for helping the healing process start. It doesn’t cure anything, but it does set the stage so that you can do the hard work without all the temptation. And the website has a ton of helpful resources and challenges, too, both for husbands and wives.

And remember–you get 30 days free when you sign up with my link!

That’s all for the podcast today! Normally I also post a recent comment, but I’ve been away for three weeks in our RV on a speaking tour in the southern states (I’m speaking in Louisiana this weekend!), and I recorded all of these before I left. So I couldn’t tell what the recent comments would be.

But that gives you lots to mull over. And I do hope you have an awesome Valentine’s Day.

What did you think of this week’s podcast? Remember to rate it 5 stars and write a review! That helps it get seen by more people, and I’d love to see more people find healthy resources for sex in marriage. 

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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18 Comments

  1. Barbara Harris

    I have such a hard time intiating sex.

    Reply
  2. TAMRA BERGAMASCO

    Have you really made a blog/podcast about what you said around 18:22? That just like blew my mind on spiritual levels. I am a confessing control freak. I have not yet listened to the last podcast about control, so maybe you elaborate there, but I need this in writing so I can read it sloooowly and absorb it. TIA

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I will look! But I do have a blog post on how trying to be in control just doesn’t work. See if that helps! 🙂

      Reply
  3. Natalie

    comment on Millennial Marriage segment:

    I was born in 1989, so right smack dab in the middle of the Millennial generation. In my experience, I think the biggest benefit to marrying young (& obviously this only applies to Christians. Secular people wouldn’t care about this) is the sexual purity part. I knew my now-husband was the man for me (& he felt the same way too) after we’d been dating for about 3 months. And just to be safe, even if he’d proposed right then (we were sophomores in college), I would’ve said “let’s date for at least 12-18 months so we can really get to know each other before the wedding.” (Statistically, that’s the safe thing to do to avoid divorce, also. 2 years is even better). It was SOOOO hard to not give in to sexual temptation in those early months and years. Though we didn’t have vaginal sex till our wedding night, we did slip up several times after we’d hit the 9 month mark of dating. I feel like if we’d been engaged and I’d had a definite time or date until we could be together sexually, it would’ve been MUCH easier to resist those temptations.

    We ended up dating for 4 years 11 months until our wedding day (which I think, looking back now, was WAY too long a dating period!) We got married several months before our 25th birthdays. I would’ve been ready to get married when I was 22 or 23 right after college, but my husband wanted us both to not only be employed (which we were full time starting our senior year), but he also wanted to be established in his career and had a specific goal income in mind for himself before he wanted us to be married. I understand his very logical, practical thinking. But honestly, we could’ve made things work at age 22 when we were both making minimum wage or just slightly over. And then, we would’ve have been feeling guilty about the sexual stuff we were doing (which, I think, contributed a lot to our sexual problems that follows us into our marriage. Guilt is not something that’s good for the bedroom, even when you’re mentally “over it” and you know that you’re not sinning anymore).

    So if God puts the right person in your life and you’re both emotionally and spiritually mature enough to marry, I don’t think people should tell themselves “oh, I’m too young” or “If I get married now, statistics are not on my side when it comes to divorcing later”. I say go with God’s timing, not the world’s (because let’s be honest, there’s a HUUUUGE stigma against people who get married young, especially before age 25 in my opinion).

    Reply
    • Natalie

      Oh, and also, I don’t feel like I missed out on anything at all by marrying “young”. My husband and I traveled abroad together in Europe during college, we both had careers/jobs of some sort before we were married. Since we’ve known each other since we were 19, I feel like we have so much shared history together and so many memories together, even though we’re not even 30 yet. I think that’s a really wonderful thing, and personally, I’d take that any day over having my 20s to be single and “find myself”. I think the whole “finding yourself” concept, though, is really anti-biblical and very worldly, since it kinda implies that God can’t show you new things and like you can’t keep on developing as a person once you’re married.

      Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      As someone who got married at age 20, I can’t agree with you more. 🙂

      There’s a difference between saying someone is not ready SOLELY BECAUSE of their age (which I think isn’t often true and is a broad generalization) and saying “I’m not ready right now because I have (this addiction I’m recovering from) or (this life lesson that is unhealthy to enter marriage without dealing with first.)”

      We also need to start teaching kids how to be adults so that if they meet the right person early, they’re ready for marriage early! It makes all of that so much easier.

      Reply
      • Natalie

        So true Rebecca! The whole “I’m not ready right now because of XYZ in my life” is a completely valid and responsible reason, AND can also happen at any stage in life, not just when you’re young. I think the whole “don’t get married till you’re older and have a career and settled” is a lesson the Millennial generation will need to learn from and find out the downsides of it for themselves. I mean, simply from a fertility standpoint, waiting is never a good option! Heck, we started trying to conceive right after our 25th birthdays, and couldn’t conceive the first year, which we later found out was due to me having mildd PCOS and my husband having less than ideal sperm count and mobility. Thankfully, we had the time (& our bodies were younger and more able to heal quickly) to address our issues through diet and lifestyle changes, and were able to get pregnant within the first 16 months of trying. Even when you’re young, fertility issues are still a very real problem for so many!! And I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that infertility is on the rise for Millennials too compared to previous generations. I can’t imagine having to deal with what we dealt with when I was 35 instead of 25! If God’s timing allows you to be in a position where you can have your children sooner rather than later, I’m of the mindset that sooner is always better, even if you’ll be wealthier or better off financially when you’re a little older. Finances aren’t everything and youth is one of the few things in life you can’t get back once it’s gone.

        Reply
  4. Rosie

    “But that’s just not who I am” is not (necessarily) an excuse – it can be simply a fact. I have been reading your blog for a while now and I don’t understand why you seem to have such difficulty with the idea that sex is just not that important to some of us. God made us all different, after all.

    Reply
    • Anonymous

      Rosie, my wife would agree with you. She has told me more than once, she “does not have a low sex drive, just a different sex drive”.

      Reply
    • Phil

      I had this conversation with my wife last night. Sex drive and libido are different than sexual confidence. While I would agree they compliment each other they are different. I have been trying to deliver todays message to my wife since I think it was about July almost 2 years ago when Sheila did a summer sex series and we all climaxed at Romans 8! Rosie – I am so sorry that you feel the way you do. It really isnt about the sex. It is about connecting with God. And we get to enjoy it! Sex IS important because God wants us to be connected to HIM and through this connection we get to be amazingly connected to HIM and our spouse. Why wouldnt you want that? I truly think my wife got the message last night. Today I dared her to listen to the podcast. She took me up on it. As much as I want we are just not ready yet for Sheilas dares. I bought them anyway with hope. I refuse to give up on the gift God has given us. I hope you and others will consider the same.

      Reply
  5. Kate

    Sheila, can you add a “Podcast” link at the top of your blog next the the “marriage,” “sex” “parenting” “faith” links so we can have easy access to it instead of scrolling through your blog to find the podcasts, please? Thank you!

    Regarding millennial’s and marriage, i’m 28 single and ready to be married. However, between the ages of 18-27 i wasn’t ready for marriage AT ALL! I grew up in an abusive household with an abusive mother, who made our life hell on earth. I used those single years of mine to work on myself, counseling, etc. I knew i wanted to get married eventually and i knew i didn’t want to bring my dysfunctional family into the future nor end up being exactly like my demonic mother. So, in order for me to not repeat the past i had to confront it and find solutions.

    It took me almost 10 years. During those years, i had ZERO desire for marriage. I was way to emotionally distraught and distracted by my broken heart and going through suicidal thoughts. Christ’s redeeming work in my life was AMAZING! All of a sudden in the last year and a half i had this intense desire for marriage: i started seeing men as marriage material, started loving/wanting children, etc. that’s when i KNEW i was ready and that the healing process had been successful. I might not be 100% whole on this side of heaven but i know how to deal with any past pain when something triggers it.

    All that to say, you and Rebecca are dead on, it’s about emotional, psychological, and Spiritual maturity and not about age that determines when you are ready to marry. Also, the hostility towards marriage from my fellow millennial’s is heartbreaking to say the least. You have to go out of your way to find people who love, support and advocate for marriage, when you’re surrounded by cynical people. But broad is the way that leads to destruction and MANY find it. Our job is to find the FEW who are on the narrow path. Thanks for another wonderful podcast!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Hi Kate! Great suggestion. We’re actually in the middle of a HUGE overhaul of the front page, so that when you come you’ll see the latest post, the latest podcast, and the latest video, and then you’ll see all the different categories and you can scroll through different posts. It’s just taking a little bit to make sure the site doesn’t crash (I’ve got like 2700 posts or something crazy). But I can definitely do that temporarily, for sure.

      Isn’t that a lovely story that you have, too, of Jesus’ redeeming work? I love it. You know what else is really affirming? That when you received healing, you found you wanted to be in relationship with someone. I think that a big sign that we often haven’t found healing is that we run from intimacy. When we’re ready go embrace it (in a healthy way, of course, not a codependent way), that often means that a lot of work has been done.

      Love that!

      Reply
    • Kelly

      Kate,

      I met my husband at 28! Like you, I had a TON of emotional baggage I needed to address prior to entering into a healthy relationship with a man (problems with my mom, suicidal tendencies, etc). Years of therapy, medication, and a newfound interest in fitness propelled me into the woman and wife I am today. It was HARD work. Someday-whatever God has planned for you-when you meet your future husband are married, the wait will be all worth it! All of my millenial friends married earlier in life so perhaps it’s the friends I keep? No hostility (rather pressure TBH) from people I know! They’ve all had children and I’ve only been married for less than a year!

      Reply
      • Kate

        Sorry, for the late reply, Kelly. Thank you so much for the encouraging words. They mean a lot! And congrats on your marriage. 🙂

        Reply
  6. Rachel

    “Tell me what to do that will not require any discomfort or hard work for me.” Ha ha ha…😃

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      HAHA! Seriously, though, I do feel like that’s what people are often looking for, and the truth is, that really doesn’t exist. 🙂

      Reply
  7. Lisa

    I think delaying marriage can be wonderful. We got married young, we were 23, and I wish we had waited a few years.

    We didn’t have our first child until I was 31 and we have five children (last baby was born when I was 43). If we waited until we were 28-29, that would not have impacted the size of our family.

    I do think that evangelicals have a tendency to idolize marriage. Marriage can be wonderful but being can single is wonderful, too, and you are not incomplete or lacking in intimacy simply because you are single. I would much rather see young people learn about healthy boundaries and learn to recognize red flags before they get married. When I think of all the people who write to you, describing major character flaws or major emotional immaturity in their spouse, I can’t help but I think I wish they would’ve been wise and strong enough to walk away before marriage. But when we think we’ll be lonely and lacking if we are single, we are much more likely to settle for less than acceptable. Being single is better than being in a bad marriage.

    Marrying young is great if all the pieces are in place.

    Reply

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