If you want to have more regular orgasms, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s talk today about how to become more orgasmic.
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and here’s one that I get quite frequently. A reader writes,
I can reach orgasm if my husband uses his hand on me, but I’ve only hit orgasm during sex maybe two or three times in five years. Is there a way to make it happen more often? I just find myself so frustrated.
I’d love to try to tackle this one today. I’ve been a little absent from the blog for a while–I had my big family vacation in July and then over the last two weeks I’ve been so busy moving my mom into my house. But I’ve got some great posts coming up this week and I’m excited to be back in the swing of things on the blog. I’ve missed it. So today we’re going to talk about how to make sex feel great for HER, and then tomorrow we’ll tackle 10 ways to make sex feel great for HIM!
But let’s start with you.
The Orgasm Conundrum: You Can’t Try Too Hard
Here’s the hard thing about orgasm: for it to work, the orgasm has to carry you along, you can’t carry it along. And that’s why so many people struggle with this. The harder you try, the less likely it is to happen. But at the same time, there are certain things you really do have to do to make it work.
It’s a lot like sleep: if you try to sleep or if you’re desperate to fall asleep, you’ll lie awake tossing and turning. You have to let the sleep overtake you. But that doesn’t mean you do nothing. You have to get comfortable. You have to turn off some of the things in your brain. You have to let go.
I also think that the process of learning how to reach orgasm is a lot like learning to swim or learning to ride a bike. When you’re learning it seems so complicated. There are so many things you have to pay attention to. But one day, all of a sudden, the training wheels come off and you wobble a bit but then you just fly down the street and you don’t have to think at all! It’s a skill. Same with swimming. One day you’re concentrating so hard on how to float; the next day you just seem to float naturally without thinking about it, and you wonder how you ever found this difficult.
Once you know how to ride a bike, though, it’s hard to describe how you do it. It’s just something that happens. And that’s the same with an orgasm. So I’m going to try today, rather imperfectly, to describe how we can make it happen more frequently and more regularly in your marriage.
What If You Can’t Orgasm At All?
One of the things I tried to describe in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, was what an orgasm actually felt like, because I talked to many women at the marriage conferences where I would speak who were never sure if they had actually orgasmed or not. And I did explain how to reach orgasm for the first time.
This post isn’t exactly about that. If you’ve NEVER reached orgasm, this post will help, but you may want to read more basic posts like these ones:
Honeymoon Blues to “O”ver the Rainbow
The Importance of the Clitoris
AND, of course, my books 31 Days to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex have a ton of info in there, too.
But today I want to talk to that woman who maybe has reached orgasm a few times, but it’s not regular and she’s frustrated. What do you do?
[clickToTweet tweet=”‘Have trouble reaching ‘The Big O’ in your marriage? Super practical (and tasteful) tips!'” quote=”‘Have trouble reaching ‘The Big O’ in your marriage? Super practical (and tasteful) tips!'”]
8 Tips for Reaching Orgasm More Frequently
1. Let Your Mind Let Go
Let your thoughts recede somewhere to the back of your mind so that you’re more just feeling. It isn’t that you try to think about nothing–that would just make you fall asleep, and that’s hardly sexy. It’s just that you try to stop thinking and more experiencing. Let your mind be less about forming thoughts and more about experiencing and savouring what is happening. Live entirely in the moment.
If you can start to just experience your body, then you’ll start to notice what feels really good and where it feels really good. Pay attention to what feels good, and then focus your mind to those places.
But there’s a difference between experiencing and concentrating. You don’t want to concentrate; you’ll just get frustrated and worked up. You want to experience, where you’re just enjoying it.
That lets you “let go”. And if other thoughts come into your head, like a grocery list or your to do list for tomorrow or something you’re upset about, banish them quickly. Go back to feeling.
2. Moan a Little Bit
One of the ways that you can tell if you’ve really let go and let your mind experience is if you start to vocalize a little bit. People who are really just experiencing are more likely to moan. People who are concentrating hard are less likely to, because moaning is really a reaction to what is happening. And that’s the key: you want to react, not cause something. And if you’re in the mental place where you’re just experiencing, you’re more likely to moan a bit.
So don’t be self-conscious about making noises. He’ll like it anyway–a lot! And here’s the added benefit: when you moan, you vibrate. And those vibrations actually help speed up pleasure. But don’t deliberately moan–just LET yourself moan. That’s a big difference. Relax enough that the moaning just happens. Often we STOP the moaning that wants to happen because we’re embarrassed. Relax, let it happen, and don’t worry about it. It really will help!
And while you’re doing that, don’t hold your breath. Holding your breath is another sign that you’re concentrating too much and trying to make something happen. If you’re being swept along, which is what you want, you will keep breathing. And keeping the oxygen going to different parts of you really does help as the pleasure builds. Once orgasm is imminent often people do stop breathing a bit, and that’s okay. But while it’s building, don’t stop those breaths!
4. Make Tiny Adjustments All the Time
You know when you’re scratching a dog’s tummy, and the dog will wiggle and squirm in pleasure and contort itself so you hit just the right spot? It’s not really thinking hard; it’s just enjoying things and moving so that things feel good.
You need to do the same thing! Move a little bit all the time. If you’re not feeling much of anything, the reason is usually that the angle isn’t quite right. So just move your hips (squeeze your butt so your hips go upward) and move left or right or whatever, until it feels great again. And sometimes it only feels good for a minute or two before the angle changes, so you just need to constantly be making adjustments so you keep feeling good. Usually when we’re making love he’s doing most of the work. But even if he’s on top, you can still move around a bit. And if this is difficult for you, try being on top yourself and finding out what feels best.
And the angle and position that feels good will change as pleasure builds, because blood flow will increase and actually change the size of everything! So it’s okay to be always making little adjustments.
Again, this doesn’t mean that you’re heavily concentrating. It’s more that you’re reacting. You’re chasing the feeling, and if it goes for a minute, you make small adjustments to get it back.
And what if something obviously wants to be touched, like your breasts, and they aren’t currently getting any attention? Take his hand and move it there, tell him, or even move your own hand there (he’ll get the message and this will likely excite him, too!)
Look, this is probably the hardest step, because what we normally do is try to make whatever it is that he’s doing feel good. So we concentrate so hard and we get nothing. You need to just experience and then chase that feeling. Move a bit and find it.
5. Know Your Own Arousal Sequence
Know what it feels like to have an orgasm. Let’s call that feeling a 10. Then no arousal at all is a 0. What’s important now is to know all the stages in between and to be able to identify what’s a 4 and what’s a 7.
And here’s the key: while it’s super fun to try different things during foreplay–like maybe have him touch you there, or orally stimulate you, or use several different positions, or whatever–once you hit a certain point, you don’t want to be switching things up much or you’ll send yourself back down the arousal chain.
So, sure, do different things to get yourself maybe to a 6 or a 7. But once you’re at 7–just start making love and don’t change position or anything much at all. It needs to carry you along, and if you have to stop what you’re doing to do something else you can’t be carried along.
6. Make Sure He Can Last Long Enough So You CAN Reach Orgasm
Here’s a tough one, especially for younger couples: you need to give yourself enough time. If he finishes in 5 minutes flat, then you likely aren’t going to have enough time to reach orgasm during intercourse, which is what most of us are aiming for.
So some thoughts: don’t start until you’re at a 7 on the arousal scale. Have him stimulate you in other ways first without you directly stimulating him to give him time to catch up to you. Or, alternatively, have a “quickie” a few hours earlier so that he’s not as desperate, and then try for the whole shebang later in the night when he’s more likely to be able to go longer.
7. Let the Wave Overtake You
When an orgasm does come it’s really more like a wave that washes over you. When you feel like it’s about to start (so when you’re at about a 9) it’s even more important NOT to concentrate but to just enjoy it and lean in. I don’t know how to explain this part (it’s like explaining how to float when you already know how to swim!), but just feel it rather than trying to control it.
8. Ride the Wave of the Orgasm
And here’s the neat thing–if you just keep feeling it and riding that wave, you can actually become multiorgasmic. When you concentrate too much, what can happen is that you reach orgasm and then you stop concentrating and everything stops. But if you just ride it, it can keep going. Just keep breathing and keep feeling, and it may keep going. The reason most of the time it stops is because we stop it. We say to ourselves, “there, I’ve done it!” and we enjoy it, but we stop experiencing and we start thinking. Just keep letting yourself feel it and it may keep going.
So there’s the best that I can manage to explain how to become more orgasmic when you’re actually making love. I know reaching orgasm during intercourse is a big goal that many of us have, and it often takes a few years in a marriage to get used to your body and how to “ride” the whole pleasure thing.
One last thought: know how hormones affect arousal. I wrote a big post on how arousal works throughout the month, and it’s important to know. There are certain days when it’s much easier to reach orgasm than others, and if you know this, you’re less likely to get frustrated on those “red” days. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just hormones!
I hope that helps! If anyone has any other tips or any other questions about orgasm, just leave them in the comments! Let’s not be afraid to talk about this stuff.
And remember–if you just have never really understood how arousal works or how to make sex feel great, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex can help clear up so many things for you–and get you excited about sex on all its levels (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Plus it’s a super fun read! And don’t miss all the Good Girl Dares.
Find out more here.
I find that using the tingly lube is fun-it gives a different sensation
during intercourse. Like the “his/hers” type of lube.
That does work for a lot of people! You can find that here.
Yes. Subscribe and save on amazon!!! Totally made me laugh when I clicked “here”..that would be a whole lotta fun going on!
How is it possible to orgasm while my hubby is inside me? His part doesn’t really stimulate the clitoris. He is a bigger guy and I am unsure how to get a better angle. The only way I usually o is by him stimulating with his hand or mouth.
Great question! If you tilt your pelvis it can make a tremendous difference. It engages the right muscles and gets things lined up better! You can also try being on top, which can often give you better control over hitting at the right place.
My husband refuses to give me oral and manual and intercourse doesn’t do enough to the clitoris to bring me to orgasm, no matter the pelvis tilt, so I manually stimulate (ahem masturbate) during intercourse to reach clitoral orgasm.
I am also finally learning how to have vaginal orgasms, though they are not as earth shattering and satisfying as clitoral ones.
Basically, because my husband quit doing his part to take care of me sexually during our intimate times, I had to learn to adjust and do it myself. I had to learn to work within his boundaries. I also prayed that God would help my body respond within those boundaries, since it only used to respond outside the boundaries (hubby used to give me oral and manual but stopped partway through our marriage…why isn’t entirely clear and he won’t talk about it.) One way to become more orgasmic is to take charge of your own sexuality and sensuality rather than relying on your husband to do the job. Get yourself worked up. Relish every sensation. Learn that not every orgasm feels the same.
I am a hubby – just some thoughts. (By the way I read these blogs because I can learn too).
If your hubby doesn’t do the stuff and won’t talk about it – try to make him want it. [Editor’s note: part of this comment has been deleted. The writer truly meant well, and I respect everything he wrote. It’s just that I’ve had complaints from some readers that they really don’t want to hear about specific sexual suggestions from men. So it’s not that anything he wrote was bad or wrong, and I really appreciate him trying to help–I’d just rather keep the specific suggestions between women. I hope everyone understands.]
If it doesn’t work immediately realize that it has taken time to go wrong, it may take a bit extra to correct.
Don’t give up – I nearly did and it just about ended our marriage. One day I woke up and realised my wife was trying so hard – I was an idiot for not seeing it. I really hope you have success.
Most men find going in and out to be the most stimulating and how they achieve orgasm. However very, very few women orgasm this way. He needs to stay deep inside you and apply pressure to your clitoral area with his pelvis. You can grab his behind and press him harder into you, guiding him.
Im pretty sure I’m going through menopause but the new man I’m with goes all day .I’ve never been so orgasmic ever. Is this because of hormones,?
How dose menopause affect my orgasm? Is it easier or hard to reach orgasm?
For many women it’s harder because menopause affects the blood flow to the genital area, and so you’re not as responsive. But other women don’t notice much of a difference! So don’t assume that it will be harder, but if you do start to have difficulty, talk to your doctor, because there’s so much help available now.
One thing my hubby does.. he uses his hand to touch me all around and in my girly area WITHOUT bringing me to orgasm. This builds up the intensity and helps me O during intercourse. I find that if I have a really strong O during foreplay, I can feel too overstimulated to O during intercourse…if that makes sense? I’m sort of “done.” Also, the more you have sex, the more you want sex and that builds up, too. 😉 I’m sure hubby wouldn’t mind extra love making….
These are always great tips! I don’t have issues…. really. Just wanted to add how much S T R E S S or huge life troubles can wreck your sex life. My hubby is going through a job loss (out of the blue, outsourcing!) and our lives are edgy. Otherwise we are happy and satisfied lovers.
It’s going to be okay. Repeat.
These are great tips! I find myself and hubby do almost all of these things. I have a higher sex drive since he works early and comes home exhausted, and is also in his 30’s (I’m in my 20’s). It’s nice because when we were first married, he would always go really fast and I couldn’t keep up with him. Now, we spend more time and he has better control so he can purposefully take longer until we are on the same level. Sometimes, it just takes time! But communication and patience with each other are key! 🙂
I know what we’ll be doing tonight… 😉
Thanks for the tips Sheila & commentators!
All of these are great tips…I especially like that you included #5 & #6…YES, YES, YES!!!!
I found that when we begin I direct his penis to my clitoris and we play there until i reach orgasm it is easier with your hand directing him where you feel more pleasure , so after you reach your big O he can come inside and you are guaranteed to reach another one cos you are already on another level.
That could have been me writing the original question. And I’m sad to say it still is me. I just feel so ripped off. Like sex is made for men.
I have tried every. single. one. of Sheila’s suggestions and still I can not orgasm unless my husband does what the original writer describes. We have been married 18 years and I have lost all hope. In fact, we have pretty much given up on sex full stop. Only twice this year and I have completely lost all desire. I have accepted that sex is easier for some people than others and have found other things in life that are fulfilling. I guess that makes my husband and I almost like flat mates but I’m actually Ok with that now.
Just a thought from a newlywed who is learning SO much and has so much more to learn! 🙂
Does it matter how you achieve orgasm as long as you DO achieve it? If hubby has to use his hand, is that necessarily bad? If he’s willing, let him pleasure you first, then you can have sex the normal way for him. That way, you both get pleasure, closeness, and bonding.
I’ve never achieved an intercourse orgasm either (yet!), but I still can have one every night through other techniques. I guess I just figure that as long as we both are happy, are bonding, and get that one-ness, it doesn’t matter about the technique. 🙂 Blessings!
Sarah, I’m so sorry. I used to feel really ripped off, too. Please don’t give up.
First, it’s very common for women to be unable to orgasm from intercourse. I think it’s something like 70% of women go through a stage of 5-10 years like that.
Second, orgasm by other means is not inferior! Let your husband pleasure you in other ways!
A couple of book recommendations:
Woman’s Orgasm by Gruber (For you both)
She Comes First by Kerner (For your husband)
I found out that my lack of O- was due to low progesterone levels. Once I worked to get those up it happens at least 80-90% of the time. A great relief to figure out what the problem was, only 6 yrs into marriage.
Sheila, thank you SOO much for all this. For explaining it all out so well, so clearly. It really helps! I get it! Thanks for this and everything you do. You really are helping so many. I pray God blesses your marriage. 🙂 x
Thank you, Anne! 🙂
I am going to suggest what I’d do when I get married: Ask GOD to help you have amazing orgasms. HE invented sex, why not ask HIM to help you and husband/wife to cum hard and together. I am not married now, but I have already put in my request for amazing, mindblowing sex with my man of GOD. Very serious. I even did a video about this.
GOD invented sex. If your Porshe is acting up who would you ask to fix it? A Porsche dealer or a Pinto owner?
agree… buuutt also, the education of this site is helpful. God also gave man intelligence to ask and figure things out and get advice from other people who have experience. God doesn’t talk audibly and can’t just tell us what else to try…
Hi Shelia! Thanks for this. 🙂 Just wondering if you are still going to post “10 ways to make sex feel great for HIM!”?
I ordered 3 of your books last month, I’ve read 2 and my husband and I are working through 31 days. I’m on the tail end of recovering from vaginismus (I’m just small and he’s big lol) and trying to get my libido back up.
I am! I just didn’t get around to writing it with my mom moving in and everything. I think it’s scheduled now for September! Sorry about that. I did intend to do it–it just didn’t get written when I got behind.
And I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery! Woo hoo!
I am blown away by the advice here. I am married and have a great sex life with my husband. I will continue reading for more tips and advice.thank you
Awesome! And don’t forget you can always sign up to my newsletters here, and get great tips by email (and links to all the best posts!).
Thank you for the nice article, Sheila!
One thing that helps my wife a lot is foot massage. I oil and massage her feet for 20-30 minutes before we get started (it is actually my usual way of initiating), and this helps her relax, which, on its turn, does miracles to her “orgasmicity”, if I may use this non-existent word.
We’ve struggled huge with our sex life since marrying 6.5 yrs ago. Learning some things about his past and present ( past partners and pornography, etc) , I think that affects our intimacy level. It’s merely sex to him and as a Virgin when we married, a lot of inferiority in the bedroom for me and “superiority” for him. We still struggle but hope with help we can fix some of our issues. I’ve loved finding sheila’s site and have already bought 2 of her books.
I am claustrophobic and being on the top is much more comfortable for me. Positioned on the bottom, well, let’s just say I usually end up freaking out.
But being on top, I am usually able to position myself in a way, that when given the time…I can reach the big “O”. You can slide him in and out and if you position his tip near your clirotoris, you can you can get just the right angle and feeling…it feels good to him too…a lot of nerves are at his tip too. Maybe this tip could help someone.
Omg. Thank you for this!!! So idk if you remember my name a few weeks ago but I’ve been married almost a month now. We need to reas your whole book but neither of us are good readers lol and last few days I’ve been rather frustrated/ wondering if something is wrong with me/what I’m doing wrong. Sex is a lot more complicated IMO THAN ANYONE ever told me before weeding night but glad to see you linked other articles. I actually checked your page and then was going to check your block to see less daunting in length good reads. Also I know some people comment on your blog articles but an actual forum q/a section where women could answer questions would be great… especially for newly weds. I can google and ask my friends but not everyone has friends like that and not all answers on google are great.
ALso side note silly me commented this on facebook originally and it popped up in others newsfeed! PRAYING my one aunt is the only one who saw it >__<
Focus on your sexual energy. I know sounds like some hippy mantra but seriously sex starts in our heads focus on moving that straight to where your being stimulated. The same with moaning. My husband still isn’t able to induce an orgasm with his own hands most of the time but with a little work on technique and a lot of work on my mind and focusing on moving every energy to that zone and also consciously focusing on receiving that energy from him it is mind blowing and spiritually too! I mean we can’t literally become one person but our energy and souls can become one just like God intended and guess what even though he’s not getting any stimulation he is reporting how awesome this is for him too. Maybe those energy orgasm weirdos really are onto something.
I have read 31 days to great sex, good girls guide to great sex, read the blog am the high drive spouse and am checking with meds to figure out why after 15 years marriage I am not having mind blowing sex. Talked to a counsellor and she recommended( note: not a very clean christian site) and they were talking about how orgasms arent mind blowing and my husband had suggested at one time that I probably was having them I just didnt realize it. I feel so deflated and disappointed and frustrated I dont even know where to go from here. I am tired of talking to my husband about my need/want for the fullfilling sex life I hear about. I cry quite a lot about it and thunj what a first world problem to have.